Huge row with daughter home from university

[Missparentmisery]

My 20 year old daughter is home from uni. The first 2 weeks were ok because basically she was on holiday with friends. We are due to go away tomorrow but have just had an almighty row.

The way she talks to me is awful and is really upsetting especially as I give her money for uni every month, gave her cash for her holiday & basically try and do the best I can. As a family we suffer because we give her money & have nothing left.

My DH gives her money every month too which means we can’t afford to do stuff around the house like replace the kitchen or buy a new hoover. She said our kitchen was worse than a student house and laughed because the hoover is held together with sellotape even though I explained it’s because we have no spare cash.

The row started because she asked me a question and I replied with a bored fed up tone. She then shouted “watch your tone missy”. I told her not to speak to me like that and she said she’d speak to me how she wanted. I told her to treat me with respect she said why should she & it basically escalated from there.

Yes my tone wasn’t great but I told her I should be able to speak in whatever tone I want in my own home. She also picks me up on my facial expressions and tells me off if I look at her in the “wrong way”. Basically as long as I am never tired or depressed and speak in the “wrong” tone or look at her in the “wrong” way we get on ok.

Whenever we argue she uses the fact that I don’t have a dad to explain my “personality” says I need to go on medication, that I’m a hoarder (I’m not!) and basically rips me apart.

It’s upsetting and I don’t know how we will manage until she leaves for uni again in October. I have 2 other daughters who get upset by all the shouting and arguing.

I don’t want to have to keep taking it from her but if I don’t we argue and then get the silent treatment from her.

Her personality was like this before she went to uni so nothing is going to change.

Really don’t want to go on holiday tomorrow but I have spent money I don’t have and can’t disappoint the rest of my children by not going.

I suppose it depends what outcome the OP is looking for. If she just wants the rows to stop now then yes, limiting the daughter’s time at home might work. If she wants to build a long term, healthy relationship with her adult daughter for the future, and if she wants her daughter to trust and respect her, then making her unwelcome in her childhood home is probably not going to work.

Absolutely you do, I wish people would stop advocating 'getting a care job' as a stop gap, it's skilled, emotionally draining work that requires qualifications and experience.

I don’t know… I am my child’s only parent and definitively don’t earn a lot so I was not giving a penny to DS when he was at uni (not that he would accept it either). He was surrounded by very rich kids and all of them were working, from Deliveroo to hotel receptionists.

IME it is the children of parents acting as if they were rich are the ones acting as entitled arseholes. If she is acting like that to fit in perhaps she should have been raised on the idea that people who are true to themselves are normally far more respected by their peers than those frittering money away showing off.

Having said that, I think the suggestion of buying the hoover and take the money out of her yearly allowance is genius.

Are you 100% sure you’re not a hoarder?

I had a parent who was a hoarder and they would deny that they were until they were blue in the face. It was awful and I hated being in the house.

it is quite a weird feeling to come back from university and have your parent’s home be in a worse state of filth and disrepair than your student house

I have three DC all at Uni. All paying their own way. Time to cut her off and make her get a job. And two holidays?!? WTAF

Good for you @Missparentmisery, she doesn't really need the allowance during the summer and a functioning hoover is a household necessity.

In your shoes, I'd go on holiday tomorrow and speak to your DD about everyone in the family treating each other with respect when you get back (or when you're away and both relaxed). We place major emphasis on this in our house, because while it's fine to gently tease, none of us should be rude nor disrespectful. It's happened, of course, especially between DD and DS, and the person who does it apologies. I've been called out for it myself when I've been in a bad mood :-).

I get it. But people might interpretate boring tone: cold unloving tone which is not at all the same. Boring tone is when one is exhausted and can't muster energy other than just respond factually. My DS1 16 y asked me about 10 times this afternoon what we were having for supper- I was too tired to even snap in the end- just kept repeating "sausages and salade" in a very Boring tone indeed.

Tough.

@fartotheleftside Even if a parent is a hoarder, that's not a reason to be rude and disrespectful towards them. My Dad has lifelong mental health issues and is very challenging, he also hoards to a certain extent. But I'm not rude to him.

I wouldn’t have sent her to uni in the first place.

Part of the reason we have so many pricks running the world is because their parents support their spoiled asses. Withdraw her funding.

Just becuase someone isn’t your child doesn’t mean you should enable them to be a complete bastard to people. You won’t be the only person she treats like shit.

Your obligation as a parent is to raise a good human being above all else. Not a successful one. A GOOD one. And you’re failing.

To be fair, sometimes there’s little you can do. Especially when they are adults. But you can withdraw financial support and tell her spoiled brats need to earn for themselves to learn life lessons.

You were going to pay her an allowance while she was at home?

Why?!

Yeah, no…forcing a child to grow up in that environment is literally abuse

I can only assume you’ve never had to live in a hoarder house

It sounds like 6 of one and half a dozen of the other

I’d ‘pay’ her bugger all!

This. She needs to learn to value the money she's been getting.

@fartotheleftside My Mum kept him under control when I was growing up, he's worse now. I'm sure it's horrendous.

Can’t believe Op being criticised for tone. It’s one of my lines in and that I’m not working ft while adult dd lazed around.
Op’s been at work all day. The adult daughter has done nothing and is pestering mum what’s for dinner. So rude.

@JoyousWriter I'm surprised at this too, we've never given DD an allowance when she's been home. We treat her to things, but that's it.

No one has said or suggested the daughter is being forced to live with a hoarder. My daughter calls me a hoarder. I do have hoarder tendencies but it's a nice home to live in and she enjoys being home. OPs daughter just sounds rude and ungrateful .

Isn’t she trying to get a summer job?

If having one bike stored in a garage while I try and sell it makes me a hoarder 🤣

Was going to continue with her money because she has rent and bills to pay on her uni house, Landlords in her uni town charge students as early as late July/early September when term doesn’t start til October.

then why did she come home?
if she has a flat rent is being paid on?

Agree with this. She’s taken you for granted and needs a wake up call.

Because, even though rent start beg of July (Same with all unis btw), students usually go back home. You know to see their family.
Plus theres hardly anyone there so not much fun either.