Upset, hurt, furious?

[CoolaSchmoola]

This is long, sorry.

DP is from a different country (but lives here), and when we met his parents were very much against our relationship because of, in no particular order: race, religion, being married before, having a child, not being "arranged" yada yada.

The first time I went to their country with DP to meet them, they were very nice to me over dinner, and then afterwards called DP and said no, they don't approve and listed the reasons why, rescinded all further invitations during the trip, and I didn't see them again that time. They judged me purely based on what I was, not who I was.

This was incredibly hard to get past, but six months later they waved an olive branch, and I decided to give them grace - it's hard to see your plans and dreams for your child turn out nothing like you hoped. I get it.

Five years on we (DP, DD and I) have stayed with them, holidayed with them etc. They spent Christmas with us here, and we went there again recently.

DD is a teenager. She's at a very shy, awkward, hormonal, occasionally vile (to me), stage, she has some health issues which cause fatigue, and there are also suspicions that she may be neurodiverse (ex and I both are). She very much struggles with change, food, and people she doesn't know well.

I'd had conversations with them about how she is awkward and shy etc, and they'd made all the right noises. DPs dad even said, "I don't push her to talk, I know she is shy."

During a disagreement today (isn't it always?) DP told me that before we left, his parents had said to him, "Try not to bring her (dd) here next time." and had asked why she had ignored them when they were speaking to her and said that she had an attitude the whole time.

She doesn't hear well, and doesn't always understand the accent, she also zones out a little when she's uncomfortable. I did nudge her to bring her back, and when she did speak to them she was always very polite. Any attitude (she's 14) was directed solely at me, and it got addressed and dealt with quickly every time. I work with teenagers and I don't take any crap, and her behaviour isn't unusual for her age and stage. School sing her praises for attitude, behaviour, manners etc. She's a good kid, but she's also 14.

In short, my very socially awkward teenager was a very socially awkward teenager and needed checking for her attitude to me a couple of times, but she was never rude to them.

I'm devastated. I know dd didn't enjoy it because she felt very out of place - she's 14, but as I've said, they seemed to understand, and having seen the behaviour of other teens in the wider family she's no better or worse than them.

I plan to message them. Too upset to call, and I'm going for a one and done. DP has asked me not to do it until tomorrow which I've agreed to, I think he's hoping I'll calm down.

I'm not going to.

The comments about her not interacting and her attitude to me are fair enough, but it's the "Try to not bring her here next time." that has broken me.

We were going back later in the year, and dd had already said she would rather not, so was staying with her dad, but to hear they don't want her there after being so understanding to my face, telling us we're welcome any time and actually saying to her "come alone if you would like!" It feels like a massive punch to the gut.

I gave them another chance many wouldn't after the first time, and now I feel like I just opened myself up for more.

She obviously won't be made aware of this, but after taking the first time on the chin I'll be damned if I pretend this hasn't been said.

DP is saying he isn't worried about me saying something, but he is. His family dynamics are not my problem - he chose to tell me something I didn't need to know, knowing just how awful the first time was for me, so he chose the consequences. After some pushing he said he didn't think they meant it. They can tell me that themselves if so.

I don't know if they realise that I'm the one who pushes him to call. I'm the one who pushes him to visit. I'm the one who invited them to our home (my house) and made them welcome, as did my family. I even invited them on our next holiday. Me, not DP. They will see him less now, because I won't go where my dd is not wanted, whether she was coming or not.

I'm so upset. At them, at him for telling me, and at myself for welcoming them after the first time.

DP seems resigned to the fact that I'm going to contact them, but I'm furious that I'm in this position AGAIN.

I said to him earlier, "You must have known that this would destroy my relationship with your parents. You also knew after last time when I gave them a chance, I wouldn't give them a second." He had no answer when asked why he told me.

I'm also pissed that he didn't shut them down and say we're a family.

I'm not one of those parents who can't see their child's behaviour, if anything I'm on the cusp of too strict, but I'm also aware she's 14, and 14 is hard. She's having therapy because it is.

I don't know why I'm posting. Validation?

Yes. And it isn’t personal. They can like you very much but still not want you for their son.
They can be kind and welcoming to your DD, but still not want more contact.

