Terrified to go into my own garden..

[TotallyTangerineGeum]

I just want to preface this by saying that I’ve name changed and MNHQ will be able to verify that I’ve been on here a long while. Just pointing this out, as I’ll inevitably get troll hunted on this one as it makes very little sense! I assure you I have not left anything out whatsoever and I’m sorry it’s such a long post.

I’m a widowed parent of one 11yr old DD. I have a small-ish dog who thankfully doesn’t bark much (which is relevant to this situation).

2 years ago, my usually always very friendly & chatty next door neighbour, randomly blocked me from texting her - which I rarely ever did anyway tbh, only ever if there was a parcel here for her etc. The last time I’d spoken to her, everything had been great. I was utterly mystified but figured it’d be sorted eventually and I’d ask her when I saw her next. With it being winter I didn’t see her for a while and when I did, I was ignored. Really odd but ok…. Maybe I or DD had made some noise? Although she has always assured me vehemently that she can’t hear anything from our side but even so, I don’t allow DD to make noise for my own sake as well as that of others!

Last summer, there were a few occasions when I was in my back garden (6ft fence with vertical planks with small gaps in between) and neighbour’s Dad who was there, shouted over at me. Once when I was taking a photo of a random plant which had popped up so I could identify it, he shouts “Come round if you want to take photos, you fat fuck!” Now, I should’ve asked WTF he was talking about and corrected him but I was too stunned to speak! Another time I got called a “sad pathetic loser” when I was cutting sweet pea flowers off my trellis on our adjoining fence. Followed by him saying to his daughter “Don’t worry she’s obviously got no life” Again, I hugely regret not saying something back and asking what on earth I’m meant to have said or done wrong. But having escaped extremely violent DV, I just don’t have the strength to confront any male and probably never will. It’s fight or flight and I flee. Until today, that is.

Around the end of last year, the neighbour got a dog of their own and despite my calling my dog in every single time, theirs still barks loudly every single time he sees my dog through the fence. I’ve tried putting tarpaulin up on the adjoining fence to prevent their dog seeing mine but nope, it still keeps happening. Thankfully my dog doesn’t usually bark back and if he does, it’s one singular woof to show his displeasure, then he comes in!
About 2 months ago, I wrote neighbour herself a letter (as she just blanks me when I try speaking to her face to face) explaining that I’ve absolutely zero clue what I’ve done to upset her, apologised if it’s noise (though I really don’t think it is, as DD & I are quiet people and when DD is at school, I’m often asleep or at hospital) and explaining that I only have about 12-14 months left to live due to an autoimmune disorder which she actually knows I have, that I want to spend what time I have left with my child in peace and just want to be left alone and politely requested that they stop slamming their front door as it was making us both jump a mile and was affecting DD at school when it happens during the night. I was very polite and promised to do what I can on my part to try and mitigate the situation with her dog seeing mine through the fence (which I have done, I put tarpaulin up but clearly I need to add more!)

Fast forward to a few weeks ago and now her Dad is seemingly living there and is making mine & my daughter’s lives a living hell.
EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. I open one of my French doors and either let my dog out for a wee or I dare to step out into my own garden, not only does their dog bark like mad at mine (who now just ignores theirs as he’s used to it!) I get “Oh for fuck’s sake!” or her little boy goes running inside shouting “Mum, Granddad, she’s in her garden again!!!” followed by “Oh for fuck’s sake! Fucking typical!” It’s got to the point where I’m genuinely anxious to go into my own garden and I’m not exaggerating and I’m a keen gardener! I can’t even nip to my greenhouse to get some lettuce without a “Oh for fuck’s sake, fat fuck is out again!” 😳
Last week, I had to mow the lawn as it was the first day I’d had in weeks where I was well enough to do it and they were having a BBQ (I don’t think there were any guests but I decided to be as quick as possible anyway) and well, he was fuming and they went storming inside, slamming the door. I don’t know what was said as I had the mower on but heard door slam. That one was probably my fault for mowing whilst they were having a BBQ but if I’d waited until the next time I was well enough, the grass would’ve been too long to mow!

