Huge row with daughter home from university

[Missparentmisery]

My 20 year old daughter is home from uni. The first 2 weeks were ok because basically she was on holiday with friends. We are due to go away tomorrow but have just had an almighty row.

The way she talks to me is awful and is really upsetting especially as I give her money for uni every month, gave her cash for her holiday & basically try and do the best I can. As a family we suffer because we give her money & have nothing left.

My DH gives her money every month too which means we can’t afford to do stuff around the house like replace the kitchen or buy a new hoover. She said our kitchen was worse than a student house and laughed because the hoover is held together with sellotape even though I explained it’s because we have no spare cash.

The row started because she asked me a question and I replied with a bored fed up tone. She then shouted “watch your tone missy”. I told her not to speak to me like that and she said she’d speak to me how she wanted. I told her to treat me with respect she said why should she & it basically escalated from there.

Yes my tone wasn’t great but I told her I should be able to speak in whatever tone I want in my own home. She also picks me up on my facial expressions and tells me off if I look at her in the “wrong way”. Basically as long as I am never tired or depressed and speak in the “wrong” tone or look at her in the “wrong” way we get on ok.

Whenever we argue she uses the fact that I don’t have a dad to explain my “personality” says I need to go on medication, that I’m a hoarder (I’m not!) and basically rips me apart.

It’s upsetting and I don’t know how we will manage until she leaves for uni again in October. I have 2 other daughters who get upset by all the shouting and arguing.

I don’t want to have to keep taking it from her but if I don’t we argue and then get the silent treatment from her.

Her personality was like this before she went to uni so nothing is going to change.

Really don’t want to go on holiday tomorrow but I have spent money I don’t have and can’t disappoint the rest of my children by not going.

I agree it’s harder than it was when we were teens but I’ve found dc politely going into independent places - hotels, restaurants, garden centres with a letter and cv to hand in has been successful. Dd is 18 and all of her friends work and have through all of 6th form. My 14 yo chose her work experience in the hope of a Saturday job and was offered one after impressing them. It’s possible but indeed and other platforms with the nonsense ai interview set up is awful and depressing. Dd1 once had 3 interview stages for bloody Costa coffee then didn’t get it because they wanted 18 year olds 🙄

It's up to parents to create a good atmosphere at home. If you can't answer family in a civil, polite tone, you can't expect it back.

Why are you giving her money and free board if she is so rude? I'd have been kicked out straight away-I know it was easier for teens to get jobs in the noughties, but if I hadn't been able to give my mum money, she would still have allowed me to stay but only if I was polite. If I'd done any of the things you say, I'd have been out.
If she'd only just started being rude, I would worry if she'd been assaulted or something, but you say she always has. But if she has always been allowed to be rude, while getting paid for it, why change?

Sorry I think you sound a bit immature and I can tell where your daughter might get her attitude from. If you’re bored/ knackered, just say “can you give me 5 mins to sort this” or I often say “please don’t ask me what’s for dinner just as I am serving it. If you wait 5 minutes you’ll have it in front of you.” But a passive aggressive bored tone is a bit silly. And sets a bad example.

Sounds like you need the holiday! Try to have a lovely time, and maybe come up with a plan for the summer. If your dd is off uni and not working perhaps she can usefully contribute to the household by selling the bike and anything else you are planning to get rid of on ebay/vinted. Have a dinner rota so it isn't all on you.

No way i’d have my kids speaking to me like that. She can change her attitude or make her own way in the world.

It's all a bit weird when they go off to uni then come home for holidays. Your relationship inevitably changes but there's no need to stop the my house my rules. I just picked ds up and there's no I can be happiness and light until October. He loves a political wind up and rilling me up and it works. I shut him down with a argument he couldn't win yesterday. God knows what our neighbours think. I love him dearly but like any very close relationship we don't see eye to eye on everything

I agree with this. A couple of posters had picked up the daughter seemed a bit hyper-vigilant and worried about her mum’s mood, so I think there’s something more going on than the daughter is just straightforwardly ‘spoilt’.

