Upset, hurt, furious?

[CoolaSchmoola]

This is long, sorry.

DP is from a different country (but lives here), and when we met his parents were very much against our relationship because of, in no particular order: race, religion, being married before, having a child, not being "arranged" yada yada.

The first time I went to their country with DP to meet them, they were very nice to me over dinner, and then afterwards called DP and said no, they don't approve and listed the reasons why, rescinded all further invitations during the trip, and I didn't see them again that time. They judged me purely based on what I was, not who I was.

This was incredibly hard to get past, but six months later they waved an olive branch, and I decided to give them grace - it's hard to see your plans and dreams for your child turn out nothing like you hoped. I get it.

Five years on we (DP, DD and I) have stayed with them, holidayed with them etc. They spent Christmas with us here, and we went there again recently.

DD is a teenager. She's at a very shy, awkward, hormonal, occasionally vile (to me), stage, she has some health issues which cause fatigue, and there are also suspicions that she may be neurodiverse (ex and I both are). She very much struggles with change, food, and people she doesn't know well.

I'd had conversations with them about how she is awkward and shy etc, and they'd made all the right noises. DPs dad even said, "I don't push her to talk, I know she is shy."

During a disagreement today (isn't it always?) DP told me that before we left, his parents had said to him, "Try not to bring her (dd) here next time." and had asked why she had ignored them when they were speaking to her and said that she had an attitude the whole time.

She doesn't hear well, and doesn't always understand the accent, she also zones out a little when she's uncomfortable. I did nudge her to bring her back, and when she did speak to them she was always very polite. Any attitude (she's 14) was directed solely at me, and it got addressed and dealt with quickly every time. I work with teenagers and I don't take any crap, and her behaviour isn't unusual for her age and stage. School sing her praises for attitude, behaviour, manners etc. She's a good kid, but she's also 14.

In short, my very socially awkward teenager was a very socially awkward teenager and needed checking for her attitude to me a couple of times, but she was never rude to them.

I'm devastated. I know dd didn't enjoy it because she felt very out of place - she's 14, but as I've said, they seemed to understand, and having seen the behaviour of other teens in the wider family she's no better or worse than them.

I plan to message them. Too upset to call, and I'm going for a one and done. DP has asked me not to do it until tomorrow which I've agreed to, I think he's hoping I'll calm down.

I'm not going to.

The comments about her not interacting and her attitude to me are fair enough, but it's the "Try to not bring her here next time." that has broken me.

We were going back later in the year, and dd had already said she would rather not, so was staying with her dad, but to hear they don't want her there after being so understanding to my face, telling us we're welcome any time and actually saying to her "come alone if you would like!" It feels like a massive punch to the gut.

I gave them another chance many wouldn't after the first time, and now I feel like I just opened myself up for more.

She obviously won't be made aware of this, but after taking the first time on the chin I'll be damned if I pretend this hasn't been said.

DP is saying he isn't worried about me saying something, but he is. His family dynamics are not my problem - he chose to tell me something I didn't need to know, knowing just how awful the first time was for me, so he chose the consequences. After some pushing he said he didn't think they meant it. They can tell me that themselves if so.

I don't know if they realise that I'm the one who pushes him to call. I'm the one who pushes him to visit. I'm the one who invited them to our home (my house) and made them welcome, as did my family. I even invited them on our next holiday. Me, not DP. They will see him less now, because I won't go where my dd is not wanted, whether she was coming or not.

I'm so upset. At them, at him for telling me, and at myself for welcoming them after the first time.

DP seems resigned to the fact that I'm going to contact them, but I'm furious that I'm in this position AGAIN.

I said to him earlier, "You must have known that this would destroy my relationship with your parents. You also knew after last time when I gave them a chance, I wouldn't give them a second." He had no answer when asked why he told me.

I'm also pissed that he didn't shut them down and say we're a family.

I'm not one of those parents who can't see their child's behaviour, if anything I'm on the cusp of too strict, but I'm also aware she's 14, and 14 is hard. She's having therapy because it is.

I don't know why I'm posting. Validation?

That very true. My nephew and niece used to do the 'sitting in the middle of my living room at a family get together, staring at their phones' thing, and it really impacted the atmosphere. It's hard to explain why, but it this kind of thing just does.

Please don’t lump al teens together like this.

my 2 teens genuinely are great company, they respond to questions, ask questions, would never, ever be rude to me in front of guests or not . They know it won’t fly.

of course they can be moody at home, but I’ve never worried about how they behave in company.