Another thing which I’ve been ignoring in the hope that it naturally settles (and to avoid confrontation with him), is the fact that their dog barks the ENTIRE TIME he is left in the house alone. Barks loudly and howls. So bad that me making a phone call is nigh on impossible. It’s often overnight also, so that is hell for DD especially. This happened today and I’ve taken to recording clips of it just in case it’s needed in future. When it finally stopped, presumably as he came home, the first thing I did, was quietly let DDog out as I’d kept him in during the barking due to the noise coming from their side. Well, this was a mistake as their dog saw mine and erupted - as per usual! Mine didn’t bark back at all but DD grabbed the treat tub and told him to come in for obvious reasons and neighbour’s Dad shouts “FUCKING TWATS!!!!!” over the fence. Now I have never, ever responded to ANY of it but having just endured hours upon hours of their Alsation barking and howling I snapped and said, calmly, “Your dog has been barking all day!!!” to which he shouts “Because of you! YOU’RE CAUSING IT!!!” “Every fucking day you’re in your garden” I reply “And?!” At which point he slams their door and my DD bursts into tears and call me pathetic but so did I. I’m at my wits end. This is my home. My DD’s home and this is almost certainly the last summer of my life. My only hobby is quietly (& I do mean quietly) pottering around in my garden deadheading flowers or pruning roses etc.

• I don’t ever have visitors besides my 82yr old mother (she’s my only remaining family besides DD) and what friends do bother with me, I just have catch up coffees with in Costa!
• I don’t play music in my home or my garden. If I listen to a podcast or LBC, it’s on earphones.
• My dog rarely barks and if he does, it’s only a tiny bit if he is barked at! He did once bark at an Owl ornament I bought but in his defence, it did blink at night time!!
• I do not speak on the phone in the garden as everyone around me would hear and despite this massive long post, I am quite a quiet person usually!
• DD is rarely in the garden (more’s the pity!) she prefers gaming! She used to play out front on her scooter with some kids from up the street but she’s been too frightened to, since neighbour’s Dad aggressively told her to “Piss off” once about a year ago when he’d arrived about 5 mins after neighbour had left the house and so, being 9, she told him. Who tells a 9yr old to piss off?

I have reported today’s incident to non-emergency police. However a. Officer won’t be free to talk to me until the end of next week which I’m sad about tbh. I could’ve used the advice as right now, I’m terrified to even let my dog out for a wee, let alone step into my garden.
Again, having escaped extreme DV, it’s very difficult for me to not default to flight mode. I’m still shaking and this happened 2 hours ago. Pathetic, I know. I already struggle with anxiety.

Sorry this was so long but I didn’t want to miss anything out and have to correct people or be accused of drip feeding!

There’s nothing I can do, is there?

My darling, that is absolutely bloody awful. I am so angry for you. How dare they treat you like that!!

If you lived nearby I would come and sit in your garden with you. I look like a normal middle aged woman but I have the mouth of a sailor and would shut that man up in two shakes of a lamb's tail. We could also have a Slipknot party at full volume 🥁😉 although you may need a lie down after that 😂

Hopefully you have some lovely mumsnetters nearby who can do this for you.

Sending you lots of strength and love to you and your lovely daughter ❤️

She has already said twice where she is.

I’m just going to sort dinner, I’ll be back after 🙏💝

she cannot even go out without being abused? What do you expect her to do? to focus only on her illness when her and her DD are abused everytime they let the dog out? The poor woman cannot even relax enough to make the best her time!

I’m so sorry to read this @TotallyTangerineGeum, I too would want to spend my last summer with my DD and DDog, gardening and enjoying a peaceful existence. It’s not too much to ask for, is it?

I know that writing a letter to your MP can feel difficult to do, particularly if you’re not well. I e put together a draft for you with the help of ChatGPT in an effort to take something off your plate. Perhaps other MN’ers can chip in and make it better too. I hope you get a prompt resolution to this utter shitshow and that your neighbour is blessed with a punch in the face.

