Upset, hurt, furious?

[CoolaSchmoola]

This is long, sorry.

DP is from a different country (but lives here), and when we met his parents were very much against our relationship because of, in no particular order: race, religion, being married before, having a child, not being "arranged" yada yada.

The first time I went to their country with DP to meet them, they were very nice to me over dinner, and then afterwards called DP and said no, they don't approve and listed the reasons why, rescinded all further invitations during the trip, and I didn't see them again that time. They judged me purely based on what I was, not who I was.

This was incredibly hard to get past, but six months later they waved an olive branch, and I decided to give them grace - it's hard to see your plans and dreams for your child turn out nothing like you hoped. I get it.

Five years on we (DP, DD and I) have stayed with them, holidayed with them etc. They spent Christmas with us here, and we went there again recently.

DD is a teenager. She's at a very shy, awkward, hormonal, occasionally vile (to me), stage, she has some health issues which cause fatigue, and there are also suspicions that she may be neurodiverse (ex and I both are). She very much struggles with change, food, and people she doesn't know well.

I'd had conversations with them about how she is awkward and shy etc, and they'd made all the right noises. DPs dad even said, "I don't push her to talk, I know she is shy."

During a disagreement today (isn't it always?) DP told me that before we left, his parents had said to him, "Try not to bring her (dd) here next time." and had asked why she had ignored them when they were speaking to her and said that she had an attitude the whole time.

She doesn't hear well, and doesn't always understand the accent, she also zones out a little when she's uncomfortable. I did nudge her to bring her back, and when she did speak to them she was always very polite. Any attitude (she's 14) was directed solely at me, and it got addressed and dealt with quickly every time. I work with teenagers and I don't take any crap, and her behaviour isn't unusual for her age and stage. School sing her praises for attitude, behaviour, manners etc. She's a good kid, but she's also 14.

In short, my very socially awkward teenager was a very socially awkward teenager and needed checking for her attitude to me a couple of times, but she was never rude to them.

I'm devastated. I know dd didn't enjoy it because she felt very out of place - she's 14, but as I've said, they seemed to understand, and having seen the behaviour of other teens in the wider family she's no better or worse than them.

I plan to message them. Too upset to call, and I'm going for a one and done. DP has asked me not to do it until tomorrow which I've agreed to, I think he's hoping I'll calm down.

I'm not going to.

The comments about her not interacting and her attitude to me are fair enough, but it's the "Try to not bring her here next time." that has broken me.

We were going back later in the year, and dd had already said she would rather not, so was staying with her dad, but to hear they don't want her there after being so understanding to my face, telling us we're welcome any time and actually saying to her "come alone if you would like!" It feels like a massive punch to the gut.

I gave them another chance many wouldn't after the first time, and now I feel like I just opened myself up for more.

She obviously won't be made aware of this, but after taking the first time on the chin I'll be damned if I pretend this hasn't been said.

DP is saying he isn't worried about me saying something, but he is. His family dynamics are not my problem - he chose to tell me something I didn't need to know, knowing just how awful the first time was for me, so he chose the consequences. After some pushing he said he didn't think they meant it. They can tell me that themselves if so.

I don't know if they realise that I'm the one who pushes him to call. I'm the one who pushes him to visit. I'm the one who invited them to our home (my house) and made them welcome, as did my family. I even invited them on our next holiday. Me, not DP. They will see him less now, because I won't go where my dd is not wanted, whether she was coming or not.

I'm so upset. At them, at him for telling me, and at myself for welcoming them after the first time.

DP seems resigned to the fact that I'm going to contact them, but I'm furious that I'm in this position AGAIN.

I said to him earlier, "You must have known that this would destroy my relationship with your parents. You also knew after last time when I gave them a chance, I wouldn't give them a second." He had no answer when asked why he told me.

I'm also pissed that he didn't shut them down and say we're a family.

I'm not one of those parents who can't see their child's behaviour, if anything I'm on the cusp of too strict, but I'm also aware she's 14, and 14 is hard. She's having therapy because it is.

I don't know why I'm posting. Validation?

