People expecting lifts

[DanceUnderStars]

I do a hobby once a week with my daughter that we have to drive about 40 minutes to get to. My daughter lives with me and we share the driving.

A new woman has joined the group about 3 months ago, who it turns out lives a 5 minutes drive from us, on our route to the hobby. She doesn’t drive and gets the bus to the group.

She has now found out she lives near us and has asked if we can give her a lift. Neither of us want to do it as we don’t really like this woman and we also like having the time to have a good chat and catch up on the journey. Although we live together, with my husband and son as well, we are both busy so it’s nice to have that time each week to talk. We also occassionally don’t go straight to or home after the hobby, but most of the time we do.

We have said no but are now getting some comments from other members of the group that it’s a shame we won’t help her. I have shut them down and changed the subject but people keep suggesting we should help her and we are being unreasonable. She started the group knowing she’d have to use public transport so I don’t really have much sympathy, I’m pissed off with the comments. Last week when we walked in, a group including this woman were talking about the possibility of us giving her a lift with one woman saying she doesn’t see why we won’t. It’s really awkward.

How would you handle it? We have said no, explained we like to use it as a catch up, we don’t always go straight to and from the hobby, but they’re still going on about it.

@GimmieABreakOr3 the Op has explained why they don't want to take on this task. They have explained that it's time they value for them to spend with their daughter, they occasionally have other tasks to complete and also they don't actually enjoy this person's company at all. That is their choice and it's fair and valid. I really value and believe in the joys of community, but those communities need to be formed willingly with good will on both sides. The fact that the other hobby-goer has then complained to the rest of the group about the situation is very telling and entitled of them - personally I would also be severely disinclined to help given that circumstance. The other hobby-goer started the hobby believing they would need to get themselves there of their own accord so they need to politely accept the refusal of lifts, not weaponise it.

True, but as @AWeeCupOfTeaAndAnIndividualFruitTrifle said, some of these complainers could easily take a 10-20 minute detour if they feel that hobby cf needs a lift.

Don’t forget, hobby cf joined this club using public transport so she has other means of getting there.

Going forward, if it’s brought up, don’t engage and change the subject. Ie deflect. Mention the football, tennis etc. or even the proverbial
weather. You tried explaining and that’s not working so time to change tact.

The chances are that at least one of them will live closer than 40 minutes away - if they all live as far away as OP, why on earth would they choose there for the venue?

But even if they don't, that's not really the point: even if it costs you to honour your personal principles, you don't get to freely offer out other people's money, time, privacy and convenience whilst magically escaping the very thought of ever actually being expected to do so yourself.

God, the posts on this thread! Can't you just tell her you can't manage taking her every week but happy to do the odd week - say the first week each month? If she's disabled and slogging in on public transport this would help her a lot. Is once a month really too ghastly to contemplate?

They don’t want to. They don’t have to. They have their reasons. That’s enough.

Who are all these other ‘group members’ who are happy to comment and say all this- how rude!

We appear to have a couple of them on here! 🙄

Buy a 2 seater car!

Failing that, I think the straight approach is the best - no it doesn’t work for us as it’s our only opportunity in the week to have mother/daughter time, and we don’t always go straight there or home.

I think just turn it back around on their behaviour and say 'do you know how rude it is to not respect someones no and to keep trying to badger them into doing something? You are grown adults, you should be able to respect peoples boundaries. It is not ok to try to make people feel uncomfortable or awkward about something like this'

You are very reasonable OP. The time with your DD is important and drive time can be a good time to unpack things that might not be discussed otherwise.

I did once give someone from a group a lift who had a disability, but different situation. It helped her without costing me anything other than a little extra time.

I would also love to just "not drive", not have the inconvenience and expense of servicing my car, putting petrol in it, worrying about the bill when something goes wrong.

I'd love to not feel stressed every time I'm sitting in traffic and getting shoulder pain from steering on long journeys.

But I do drive, because I have to for kids / work. There is no way that I am inconveniencing myself for some CF I don't even like, who wants to enjoy for free what I pay a lot of time / emotional stress for.

If they can't get a bus they can get a taxi. I hate people who ask for lifts. You should be offered one only. But at the very least accept when people say no.

I would turn it round on her and say, we never offered you a lift, you were rude to ask abd even ruder for continuing to bring it up. Maybe one of these other people would be happy to give you a lift instead?