Dear Tom Gordon MP,

I am writing as one of your constituents because I no longer know where to turn.
For the past two years I have been subjected to escalating intimidation and harassment from my next-door neighbours and, in particular, the neighbour’s father. What began as being ignored without explanation has developed into repeated verbal abuse whenever I step into my own garden.
I am called names including “fat fuck”, “sad pathetic loser” and “fucking twat”. If I simply open my back door to let my dog into my own garden, I am met with swearing and shouting. Their child has even been encouraged to announce that I am in my garden, which is then followed by more abuse from the adults. Their father has also told my young daughter to “piss off”, leaving her frightened to play outside.

As a result, I am now genuinely afraid to go into my own garden. It sounds unbelievable, but I find myself anxious about simply opening my own back door.

This situation is particularly distressing because I am a survivor of severe domestic abuse. Being shouted at and intimidated by an aggressive man immediately takes me back into survival mode. I freeze or flee. I have spent years rebuilding my confidence, and this behaviour has left me feeling trapped in my own home.

To make matters even more heartbreaking, I have a life-limiting autoimmune illness and have been told I have only around 12 to 14 months to live. My daughter is just 11 years old. All I want is to spend what may be my final summer peacefully gardening with my daughter and my dog, not living in fear of abuse every time I step outside.

I have reported the latest incident to North Yorkshire Police, but I have been told an officer will not be able to speak to me until next week due to demand. I have also contacted my housing association. In the meantime, I feel completely unprotected.
I know that you have spoken in Parliament about violence against women and girls, and in particular about the importance of ensuring victims have confidence in the justice system and that their experiences are treated with the seriousness they deserve. While my situation may not fit neatly into a particular legal category, the reality is that I am a woman being subjected to sustained intimidation by a man, in my own home, and it has left me feeling unsafe and afraid. Your comments about restoring victims’ confidence resonated strongly with me because, at the moment, I feel very alone.

I would be incredibly grateful if your office could assist by:

• contacting North Yorkshire Police to ask that my case is dealt with as soon as possible;
• contacting my housing association to ensure they investigate this ongoing harassment as a matter of urgency; and
• advising whether there is any additional support available for someone in my circumstances, particularly as a survivor of domestic abuse and someone with a terminal illness.

I have never wanted conflict with my neighbours. I have gone out of my way to avoid confrontation and have tried to resolve matters politely. Instead, the abuse has escalated.

I simply want to feel safe in my own home again, and to be able to spend the time I have left making happy memories with my daughter.

Thank you for taking the time to read my letter. I would be very grateful for any help you are able to provide.

Yours sincerely,

[Name]
[Address]
[Postcode]
[Telephone]
[Email]

OP they want you to move so that dad can move in next door. Report everything to police and HA. Phone 999 if you feel threatened. I'm wondering if you can get 30 mins free advice from a solicitor? You could put through Chat too. Noise cancelling headphones in the interim. I'm sorry that you're having to go through this.

I’m less than a 3 hour train journey to Harrogate and if this cunt escalates from shouting in anyway and you have no joy with the police, I’ll come up. Just send me a message.
X

Oh op, this angers me so much! I honestly wished I lived closer because my dh absolutely CANNOT abide any violence or intimidation from men to women and he would honest to god drive round to yours and be knocking straight on your twat of a neighbours door! Do you not have any friends or family with large men that could hang around or even better go round and knock? I honestly think this is the only way as the council and non-emergency police are very limited in what they can do in this respect. Please try not to be intimidated. Get some blockout headphones and use your garden as you please! Xx

I can’t help but imagine sending some solidarity.
Try to carry on and ignore them, hopefully they will get bored!
just carry on as if they aren’t there.

So sorry you're going through this OP. Your neighbours are absolutely vile.

I too would recommend getting some good noise cancelling headphones. Go into your garden as much as you want with them on. Easy for me to say, but try not to let this prick intimidate you. Hard for you with your background. Also, let your dog out whenever he wants to go. So what if it makes their dog bark. By the way, the tarpaulin will probably not do much. Dogs can hear and sense each other, even when they can't see each other and will bark anyway. I have a full fence with no gaps but next doors newish dog can hear when mine is out and barks non stop.