Id go on holiday and leave her at home

we were all lucky in that my dc all stayed in their uni towns.
26 year old comes home and does make comments sometimes about the house, but i try and let it wash over me, she is only home for a weekend, no point rowing!

Why are you giving her so much money?

Last time my parents paid for a holiday I was 16. At 20 I think I went on holiday with uni mates for 2 weeks and spent the rest of the holiday working to pay for it!

op @Missparentmisery a few niggles are understandable when your offspring come home from uni,
she has had experiences as an adult outside of the family home.
i would encourage her to cook, do the research for a hoover, sell her bike etc.,

you need to reconnect

Stop subsidising her. Is she working all summer to save up for when she goes back in October? I worked every summer, so did my husband, long hours and then I had a job at uni too term time so I could afford to go out etc. My parents didn't send me any money, my loan just about covered my rent. I'd explain you've decided to get the kitchen done so will need to cut back on the money you send her, you've realised she's right, the kitchen does look like a student kitchen and you really should replace it, thank her for drawing your attention to it. If she shows you no respect, just stop giving her an easy ride.

How much is a new hoover ?
Buy one for 50£ from argos and while she is home you can reduce her subsidy by 50£ this month
Results for vacuum cleaner in Appliances, Floorcare, Vacuum cleaners share.google/ZEPfKaEyTzbvjksgb

I’m glad you’ve ordered yourself a new hoover. It’s a boundary and something you have control over. I have experienced similar myself and seen it happen with friends and colleagues’ children. It doesn’t matter how much you tell yourself about this being part of growing up, it still hurts at the time.

I actually do think I can use whatever tone I want in my own house which I pay for.

Ah. "I can do what I want because I pay for stuff." This is the flip side of martyrdom and it's one reason people don't like martyrs. They act all oppressed and put upon but really they see relationships as transactional and think you owe them.

By this logic, if your daughter started contributing, she can also talk to you in any way she likes. If you can buy your way out of being decent and courteous to people.

We only give our son £100 a month when he’s at home from uni.

Your daughter needs to at least try to get a job. It is hard i know but most students manage to find something. Probably something not appealing necessarily, but student jobs such as those in care or hospitality are fine in the short term. We have all done them.
Stop paying more than you can afford towards uni . It is her degree , she needs to pull her weight and work harder for it. It is massively unrealistic and damaging to her and the rest of the family to be over supporting her.
Try and take a break from the situation. Then sit down with her and try and clear the air and find a way forward.

She’s a spoilt brat and being allowed to get away with it! STOP giving her money for a start! Make her stand on her own two feet and in the holidays she shoudl be working and making her own money!!

You really need to stop enabling her

Some of my parent’s favourite carers are students. I am quite in awe of 20 year
olds who have their shit together sufficient to do this job, run a car AND do a degree AND be kind and considerate in their role. One is a trainee teacher, another a nurse another a dancer. I think it is definitely not for everyone but it is certainly doable.

@magicwood I head the recruitment team in a social care setting. You don’t need qualifications but you do need the right soft skills. The ops daughter isn’t giving that.

This nails it.

Tell her unless she changes her attitude and learns to be civil, then she is not welcome home for long periods and she needs to make alternative arrangements. Her behaviour is not acceptable and it's disrupting family life. She needs to move out permanently and get a p/t job to help with her rent. I'm not sure why she is there since the accomodation clearly doesn't meet her exacting standards

Couple of thoughts:

A lot of mums and daughters find it hard to adjust to living together again so you are both having to find a balance.

Try not to escalate. You can't control what she does. But when things are spiralling, you don't have to have the last word.

Try not to use passive aggressive techniques. Your "bored" responses are passive aggressive and not adult like.

Choose your battles.

Prioritise your relationship, not being right.

I have a daughter who is now 27. I bite my tongue all the time for the greater good. Say to yourself "this too shall pass!"