Upset, hurt, furious?

[CoolaSchmoola]

This is long, sorry.

DP is from a different country (but lives here), and when we met his parents were very much against our relationship because of, in no particular order: race, religion, being married before, having a child, not being "arranged" yada yada.

The first time I went to their country with DP to meet them, they were very nice to me over dinner, and then afterwards called DP and said no, they don't approve and listed the reasons why, rescinded all further invitations during the trip, and I didn't see them again that time. They judged me purely based on what I was, not who I was.

This was incredibly hard to get past, but six months later they waved an olive branch, and I decided to give them grace - it's hard to see your plans and dreams for your child turn out nothing like you hoped. I get it.

Five years on we (DP, DD and I) have stayed with them, holidayed with them etc. They spent Christmas with us here, and we went there again recently.

DD is a teenager. She's at a very shy, awkward, hormonal, occasionally vile (to me), stage, she has some health issues which cause fatigue, and there are also suspicions that she may be neurodiverse (ex and I both are). She very much struggles with change, food, and people she doesn't know well.

I'd had conversations with them about how she is awkward and shy etc, and they'd made all the right noises. DPs dad even said, "I don't push her to talk, I know she is shy."

During a disagreement today (isn't it always?) DP told me that before we left, his parents had said to him, "Try not to bring her (dd) here next time." and had asked why she had ignored them when they were speaking to her and said that she had an attitude the whole time.

She doesn't hear well, and doesn't always understand the accent, she also zones out a little when she's uncomfortable. I did nudge her to bring her back, and when she did speak to them she was always very polite. Any attitude (she's 14) was directed solely at me, and it got addressed and dealt with quickly every time. I work with teenagers and I don't take any crap, and her behaviour isn't unusual for her age and stage. School sing her praises for attitude, behaviour, manners etc. She's a good kid, but she's also 14.

In short, my very socially awkward teenager was a very socially awkward teenager and needed checking for her attitude to me a couple of times, but she was never rude to them.

I'm devastated. I know dd didn't enjoy it because she felt very out of place - she's 14, but as I've said, they seemed to understand, and having seen the behaviour of other teens in the wider family she's no better or worse than them.

I plan to message them. Too upset to call, and I'm going for a one and done. DP has asked me not to do it until tomorrow which I've agreed to, I think he's hoping I'll calm down.

I'm not going to.

The comments about her not interacting and her attitude to me are fair enough, but it's the "Try to not bring her here next time." that has broken me.

We were going back later in the year, and dd had already said she would rather not, so was staying with her dad, but to hear they don't want her there after being so understanding to my face, telling us we're welcome any time and actually saying to her "come alone if you would like!" It feels like a massive punch to the gut.

I gave them another chance many wouldn't after the first time, and now I feel like I just opened myself up for more.

She obviously won't be made aware of this, but after taking the first time on the chin I'll be damned if I pretend this hasn't been said.

DP is saying he isn't worried about me saying something, but he is. His family dynamics are not my problem - he chose to tell me something I didn't need to know, knowing just how awful the first time was for me, so he chose the consequences. After some pushing he said he didn't think they meant it. They can tell me that themselves if so.

I don't know if they realise that I'm the one who pushes him to call. I'm the one who pushes him to visit. I'm the one who invited them to our home (my house) and made them welcome, as did my family. I even invited them on our next holiday. Me, not DP. They will see him less now, because I won't go where my dd is not wanted, whether she was coming or not.

I'm so upset. At them, at him for telling me, and at myself for welcoming them after the first time.

DP seems resigned to the fact that I'm going to contact them, but I'm furious that I'm in this position AGAIN.

I said to him earlier, "You must have known that this would destroy my relationship with your parents. You also knew after last time when I gave them a chance, I wouldn't give them a second." He had no answer when asked why he told me.

I'm also pissed that he didn't shut them down and say we're a family.

I'm not one of those parents who can't see their child's behaviour, if anything I'm on the cusp of too strict, but I'm also aware she's 14, and 14 is hard. She's having therapy because it is.

I don't know why I'm posting. Validation?

Im not getting bogged down in anything. What you suggested wasn’t breezy. It wouldn’t calm the situation, it would just add petrol.

Breezy would be “is your daughter coming?”, “No. She’s got plans with friends. She said to say hello though”

During a disagreement today (isn't it always?) DP told me that before we left, his parents had said to him, "Try not to bring her (dd) here next time." and had asked why she had ignored them when they were speaking to her and said that she had an attitude the whole time.

but DID THEY THOUGH? My ex would regularly tell me that people hated this or that about me, that they said x or y about me… BUT

… and I can’t stress this enough

IT WAS ALL BOLLOCKS!

it could be HIS embarrassment that your kid behaves “badly”, that HE wants her to be “normal” when she’s not. That her being rude to you is a shame on both of you.

he said this stuff to hurt you, depending on where he’s from, it’s a classic tactic to put you on the back foot.

hes using an otherwise poor introduction 5tears ago, into a weapon to use against you now

so you’re not married, hes not from here but lives with you in your house. You’re potentially living with someone you don’t really know, you’re vulnerable and he could be with you for what he can get out of you.

life is too short to be made to feel less than. This is multiplied by a factor of a thousand for your DD. He isn’t good enough for you, and he comes with a shitty family who look down on you.

you could do better, your DD deserves better too

So horrible for you. People can be cruel and thoughtless. Just remember your good intent.

1. People say mean shit in an argument. Point scoring, own goals, stuff they do not mean to lash out or "win."
2. Your teen does not want to go again. They have given her an out. This is a good thing in actual fact as it means her absence can never ever be held against her from this day forward.
3. Do you want to go later in the year (or ever again). This part is crucial. If you don't and were only ever being polite/dutiful partner /DIL then you too, now have an out. 🥳

If, however, it is usually okay when you are there and you actually wanted to go, then you zip it and say nothing. Put the mother tiger claws away until properly needed, on home turf. Why?
Because they probably did not mean it, are old/traditional, were venting/never meant for you to hear and it is a DH problem. That, and you may be playing into their hands anyway.

If you were not looking forward to a return visit, put up with them, cannot do fake nice for a week and/or accept them for who they are, then yes, send the text and go NC. Your call. You could go out there and pretend DD has not gone because that was their preference but done with a gracious smile, in other words, motherfucking guilt them/kill them with kindness. Or you could simply take the higher ground.