Upset, hurt, furious?

[CoolaSchmoola]

This is long, sorry.

DP is from a different country (but lives here), and when we met his parents were very much against our relationship because of, in no particular order: race, religion, being married before, having a child, not being "arranged" yada yada.

The first time I went to their country with DP to meet them, they were very nice to me over dinner, and then afterwards called DP and said no, they don't approve and listed the reasons why, rescinded all further invitations during the trip, and I didn't see them again that time. They judged me purely based on what I was, not who I was.

This was incredibly hard to get past, but six months later they waved an olive branch, and I decided to give them grace - it's hard to see your plans and dreams for your child turn out nothing like you hoped. I get it.

Five years on we (DP, DD and I) have stayed with them, holidayed with them etc. They spent Christmas with us here, and we went there again recently.

DD is a teenager. She's at a very shy, awkward, hormonal, occasionally vile (to me), stage, she has some health issues which cause fatigue, and there are also suspicions that she may be neurodiverse (ex and I both are). She very much struggles with change, food, and people she doesn't know well.

I'd had conversations with them about how she is awkward and shy etc, and they'd made all the right noises. DPs dad even said, "I don't push her to talk, I know she is shy."

During a disagreement today (isn't it always?) DP told me that before we left, his parents had said to him, "Try not to bring her (dd) here next time." and had asked why she had ignored them when they were speaking to her and said that she had an attitude the whole time.

She doesn't hear well, and doesn't always understand the accent, she also zones out a little when she's uncomfortable. I did nudge her to bring her back, and when she did speak to them she was always very polite. Any attitude (she's 14) was directed solely at me, and it got addressed and dealt with quickly every time. I work with teenagers and I don't take any crap, and her behaviour isn't unusual for her age and stage. School sing her praises for attitude, behaviour, manners etc. She's a good kid, but she's also 14.

In short, my very socially awkward teenager was a very socially awkward teenager and needed checking for her attitude to me a couple of times, but she was never rude to them.

I'm devastated. I know dd didn't enjoy it because she felt very out of place - she's 14, but as I've said, they seemed to understand, and having seen the behaviour of other teens in the wider family she's no better or worse than them.

I plan to message them. Too upset to call, and I'm going for a one and done. DP has asked me not to do it until tomorrow which I've agreed to, I think he's hoping I'll calm down.

I'm not going to.

The comments about her not interacting and her attitude to me are fair enough, but it's the "Try to not bring her here next time." that has broken me.

We were going back later in the year, and dd had already said she would rather not, so was staying with her dad, but to hear they don't want her there after being so understanding to my face, telling us we're welcome any time and actually saying to her "come alone if you would like!" It feels like a massive punch to the gut.

I gave them another chance many wouldn't after the first time, and now I feel like I just opened myself up for more.

She obviously won't be made aware of this, but after taking the first time on the chin I'll be damned if I pretend this hasn't been said.

DP is saying he isn't worried about me saying something, but he is. His family dynamics are not my problem - he chose to tell me something I didn't need to know, knowing just how awful the first time was for me, so he chose the consequences. After some pushing he said he didn't think they meant it. They can tell me that themselves if so.

I don't know if they realise that I'm the one who pushes him to call. I'm the one who pushes him to visit. I'm the one who invited them to our home (my house) and made them welcome, as did my family. I even invited them on our next holiday. Me, not DP. They will see him less now, because I won't go where my dd is not wanted, whether she was coming or not.

I'm so upset. At them, at him for telling me, and at myself for welcoming them after the first time.

DP seems resigned to the fact that I'm going to contact them, but I'm furious that I'm in this position AGAIN.

I said to him earlier, "You must have known that this would destroy my relationship with your parents. You also knew after last time when I gave them a chance, I wouldn't give them a second." He had no answer when asked why he told me.

I'm also pissed that he didn't shut them down and say we're a family.

I'm not one of those parents who can't see their child's behaviour, if anything I'm on the cusp of too strict, but I'm also aware she's 14, and 14 is hard. She's having therapy because it is.

I don't know why I'm posting. Validation?

Exactly. Don't give them ammunition against you and your dd. They will just say your daughter gets her behaviour from you. Get on with your lives, let dh jeep them on his side of the street and be grateful they don't live in the same town as you.

Why would you want to have anything to do with these racist, ableist people? Your daughter doesn't want to see them so it's no skin off her nose not to visit. I wouldn't bother contacting them, leave it to your DP to explain.

Just leave it. My DD has always turned down dinners, hang outs etc with DP’s family so eventually I just stopped inviting. She’s only been to 2 family funerals - at DP’s request - and behaved very poorly, it would have been better to not make her attend.

At the end of the day, they’re not her family and you’re forcing a connection that no one wants. Just don’t.

I’d also stop prompting DP to contact his parents, that’s not your problem.

Sounds to me like they are trying hard to be polite and welcoming to you and your DD, but they don't really accept you. They're doing it for their DS.

He told you, I presume, to hurt you. Otherwise why say it? They didn't say it to you, they're talking privately to their DS. I'm sure they didn't expect him to tell you.

