Huge row with daughter home from university

[Missparentmisery]

My 20 year old daughter is home from uni. The first 2 weeks were ok because basically she was on holiday with friends. We are due to go away tomorrow but have just had an almighty row.

The way she talks to me is awful and is really upsetting especially as I give her money for uni every month, gave her cash for her holiday & basically try and do the best I can. As a family we suffer because we give her money & have nothing left.

My DH gives her money every month too which means we can’t afford to do stuff around the house like replace the kitchen or buy a new hoover. She said our kitchen was worse than a student house and laughed because the hoover is held together with sellotape even though I explained it’s because we have no spare cash.

The row started because she asked me a question and I replied with a bored fed up tone. She then shouted “watch your tone missy”. I told her not to speak to me like that and she said she’d speak to me how she wanted. I told her to treat me with respect she said why should she & it basically escalated from there.

Yes my tone wasn’t great but I told her I should be able to speak in whatever tone I want in my own home. She also picks me up on my facial expressions and tells me off if I look at her in the “wrong way”. Basically as long as I am never tired or depressed and speak in the “wrong” tone or look at her in the “wrong” way we get on ok.

Whenever we argue she uses the fact that I don’t have a dad to explain my “personality” says I need to go on medication, that I’m a hoarder (I’m not!) and basically rips me apart.

It’s upsetting and I don’t know how we will manage until she leaves for uni again in October. I have 2 other daughters who get upset by all the shouting and arguing.

I don’t want to have to keep taking it from her but if I don’t we argue and then get the silent treatment from her.

Her personality was like this before she went to uni so nothing is going to change.

Really don’t want to go on holiday tomorrow but I have spent money I don’t have and can’t disappoint the rest of my children by not going.

@SummerDive It depends. My DD (21) and her friends all came home for a break after their exams (DD also went on a short holiday with me) and then returned to their uni town for the rest of the summer. They're doing a mix of internships, summer classes, and pt jobs. They did the same last year.

To them, it seemed pointless paying rent on their unused accommodation. Not that they don't love us, but spending the summer with their friends going to concerts, having weekends away, etc. is arguably more fun :-)

Initially retail, then hospitality.

You're being mugged off. If you stop giving money then she will find a job.

The point is, you're doing her no favours at all because with zero work history her degree doesn't count for much.

Stop the handouts or at least, reduce them significantly. It's totally unacceptable for her to treat you like this while you're funding her life.

you need to stop giving her so much money and she needs to get a job. Fact. Tell her the money in x date will be the last one so she has time to find a job. Stop letting her walk all over you.

but that would be an ideal time to get a job!

The minimum student maintenance loan is about £6000. That's not anywhere near enough even to pay rent in most places, never mind eat. I understand why you need to give her money. Assuming she's not at Oxford or Cambridge, she should however get a part time job in the holidays. You need to talk to her and explain how difficult things are for you and that she needs to start picking up some of the slack.

Apologise? Behave!. 😂

Mothers are not robots, we're allowed to be fed up sometimes and have a 'tone'.

If my DD ever dares say to me "watch your tone missy" while contributing absolutely nothing to the household or paying for anything in her own life, she'd be put in her place sharpish.

These are nasty, bullying comments from your daughter. She doesn't seem to respect you and her comments are petty, spiteful and designed to hurt.

What consequences does she get for insulting you and speaking to you so rudely?

I think I'd make it clear that she is getting no financial help for the remainder of her degree (if this is feasible - if not then halve the amount you give her). If she complains, tough. She can get a part-time job to fund her studies.

You are bankrolling an entitled, ungrateful brat. Time for some tough love. You are being far too nice.

oh look its the sub group of the "Be Kind" brigade

"Boreded · Today 19:04
I feel like none of it would have happened if you had just apologised for taking a tone with her. Respect is earned, even from your children. If I take a tone with my son I apologise, and he does the same. Even by saying ‘watch your tone missy’ I suspect she was joking with you because it is the type of thing you would have said to her if she replied that way.
You want respect, then give it. And don’t blame her for you not having money, you chose whether or not to save ahead of her going to uni, when you have children you know that if they go to uni you are probably going to have to support them. If you hadn’t been able to then maybe she would have chosen a uni closer to home, you can’t be mad at her because of the financial choices you have made."

Do people really cut off university funding / ask their children not to come back to the family home / tell them they are spoilt brats if their university age children are sarcastic or rude? In real life? Don’t they try to improve the relationship? Be curious about why their children are struggling or have low mood? Good relationships sometimes take patience and work. The OP has said she doesn’t want to cut off funding… plus also lots of parents are guarantors on students rent etc …. It’s not as simple as just stopping paying I don’t think.

I had immigrant parents. I grew up with friends who were the same. We were the first in our families to go to university. We all had jobs. None of us received a penny from our parents as they had none to give. Time she grows up.

Everybody I knew had summer jobs from age 16. I think you need to quit paying for non essentials during summer. I can't believe she is so mouthy to you.
Sell the bike and use the money to get your hair done.

Yeah we are allowed to not be perfect, then we apologise. If I wouldn’t speak to a colleague in that tone then I wouldn’t speak with my child that way.

However, given the condescension from your post telling me to ‘behave’, I suspect you don’t have great people skills with colleagues either 🤷‍♀️

Nope, definitely not. If someone is a dick they’ll be put firmly back in their place, I would have reacted in a similar way to the daughter in this scenario.

Yeah, cos she definitely sounds like she has the right attitude to be a carer.

Being a carer is bloody hard work, and requires a special kind of person to be able to do it. I do wish that people wouldn’t assume that just anyone who needs a job should do a carer role.

She sounds like a spoilt brat. The uni students I know have had jobs and were working during their holidays, some during term time also. It's time she learned about real life, tell her to look for a job and to stop being so ungrateful. I also wouldn't be talking to her, if she can't be respectful then just walk away.

Or 'stack shelves' like those jobs are easy to come by. Supermarket jobs are the most sought after round here and have hundreds of applicants.

I would buy a lovely Miele vacuum and then start planning the kitchen renovation.

Missy can find a job.

Hopefully, she chose a sensible degree.