People expecting lifts

[DanceUnderStars]

I do a hobby once a week with my daughter that we have to drive about 40 minutes to get to. My daughter lives with me and we share the driving.

A new woman has joined the group about 3 months ago, who it turns out lives a 5 minutes drive from us, on our route to the hobby. She doesn’t drive and gets the bus to the group.

She has now found out she lives near us and has asked if we can give her a lift. Neither of us want to do it as we don’t really like this woman and we also like having the time to have a good chat and catch up on the journey. Although we live together, with my husband and son as well, we are both busy so it’s nice to have that time each week to talk. We also occassionally don’t go straight to or home after the hobby, but most of the time we do.

We have said no but are now getting some comments from other members of the group that it’s a shame we won’t help her. I have shut them down and changed the subject but people keep suggesting we should help her and we are being unreasonable. She started the group knowing she’d have to use public transport so I don’t really have much sympathy, I’m pissed off with the comments. Last week when we walked in, a group including this woman were talking about the possibility of us giving her a lift with one woman saying she doesn’t see why we won’t. It’s really awkward.

How would you handle it? We have said no, explained we like to use it as a catch up, we don’t always go straight to and from the hobby, but they’re still going on about it.

Leave lots of empty drinks cups in her footwell. Collect from fast food places in advance. Add crisp packets.
Tuck a blanket used by a moulting dog all over the back seat. If you can’t supply, ask a neighbour.
I’m getting into this now! Glad you posted!

I can see why you don’t want to get sucked into giving her a lift every time! Why on earth did she sign up for a hobby which is so inconvenient for her to travel to? She was obviously happy to do so before she found out you lived nearby. Now she’s expecting a lift!

Like QEII don’t explain…because they’re not listening and it’ll make you feel uncomfortable and powerless against her and her entourage.
She’ll be practiced in this so will know all the answers.
Take over the power.
Make it unpleasant for her. Start tomorrow night and pull out all the stops. Anticipate it with relish.
Certainly don’t leave the group. Why should you? “You’re going that way anyway” can do one. I hate CF who do this.

Yep, got talked into this nonsense… very early morning start time at work, this girl couldn’t drive and it was too early for buses, so I got dragged into it.
By the end of the first week, I was driving round her estate trying to find her as she wasn’t at the meeting point. Second week she made us both hideously late - and tried blaming me! Week three, she didn’t show up at all, so I went on to work - bloody late again - and then she rang work wanting me to go back and pick her up!
She had never paid me, never even offered me money or bought me some chocolate…nothing! And I was going out of my way to pick her up.
I lost my shit at this point, and made my feelings to her and everyone else perfectly clear…NO MORE LIFTS - anyone - ever!

As Zammo said “Just say no”

Its just not worth the hassle.

Yes!

And over the many years I’ve been at my job, I’m amazed at the amount of people who take a job there, who can’t drive, can’t or won’t use buses, or expect the firm to pay for their taxis! Cheeky buggers!

This happened to me too. 5 of us started a hobby, 1 man there doesn't drive. He asks/expects a lift home from someone/anyone.
Its 20min out of everyone's way and then once we've dropped him off its another however long to get back so it adds like an extra 40-50min onto a weekday hobby.

Its not our fault you cant drive!

Its sad though cos we have all pretty much stopped attending cos of the awkwardness of saying no to lifts

I admire your style!

Cor, sense of community really is dead these days huh

Everybody pitch in so that she can get to and from a hobby that is too far from her home to be practical for her? Like she's a charity case? Is she going to be contributing to petrol (and all of the other car ownership costs) for all of the others to get there - or is it only her who can't be expected to pay for her own travel?

Oh, there's plenty of community goodwill on the part of everybody there who isn't offering to give this woman a lift. I mean, just because it might be a detour for them, if they have cars, and there are roads that go to this woman's house, there's nothing whatsoever stopping them from using them to transport her.

It's just that it's so much easier to be kind and community-minded with somebody else's time, money and resources.

🙄

What kind of person takes a job, or takes up a hobby, that they have no practical way (or no way at all) of getting to?

I've just seen a job for a full-time Japanese translator - I don't speak a word of Japanese, but I still can't see a single reason why it wouldn't be the perfect job for me!

Just say something along the lines of you'd love to help but you don't go directly to and from the hobby venue as you have to divert to take care of an elderly relative en route/ do your weekly tesco shop on the way home each week/collect your son & husbandfrom their hobby so no room in the car etc (or words to that effect).
Then don't entertain it anymore.....

Sense of community my arse. It’s what yours is mine because I’m entitled and demand it, am prepared to involve others to embarrass you to give it to me.

Just make clear in conversation that you are not always starting from home or going back there directly.

If you don't drive (which is a basic life skill in my opinion) the onus is on you to be such a nice person that people actually want to give you a lift!

No!! Never say 'you'd love to help, but'! They just take it as a sign to increase the pressure, aiming to overcome whatever your 'but' was. Never appease people like this, they don't respond to reason.

I think there are 2 , and they both work
Never explain , never complain ( I think that was the late Queens phrase )
Never excuse , Never explain

No I can’t do that
That’s a good enough answer
Don't make excuses , don’t say sorry

And I'd then follow it up with directly facing Jackie and saying

'you enrolled on this expecting to get the bus. You factored that transport into your decision. I am not happy for you to decide that I should now be responsible for you. In fact, I'm mightily pissed off that not only do you expect that of me, but you're actively recruiting others to pressurise me. Stop it!'

I despise people who use flying monkeys. And sometimes, the best form of defence IS attack.

The problem is you’re stressed and honest.
You’ll need to employ subterfuge to shake her off. See my previous posts.

I can thoroughly recommend having a midlife crisis and buying an old two seater sports car. I only tend to take one child with me at a time, so usually use that one now.

Is your dd of an age where she could be learning to drive on her way to/from the hobby? That’s the only time I use my old (boring) car now.

Yes, this. To decent people, it's a clear way of declining the request and making it clear that it doesn't work for you, which will be instantly respected by the person asking.

However, to a CF, it's actually a very positive step forward, as all they have to do is to solve your 'problem' so that you have no reason to miss out on the 'delight' of helping them, then they've got the 'win' secured and in the bag. Whatever problems you introduce, they will find a 'solution' - and usually one that works much less well for you, but which technically does make it possible.

If these kind community-minded people are so willing to offer your private vehicle, why don't they offer their private homes to her? I'm sure one of them must live much closer to the hobby venue, and so they could put her up overnight afterwards and then she could get an early bus home in the light the following morning - or, even better, they could also give her a lift home too!

Can you go full on dramatic and do tears saying I’’m not a taxi this class is my only chill time and then precious catch up time with my DD in the car and I look forward to it all week, please don’t ask me again - that should do it

This is one if those situations whereby you’ve been made out to be the baddies, but you’ve not done anything wrong.

If anyone says anything, explain that it’s not convenient for you, plus you and daughter enjoy your tine together.

I actually hate giving lifts to people, even short distances. It makes me nervous. Coukd you say that given lifts to people apart from your family makes you anxious, so you’re unable to help (unless it’s known You a lift giver).

it’s a shame when this sort of situation ruins a hobby for you.

But they might not live nearby 🤦🏽‍♀️