Upset, hurt, furious?

[CoolaSchmoola]

This is long, sorry.

DP is from a different country (but lives here), and when we met his parents were very much against our relationship because of, in no particular order: race, religion, being married before, having a child, not being "arranged" yada yada.

The first time I went to their country with DP to meet them, they were very nice to me over dinner, and then afterwards called DP and said no, they don't approve and listed the reasons why, rescinded all further invitations during the trip, and I didn't see them again that time. They judged me purely based on what I was, not who I was.

This was incredibly hard to get past, but six months later they waved an olive branch, and I decided to give them grace - it's hard to see your plans and dreams for your child turn out nothing like you hoped. I get it.

Five years on we (DP, DD and I) have stayed with them, holidayed with them etc. They spent Christmas with us here, and we went there again recently.

DD is a teenager. She's at a very shy, awkward, hormonal, occasionally vile (to me), stage, she has some health issues which cause fatigue, and there are also suspicions that she may be neurodiverse (ex and I both are). She very much struggles with change, food, and people she doesn't know well.

I'd had conversations with them about how she is awkward and shy etc, and they'd made all the right noises. DPs dad even said, "I don't push her to talk, I know she is shy."

During a disagreement today (isn't it always?) DP told me that before we left, his parents had said to him, "Try not to bring her (dd) here next time." and had asked why she had ignored them when they were speaking to her and said that she had an attitude the whole time.

She doesn't hear well, and doesn't always understand the accent, she also zones out a little when she's uncomfortable. I did nudge her to bring her back, and when she did speak to them she was always very polite. Any attitude (she's 14) was directed solely at me, and it got addressed and dealt with quickly every time. I work with teenagers and I don't take any crap, and her behaviour isn't unusual for her age and stage. School sing her praises for attitude, behaviour, manners etc. She's a good kid, but she's also 14.

In short, my very socially awkward teenager was a very socially awkward teenager and needed checking for her attitude to me a couple of times, but she was never rude to them.

I'm devastated. I know dd didn't enjoy it because she felt very out of place - she's 14, but as I've said, they seemed to understand, and having seen the behaviour of other teens in the wider family she's no better or worse than them.

I plan to message them. Too upset to call, and I'm going for a one and done. DP has asked me not to do it until tomorrow which I've agreed to, I think he's hoping I'll calm down.

I'm not going to.

The comments about her not interacting and her attitude to me are fair enough, but it's the "Try to not bring her here next time." that has broken me.

We were going back later in the year, and dd had already said she would rather not, so was staying with her dad, but to hear they don't want her there after being so understanding to my face, telling us we're welcome any time and actually saying to her "come alone if you would like!" It feels like a massive punch to the gut.

I gave them another chance many wouldn't after the first time, and now I feel like I just opened myself up for more.

She obviously won't be made aware of this, but after taking the first time on the chin I'll be damned if I pretend this hasn't been said.

DP is saying he isn't worried about me saying something, but he is. His family dynamics are not my problem - he chose to tell me something I didn't need to know, knowing just how awful the first time was for me, so he chose the consequences. After some pushing he said he didn't think they meant it. They can tell me that themselves if so.

I don't know if they realise that I'm the one who pushes him to call. I'm the one who pushes him to visit. I'm the one who invited them to our home (my house) and made them welcome, as did my family. I even invited them on our next holiday. Me, not DP. They will see him less now, because I won't go where my dd is not wanted, whether she was coming or not.

I'm so upset. At them, at him for telling me, and at myself for welcoming them after the first time.

DP seems resigned to the fact that I'm going to contact them, but I'm furious that I'm in this position AGAIN.

I said to him earlier, "You must have known that this would destroy my relationship with your parents. You also knew after last time when I gave them a chance, I wouldn't give them a second." He had no answer when asked why he told me.

I'm also pissed that he didn't shut them down and say we're a family.

I'm not one of those parents who can't see their child's behaviour, if anything I'm on the cusp of too strict, but I'm also aware she's 14, and 14 is hard. She's having therapy because it is.

I don't know why I'm posting. Validation?

I understand you are upset but I think people often have unrealistic expectations of how children from previous relationships are supposed to be welcomed into new partners’ families. Add cultural differs and expectations into the mix and the kindest thing for your daughter would be to not put her in a situation where she will be judged by people with little interest in her. I would also wonder why your partner wanted to hurt you by sharing what was said.

Do you enjoy creating drama? Why on earth would you contact them about this? Let him deal with his family. I think you said that you wont see them again? So, don't see them again and skip the drama part. If there's a chance you would see them again or have them around your daughter, then have discussions without kicking off. It sounds like you just want to have a kick off, but without any purpose other than to kick off.

You need to emotionally detach. Give it a few more days before you message them. Personally, I don't think it will do any good - you'll simply give them a reason to complain about you again.