I wouldn’t have it out with them and I would be polite and keep in touch on special occasions etc but I would not be travelling to them anymore.

DH can go and see them on his own.

No way would I put my DD through that.

Well done for staying so calm and taking time to think on it before acting.

Wow, what absolute hypocrites they are - saying nice things to the face then vile things behind people's backs.

If this was an AIBU I would vote you are definitely not being unreasonable to cut contact with them - awful people.

I woukd never let my teens have a phone in that context, that’s just bloody rude and is down to their parents to bringing them up thinking it’s ok to do that.

Agreed, it is possible to raise teens who can have a conversation and act normally. If you don’t, that’s fine, but don’t expect other people to want to be round them 🤷‍♀️

I can understand you feeling hurt and upset by what you were told but a) you said your partner was trying to score points during a disagreement, so you have no idea what the in-laws actually said and b) I think you’re hugely underplaying the cultural differences and expectations at play here and from what you’ve said here, your daughter was stroppy and a bit rude in their company.
You seem to be making an awful lot of excuses for your shy, socially awkward teenager but these things don’t excuse rudeness. You need to realise that your daughter isn’t their biological granddaughter and if your daughter’s actions and body language showed she didn’t want to be there, maybe the in-laws were being understanding of that? You have no idea because as you said yourself, your partner was point scoring.

Nothing pisses me off more than when I am talking to my teen and they just stare at me or they mumble something incomprehensible or just walk off or won't stop staring at their phone. Both my kids are ND but I do find this rude from them and tell them. If people speak to them and they do this I do say 'can you reply to x because you are being rude.'. Or 'please stop starng at your phone, your nan is asking if you would like some cake" for example.
I get she was a fish out of water but hosting someones teen who just stares at you when asking questions is exhausting.
They want to see your partner, I take it they see their son very little.
They realised your daughter did not want to be there.
They suggested to try not bring her next time.
Which sounds like a brilliant suggestion for everyone, not least your daughter.
I really don't get everyone saying to cut them out etc. You dont need to do that, just accept that your daughter has no interest in knowing them they did try and speak to her but got nothing back. It sounds like they did try and have conversations and include her but she did not want to be included.
Therefore, 'try not to bring her next time' is perfectly reasonable given your daughter clearly didnt want to be there.
People always say on here 'they showed you who they were, believe them'. Your daughter showed them she had no interest in getting to know them, despite them trying to have conversations. They are not adopting her, they don't need to force a relationship or make her come around. Thats not on them to do

You don't actually know the context in which your PIL made the comment to your partner. Was it 'Oh God what a dreadful child, we don't want her back here again' or 'poor child was clearly struggling and it might be better if she didn't come next time'!! Both meant in different ways.

Your daughter didn't enjoy her time visiting your PIL, and doesn't want to go back. Therefore, you don't make her go again.

As for your partner, he used the comment his parents made (you have no idea in what context) and used it to hurt you. He could have twisted that comment for all you know. How do you know his parents even made the comment???!! He might have decided HE didn't want your daughter going next time, and decided to use his parents as an excuse!

You need a conversation with your partner regarding his behaviour, and what he hoped to achieve by telling you something he didn't need too.

I wouldn't be visiting again. I'd tell him to visit on his own. If they come to visit him, perhaps they need to stay in a hotel.

I only have two things to say, the first is "when someone shows you who they are, listen" - and this is about your DP's parents, not him.

The second thing is this - your DD's wellbeing is more important than these people. You don't need to charge in and tell anyone off you just need to grey rock them. Why visit at all?

I don't think you should be upset with hubby for telling you, it's good he told you. No secrets is good. Something like this, how else would hubby word it? Let's not take your dd to visit his parents? You'd go off on him instead.

The rest, just take a nice big step back. Leave the to it. You've done your part, time to protect yourself and your dd.

I've never used AI to write anything in my life. I especially wouldn't need to do that on Mumsnet, where would the fun be in having an opinion or giving advice if it wasn't even my own? 😂

They don't want her there, she doesn't want to go....It seems simple. Let her stay home. You are furious on behalf your child, who can do no wrong - or, if she does, no one but you is allowed to notice it or react to it. That's a natural maternal feeling. But I think you are wrong not to tell her. Concealing isn't always protection. She might benefit from learning that her "teenage attitude" alienates people. She may not care. But it's a truth, and therefore worth her knowing.

