Huge row with daughter home from university

[Missparentmisery]

My 20 year old daughter is home from uni. The first 2 weeks were ok because basically she was on holiday with friends. We are due to go away tomorrow but have just had an almighty row.

The way she talks to me is awful and is really upsetting especially as I give her money for uni every month, gave her cash for her holiday & basically try and do the best I can. As a family we suffer because we give her money & have nothing left.

My DH gives her money every month too which means we can’t afford to do stuff around the house like replace the kitchen or buy a new hoover. She said our kitchen was worse than a student house and laughed because the hoover is held together with sellotape even though I explained it’s because we have no spare cash.

The row started because she asked me a question and I replied with a bored fed up tone. She then shouted “watch your tone missy”. I told her not to speak to me like that and she said she’d speak to me how she wanted. I told her to treat me with respect she said why should she & it basically escalated from there.

Yes my tone wasn’t great but I told her I should be able to speak in whatever tone I want in my own home. She also picks me up on my facial expressions and tells me off if I look at her in the “wrong way”. Basically as long as I am never tired or depressed and speak in the “wrong” tone or look at her in the “wrong” way we get on ok.

Whenever we argue she uses the fact that I don’t have a dad to explain my “personality” says I need to go on medication, that I’m a hoarder (I’m not!) and basically rips me apart.

It’s upsetting and I don’t know how we will manage until she leaves for uni again in October. I have 2 other daughters who get upset by all the shouting and arguing.

I don’t want to have to keep taking it from her but if I don’t we argue and then get the silent treatment from her.

Her personality was like this before she went to uni so nothing is going to change.

Really don’t want to go on holiday tomorrow but I have spent money I don’t have and can’t disappoint the rest of my children by not going.

Thanks for answering! Totally believe you’re not a hoarder… was just curious about where it might have come from! Your daughter does seem a bit worried about you for some reason (as someone else has said, quite alert to your moods etc) although of course handling it very badly!

I found early 20s an extremely difficult and anxiety-laden time of life even though my parents were very kind and patient, so forgive me if I seem a bit forgiving! I think ultimately you both have to stick around and do the work and make it through this kid-adult transition time together. I don’t think the ‘throw her out’ responses are right for long term success here!

She's not lovely OP. Lovely girls don't talk to.their mum like that.
If she really can't get a job she should be respectful to you and pleasant and also help around the house etc. How many nights a week will she be cooking your dinner. Make sure you don't do everything for her as well.

That's a start. 👏

Well done.
And do rethink her allowance for October. I would work out if it could be reduced. She needs a job to sort herself.

Also, on the job point - money aside, she’s going to need something other than her degree on her CV or a graduate job is going to be very difficult to come by. A degree on its own is no guarantee of anything unfortunately. I’d gently be encouraging her to get a job regardless of your ultimate decision re funding her.

Put your foot down.

Two thirds of students work during term time. And most work the holidays . She needs to grow up and you need to stop bailing her out. You’re stopping her from developing into an adult by paying her way.

You don’t have to top up her student loan. It’s not a legal requirement or anything like that. She could start looking for work immediately and learn to at least partly support herself. She has time to save between now and the start of the new academic year.

And you can act however you want in your own home, especially when responding to childish badgering. How dare she tell you to watch your tone! Would she say that to her university tutors or a boss at work? She’s going to find life very difficult if she behaves in such a manner.

Can you hide her passport and leave her at home? She doesn’t deserve a holiday that has been fully paid for by you & her dad. There needs to be some consequences for her appalling behaviour.

Really feel for you. I wouldn't let my adult children speak to me like that. But they have tried controlling me in other ways. It's made me sad and tearful but I had to keep my boundaries there. No easy way for this except make sure your dh is in your camp and that you are really clear on what is and isn't acceptable. And stick to it.

She needs to get a job. My dd went to a high uni, we couldn't afford to supplement her as much. We struggled but only could give what we had. She dropped out 2nd year. Covid times. Said it was our fault as we didn't finance enough. The guilt has been overwhelming and still I hate myself. I know the truth is more like she struggled re covid and her mh. We have always "failed" her due to money/income. We are the poorest in her social group but we bring in reasonable incomes. Obviously not mumsnet incomes! Not that grand :-).

Good luck. I hope you can feel my support coming attachments through the power of sm.

I am going to keep paying her allowance, I agreed to do it so it would be unfair to stop.

However, she wants to do a masters after her degree and I will not be funding that, DH and I have another DD starting uni soon so no way could we afford to pay out for 2 DDs.

She has signed up to some babysitting websites (didn’t know about this) and has just been approved apparently so hopefully she will get some work.

I don’t understand why some people are saying I have to talk in a fake bright and breezy tone ALL the time in my own home? At work a large part of my job is talking to clients and it’s exhausting. If I come home from work tired and stressed and talk in a bored tone when being asked boring questions i genuinely don’t see the problem, I just don’t.

An adult doesn't rely on another adult to pay for their life.

I’m not sure she should hide her passport…. The daughter is an adult so that would actually be illegal!

I actually do think I can use whatever tone I want in my own house which I pay for. Not shouting or swearing obviously but if I’m tired or upset I’m not going to act like Mary poppins all the time. The tone I used when she asked me a question was a bored fed up sort of tone because she’d kept asking me about dinner and I was feeling worn down with it all. A nice response would have been let me do dinner mum not “watch your tone missy”.

Genuine question - do you and your DH speak to each other in bored/fed up tones?

I’d be pretty miffed if my DH spoke to me in a bored/fed up sort of tone but obviously it may be normal in your home.

Her reaction was completely unacceptable still.

Are the other kids rude to you?
Is there a big age gap between them?

Good for you .
Now start saving for the kitchen and tell her she needs to get a part time job for uni .

You pay her whilst she at university. If she is at home, her rent, food and living costs are met. She only needs supporting away from home. Holidays are times for jobs. There ARE jobs out there!

Ungrateful little madam. She needs some home truths about finances and how people are meant to work for a living if they are able bodied. She should be doing your housework for you and doing something to earn her keep, if not, you will be getting a new hoover and whatever else you need.

Now if your DD wants some cash get her to advertise her bike on a selling site.

Yes we’ve all looked back on our deathbed and sort how much more value a kitchen has provided versus our child’s education haven’t we? 🙄

Nobody says you have to be bright and breezy all the time, but I suppose it’s about thinking… You know how you feel when she snaps at you or is rude? That’s exactly how she feels when you do it to her! Maybe it would be helpful to consciously think about the tone you want to receive in response, and try to model that?

but all with the caveat - it IS stressful to have an adult kid home from university. You won’t always be perfect and even when you’re not, you still don’t deserve to be shouted at etc. I hope you won’t feel I’m giving you a hard time!

You don't need to go to uni to learn respect

Well yes when I am being asked boring questions relentlessly on top a long day at work I may reply in a bored tone! DH just asked me what setting to use for a sports wash and what temperature to use and should he add stain remover and yes I was bored by him asking me boring questions so I probably did reply in a bored tone!

Does everyone else live their life as Mary Poppins when at home doing boring drudge work and answering boring questions?!

Depends.

If her daughter gets a 3rd or pregnant and not sure who the father is,the kitchen would have been a better investment!!!

Talking in a bored tone to her indicates to her you don't like her very much. Its not her fault that you have a draining job and dont want to talk to her nicely.

I wouldn't expect selling belongings.
I absolutely would expect a job and respect, though.

My asd ds 17 rang every restaurant take and away in a 5 mile radius asking for a job. He got one.
Has your dd even tried?