People expecting lifts

[DanceUnderStars]

I do a hobby once a week with my daughter that we have to drive about 40 minutes to get to. My daughter lives with me and we share the driving.

A new woman has joined the group about 3 months ago, who it turns out lives a 5 minutes drive from us, on our route to the hobby. She doesn’t drive and gets the bus to the group.

She has now found out she lives near us and has asked if we can give her a lift. Neither of us want to do it as we don’t really like this woman and we also like having the time to have a good chat and catch up on the journey. Although we live together, with my husband and son as well, we are both busy so it’s nice to have that time each week to talk. We also occassionally don’t go straight to or home after the hobby, but most of the time we do.

We have said no but are now getting some comments from other members of the group that it’s a shame we won’t help her. I have shut them down and changed the subject but people keep suggesting we should help her and we are being unreasonable. She started the group knowing she’d have to use public transport so I don’t really have much sympathy, I’m pissed off with the comments. Last week when we walked in, a group including this woman were talking about the possibility of us giving her a lift with one woman saying she doesn’t see why we won’t. It’s really awkward.

How would you handle it? We have said no, explained we like to use it as a catch up, we don’t always go straight to and from the hobby, but they’re still going on about it.

I had this.
I started a new job and a woman was bloody awful and rude - until she found out she lived at the end of my road. When she assumed I would give her a lift I said no 🙈🤣

Well done for standing firm, OP.

Giving a lift will change the whole dynamic for you and your dd. You will need to make polite conversation instead of having 121 time with your dd.

I bet if you were a man they wouldn’t insist so much.

God, the appropriation of women’s time on this thread! Who has the headspace to remember it’s the first Sunday of the month?!

And when you agree to one lift, it’s hard to argue you can’t do it every week.

Change your user name to Driveunderstars and buy a Mazda MX or other two seater convertible.

I feel stressed on your behalf OP! Stick to your guns and don’t stand for any of their nonsense. Your choices are no one else’s business. I agree with the ‘grey rock’ approach. Just smile, carry on and it will eventually resolve itself. I always think that if asked, the ‘it doesn’t work for us/me’ response in a powerful one. If anyone is rude enough to ask why not I would simply respond with ‘I shouldn’t have to explain my personal circumstances, I’ve already said it doesn’t work for us and that should be sufficient’. Why should you and your daughter feel you have to give up something you love doing just because others are having opinions on a matter that has nothing to do with them.

You’ve been honest so far and I think I’d go a step further in honesty.

If it comes up tonight, I think I’d respond with how the subject is making me feel (because you can’t argue with how you feel) eg pressured, upset, guilty, unsupported and perhaps follow up with saying out loud what’s on my mind “it’s made this hobby group feel uncomfortable to the point I think I’ll need to stop coming.”

Dunno. Maybe something good will happen after that or if it’s negative then it’s just a compounding reason to find a new group.

what on earth is the hobby??

If anyone else raises the issue, say (very loudly): "oh that is so lovely of you to be offering Jane a lift. I'm glad a solution has been found". If they say they didn't, look confused and say you assumed that's what they meant because they surely wouldn't criticise you if unwilling to give a lift themselves.

You’re too nice, OP.

Like a PP, I’m wondering what the hobby is, and could you do it with a different group?

No is a complete sentence.

I had a similar situation once. Why should you have to justify your choices to other randoms?

Yes, what you were asked to do was inconvenient. But this doesn't sound like a big ask at all. If the other woman is ready when OP and DD leave, she could get in the back of the car, and get out when they pass the end of her road. If she isn't ready they leave without her. They would have the journey to the venue on their own as usual.
And OP and DD live together, it cant be that difficult to find any other time for a chat. So I can see why the others at the hobby are a bit shocked that they won't help. Of course they don't have to, and they have been clear that they won't, so that's the end of it, but other people may continue to comment.

That would make you a wanker though. We all do stuff we don’t enjoy because sometimes it’s the right thing.

I understand the woman signed up knowing she’d be taking the bus but that doesn’t mean it’s a great option. I also get you don’t want to be obligated to some random when you enjoy your car journeys with your DD

Personally though I’d say you can give her lift home rather than both ways.
I think it’s ok to refuse as well but you have to accept that people will feel you’re being self centred. That also applies if you were both men not giving another man a lift too.

You poor thing op I hate stuff like this. You are doing no wrong and wanting your own time and not to have to shepard others around is totally your right and it is horrible you are being forced into explaining yourself when you should not have to. Some people never see past their own wants and needs.

I would find this extremely annoying. Next time announce to the group that you really want to help and know they all want to and have found a way to make it work. A rota! There's x people in the group so you will each only do it x times a year rather than expecting one person to go completely out of their way every week. Who would like to go first? That will shut them up!

It's tantamount to bullying (definitely harassment as they've not taken no for an answer and are still going on about it), @DanceUnderStars and the hobby people doing it should be ashamed of themselves. They won't, though. It plays to their sense of being helpful and caring without having to do anything concrete about it.
If the hobby is part of any national organisation, I would be letting their head office know - it's likely against some membership code and needs to be jumped on from a great height and stopped.
To deal with it tomorrow night:
I'm going to borrow a phrase from another thread and offer it to you...
'There we are then.'
I would use it e.g.
"Giving a lift doesn't work for us. There we are then."
"We've explained last week. We can't give a lift. There we are then."
Good luck - in my experience these people are relentless in pushing an agenda that makes them look good without having to make any effort themselves.

So the op has to change her routine and her life choices to accommodate a woman they barely know and do not like just ye know, because it is the nice thing to do? This place gets stranger every day. We all now just have to bend over backwards for others who sure as shit wouldnt do it for us even if they could. Madness.

A one way street is not a community. It's entitlement. Community MIGHT be ALL members taking a turn to give a lift on a rota with no person providing a second lift until all have done their first lift. No excuses.

I grew in a place/ time when only few people had cars and car sharing was such a non issue. Now we all know there’s too many cars on the road and we are messing up the planet but we have ‘evolved’ so quickly and couldn’t possibly bear one passenger sitting in the back.
I don’t mean op personally here but reading all comments makes me wonder about people’s attitudes nowadays and how is that individualism vs community affecting our society.

Nope. Bullying someone and getting others to bully them too because someone isnt doing exactly what you want them to do makes you a wanker.

Labelling people who simply make different choices to you "wankers" is pretty gross

This.
perhaps they can all club together and get her a taxi seeing as they are al so kind.

I said nothing of the sort. I said it wasn't a big ask and that those who commented at the time were understandably a bit shocked that OP refused.
I also said that OP's refusal was final. She won't do it, and other people in the group who commented will probably forget about it soon.

A people pleaser has joined the chat.
You don't have to make other people's lives easier/ save them/ put yourselves out.The ' oh but you don't know what's going on in their lives' stuff is just a way to manipulate women.

If they try and argue it again, I’d say “if you’re that concerned, maybe you could give her a lift yourself. I’ve explained why we can’t do it and I won’t be discussing it any further.

Manipulating women am I? This thread has gone bonkers. I'm off, and I don't want a lift.

She has a nerve to ask, you have said no leave it at that. If the others in the group are so concerned about it there is nothing stopping them picking her up and dropping her off.