Huge row with daughter home from university

[Missparentmisery]

My 20 year old daughter is home from uni. The first 2 weeks were ok because basically she was on holiday with friends. We are due to go away tomorrow but have just had an almighty row.

The way she talks to me is awful and is really upsetting especially as I give her money for uni every month, gave her cash for her holiday & basically try and do the best I can. As a family we suffer because we give her money & have nothing left.

My DH gives her money every month too which means we can’t afford to do stuff around the house like replace the kitchen or buy a new hoover. She said our kitchen was worse than a student house and laughed because the hoover is held together with sellotape even though I explained it’s because we have no spare cash.

The row started because she asked me a question and I replied with a bored fed up tone. She then shouted “watch your tone missy”. I told her not to speak to me like that and she said she’d speak to me how she wanted. I told her to treat me with respect she said why should she & it basically escalated from there.

Yes my tone wasn’t great but I told her I should be able to speak in whatever tone I want in my own home. She also picks me up on my facial expressions and tells me off if I look at her in the “wrong way”. Basically as long as I am never tired or depressed and speak in the “wrong” tone or look at her in the “wrong” way we get on ok.

Whenever we argue she uses the fact that I don’t have a dad to explain my “personality” says I need to go on medication, that I’m a hoarder (I’m not!) and basically rips me apart.

It’s upsetting and I don’t know how we will manage until she leaves for uni again in October. I have 2 other daughters who get upset by all the shouting and arguing.

I don’t want to have to keep taking it from her but if I don’t we argue and then get the silent treatment from her.

Her personality was like this before she went to uni so nothing is going to change.

Really don’t want to go on holiday tomorrow but I have spent money I don’t have and can’t disappoint the rest of my children by not going.

I agree with this op, it's a phase, even if she is negotiating it rather poorly.

Well done on the hoover!! Perfect response! I hope it's a good one and makes your life easier. I just got a new one and had not realised how tedious using the old one had become. Mind you it wasn't that old, so I'm not too thrilled about that. With luck you chose a better brand!

If she is.not working and not studying she should be running the house, cooking , cleaning and laundry... She is an adult living at home for free and being subsidised at uni. Life lessons!

When I said "do as you are told" was referring to not speaking to @Missparentmisery like shit. Probably didnt put that across very well.

OMG I’m leaving this thread, talking in a bored tone means I “don’t like my daughter very much” do give over. It means I’m bored responding to non stop boring questions about food and dinner and housework.

I think the thing is - you want a different outcome to the one you’re getting now. We can’t make any suggestions to your daughter about what she might do differently as she’s not here, so people are making any suggestions we can think of about what you might do differently to change the relationship, although I accept that makes it feel like we’re putting all the responsibility on you rather than your husband or daughter!

wtf? My dd is 18 and has worked since 16 (only a few hours but something) and she has full top up from us when she starts uni but from January we expect to reduce it down as I expect her to get a part time job. She’s working through the summer to save up to help too. dd2 has just got a job offer from her school work experience at the end of year 10 and she’s only 14! You dd needs a reality check.

i also would walk away when dd speaks rudely. I used to tell dc that my ears can’t hear rude voices. That was when they were toddlers but it worked. I used to sit and pick up a book until they spoke nicely, then I’d happily respond.

A 3rd is a degree.
Trying to infer there is something wrong with having multiple sexual partners is misogynistic

Jesus. Is your DH a functioning grown-up, or does he need his wife to explain how the washing maching works every time?

No wonder you sounded bored.

OMG yes I can remember bellowing that if I was asked what's for dinner one more time I'd go out and they could all cook their own bloody dinner. Three kids and one DH managed to ask at least twenty times!

Sorry you're getting flak, I struggle to believe that your critics would handle such rudeness from their own offspring with sweetness and light.

The bike that you are going to sell ? how have you tried / how long have you tried ?

as surely that would pay for a new hoover - ASDA sells hoovers for around £65...

Your adult dd isn't coming on this holiday is she ? she can stay ' home ' and clean / tidy / declutter / sell the bike and look for work.

OP on MN no one raises their voice , everyone talks calmly and kindly even when under severe provocation.
Meanwhile in the real world …..

She made this comment based on the fact I’m keeping her old bike (which I paid a lot of money for) to try and sell.

OP is only keeping it in order to sell.
Makes sense to let her DD do the work of selling and earn the money that way.

I feel like none of it would have happened if you had just apologised for taking a tone with her. Respect is earned, even from your children. If I take a tone with my son I apologise, and he does the same. Even by saying ‘watch your tone missy’ I suspect she was joking with you because it is the type of thing you would have said to her if she replied that way.