Honestly, you shouldn't be pushing his relationship with his family. Be supportive of course, but why are you pushing him to phone and visit? Back off there. Leave them to it.

I personally wouldn't visit again. While they are polite and welcoming, they are putting up with your for their DS sake, and that's a shit position to be in. I hope this man has lots of redeeming qualities to make up for all this.

Well that would be breezy, wouldn't it? Otherwise it would be plain old Aggressive Aggressive.

And how do you know that the people you have bitched about behind their backs to your partner, don’t know that you meant it? Seems a bit double standardy.

"Yours In A Huff,
Outraged of Tunbridge Wells" 😂

OP, just let it go. They didn't like your sulky teen, who isn't related to them.

That's ok, I had three sulky teens and I frequently didn't like them, despite being their mother and loving them deeply. 14 years olds not enjoying themselves just aren't nice to be around. They grow out of it.

There is no reason to say anything about it. They don't want your daughter to visit, which works beautifully because your daughter doesn't want to go anyway.

Win - win!

Drop the rope, leaving your partner to manage any contact from now on. They've just made life easier for you.

At the end of the day, they’re not her family and you’re forcing a connection that no one wants

Basically that. You tried, it didn't work. Your DD knows that and your 'inlaws' know that.

There's little difference, if any, between your DD telling you that she doesn't want to go back, and your PILs telling your DP that they don't particularly want her back. But you're only blaming the PILs for feeling that way, and not your DD

But they realised their error, worked on building the relationship, and now like her.

At least acknowledge that.

Time to drop the rope, you did your best and it still wasn't enough for them. Let your partner go alone in future.

You've based all this on hear say. They did not say that your DD was not welcome to your face,
Perhaps they meant well. Perhaps they saw that it was hard for DD and that, for her sake, it might be nicer that she didn't have to come and pretend so hard.

I think that interpretation is true.

Your DP was mean during an argument.
He hit below the belt and caused you angst. He needs to take a lesson in respect.
Why did he tell you? He should have dealt with it.

He let you down by passing on gossip, and by not protecting your DD from any ambiguous suggestions,
"No, we are one family unit and DD will visit with us again if that is what she wants, Dad. She will grow more mature and learn your household customs."

During a disagreement today (isn't it always?) DP told me that before we left, his parents had said to him, "Try not to bring her (dd) here next time." and had asked why she had ignored them when they were speaking to her and said that she had an attitude the whole time.

Unless her DP is lying to her, I'd say it's pretty obvious that she's not especially welcome there again, whether they said it to the OP's face or not.

If they'd meant well they'd have phrased it entirely differently.

After some pushing he said he didn't think they meant it.

So why did he tell you what they said @CoolaSchmoola ? Has he explained himself yet? If he didn't think they meant it, then that makes telling you even worse.

This reads like AI.

Two things can be true at the same time OP. Yes you might have come a long way and made progress, but your daughter doesn't want to go there/be there, and they don't particularly want her there. Making progress doesn't mean that everything is perfect. As dd gets older, things will probably improve between them, but she isn't related to them and apart from being polite, they don't really owe her anything and vice versa. You and DP picked each other, your families didn't.

I think I would probably not go and suggest your husband goes alone. You can tell your in laws that you don't want to visit somewhere where your child isn't welcome
How does your husband get along with her?

You shouldn't have got involved with such a racist family in the first place.

Anyone who doesn't want their child to marry someone of a different race or religion is a knob.

It should have been a big red flag to you, It wasn't but you need to ask yourself why you are pandering to these racist pricks.

Sad isn't it. They seem to be consistent with their own, possibly lack of social skills for them when they were younger . Or they may be getting old and even more introverted about coming years

Luckily they have no claim on her via heritage, so keeping her well away from their toxic influence will be no loss. If your DH wants to invite them over to the UK again then make it very clear that they will have to make their own arrangements for accommodation and that you will not be hosting them for visits or meals in your home. When they want to meet up with DH then obviously you won’t stop that, but you and your DD won’t be part of the package.

Make it clear that they are not the only ones who can make “judgements”.

I wouldn’t say anything to them but I would to DP. Going forward, you aren’t hosting them nor are you going to see them.

If they ever call to query, then you tell them.

I don't see why you and your daughter don't just not see them? Let your husband go.

You say yourself she doesn't enjoy it and they've made it plain they don't either.

They've been judgemental and unkind and even possibly racist against you in the past.

What do you gain by seeing them and making your daughter do so? They sound awful.

Yep, this!

Mine is 14 and currently barely tolerable to those who love him most

Quite. Plus, if my teen had given me backchat in front of acquaintances or strangers I would completely understand that it made a bad impression, not to mention making the situation uncomfortable. I doubt I'd be taking them back there again until they'd learned to be civil.

No.
Breezy doesn’t include aggression. Passive or otherwise.

You’re mistaking breezy for dismissive.

I think you are getting a little bogged down in semantics, personally. A message can be delivered breezily and cheerfully and still be loaded with PA. But there are more interesting arguments to be had on MN that this so I'll leave you to it.