They sound difficult and unwelcoming. They are obviously trying but there is clearly a cultural clash going on here. It is not for you to fix. It is not for you to mend. Drop the rope and let your DH visit them alone.

Honestly - they could be living in the same town as you, and you might end up seeing them frequently, which would in turn cause a lot more hassle for you. Be glad they live in another country. You already have a lot of distance. So keeping them at arms' length shouldn't be too complicated.

In laws are not your family, OP. Try to remember that. What they think, their opinions - it doesn't matter as much as you might think it does.

Your partner sounds as immature as your teen - who will at least grow out of that immaturity.

He is repeating hurtful things his parents are saying to him, even when he knows you have given them a last chance and this will end your relationship with them. And as a way to point score and hurt you in an argument. He needs to be reminded to call them or make an effort like you’re his diary keeper.

Forget having it out with his parents. Have it out with the manipulative man baby at the centre of all the discord. He is the one who needs to grow up and work on his interpersonal skills.

You have ‘lolled’ at the notion he is a kept man and that he moved into your house because you already had one despite being a much higher earner - that’s a red flag for me I’m afraid. It smacks of finding a soft landing where he wouldn’t have to spend his own money on housing and have someone do his life admin.

He is riddled with the misogyny inherent in a culture that puts the precious man first. Given how traditional his family are it would be a miracle for a man raised in that atmosphere to not have the same attitudes towards you and your child, even subconsciously.

I’d be wary of this man and his longer term intentions.

Oh. Do you think maybe it was DP himself who didn't want DD on the trip but is saying his parents did? Because that's a whole different thread 😮

Don’t write any letter. Don’t go back.
They are assholes.

Stop trying to fix everyone and don’t be always trying ‘help’, that’s why you are getting mad and resentful. Open your eyes.

Only people who do too much for people, get resentful. You have to stop.

don’t write, don’t go back, don’t spend time with assholes. Life is for living.

My initial Reaction would have been to message too but on reading that he’s living in your house, I’d simply tell him to tell his parents that they’ve seen you for the last time and that they aren’t allowed to stay in you and your daughters home. Force him to tell them that - after all he didn’t mind telling you about you and your daughter not being welcome. His parents are two faced and I’d stop worrying if they like you.. you don’t like them! Don’t marry this man or have kids with him if he thinks this is ok

Just don't bother with them again. Let your DH go on his own. Maybe in a few years you can restart the visits if their attitude changes. It's all just too intense. They live in another country

You don't know the tone or the context of his parents comment. They could have actually been reasonably sympathetic to the teenager and been expressing that it might be better not to put her in that awkward situation again.

Conversations related second hand are always dangerous in this regard. And as he told you this in order to score points, I have no faith that he was accurate with regard to their tone and context.

Your dd didn’t really want to be there and they noticed. They didn’t say she couldn’t come again, they suggested she didn’t come next time if possible which, in reality, would suit everyone extremely well. How close a relationship were you hoping your 14-year old, unrelated dd would have with your partner’s parents?

I’m actually on the fence about this. I would view it as a good thing. I wouldn’t visit again with my daughter. Your partner can visit alone. They’ll have a nicer time and so will you and your daughter. If they ever ask to see you and your daughter again, then your partner can explain he passed on their request. Also take a step back from reminding and encouraging your partner to contact his parents. Leave him to do what he wants to do. His parents don’t like you or your daughter so stop trying to improve their relationship.

I don't really see the issue with this, she doesn't want to be there, she made it evident she didn't want to be there, they don't want anyone visiting them under duress if they don't want to be there and actually engage with them. She doesn't go anymore, she's happy and they don't feel a guest is being rude. Win win

I’m so glad others have said this.
My step family have a teen they bring on visits and she sits on her phone on the sofa the whole time. She now brings her boyfriend who sits on his phone next to her on the sofa playing games the whole time.

It really is quite uncomfortable and begs the question, why are they coming if they don’t enjoy it?

It sounds like it’s mutually beneficial for his family and your daughter if you stop forcing this. She’s old enough to not having to be dragged along now. You should let your partner go alone or find other arrangements for your fighter (that are more enjoyable for her).

Funnily enough, when step family asked me what I thought of the boyfriend, they were very angry when I said I had absolutely no idea because he never said a word or looked up from his phone.

Bottom line up front: Your DD didn't enjoy herself and your boyfriend's parents didn't enjoy themselves, and you want to write a strongly worded letter of complaint about it.

The conversation that you should be having, is with your partner. Because he needs to explain why he related that conversation to you, and what his aim was in doing so.

From your own description, I can understand why his parents said what they did. It was clearly obvious that your DD was struggling and not enjoying being there. They might not have been malicious, but just pointing out that it clearly hadn't worked out for her (and it's fair to say, for themselves)

You've said that they like you and they'd be horrified to find out that he told you. So I'd just put it down to the sort of comment that surely all of us will have made at some point, and would have hated to get back to the person concerned.