It's a shame, of course, that your DPs parents can't accept you and yours unquestioningly and without reservation. But you can't really do that for them either, can you? So let your daughter stay home.

You can downplay not being married, but if your match bothered them, because in their culture, an arranged marriage to someone of the same religion, is the norm, then you aren't family to them. They tolerate his white girlfriend, probably hoping that he will still marry someone suitable, or marry you both, one religious/traditionally, the other legally. Re your teen, there's a culture clash again. There's no reason why you have to visit with him. However, fo you fully understand your DP's culture? A lot of women seem to get taken by surprise. Don't contact them, they have a right to their feelings.

OP

See it from their point of view.

There culture, whatever it is, will have a baring on their view of your DD.

To be honest a surly teenager is no fun for family to be around, and to be brutally honest you DD isn't part of their family.

I know that is not nice, but I understand it.

Also it’s very unlikely that a teenager in their culture would behave like this, it probably very alien to them.

OP - I really think you are being hugely naive here. You are a divorcee with a child who is living with their son but you don’t want to marry him. You are also a different race & religion. They didn’t want this for their son because it doesn’t align with what they fundamentally believe.

Their son has made his own life choices.

For some reason you insist he keep up contact with them and then get annoyed when you feel they won’t play happy families. Because you’ve decided that’s what you want, they don’t seem to, their son doesn’t and your DD doesn’t.

I get wanting to have a good relationship with your ILs, but you need to accept the situation for what it is. And you really need to accept that you can be nice as pie and they can be polite back but that doesn’t mean they’re ok with the situation. They don’t see the world the way you do.

I’ll give my 3 cents worth:-

• my step grandmother lived with my grandad, we saw them monthly growing up, we were also my grandad’s first grandchildren and she never had a granddaughter. So we were very close, she took me on holiday to see her family in Ireland.

• my step grandmother in Ireland. We rarely saw her or the other relatives and the one time we visited I had to go into hospital there with gastroenteritis and she’d thought I was putting it on. She was very contrite when I was seriously ill. We visited in later years, she always sent me money at Christmas and birthdays and sent a mass card for my dad when he died suddenly when I was 22. But we had no relationship.

• my step mum and her parents. They’re Cypriot, big on family and welcomed me and DB with open arms every time we went to visit. They had their own grandchildren but were very kind to us. And we’d come into their lives when I was 13 and their grandchildren were younger.

So for me a lot of this is because they don’t know your DD. They could and are sort of trying to make an effort to get to know her by inviting her over but they don’t seem to understand teenagers.

I wouldn’t cut them off completely but if it means your partner has to visit them alone then so be it. Also, see above re my Irish step grandmother, she mellowed a lot in later years. Became more understanding.

This! And then she ropes in her dd to engage with this nonsense. Stop forcing unrelated people on your child! So selfish of you

It sounds like they were trying to talk to your teenager - probably trying to make an effort - and she just sat there ignoring them to the point you had to nudge her back to acknowledging them? Hearing problems and social awkwardness or not, if older people are speaking to a 14 year old who can clearly see them talking to her and she ignores them that is rude! Yea being 14 can be hard but we all survived it, it sounds like she was disrespectful and you’re just like ah well she’s14 what can ya do

To be fair, what you suggested wasn’t “breezy” in the slightest. It was plain passive aggressive

We have no idea whether they said something vile. DP used the conversation to score points, so isn't an accurate witness. They might well have simply said that the teenager was clearly uncomfortable and unhappy, so it was probably better not to put her through it again. That's not vile.

Have you forgotten the first time they met OP? They have form for being vile:

The first time I went to their country with DP to meet them, they were very nice to me over dinner, and then afterwards called DP and said no, they don't approve and listed the reasons why, rescinded all further invitations during the trip, and I didn't see them again that time. They judged me purely based on what I was, not who I was.

Honestly OP, even if they hadn't said this, it seems obvious that the visit wasn't a massive success and it would be better for everyone to go without DD in future.

It was really a fools errand for OP to even try after this. A culture which wants in-race and religious arranged marriage was never going to embrace a western single mum with a surly teen. They won’t care that they no longer visit either; this will be music to their ears.

I totally agree with all of this and your point about the stroppy behaviour would probably be completely alien to the in-laws, was the point I was trying to make but you said it better!