You want respect, then give it. And don’t blame her for you not having money, you chose whether or not to save ahead of her going to uni, when you have children you know that if they go to uni you are probably going to have to support them. If you hadn’t been able to then maybe she would have chosen a uni closer to home, you can’t be mad at her because of the financial choices you have made.

@Missparentmisery tbh I have found that coming back home from Uni, my two dcs bith reverted back to being teenagers whilst expecting the freedom they have at Uni

And yes it did end up with a massive ‘telling off’ a day before Christmas. They were both told very clearly that they rightly exiect us yo treat them like adults but that we also exoect them to act like adults. And theyre not. Theyre acting like grumpy teenagers and that is not acceptable.

Having said that, they also learnt. They saw friends having no money at all. Friends who had no choice but to work. And they mature.
This year, both dcs came back home and it has been great. Both acting like adults, stepping up without being asked. It WILL happen :):)

In the mean time, I’d do a few things

• review your finances. If you are so stretched out you can’t buy a new Hoover, you’re giving her too much. Plus you have 2 other children. How are you going to finance their days at the same level?
• treat her like an adult. Talk to her like an adult, not a teenager/your child. She’s been experiencing one (two?) years of full indeoendence, being treated like a child, being told off isn’t going to land well agd is likely to produce tge opposite result. The switch is hard but really worth it!
• If she has an attitude, again answer like if she was an adult, an aquaintance rather than ‘your’ child. A simole ‘that was rude’ is plenty. Don’t explain, don’t ’correct’ more. Grey rock if need be.
• dont use the fact you’re paying her studies to demand she behaves. That’s a recipe for disaster.

And please, don’t do what a lot of posters seem to think is a great answer - to punish by stopping her Uni allowance etc…. Thars the best way to damage your relationship beyond repair

I’ve been on both sides of this. It’s difficult readjusting to living in your parents house after being independent and on your own at uni. You bristle at being told what to do and how to be. You’re still young enough to be a victim of hormonal storms. As a parent, you send your sweet kid off to uni and they return mouthy, know it all, and difficult. Anything or nothing sets them off. Often, the mum suffers the worst of it, because it’s all part of “individuation”. They’re separating themselves from you in order to become themselves, whatever that might be. It’s a painful time. BUT, your daughter needs to tone it down. Tell her, as other posters have said, to get a part time job, especially when she returns to uni, as she’s right about the Hoover and other things at home. Agree that you and DH can’t afford to be so generous anymore. Finally, sometimes the best way to win is by not playing. Let her go off complaining and criticizing, and at a certain point just get up and walk away without engaging. “No audience, no show.”

Not in the past 6 months...

The supermarket jibs have 100s of applicants and often close the application process early as they are inundated.

There are plenty of us on here (and on multiple other threads) whose 18, 19, 20 year olds are constantly applying for jobs but not hearing back, let along actually getting an interview.

Right
stop sending her any money she gets a job end of

Stop giving her money and tell her to get a bloody job! She clearly has no respect for you and your kindness.

I think the problem here is that you've explained that your daughter is a disrespectful, entitled , selfish piece of work but you still think she's lovely.

I'm afraid you have spoiled her, in the true meaning of the word.

Stop being a cash machine, tell her to start contributing..at the moment you are not being a good parent , you must know this surely?

I’m quite old so maybe it’s the way things work these days but why is she still getting an allowance whilst living at home in the holidays? When I was at uni a long time ago if I wanted money outside of what I received for a grant I had to earn it. Yes I was housed and I suppose shared food at family meals etc but apart from that there was no money from parents in uni holidays.

wtf? My dd is 18 and has worked since 16 (only a few hours but something) and she has full top up from us when she starts uni but from January we expect to reduce it down as I expect her to get a part time job. She’s working through the summer to save up to help too. dd2 has just got a job offer from her school work experience at the end of year 10 and she’s only 14! You dd needs a reality check.

i also would walk away when dd speaks rudely. I used to tell dc that my ears can’t hear rude voices. That was when they were toddlers but it worked. I used to sit and pick up a book until they spoke nicely, then I’d happily respond.

There really aren’t! You need a car and experience to be employed as a carer here.

Tell her you won’t be funding her going forward as you are saving for the new kitchen she clearly thinks you need. Give her notice now and then she’ll have the summer to look for work.

I had at least one job throughout uni, at one point I had 3, and I got a first in my degree (Accountancy) so it can be done.

Why are you giving her so much money that you havent got enough to live on? Both you too. Give only what you can afford. If thats "only" £20 then thats fine.

This 👏