Your daughter doesn’t want to go back again

your parent’s in law don’t want her to go back again

The only issue here is you. Why are you hell bent on destroying your relationship with your PIL is the real question

I strongly agree with this.

@CoolaSchmoola The grandparents have shown you who they are twice. Believe them!

The first time, they rejected you for reasons that were discriminatory and dehumanising. You gave them grace. You rebuilt the bridge. You welcomed them into your home. And now they’ve rejected your daughter, a child, for being shy, overwhelmed, and neurodivergent‑leaning. That’s not a misunderstanding. That’s a pattern. They are warm to your face and contemptuous behind your back. That’s not cultural; that’s character and its who they are.

Your daughter comes first. Full stop. A 14‑year‑old who is shy, fatigued, possibly neurodivergent, and struggling with change is not doing anything wrong. She is a child trying her best in a difficult environment. The grandparents’ comment “Try not to bring her next time” is not about her behaviour. It’s about their intolerance. You cannot expose your daughter to people who see her as an inconvenience. Your instinct to protect her is correct.

Your partner made two mistakes and they really matter.

Mistake 1: He didn’t shut his parents down. The correct response from him should have been: “We are a family. If you don’t want my partner’s daughter there, you don’t want me there either.” He didn’t do that.

Mistake 2: He told you something that he knew would hurt you.* *He didn’t tell you because it was useful. He told you because he didn’t want to carry the discomfort alone. That’s not partnership. That’s offloading. He handed you a grenade and is now surprised it exploded.

You don't need to message his parents anything, it will bring short term relief and long term difficulties for you and your child. This is the part where I challenge you gently but firmly. Messaging them won’t give you closure. It won’t change their minds. It won’t protect your daughter. It will only drag you back into their dysfunction. The most powerful move is to simply withdraw, not confrontation. A simple, quiet boundary to be told to your partner only: “We won’t be visiting again. DD is not comfortable, and I won’t put her in that position. Perhaps if they want to visit they need to stay elsewhere and for your partner to see them on his own” No drama. No explanations. No emotional labour. Let your partner manage his own family. If they contact you directly, that is a separate matter,

Your partner needs to step up, or this will keep happening. He needs to hear, clearly that you will not visit people who reject your child. You will not host people who reject your child. You will not be the one smoothing things over. If he wants a relationship with them, that’s his choice but it cannot cost your daughter her dignity. Tell him how it hurts and affects your relationship that they have judged you and your child, and he is not defending or correcting them. This is not about punishing him. It’s about setting the minimum standard for how you and your child are treated.

You are not overreacting. You are protecting your child. Your daughter should never know what was said and that’s good. But she will know whether you protected her in the longterm. You are doing the right thing.

Just be very cool about this. Just acknowledge it in a breezy way like it's not a big deal, but put some rules in place going forward. Either:

Let her go to her dad's when you visit and if his parents bring up in conversation that she's not there, just say 'well DP said you'd rather she didn't come and frankly, after last time, she'd rather not come. I don't want to put either you or her through that again, haha!! What kid of that age wants to spend a fortnight with old people they don't know very well?' and brush it off as breezily as you can. Don't apologise or fall into teh trap of over-explaining or make excuses for your DD.

Or: DP visits his parents alone from now on. There is no real need for you to go with him. It doesn't sound like you have any children together so it shouldn't be complicated for him to go without you.

Then, when they visit the UK, they don't stay with you. They get a hotel. If asked why, the answer is 'I know you and DD won't want to spend loads of time together and she finds it very difficult having strangers in her home for more than a few hours. I wouldn't want there to be an awkward atmosphere. You'll be much more comfortable in your own space.'

The Ai written passive aggressive comment is not it 😂😂

be breezy/ignore it till you see them & then trot out the PA AI slop

excellent advice

I agree with this. It’s not their grandchild. Also, why is it ok for her to opt out of not going on the next trip… but not ok for them to want her to opt out? She clearly doesn’t enjoy it, that would show and is there anything worse than a miserably teen on a holiday? Even a polite miserably teen.

If you do not have children with DP I’d just distance yourself. You don’t need to be closely involved with these people. Be cordial when you see them, let your husband visit alone most of the time. Your daughter especially has no need to see them again. Not out of spite or hatred, just because it’s unnecessary and hard work for everyone involved.

Yes, unfortunately teens just don’t realise how much their sullenness changes the dynamic of a grown up gathering.

Who made them Lord and master of the universe? They obviously have very unrealistic expectations of how everyone should behave and live their lives. Leave them to it. My ex mil (and the ex) think I'm a terrible mum that spoils ds and thats why he has meltdowns, struggles with social interactions, poor proprioceptive feedback and emotional regulation. I also managed to convince enough officials that he is autistic to get him a diagnosis, ehcp, and into specialist education even though its actually all down to my bad parenting. 🖕 'em.

Do you take DD on any other holidays, or are all holidays used to see DPs family?