Huge row with daughter home from university

[Missparentmisery]

My 20 year old daughter is home from uni. The first 2 weeks were ok because basically she was on holiday with friends. We are due to go away tomorrow but have just had an almighty row.

The way she talks to me is awful and is really upsetting especially as I give her money for uni every month, gave her cash for her holiday & basically try and do the best I can. As a family we suffer because we give her money & have nothing left.

My DH gives her money every month too which means we can’t afford to do stuff around the house like replace the kitchen or buy a new hoover. She said our kitchen was worse than a student house and laughed because the hoover is held together with sellotape even though I explained it’s because we have no spare cash.

The row started because she asked me a question and I replied with a bored fed up tone. She then shouted “watch your tone missy”. I told her not to speak to me like that and she said she’d speak to me how she wanted. I told her to treat me with respect she said why should she & it basically escalated from there.

Yes my tone wasn’t great but I told her I should be able to speak in whatever tone I want in my own home. She also picks me up on my facial expressions and tells me off if I look at her in the “wrong way”. Basically as long as I am never tired or depressed and speak in the “wrong” tone or look at her in the “wrong” way we get on ok.

Whenever we argue she uses the fact that I don’t have a dad to explain my “personality” says I need to go on medication, that I’m a hoarder (I’m not!) and basically rips me apart.

It’s upsetting and I don’t know how we will manage until she leaves for uni again in October. I have 2 other daughters who get upset by all the shouting and arguing.

I don’t want to have to keep taking it from her but if I don’t we argue and then get the silent treatment from her.

Her personality was like this before she went to uni so nothing is going to change.

Really don’t want to go on holiday tomorrow but I have spent money I don’t have and can’t disappoint the rest of my children by not going.

You need to give her some home truths about your finances, I hope she works

She has never worked she did try to get a job when she was 18 but nothing since.

It sounds like she’s being a bit playful, you feel attacked and then it escalates into a row.

If you feel resentful and unappreciated over giving her money you can’t afford, then reduce that and tell her she needs to find work now she’s 18.

Stop subsiding her. She needs to get a job and learn to support herself. Don't put up with disrespect.

I don't think there's anything wrong with an adult calling another adult out on their tone to be honest.

Respect works both ways. If you think she's meant to react all sunshine and daisies to your poor tone then you are being unreasonable.

It's also not OK for her to try and psychoanalyse your behaviour and act like she's the ultimate authority on your attitude.

The silent treatment is incredibly toxic and you don't have to put up with that but whatever boundaries you put in place you need to keep.

If you booked the holiday and it's in your name just go on holiday and tell her she's only welcome if she packs it in.

Have a discussion after your holiday about respectful relationships and see what you can both do to be better off whether that's counselling or her moving out or whatever.

She will have to make do with less money, just let her criticisms wash over you, did you argue before?

get a job so very easy to do. I’m completely sympathetic to the Op here; it sounds awful but equally it’s not 1996, you can’t just wander into a bar or a restaurant or a shop and come out with a job any more.

Does her uni not offer job coaching?

Less money to that young girl in future - she can have a job or spend less.

Id stop paying for her immediately and tell her if she wants any more money for uni she'll have to get a job.
I had to pay my own way right through uni working in nursing homes and all through the holidays because I had a mortgage and bills to pay.
Sounds like she needs a hard and sharp lesson.
I wouldnt take her on holiday either. She'd better start looking for work.

The silent treatment seems like the ideal outcome. Stop paying her anything other than what you have to for university.

Don't let her doss around your house for months while running her mouth.

There are carer jobs left right and centre.

Why are both you and DH giving her money? Does she know you are so short because of it?
Decide between you how much you can give her a month, that gets transferred on the 1st and no more afterwards. Make it clear this is the case and there isn’t anything else. It sounds a bit like you’re just giving it to her when she whinges, without explaining the consequences. She gets a budget like the rest of us.
(DM did this for years with a younger sibling)

Stop giving her money and buy a new hoover.

She’s an adult.

Don’t give her a penny more! Tell her going forwards she needs to work, if she doesn’t have the extra cash to do what she wants then tough. She does not get to leave you without money and then treat you like shit.
I would even consider telling her to stay at uni over the hoildays.

As a family we suffer because we give her money & have nothing left.

If you act as though she's more important than everyone else, she'll do the same. Martyrdom is not a good idea.

I wonder what is going on at uni -I remember my Dd telling me how wealthy everyone else was and could go out all the time blah blah blah.
Shes not coping with something and taking her anger/disappointment on you by goading you
you need to blank her
stop rising to the bait - put other siblings first and stop arguing
i do know what it’s like but have to say my goady Dd was much younger
she’s 20 -don’t give her the satisfaction of seeing you upset

There aren’t here actually although it depends where you are I imagine. You need a qualification in care.

I don’t think being shouted at is playful in any way.
it sounds like she doesn’t value what you provide. A sit down, you and DH look at what loan she has and what her rent is. Ensure she has enough for roof over head and basic food and then she needs to manage the nice things by having a job. Stop depriving yourselves and your other two to make her life easy.
Yes she is going to have to hustle to get a job, but they are out there. Let’s face it most of us have to hustle at various points in our lives.
It is all about respect and accountability and it goes both ways.

You have to stop or reduce funding her lifestyle if she's not grateful at all. She sounds immature to me.

I struggled with how wealthy many people at university were; I do remember that. There were many ‘ordinary’ people too of course but at the time I didn’t see that.

Why are you giving her cash for holidays if you can't afford to run your own house properly?
We all know it's not so easy to find work these days, but has she made any effort? registered with agencies, looked for babysitting jobs etc? Whilst you may feel you have to sub her for food, you don't have to pay for holidays, nights out, clothes etc. She presumably has a maintenance loan, the rest of the family including your other children shouldn't have to suffer because she is receiving more than her fair share of family resources. It doesn't sound like she is grateful at all, so I'd not be giving her spending money, or any money other than enough for food when she is at uni. When she's at home she doesn't need any cash from you. Use any extra to replace your hoover. She sounds like a spoilt madam and is not setting a good example for her younger siblings. You'll have them all behaving like this if you don't put a stop to it now. Remember, actions speak louder than words. Don't get drawn into arguments, but stop subsidising her.

Go on holiday. Don’t rise to any of her barbs. Get her to pay for her own drinks while away and do things without her - she needs to experience loss. Put boundaries down when you get back. You sound like a fantastic Mum and you don’t deserve this.

I don't think people are adults and on a par with their parents until they are financially independent tbh. If she's living in your home and being given money for university expenses, then she's still a child and not in any position to be dictating the terms of your home.

That said, this sounds like a spat that spiralled out of control and you should try to avoid escalating it just before a holiday. Let the dust settle and then have a mature conversation about money. Perhaps she should hear that the reason you have as bad kitchen and an old hoover is because you are diverting your money towards her education and wellbeing. And if she's going to be critical and mocking then it's time she stood more on her own two feet.

Jobs are difficult to come by but they are not impossible and the least she can do is try to help out if she's so grown up!

She’s completely spoilt.