People expecting lifts

[DanceUnderStars]

I do a hobby once a week with my daughter that we have to drive about 40 minutes to get to. My daughter lives with me and we share the driving.

A new woman has joined the group about 3 months ago, who it turns out lives a 5 minutes drive from us, on our route to the hobby. She doesn’t drive and gets the bus to the group.

She has now found out she lives near us and has asked if we can give her a lift. Neither of us want to do it as we don’t really like this woman and we also like having the time to have a good chat and catch up on the journey. Although we live together, with my husband and son as well, we are both busy so it’s nice to have that time each week to talk. We also occassionally don’t go straight to or home after the hobby, but most of the time we do.

We have said no but are now getting some comments from other members of the group that it’s a shame we won’t help her. I have shut them down and changed the subject but people keep suggesting we should help her and we are being unreasonable. She started the group knowing she’d have to use public transport so I don’t really have much sympathy, I’m pissed off with the comments. Last week when we walked in, a group including this woman were talking about the possibility of us giving her a lift with one woman saying she doesn’t see why we won’t. It’s really awkward.

How would you handle it? We have said no, explained we like to use it as a catch up, we don’t always go straight to and from the hobby, but they’re still going on about it.

This probably wouldn’t be the hill I would choose to die on if I liked this hobby group. Absolutely you don’t have to give this woman a lift. No obligation etc. But as someone quite independent and self-reliant, this has bitten me on the arse a few times in life. I would probably put this down to universal karma and ‘do my bit’ etc by helping this woman out with a lift. You’re completely right that you don’t have any obligation, but in terms of the outcome you’re seeking, presumably continuing this hobby, being right isn’t going be enough.

This person presumably signed up for the hobby with the expectation they would be getting to and from there on public transport.

maybe they could apply for Mobility allowance or use it if they already claim it, thus allowing them to spend it on a taxi, whose job it is to provide the service they want from you for free.

I wouldn't be explaining about how i can't do it because I do other things or use the time for mother daughter bonding. I would be very clear that I'm not doing it because I don't want to do it and point out how rude it is to volunteer other people to do things they don't want to do.

"'Easy to volunteer somebody else isn't it? I'm not doing t because I won't enjoy it, and I don't want a hobby I love to be tainted by that. So stop trying to make me feel bad about it. If you think it'd be such a joy, you do it."

I also think it's pretty important to say directly to the new member that her complaining about you not just doing what she's asked because she's asked is incredibly rude and that you don't appreciate it.

But that will be even more difficult as the person who can’t drive has already shown herself to be awkward. She will say “see it isn’t that bad” and expect every week, guarantee it 😂

I think it’s wonderful that you had the backbone to say “no” in the first place, OP. And to keep on saying it, in the face of her complaints. You’ve had some good recommendations and I’m sure you’re capable of deploying them firmly and politely.

Also is there another hobby group anywhere else nearby? I’d drive a little further not to be around people like that to be honest.

They sound awful talking about you and putting pressure on you anyways.

If you really want to stick it out you need to call them out.

“why don’t you give her a lift then?”

You absolutely don’t have to give her a lift. In your shoes I would say give me your number if we are heading straight there then I’ll message you on the day to let you know I can offer you one there or back (make it clear it may not be both) However I would also make myself very unreliable so she realises the bus is the better option.

Won’t they argue that it doesn’t make sense for them to give her a lift as OP lives near her?

Yeah, this will never work.

Giving someone with no boundaries an inch of kindness means they will insist on taking a mile. She'll then start up with "but why cant you just take me this week? you took me last week and it was so helpful for me, just one more week" and before you know it, it will be expected every week and there will always be some random reason why she cant do public transport that week. Every single week there will be a request to "just take her that week". If she is willing to get others to bully the OP about it then she wont think twice about nagging her every week!

IF they are so concerned about this woman and they live too far from her to give her a lift or they dont drive, then they could all contribute to a weekly taxi for her. But they wont will they? because as soon as it involves putting themselves out they'll shut up about it.

As PP have said, its very easy to be generous with someone else's time and money.

No, I meant they might not live in close proximity to this woman. I don’t see the issue in offering her a lift from time to time, but hey that’s me. I think it’s fine to drop her off home or something here and there

I think it’s a bit tight not giving a disabled woman a lift tbh.

They could all chip in for a taxi

If they feel that passionately about it then I would say “how lovely that this community is willing to do a rota of collection and or pay for taxi’s for Josie!” Watch them squirm

OP - is there an organiser of the hobby you can chat/ complain to that you are being pressured into something that 2 participants don’t want and are not willing to do!!

Why don't you PM the OP, find out where they live and offer the woman a lift yourself every week.

Exactly. I bet you anything it will be tumbleweed when that’s suggested though 🙄 as it always it with people lecturing others to #bekind

@DanceUnderStars sadly, you were too honest. If ever it happens again "oh, I'd love to but most weeks we have a commitment in the opposite direction and just can't. We don't have to do that in the last week of the month so can do that. Can anyone else help the other weeks?".

I wouldn’t even want a lift in that scenario, having to make small talk for that length of time, no thanks!

If you feel you need to stop going because of this, please make the organiser know. It’s not fair to be bullied out, they have a responsibility to everyone. Even if it’s awkward for a little while, you can still go, remember you don’t have to be friends with everyone, to still do the things you love ♡.

Say you can’t do it for personal reasons. If anyone feels that strongly about it, they can give her a lift.

Why should she give up ANY time to help someone whose company she doesn't like?

I think if it was ad hoc on the Ops terms, fitting around her plans that’s one thing, but lifts were expected to the detriment of the Op. The commitment and expectation (as well as the women being entitled and malicious) can cause anxiety and that really just spoils the fun of the hobby.

Absolutely this. No come back to it, and you're calling them all out

I got roped into lifts in a similar situation. Making small talk for 30 minutes each way was like pulling teeth. It continued for a few months until our Christmas do where she had too much to drink and suddenly became very vocal about her antisemitic conspiracy theories. Ridiculous that it took that to make me put my foot down but I was early 20s and still growing my backbone.

The group have made up their minds.

Find another group/hobby elsewhere.

I think I’d be tempted to just start a new group nearer to home, couldn’t be arsed with driving 40 mins each way to deal with busybodies like this, the ones pressuring OP seem like more of a problem.

OP is right to say no for the reasons she has, but if it were me I’d probably offer a lift home during winter months (assuming it’s a evening activity)