Well they did make it clear they didn't think the culture differences would work so why did you think they would accept a 14 year old from a previous relationship with no knowledge or understanding if that culture? Respecting elders is as basic as their reluctance to accept a daughter in law from another culture and religion so it was obviously going to be a tension point. As much as we want to, we can't always tell other cultures to live by ours, we cannot celebrate diversity and tolerance and then impose our own beliefs on others. Accept them who who they are, respect their culture and move on. You don't have to be a part of their family, if you do want to, you probably have to meet them halfway by at least accepting their views are ingrained norms and values to them and as alien to you as you are to them. It can work but you probably have to start

Tell DP you are 'disappointed'.
Use what you now know about his parents to guide your future interactions with them. Ypu cant make these people.like you or respect you. Don't bother trying. When people tell you who they are, believe them.

This applies to your DP too.
How long have you and he been together, and where's the ring?

I can see you are upset and you have a right to be! You can message them if you want to, but what will it achieve? Personally, I'd just step back. Disengage. No invitations to yours. Polite refusals if they invite you to theirs. They live in another country, so let DP deal with them.

You say your partner told you this in an argument to point score. Are you sure they actually said it and he wasn't just making hurtful shit up?

I imagine your DD was also bored to tears. I wouldn't take her again and stop facilitating DH's relationship with them.

I wouldn’t bother with them at all. Why do you care??
Just leave them be, don’t bother interacting with them or being in their presence. Id not have them around your dd again.

However I do think at 14 she should be able to have a polite conversation with strangers or be able to handle politely a difficult accent with grace. Whether ND or not I think that’s irrelevant and she’s not going to be able to use that as cover through life. I think you sound like you have little confidence in her social abilities and worry about her behaviour and how it reflects. You need to teach her how to behave in uncomfortable settings and this is a good experience for her to learn that imo. Not everyone has to like you and you can still be polite. They are clearly rude based on our cultural values - don’t bother seeking their opinion, why do you feel you should meet their standards - why don’t you feel they should be meeting your standards?? I do think your dp sounds a bit weak in not standing up to them but perhaps he knows they are awkward!

Quite honestly you wont be accepted unril you have that ring on your finger. Cultures like this would just see you as a non permanent white girlfriend. A phase in their son's life.
My mum was definitely not accepted or tolerated until they were married and had their first child together. Then they just had to lump it.
My stepfathers mother had an arranged marriage at 13 followed by her first child at 14 and had 12 children in all.

Hi @CoolaSchmoola, I hope you have been able to get to sleep with your adrenaline so fired up, on top of another hot stick night. A good rest will hopefully help you to see things more clearly in the morning.

My opinion on what you should actually do, or say, to your in-laws goes against quite a few of the PP's on here. My MiL used to really upset me with her way of thinking, and very frequently talking about people behind their backs, after being charming to them face to face, and I am not talking about strangers here. Some were even extended family members.

I used to want to pull her up on her nasty judgements, but being the good and polite daughter that my parents had brought up, I couldn't quite bring myself to do it. She also used to talk about a time when she was working on the land, and whenever she came across something like a field mouse she almost bragged that she would stamp on it, and kill it. That was in the fields where she worked - for a few years - I think it is bad enough to kill a sentient being if it comes into your house, and makes a nuisance of itself, but to kill a little defenceless mouse when it was in it's own habitat just turned my stomach! Every time she reminded me about her doing that, I wanted to tell her to stop fucking tell me about it, because it always reminded me about how nasty a person she really is, but again, I kept quiet, partly because I didn't want to upset an old lady at that time in her life, and partly because I knew it would upset my husband, but he never tried to stop me from telling her, I managed that Protestant guilt reaction all on my own!

Those are just two of my many irritants about that woman, I will try to limit myself to just one more example, when̈ my husband was a child, if he did anything that she considered to be naughty, she would wet her hand before slapping him on his leg, because apparently that makes it sting more! I never smacked my children, but if I had I would have felt so sick with myself, and I would have found it hard to forgive myself. I don't understand parents who would actually feel proud and good about themselves for making a punishment sting even more.

Sorry OP, this is far too long-winded, especially as all I really wanted to say to you is, that although my MiL has been dead for several years now - she lasted well into her 90's - I still, on occassions like when I read your OP a little while ago, find I resent her so much for all the years I kept silent, and that she presumably thought I approved of her actions, when in reality I didn't at all. So, Coola, I think that you should send her/them a message, and I think that although she wasn't sure it was a good idea to send one, the short and succinct message that @JustSawJohnny suggested on the first page, is excellent in my point of view. But if you would prefer it to be longer, and in your own words, then please do that.