I think this is about their son’s choices, rather than about you.

Expectations of the behaviour of children is very different in some other cultures. They were polite to your face, but were probably quite offended by your DD's behaviour. It's just a cultural difference and as said your DD is not their grandchild and she doesn't even want to go back anyway. If you want to cut ties that's up to you but I would think of your DH and how he would feel about a rift with his parents.

I know it’s a MN cliché, but you have a DP problem.

Firstly, why the need to score points in an argument by emphasising that his parents don’t like you or your DD? I gather he’s older than 20 (and even at that age I’d question his reasons for telling you something like that). He should be trying to facilitate a relationship with his family, instead he’s telling you that he’s with you in spite of their objections. Why? Does he expect you to be grateful? I used to have one of those (very minor background differences, but he was a tit with and overbearing mother) and threw him back.

Intercultural relationships can work but it takes effort, understanding and compromise from both sides. So far, it seems like you’re doing all the work, what is he doing to support your relationship with his family?

Perhaps they sensed your daughter wasn't having a great time and thought she'd be happier if she didn't have to come next trip?

Why is it important to you that your in-laws like you and want to spend time with you? I think perhaps you feel a sense of rejection and I wonder if this is something that affects your life in general? Are you especially uncomfortable with being disliked or excluded?

If they aren't especially welcoming of you and your daughter that is not a reflection of your self worth. You can't be everyone's cup of tea.

Your DP is a dick for telling you and I'd be asking myself what he hoped to gain by making the relationship between you and his DP difficult?

@PlayingDevilsAdvocateisinteresting

My MiL used to really upset me with her way of thinking, and very frequently talking about people behind their backs, after being charming to them face to face, and I am not talking about strangers here. Some were even extended family members.
I used to want to pull her up on her nasty judgements, but being the good and polite daughter that my parents had brought up, I couldn't quite bring myself to do it.

So you behaved exactly the same as her? Good and polite to her face and judging her behind her back?

Morning all, thanks for all the responses, definitely some food for thought, and some quite amusing ones too.

Having slept on it, I'm far calmer than last night.

I'll read more in detail once I'm caffeinated, but a couple of things stood out.

1. Someone asked "where is the ring?" as though trying to imply DP didn't want to marry me. No thought that, having been married before, I may be the one not in a rush to do it again?

2. Someone else asked about finances and if DP is a kept man because we live in my house. 🤣 No, we're very evenly matched in terms of assets and he actually earns more than me. We live in my house because I already had one so he moved in with me.

I can understand why this is so upsetting for you but I can also see it from their side. They only see their son a couple of times a year and your daughter is not a relation of theirs. I would find it hard having to entertain a teenager who struggles with communication and has an attitude at times when I was wanting to spend quality time with my own son. Add to this the cultural issues and it’s a difficult situation all round.

It can’t have been much fun for your daughter to go so I would see this as a get out and not take her again. If that means you not going either then so be it. Let your partner have time with his family alone instead.

I think you're over reacting

DD isn't their granddaughter and she isn't easy to be around. She doesn't like being around them and vice versa.

Accept it. Stop trying to control them

They don't like you either, I'd wager, and would much rather just their son went to see them

Chill out

I understand why you are upset. But they dont need to accept you and your DD. It would be great if they did but they don’t. You accept you and your DD. So avoid the drama. It doesn’t matter what they think. They are at arms length. You don’t rely on them for your emotional wellbeing or anything else. You don’t need a big fallout. You just need to decide what exactly you are practically prepared to do/not do. I’d suggest a calm conversation with your DH along the lines of: I’m disappointed with you parents but they can have their view. Going forward, you are the one that will need to take the lead on contact with them in the circumstances, I shall be taking a step back.

I find this kind of puzzling. The Op isn't a daughter in law, her child isn't the child of her partner. Why the angst? Why the need to be liked by people the Op has no link to? I am ambivalent about being told what the olders think of her and her daughter. I am wondering why and how the partner told her. Was it "my bloody parents are at it again, I have told them they won't see me unless they stop their nonsense with you" or was it "I don't know what to dooooooo, my parents don't like you and I am sooooooo sad"

Just keep it going it will work itself out

They are racist and I'd go low contact .