You've had some good advice on this thread and hopefully your MP will help. Get back on to the council and housing association too and emphasise about your terminal illness and how this is all affecting your general and mental health. Point out the bloody obvious (for the hard of thinking employees) that your time is limited and you need help NOW. Good luck x

Tom Gordon is a brilliant MP. I am sure he will be interested in your plight OP. I don't live in his constituency, but I have a number of friends who do and they sing his praises (and they are not Lib Dem voters).

Best of luck, sounds absolutely hideous.

Horrible folk, I ‘d be interested to know if the dad is legitimately living there. Anyway you can rig up those sail shades/screening shades so they can’t see you at all?

i would recommend spending as much time as possible in the garden and report their dog for noise nuisance
please dont avoid your garden

This is horrendous. All the suggestions are good, please follow them through including council and HA recommendations.
and keep calling the police especially if you feel unsafe or intimidated.
so sorry for your full situation, it’s heartbreaking. I know it’s not easy and this sounds trite but why not invest in some decent noise cancelling headphones as well, just so you can completely shut out their noise when you’re in the garden? Put some uplifting music on or a podcast etc and until you can get it sorted just shut them out? X

Aww, dont feel like that OP. I'm in a HA flat and feel blessed to be so, given the way rents are rising in my area.

I just want to say definitely speak to your MP. I was on our HA customer service committee and we analysed complaints data. If any tenant had a complaint that our MP was involved in it was all systems go. They hate getting flack or pressure politically. Complaints all have to be recorded as part of performance reports, and the data is assessed by the Regulator of Social Housing. The RSH assess whether HA's are meeting regulatory standards, and that includes how they deal with ASB and how they treat vulnerable tenants. If complaints come via MPs, then the RSH will want to see that the complaint was resolved in a timely manner, but it also reflects badly on HAs when tenants are forced to approach their MP for help as a last resort.

I am so sorry you are having to put up with this. It’s really troubling and I just wish I was nearer to you so you could come with Dd & dog to mine for a day or two of peace.

Frankly I’d just try not to let them intimidate you. Just let them mouth off, don’t respond, and carry on using your garden as you wish. Ignore, ignore, ignore.

Maybe with no response they’ll get bored and give up or it’ll lessen? Perhaps I’m being too simplistic?

Wearing my mummy hat, it’s women and girls like you that I’d gladly welcome into my home to give you a break but I’m hundreds of miles away. I feel as if I want to gather you up and provide some peace in my quiet village in the West Country.

I hope the police & Co will be helpful and that officials can bring matters to a close. The Mumsnet community are all behind you which I hope gives you strength and resolve not to be beaten by the bullies.

Get yr self out into the garden and keep your earphones on until you hear their door slam shut as they retreat! Feel the fear and do it anyway. 💐

Do you have any large angry looking (but hopefully not angry) men in your life? Often idiot males are sexist enough to only pay attention to other males so it might be helpful to send one out in to the garden one day when the dad is outside. With any luck he’d assume it was you, be verbally abusive and your friend could give him a fright and put him back in his box.

Awful situation.

Dogs are such a nuisance! They are blaming you for setting it off.

Oh wow! Thank you so so much for this! That’s so kind

Sadly not! I do have an older brother but he is useless and we don’t get along. He genuinely wouldn’t care.

Are you just allowed to move another adult in to a HA home? Are they means tested?

oh the West Country is absolutely stunning. I’ve seen some beautiful photos of Cornwall that I thought were in the Maldives or somewhere!

They are means tested. No idea how he’s managed it.

i live in a flat in London and my new neighbour is awful. I won’t go into the ins and outs, culmination of silly little things where he boiled over in a rage and threatened to kill my husband on three separate occasions. I logged into the police and they did visit, I asked them if I should put ring cameras up they said it was up to me but if anything happened then they could act as there would be evidence. I have cameras on the front and back of the flat and at my front door. Now he knows he is recorded the threatening behaviour has stopped, he is still an asshole and so is his wife but people usually won’t argue when they know everything is recorded. Don’t communicate with them any further .

I stopped reading half way but if mowing your lawn makes them go inside then I'd do that more often.
I would mow my lawn as if i was competing in the Lawn of Britain Championships.
Which means mowing every single day, really.
Your lawn will be beautiful.
Enjoy your summer.