People expecting lifts

[DanceUnderStars]

I do a hobby once a week with my daughter that we have to drive about 40 minutes to get to. My daughter lives with me and we share the driving.

A new woman has joined the group about 3 months ago, who it turns out lives a 5 minutes drive from us, on our route to the hobby. She doesn’t drive and gets the bus to the group.

She has now found out she lives near us and has asked if we can give her a lift. Neither of us want to do it as we don’t really like this woman and we also like having the time to have a good chat and catch up on the journey. Although we live together, with my husband and son as well, we are both busy so it’s nice to have that time each week to talk. We also occassionally don’t go straight to or home after the hobby, but most of the time we do.

We have said no but are now getting some comments from other members of the group that it’s a shame we won’t help her. I have shut them down and changed the subject but people keep suggesting we should help her and we are being unreasonable. She started the group knowing she’d have to use public transport so I don’t really have much sympathy, I’m pissed off with the comments. Last week when we walked in, a group including this woman were talking about the possibility of us giving her a lift with one woman saying she doesn’t see why we won’t. It’s really awkward.

How would you handle it? We have said no, explained we like to use it as a catch up, we don’t always go straight to and from the hobby, but they’re still going on about it.

Completely agree that there is nothing the CF/bullywould like better than to see this drama escalate and know she has got to the OP. People like this have v small lives and love the power trip.

Personally, I would feel extremely awkward for the whole trip if I knew that the people driving me there had been bullied into doing it and really didn't want to, especially when it was clear that my presence was ruining their precious family time; but I suppose, if you're somebody with such a bullish sense of self-entitlement, coupled with an astonishing lack of self-awareness, it probably wouldn't even come on to your radar. You've got what you wanted, so it's all good and there are no downsides at all.

Except they are (at least by my definition) self aware.
They know what they are doing.
They know why they are doing it.
They can choose not to do it.
They can adjust their behaviour to achieve their desired result.
They feel like they "won" and are in control.

It’s a much easier decision if the lady is horrid. I wonder what OP would have done if it had been a lovely person who hadn’t asked for a lift but lived en route?

Given she values her time with her DD and a lovely person wouldn’t take a mile if given an inch, I would expect something like “here’s my number, do drop me a text if the bus is cancelled” or “oh, Jackie, it’s pissing down, shall we drop you home rather than you waiting in the rain for 10 mins?”

honestly I am astounded that people are astounded. Loads of people on here have got CF stories and among those are quite a few where the "CF" is not just a chancer but someone who has made it a lifestyle choice. its kind of s self protection awareness thing for me. I would absolutely NOT say never do a favour for anyone, suspect everyone but I would say that at the other end, people who are open to be manipulated and are generally naive are putting themselves at risk and not just from online scammers.

irrelevant. Committing to give a "lovely" person a regular lift in the same way is still putting that person ahead of her family relationship.

Why are people always so keen to volunteer other people, see it all the time on our towns FB group.

We all do love a cf thread though! And secretly I wish there were more scammers as I’ve run out of Netflix documentaries 😁 Not evil ones, but more Tinder Swindler types please! Maybe there’s an opening for a Lift CF documentary…

Same with MN threads about tax. Everyone wants higher taxes, but not for them, for "other" people. It's hypocracy and virtue signalling nonsense.

Like the Greens who were all about welcoming illegal immigrants until the proposal to house them near them…

‘There are reasons that I can’t give this person a lift. I’m a very private person and don’t want to discuss all of the reasons but please just believe me when I say I can’t do it. After the way I’ve been made to feel by you all, don’t you think I would if I could?’

You could have any number of private reasons for not wanting to give this lift that are absolutely none of their business!

No, you're right - I chose the wrong word. Maybe 'apparent lack of self-awareness' would have been better - all as part of their playbook.

I have been in a very similar situation. An older lady who attended the same activity as me who was fiercly independent and usually took a mini cab to the venue. I helped her in that I used to sit with her after the activity to make sure the mini cab company came and on a few occasion I had to call the company for her as they didn't know where to pick her up etc. No problems at all

Somehow the others thought that me and this lady had some sort of special relationship and when she announced that she wouldn't attend in the winter as it was too dark and dangerous for her (very sensible), the others piped up that we should perhaps start a pickup and drop off rota for her. Totally looking pointedly at me. I told her straight that yes if you think that, please go ahead and organise it. Never happened of course.

Well, Daisy May Cooper - who I understand is a keen MNer - did just that with AIBU; so yes please!!

In fact, for all we know, YOU could be DMC and sounding us out right now for ideas for your next TV hit

Ah! because it makes them look noble and virtuous and kind without having to lift a finger. It’s an easy way to polish a turd and make yourself look good without a jot of effort.

It’s all a sham and it’s all for show. It’s all social posturing and “look how selfless and giving I am!” But they don’t have to put themselves out at all - some posters on this very thread have given OP a hard time and yet when asked if they would like to help this woman themselves by donating taxi fare they’ve mysteriously disappeared 🤣

People who do genuinely help others don’t need to brag and boast about it online - they just get on with it and help people because it’s in their nature. Also they certainly wouldn’t be bullying or harassing someone to help when they’ve already said no, sorry, it’s not convenient. Notice how they all go quiet when its suggested they could help out!

.

To much faff. Honestly the best way is to be brief and clear. Never apologise, never explain.

Absolutely plus they have a very high tolerance for conflict

@notanothernamesurely
Thats far too much
Weakening your boundaries isnt just saying yes when you really want to say no
Its also JADE ( see above)

Just No and then Im not discussing, I said No

Edit
characters like CF scan for people with weak boundaries, they test first
People with weak boundaries view others behaviour as their fault ( say no, screaming, crying etc)
When on fact we all choose our own behaviors, dont adjust yours to keep others happy
Nope and walk away, never carry on explaining
Please look up The Shark Cage
Its very helpful

Because you can give yourself a congratulatory pat on the back without putting any effort in yourself.

very impressed with you talking about the rota and seeing them 'not be kind' cos of whatever excuses. they don't want to attach themselves to this leech either

So your narcissistic mother is the reason you ended up marrying a narcissistic man who went on to carry on abusing you just like your mother did! I did exactly the same sort from it was my dad who was the narcissist but now I’m in my 50’s and free of narcissists and husbands I don’t take shit from anyone 😂 women’s aid have massively helped - highly recommend going on the courses and meeting others in the same boat

Yeah fuck off with this ‘be kind’. The way girls are conditioned drives me mad, even down to the messaging on clothes so DD is encouraged to wear extra small adult woman’s clothes that she are just stylish as opposed to anything else. As it goes she just wants to plough her own furrow. In her mind she’s already said inheritance is to help the charity she’s gonna set up (the family set up is that this is no presumption… it’s just the reality) and no partner or kids will limit her. Good for her. And I am still happily married to her father.

and its OTHER WOMEN doing the conditioning

@godmum56 yup… and all these people who tell you what ‘they’ would do. It’s bollocks.