People expecting lifts

[DanceUnderStars]

I do a hobby once a week with my daughter that we have to drive about 40 minutes to get to. My daughter lives with me and we share the driving.

A new woman has joined the group about 3 months ago, who it turns out lives a 5 minutes drive from us, on our route to the hobby. She doesn’t drive and gets the bus to the group.

She has now found out she lives near us and has asked if we can give her a lift. Neither of us want to do it as we don’t really like this woman and we also like having the time to have a good chat and catch up on the journey. Although we live together, with my husband and son as well, we are both busy so it’s nice to have that time each week to talk. We also occassionally don’t go straight to or home after the hobby, but most of the time we do.

We have said no but are now getting some comments from other members of the group that it’s a shame we won’t help her. I have shut them down and changed the subject but people keep suggesting we should help her and we are being unreasonable. She started the group knowing she’d have to use public transport so I don’t really have much sympathy, I’m pissed off with the comments. Last week when we walked in, a group including this woman were talking about the possibility of us giving her a lift with one woman saying she doesn’t see why we won’t. It’s really awkward.

How would you handle it? We have said no, explained we like to use it as a catch up, we don’t always go straight to and from the hobby, but they’re still going on about it.

OP I have a similar situation. Right down to the disability thing. And it’s shite 🤣 Last week I was unable to take them and they knew as soon as I arrived, they saw I had extra passengers , so they went straight on the phone to their partner to tell them to collect them. 🤦‍♀️ She had all the intentions of asking me to take them home. I’ve also went shopping straight after and that didn’t work, she insisted on coming with me first.

Why did you tell her where you live.

'My daughter and I enjoy going to a local strip club/drug den/cinema/whatever after the class so no, we can't take Jackie home. You though Barbara, I'm sure YOU could drive her'

Either ignore them at this point, or say "well, if you're so eager for Marie to get a lift to hobby activity, you're more than welcome to offer her a lift yourself. I've already said I can't commit to giving her, or anybody else a lift".

You don't need an excuse, they're being rude.

But it's supposed to be a fun hobby so I'd do something to try to keep the peace, explain that i rarely go straight there or straight home but say do let me know if you're ever very stuck (bank holidays?) and I'll see if I can change my plans to help you..

If you have the balls do this 💯

I know how you feel, OP. Some people who are after lifts are absolutely ruthless and entitled. Similar happened to me when I joined a group, except I had 3 of them expecting me to wait for them, ferry them home and collect them.

It really pissed me off, so I left the group. Maybe I shouldn't have left, but they were absolutely brazen, as if it was their right to get a lift with me every session.

If it's 40 minutes to drive there, door to door - and presumably another 40 minutes back - then it must take a lot longer co-ordinating and doing the journey on public transport... every week for a hobby.

It sounds to me like she had unrealistic expectations of what she could easily achieve without being a driver. Of course, if she's happy with doing it all on PT, then all good; but it certainly doesn't sound like she is.

I agree with you, though. As mean as it may sound on the surface, it isn't. It's definitely one of those 'could you just...?' scenarios where the 'just' does an immense amount of heavy lifting. 40 minutes each way with your DD is precious family time for you both, and you very reasonably don't want to lose that.

Why should you have to pay for the convenience of private transport but then still end up with effectively public transport for your trouble? In fact, if you take the bus, at least somebody else does the driving for you!!

Is she even proposing to pay you a third of your fuel/other costs for the journeys, or is it 'you're going there anyway', so you can have that one yourselves?!

It's staggering how keen people are to volunteer others!

You shouldn't even have to explain your reasons for saying no - a simple "I'm afraid that's not possible" should suffice, followed up with a steely look if they persist

How would you handle it?

Just ignore it? I mean, what else would you do.

I would loudly say to them all if they were nagging that I DON'T WANT TO

Me neither!

Say “yes of course, but let’s sort petrol
money up front” . You probably won’t see her for dist
and if she does cough up for petrol )unlikely) make sure you have a lot of little jobs to do on the way to or from , or be exceptionally erratic with pick up times. Especially if the weather is pants

Isn't there a phrase of "never explain" or something like that. It's enough to say that it's inconvenient to give lifts, full stop.

This! A friend has form for this.
Don’t give reasons because they v well always try to counter.
‘Sorry can’t’ and change the subject.

I’d try to make her decide she doesn’t want a lift with you, that it’s her decision. That should get rid of her and silence the posse.
Assuming she’ll sit in the back of the car, almost fill it with bulky black bin liners leaving her little room. Oh, dear you forgot to drop them off somewhere before hobby day!
Turn up too early or too late then delay leaving by 30 minutes by having extended conversations and answering fake phone calls.
With one CF I told her I wasn’t going then ‘changed my mind’.
Mess her around till she gives up.

Oh God I hate regular lift sharing. It's that extra co-ordination message and back and forth. Then it becomes "I'm running a bit late, can you stop by 10 mins later?" Etc etc. It's a hassle you can do without on a regular basis. Plus having someone you don't really like stuck in your car for forty minutes a week. No thank you!

You and DD should be free to enjoy your hobby together without this woman inserting herself.

Just do the black bin liner thing anyway - 'Look, no space'.

Why on earth did she choose this group if it was going to be so difficult for her to get to?

‘Look no space’ still indicates your obvious unwillingness.
I think the best bet is to make her unwilling to have a lift with you. She can’t complain to others if she makes the decision.
You could put the radio on really loudly, sing tunelessly while matching the volume. Make sure it’s something she won’t like. Vulgar rap…? You and DD could have fun with this.
Or reeeaaally strong perfume with all windows closed.

Simple response:

Daughter and I are planning to quit said hobby. How will the CF get to and from activity then?

Cue the silence.

Then proceed not to quit hobby and leave everyone to it!

Engaging with others just adds fuel to their misplaced fire - don't feed their fire.

She shouldn’t have signed up to the hobby if she can’t get there.

Thank you all. It’s such an awkward situation. We just want to be able to enjoy the group and go home without any of this.

We have said no and explained why it doesn’t work for us but they’re just not listening. It is tomorrow evening so if they say anything I’m going to have to say it not so nicely. If they continue after that or it’s still feels awkward, my daughter and I have decided to stop going and we’ll find something else.

A simple ‘ as Ive already said it doesn’t didn’t work for us (no reason) and then you could add a perhaps you can take Josie as you’re so keen to help?

I had this situation, also with a person with mobility issues. They told me I needed to drop them right at the door each time and gave me very precise instructions on how to reverse my large car down their tiny twisty driveway and to call them when I was outside. Final straw was when I scraped my car on her wall and she was clearly irritated. Had to fake a couple of weeks of car problems for them to stop asking.