Huge row with daughter home from university

[Missparentmisery]

My 20 year old daughter is home from uni. The first 2 weeks were ok because basically she was on holiday with friends. We are due to go away tomorrow but have just had an almighty row.

The way she talks to me is awful and is really upsetting especially as I give her money for uni every month, gave her cash for her holiday & basically try and do the best I can. As a family we suffer because we give her money & have nothing left.

My DH gives her money every month too which means we can’t afford to do stuff around the house like replace the kitchen or buy a new hoover. She said our kitchen was worse than a student house and laughed because the hoover is held together with sellotape even though I explained it’s because we have no spare cash.

The row started because she asked me a question and I replied with a bored fed up tone. She then shouted “watch your tone missy”. I told her not to speak to me like that and she said she’d speak to me how she wanted. I told her to treat me with respect she said why should she & it basically escalated from there.

Yes my tone wasn’t great but I told her I should be able to speak in whatever tone I want in my own home. She also picks me up on my facial expressions and tells me off if I look at her in the “wrong way”. Basically as long as I am never tired or depressed and speak in the “wrong” tone or look at her in the “wrong” way we get on ok.

Whenever we argue she uses the fact that I don’t have a dad to explain my “personality” says I need to go on medication, that I’m a hoarder (I’m not!) and basically rips me apart.

It’s upsetting and I don’t know how we will manage until she leaves for uni again in October. I have 2 other daughters who get upset by all the shouting and arguing.

I don’t want to have to keep taking it from her but if I don’t we argue and then get the silent treatment from her.

Her personality was like this before she went to uni so nothing is going to change.

Really don’t want to go on holiday tomorrow but I have spent money I don’t have and can’t disappoint the rest of my children by not going.

Pay your own bills before hers.

Why pay her holiday?

She could work and yes,she can find a job if she needs to. Until now she hasn't needed one.

Cross posted with very similar thoughts!

She doesn't need to work, she's quite happy living off of hand outs from you and her dad.

She probably sees you now as just her personal bank account and no more.

"You can speak to me any way you like when you no longer want my money. Until then you will do as you are told"

Is she your eldest ?

If so, what happens if the younger children go to Uni? You can't pay for allow them.

Regardless of that, I think you need a duscussion on finances and you all need to be realistic on what your contribution is going to be.

I dont even earn that much and have to pay a big chunk. Without it, she can't pay her rent let alone eat.

Stop giving her money and tell her to get a part time job through the holidays. Most students I know do this anyway, not just sit on their backside.. about time she took some financial responsibility force herself and also learn some respect for you.

I worked my way through every holiday when I was at uni. She is very ungrateful and is walking all over you. This isn’t a relationship, it’s abuse and you need to not accept it. Apart from everything else you’re setting a bad example to your other children by letting her away with this shocking behaviour.

Just cut the cash out……make her appreciate how much you do for her op

Playful? I think not.

I didn’t get the full grant either due to my parents income - instead I got a zero hour contract in a pub and most weeks worked 25-30 hours, on top of lectures, social life and 2 volunteering jobs related to my degree.

An income high enough to stop the full grant doesn’t always mean there’s enough cash to fund you, especially if there’s younger kids at home. This was clear to me, hence why I worked and funded myself (and it was fairly recently so I’m not wildly out of touch with the times!). If she wanted to, she would.

I’m not sure ‘do as you’re told’ is realistic when you’re trying to navigate a relationship with an adult child. It is different from parenting a child.

It agree it would probably work in the short term of course as the daughter doesn’t have any other options for financial support, but I’m just not convinced it’s a helpful long term strategy for making this a good adult relationship. Worth building something built on mutual respect and understanding now, because one day the daughter will be 35 and paying her own mortgage, and threats won’t hold the relationship together any longer.

Stop giving her money and buy a new vacuum instead. Ungrateful wench
She's lucky to have a home and a caring mum and dad.

• don’t take her on holiday with you
• she can use that time to find a job
• if she continues to shout and be disrespectful, she can go to a mates house to stay.

I am categorically not a hoarder! She made this comment based on the fact I’m keeping her old bike (which I paid a lot of money for) to try and sell. It is in our garage along with anything else we need to store.

Yes she has the same dad as her 2 sisters. DH and I have provided a lovely stable home for her and her sisters.

And to answer another question yes she is at a top University surrounded by very well off students but we’re not exactly in the workhouse. DH is a higher rate tax payer and I work fulltime too. Our house is comfortable, each DD has their own room. Our kitchen is old but is clean and functional, it does need replacing but it’s not falling down!

I actually do think I can use whatever tone I want in my own house which I pay for. Not shouting or swearing obviously but if I’m tired or upset I’m not going to act like Mary poppins all the time. The tone I used when she asked me a question was a bored fed up sort of tone because she’d kept asking me about dinner and I was feeling worn down with it all. A nice response would have been let me do dinner mum not “watch your tone missy”.

I don't think the residents want a child like this looking after them. She has no compassion for her mother, let alone elderly people...

Any allowance during uni holidays needs to be stopped immediately. That's ridiculous for a medium to poor household with other children.

She needs a job.

She sounds like a bully. I appreciate that’s hard to hear but there’s no excuse for speaking to you in the way that she does.

I would def not be taking her on holiday. She's had hers. She an adult, leave her at home. A frank discussion about finances is also needed, she needs to get a job. My daughter had summer jobs when she was back from Uni. Nursery job the first year, coffee shop second year and bar job when she finished third year. We also had to pay her rent in the 3rd year as her loan didnt cover it. She was grateful and would NEVER speak to me like that.

I’ve just ordered a new hoover from Amazon! I was going to give her her full monthly allowance but as she is home I’m not going to this month. Will re-start it in October.

What was the question and answer you responded to with a bored fed up tone and why did you respond that way?
as far as your daughteres criticism of your home ,you need to be honest with her about finances and that supporting her finanically through university has a cost to you and your family in terms of what you have to give up in order to do so. Id this immaturity and inexperience from your daughter,one of my daughters was like this when she was at uni,we laugh about it now shes older and wiser.
Dont give up your holiday ,its not fair to you or your other children .

Her initial comment doesn’t sound like an attack. Admittedly, it does sound like she was calling you out but in a playful way and you admitted you replied with a bored and fed up
tone so it doesn’t sound uncalled for. I suspect you’d be upset if she used the same tone with you. Respect goes both ways and not fair to assume that your expressions and tone don’t affect other people.

As for the financial issues you need to have a very frank conversation with her about the whole families finances and do it soon so she has time to try and sort something out in time for her next year of uni

Well done, correct approach.

Of course you can’t talk to her “in any tone you want”. If you expect respect then you need to behave respectfully.

But your daughter is acting like a spoiled brat.
Let her have a job and work out her life - and spend your money on things you need.

Your daughter sounds like a spoilt, entitled brat. Be honest with her regarding your finances, she's 20, not 5. Tell her that you will no longer be subsidising her financially, because you can't afford to do this any longer, so therefore she needs to find a part-time job. You and her Dad need to decide between you what essentials you will pay for eg. Rent, but the rest is down to her to pay.

She's a 20 year old grown adult, who is immature, disrespectful and has zero idea on the costs in the big wide world. It's time you educated her, by being tougher and putting boundaries in place. If she can't be respectful towards you in your own home, then it's time she moved out permanently. You are enabling her behaviour by subsidising her, which allows her to have no responsibility or accountability in life, which isn't realistic.