However, if you have changed your mind about sending the message, I think you should write it - on actual paper - anyway, obviously very calmly and without swearing or anything similar, and then seal it in an envelope, and put it somewhere where it is unlikely to be found by anyone else. I am mainly advising you to write it down anyway, as sometimes just getting something off one's chest, can feel very liberating, and it also gives you the chance to send it later, if you ever changed your mind again.

Good luck with making the right decision for you OP, and remember to take as much time as you need (within reason!🙈) to make your choice. 💐🍷🍫

^ This. It doesn’t even sound like your partner is that bothered interacting with them.

Oh, @CoolaSchmoola, I suppose that I should add that my MiL did have some good points, and if you really wanted to know them - which I'm sure you don't - I will spend a few hours trying to think about what they were...

Ps. I did somehow have some affection for her, and as she got older, and suffered in the way that far too many old people do suffer, I did feel compassion for her.

I wouldn't message them, and I'd tell partner that you're not going to do that after all because it's not going to be a problem for you or your daughter. Then leave him to keep contact with people who don't like you or your daugther.

You say they stayed at YOUR house, if the house IS yours (and not partners in any way) they've had their last stay already. Your shit stirring partner can be not worried about that as well.

I wonder if they meant it as in “I wouldn’t bring 14 year old next time unless you have to, she clearly wasn’t happy here”? Maybe they think you and your partner would have had a nicer time without a sullen 14 year old?

Either way, your daughter doesn’t want to go again and can stay with her dad. You decide whether you want to go again, you don’t have to, but for your relationship you might choose to?

I can kind of see their point of view, it’s sounds like 14 year old is hard work!

Totally agree with this.

The less you impose these people on your teen, the better.

im the long run, not firing off a furious message will serve you better than sending one. They had a private (if unpleasant) word with their son, who - in their eyes - isn’t even your husband about how your daughter made them feel.

it is tough hosting a stroppy teen, so even though they were rude, I think you have to let this go but protect your girl from having to spend time there again. Their comment wasn’t aimed directly at her, or even meant for your ears. And steer clear yourself unless you can eventually forgive them (quietly).

Your partner on the other hand is a bit of a twit. He needs to learn when to keep his mouth shut. Can you imagine if he told them everything you’d said about them over the years?

I would just let them reap the natural consequences of their behaviour. Obviously you won't be encouraging your partner to contact them any more and you won't be inviting them to stay in your home when they want to visit their son. Let that be enough and if they wonder why, DP can explain it to them.

I must admit I’d be most annoyed with your DP. I hate people throwing things back in a disagreement. It’s manipulative and unpleasant. People should be sticking to the matter at hand and it doesn’t suggest he’s the kind of person that likes to resolve things rather than escalate them. Maybe the apple didn’t fall far from the tree OP.

I would wonder why your DH told you knowing how you’d react? Could it be that he doesn’t want your DD there either? All seems very weird to me that he deliberately told you. You have been more than accommodating with them after their initial thoughts about you I would take this as an opportunity as never having to see them again tbh and just leave DH to it. Let him fight his own battles.

Don’t go and see them again. I wouldn’t have anything to do with them. Just cut them off and let them rot

Don’t call them, go no contact and don’t see them again. You’ve given them two chances, now it’s over.

You say DD was well behaved there. How was she when they came to visit you? Presumably she had her guard down a little more. Maybe she was less good a home (understandable i'm not judging).

I think you don't have an issue - DD doesn't want to go and has the option to stay with dad. So she's not missing out on anything.

Don't say anything to them. It isn't worth it. What outcome are you after? That they say to you - 'oh we didn't mean it, please bring dd next time.' Becaue that would be a punishment for her as she doesn't want to go.

Grit your teeth - make the best of this trip. Then let your husband travel alone. (I've done this with dH brothers....result....he now sees them once a year or once every couple of years. I refuse to drive him and he can't be bothered to sort it himself. Not my issue.

Does he pay his way, OP? You say he lives in your house?

Oh come on , you married into a different culture and expected it to be plain sailing ?

I wouldn’t be bothered. They don’t want a difficult teen visiting, the teen doesn’t want to go. They don’t owe you anything.

Not sure why you're even involved with these ppl tbh. I'd step back and go no contact rather than create massive drama

Why are you trying so hard to facilitate your DP’s relationship with his family and what was he point scoring over?