My children are not my husbands. We've been married almost 18 years, so PIL's have known my children since they were in Primary school. They have taken ZERO interest in my children's lives, never enquire about them, or invite them to their holiday home. They did used to give them £20 at Christmas when they were little, but they would have no clue when their birthdays are. Even when BIG life events happen (my DD emigrated), they don't ask after them. TBF, they don't take much interest in their biological grandchildren either.

I'd take this as an ideal way to distance yourself - you can't leave a 14 y/o alone - perfect excuse not to go again.

I don't see my MIL anymore, haven't done for quite a while, maybe one Christmas eve in passing 3years ago.
I’ve never felt that comfortable in my in laws company,I spent alot of time with them all whilst in my 20’s before having DC.
She is gossipy, opinionated and has slapped one of my DS when was younger.
I stopped going over to see her, I’ve never stopped my DH from seeing her and I left it up to my DC if they wanted to go with their Dad, mainly they would choose not to go.
Our DD said-Grandma shouts at me
I dont care what she thinks.
I lost my DM suddenly when I was 36, our DS’s were young and I lost my DF at 41, when our DD was 6 months old, life is too short and precious to spend it with people who dont deserve your company
Our DD is just 16 and it’s hard dealing with a teenage daughter! Intense!
Thank goodness we have her brothers to support her, they are so great with her, there is an 8/10 year gap
I’m 56 and my hormones have been raging for a while, we clash alot but we still hug alot too, she tells me her worries/friendship /boys
I’ve never understood this judgy attitude towards children, adults peering down their noses at children who are not fitting into this regimented idea of how a child should behave. Open your minds, accept each child as an individual person, every child's needs are different, embrace them
and allow them to discover themselves in this crazy world.

Don’t contact them. Do make clear to your husband that you are done with them beyond being polite if you have to meet. Don’t encourage him to phone, remind him of birthdays, visit with him, invite them to you. If he wants to invite them he can raise it with you and do all the work to facilitate a brief visit or give them a list of local Airbnb. Assuming he has needed your prompting in the past then this will lead to reduced contact with him so they will suffer just more slowly and with less drama.

I wouldn’t say anything. It may make you feel a momentary satisfaction but no good will come of it. What I would do is just stop making an effort. It sounds like without your urging they won’t get much contact from DP. That will be a real negative outcome for them from this. And the beauty is you can’t be blamed and literally don’t have to do anything to make it happen. Not sure why you are going back there but don’t - find an excuse to bow out. Then just get on with your life completely ignoring them. When (if) he goes back, go on a great holiday with DD elsewhere. Don’t invite them to your home. If they come, be pretty much absent and let DP host in all ways. Stop CARING about what they think. This is the true power.
Lastly, I’d also question your DP motivations in all this. Why did he tell you? Why does he need you to intervene with his parents? There are probably other changes you need to make re your attitude to him.

Overall I have the impression that you are trying to build a happy family with people that possibly don't accept you as a family member in the first instance.

You tried hard even to educate your partner to build strong family ties and he is reluctant to do so. You expect recognition of your value of yourself as a person and for your efforts to get everyone tied in a loving relationship, but it seems that the only one wanting this is yourself I'm afraid.

I know it may hurt you but I think this dynamics cannot be changed with your own efforts only, the proof is that it's getting worse and worse and now involving your child who doesn't deserve to have this sort of people in her life.

Do yourself and her a favour: stop trying to fix what cannot be fixed.
I know it's painful because you made all the possible efforts to get along with them, at least now you have no regrets.

Your value is not determined by what they think, so get yourself together and build a happy independent life, they might or might not follow you, this shouldn't make you feel less worthy.
Also as someone else mentioned they might still be thinking of getting the right wife for your partner, if they don't think you're the one if they believe in arranged marriages;. Safeguard yourself from a broken heart if this is the case, actually I would take distance rather than trying to reinforce bonds in order to avoid emotional blackmail and brainwashing to your partner.

Sorry but I see so many red flags that these parents will interfere in your relationship so I'd frankly take distance.

Sorry if I've been harsh but I'd feel very uncomfortable in your situation.