At this point why should they do her any favours?

Years ago, my friend did this. I got her the (thankfully temporary) job at my new workplace & she roped a very lovely colleague into picking her up. Half the time didn't turn up at the meet point or even bother to call her lift that she wasn't coming.

What pissed me off was colleague came and had a go at me about it. I told her to just stop picking her up. Thankfully the job only lasted a couple of months. If friend hadn't stuffed around bosses would have given her a permanent, plumb role in our department, like I had been offered. Bosses asked me if they should offer her a role. I said no, she's unreliable. So, Karma.

Ugh. I feel your pain. I had a very similar situation when I was doing a course. Someone I found very difficult to be around who thought I could drive her to and from because we lived close by. It was a good fifteen minute detour in peak traffic to her place and the trip already took almost an hour. I made up a story that I went to class from somewhere else and had to pick my son up afterwards. The person ended up withdrawing from the course and joining a different one which she could do online.

Say “Why would I offer a lift to someone I don’t know, who gossips about my behind my back and tries to get all of you to bully me into doing what she wants?”

Signed up with the intention of immediately bringing up where everyone lives in conversation, to sniff out who can then be asked to bring them along thereafter. Had no real intention of getting public transport.

Why?
She doesn't like this woman?

This is just more women expected to be helpers /rescuers....

Needless to say, I've been drawn into this dynamic where been 'volunteered' for lifts out of my way /massively inconvenient times (devils avocado will help... It's practically in her way home /way here.... It wasn't... It was a 20 min detour so it meant I had an extra 40 mins on my journey for someone I didn't like...)

I was absolutely also going to suggest this approach op.

You didn’t even need to justify yourself to her about why you couldn’t give her a lift. A simple ‘that doesn’t work for us’ would have sufficed.

Is the hobby something that has a teacher or company that runs it? If so i would make them aware of what is going on tbh if it’s making you want to leave.

First of all, you have a LOT of serious busybodies in your group. One option is to simply ignore them. The irony is that their behaviour makes it much less likely that this woman will get a lift from you, for example if your circumstances changed. My guess is that they don't care about her, they just want drama. I would also appeal to the group leader if there is one if this is really bothering you; there's a good chance they don't condone bullying.

You could also try nattering loudly with your daughter - every time someone else brings up the subject, that is it unbelievably mean that (insert name of one of the gossipers here) isn't driving (original ride requestor) to and from the meetings - after all, YOU would do so in a heartbeat if you only could!!

Or offer to take her the next time the group meets and instead of getting in the car, escort her onto the bus and show her how to ride it.

I would have been inclined to agree with you, but as the other members are chiming in and she is talking to them about it, am afraid that would make me dig my heels in.

if the other person isn’t gracious about respecting boundaries, then their mean girl emotional blackmail tactics shouldn’t be allowed to work.

Yanbu at all. You aren't a taxi service and offering a lift to someone limits you in all sorts of ways - ties you to specific plans and stops you from planning to combine your journey with an extra stop or diversion on the way there or back as well as stopping you from having the comversariobs you like during the journey.

"If you want Jane to have a free taxi service feel free to offer it yourself. It would be inconvenient for us to do it and would spoil the rest of our plans and we are sick of nasty comments about this"

Then you definitely need to apply the first posters tactic. Ask why no one else is offering. It's inconvenient for all of you, why should you take the fall.

It sounds like a group activity so why not just respond with, I’m not able to but I’m sure one of the others will be more than happy to, then just name people. X - you can pick her up can’t you?
Put the spotlight on someone else.

De-railing the thread a bit here, but this has brought back memories of when the complete opposite happened to me! My son had a hobby we both loved to cycle to, along the riverbank. And one of the men at the hobby cottoned on to this and suddenly became insistent that he give us a lift every week! We didn't want one!! But he wouldn't take no for an answer! I had to be very firm, his wife was also there and I could see how embarrassed she was! I think he had some kind of white knight syndrome! 😬

I am disabled and hate people pulling the disabled card. It’s not on she’s used it to garner both lifts and sympathy.
When she joined this group she factored in the bus journey. She’s got enough energy to cause trouble.
I am not sure what type of hobby it is but she must have weighed up her ability to do
it, and decided she could.
Maybe if she was nicer company over time you might have offered. That’s how it could have gone. But no. She’s done the opposite.