Are you a people pleaser OP as I can’t imagine why you give a toot.

You don’t like them, they don’t like you, now you don’t have to visit them - surely that’s win win?

Equally, I can see why they cba to deal with an introverted teen they’re not related to.

My parents are from 2 different continents and neither of their parents wanted them to marry. My father’s mother was an old boot who didn’t really my mother, but then she didn’t really like my father either!

Life is not Milly Molly Mandy.

If you and DP are happy, I would blanketly ignore everything else.

@CoolaSchmoola

I said to him earlier, "You must have known that this would destroy my relationship with your parents. You also knew after last time when I gave them a chance, I wouldn't give them a second." He had no answer when asked why he told me.

Putting this together with the fact that it is you who makes sure he keeps contact with them, consciously or subconsciously he wants to cut down or cut off contact with his parents but he isn't brave enough to do it. He knows by telling you this that you will do it for him.

I'm also pissed that he didn't shut them down and say we're a family.

Did you shut your daughter down when she said she didn’t want to go again and insist she had to as you’re all a family? No? Why not?

Why is it perfectly fine for your daughter to decide she doesn’t want to go again and opt out by staying with her dad but it’s such an heinous crime for your PIL to suggest she doesn’t come again when they could plainly clearly see she wasn’t happy to be there? Why are your PIL on the receiving end of your vitriol for suggesting not wanting to be around a moody teenager but it’s perfectly fine for the moody teenager to decide not to be around them? Especially when it seems they treated her well which is something she didn’t reciprocate. Hypocritical no?

Also stop making excuses for your DD, you say she was never rude to them but they said she had “ignored them when they were speaking to her and said that she had an attitude the whole time” which you don’t disagree with (said thats fair enough) but that is rude! Shyness or being awkward or not understanding an accent doesn’t you mean you just ignore someone when they’re speaking to you directly. As for not hearing well, does she have a disability? A hearing aid? Or is nudging all it takes to fix?

This is the problem with step families, it never works both ways. The step child and their parent are able to treat the step parent’s family how they want, decide who’s family and who isn’t and how much involvement they want but woe betide that family if they don’t take everything dished out and treat that child better than a blood related child (as with blood relative you can at least speak out but with a step child you have to stay silent); obviously with little ‘uns it’s different but your daughter is teenager.

Before anyone comes for me, I’ve just come back from a two week holiday with family which included a moody rude teenager (my blood niece) and she actually ruined the whole trip with her attitude. Her stepfather’s parents were there and they had to just take it whereas at least I could say something. Everyone loves their own child and some will excuse them to high heaven (there are always reasons right?) but they can be blind as to how their child effects other people and the atmosphere it causes especially when you’re stuck together.

I would say this is good advice.
Ofc DO shouldn't have told you. But also there's literally no need to confront them. Just pull back. Stop investing. Refuse an invitation and say it's because my DD is not welcome.
But I also don't know why you brought a shy awkward 14 Yr old to hang out with some unrelated adults. My teens wouldn't have wanted to do this at all!

Absolutely don’t get in touch with them and stop facilitating DP’s relationship with them. Is your relationship with DP otherwise solid apart from this? Is your DD happy that he moved in?

How long have you been together?

His parents don’t like you and they don’t approve of you. That’s entirely their problem and their relationship with their son will suffer as a result of alienating you and your daughter. But you don’t need the drama - don’t message them, don’t say anything at all. You have no relationship with them and you don’t owe them anything, including an explanation. Just quietly remove yourself from the drama and move on.

On a separate note, your partner should be able to tell his parents how rude and disrespectful they’re being and he should stand up for you. Instead, he used what they said to him against you in an argument because he knew it would hurt you. Are you sure you want all of this drama over a man like that? He doesn’t exactly sound like a keeper.

I think you also need to consider why they are comfortable to say these comments to your DP.

I’d go with ‘thank you for hosting us. DH mentioned you prefer to not meet DD again, and that request is acknowledged. DH will be in touch directly with any further arrangements.’

No further arrangements from you, leave the family WhatsApp, no hosting from you, and save the money you’ll spend on the next trip on a spa day with your daughter or whatever floats your boat. They want distance; give them it.