Upset, hurt, furious?

[CoolaSchmoola]

This is long, sorry.

DP is from a different country (but lives here), and when we met his parents were very much against our relationship because of, in no particular order: race, religion, being married before, having a child, not being "arranged" yada yada.

The first time I went to their country with DP to meet them, they were very nice to me over dinner, and then afterwards called DP and said no, they don't approve and listed the reasons why, rescinded all further invitations during the trip, and I didn't see them again that time. They judged me purely based on what I was, not who I was.

This was incredibly hard to get past, but six months later they waved an olive branch, and I decided to give them grace - it's hard to see your plans and dreams for your child turn out nothing like you hoped. I get it.

Five years on we (DP, DD and I) have stayed with them, holidayed with them etc. They spent Christmas with us here, and we went there again recently.

DD is a teenager. She's at a very shy, awkward, hormonal, occasionally vile (to me), stage, she has some health issues which cause fatigue, and there are also suspicions that she may be neurodiverse (ex and I both are). She very much struggles with change, food, and people she doesn't know well.

I'd had conversations with them about how she is awkward and shy etc, and they'd made all the right noises. DPs dad even said, "I don't push her to talk, I know she is shy."

During a disagreement today (isn't it always?) DP told me that before we left, his parents had said to him, "Try not to bring her (dd) here next time." and had asked why she had ignored them when they were speaking to her and said that she had an attitude the whole time.

She doesn't hear well, and doesn't always understand the accent, she also zones out a little when she's uncomfortable. I did nudge her to bring her back, and when she did speak to them she was always very polite. Any attitude (she's 14) was directed solely at me, and it got addressed and dealt with quickly every time. I work with teenagers and I don't take any crap, and her behaviour isn't unusual for her age and stage. School sing her praises for attitude, behaviour, manners etc. She's a good kid, but she's also 14.

In short, my very socially awkward teenager was a very socially awkward teenager and needed checking for her attitude to me a couple of times, but she was never rude to them.

I'm devastated. I know dd didn't enjoy it because she felt very out of place - she's 14, but as I've said, they seemed to understand, and having seen the behaviour of other teens in the wider family she's no better or worse than them.

I plan to message them. Too upset to call, and I'm going for a one and done. DP has asked me not to do it until tomorrow which I've agreed to, I think he's hoping I'll calm down.

I'm not going to.

The comments about her not interacting and her attitude to me are fair enough, but it's the "Try to not bring her here next time." that has broken me.

We were going back later in the year, and dd had already said she would rather not, so was staying with her dad, but to hear they don't want her there after being so understanding to my face, telling us we're welcome any time and actually saying to her "come alone if you would like!" It feels like a massive punch to the gut.

I gave them another chance many wouldn't after the first time, and now I feel like I just opened myself up for more.

She obviously won't be made aware of this, but after taking the first time on the chin I'll be damned if I pretend this hasn't been said.

DP is saying he isn't worried about me saying something, but he is. His family dynamics are not my problem - he chose to tell me something I didn't need to know, knowing just how awful the first time was for me, so he chose the consequences. After some pushing he said he didn't think they meant it. They can tell me that themselves if so.

I don't know if they realise that I'm the one who pushes him to call. I'm the one who pushes him to visit. I'm the one who invited them to our home (my house) and made them welcome, as did my family. I even invited them on our next holiday. Me, not DP. They will see him less now, because I won't go where my dd is not wanted, whether she was coming or not.

I'm so upset. At them, at him for telling me, and at myself for welcoming them after the first time.

DP seems resigned to the fact that I'm going to contact them, but I'm furious that I'm in this position AGAIN.

I said to him earlier, "You must have known that this would destroy my relationship with your parents. You also knew after last time when I gave them a chance, I wouldn't give them a second." He had no answer when asked why he told me.

I'm also pissed that he didn't shut them down and say we're a family.

I'm not one of those parents who can't see their child's behaviour, if anything I'm on the cusp of too strict, but I'm also aware she's 14, and 14 is hard. She's having therapy because it is.

I don't know why I'm posting. Validation?

First post nails it!

Ha, I was thinking the same thing! And yep mum of teens.

Look
You want a nice relationship, you arent going to get it.

Drop the rope.
Let him go solo to visit.
You can probably just never see them again if you dont want to.

If they come here let your dd go to her dads and you go about your business doing your own thing maybe Stay over with friend.
Better yet book a solo holiday for the duration (you'll have more annual leave than him if he visits them solo)

Yes but I’d add it’s naive to expect approval from parents of a different race & religion to accept you. It’s goes against what they fundamentally believe & isn’t what that wanted for their child, and may believe he will suffer spiritual harm because of it.

Those are fundamental beliefs, I think thinking if you are just nice enough & try hard enough they will somehow ditch them is very Western.

I'd be inclined to believe your partner shares their views which is why he's told you. I'd be questioning if you wanted that culture imposed on your child throughout her teen/young adult years, I know I certainly wouldn't given the underlying misogyny.

DP can visit on his own, you have tried long enough. Who has time for this crap?

This. I like my in-laws and we live in the same country, yet our lives are not even remotely intertwined to the same insane level yours seem to be. Why are you forcing this and why are you forcing your teenager to spend time with them when she doesn't want to and is not their grandchild?

I couldn't get this excited over this.
She isn't their grandchild.
She's an awkward teen
Why did you even take her to stay at their home? Not like she needs to build a relationship with them and she could have stayed with her dad. You intentionally took her into a weird situation and are now surprised at the outcome.
She doesn't even want to go back anyway and wants to stay with her dad.
Why are you making such a massive fuss.
I'd imagine if I had an adult child living abroad I'd be a bit irritated that on a rare visit home they bought the partners teenager with them.

If he was point scoring, how do you know they said it?

I had an ex like that and he'd claim that people said unkind things that I knew they hadn't said because he'd been too stupid to realise I was in the room with them at the time.

And yes, this.👆I also have a teen daughter 😂

I also think you should stop forcing her to spend time with people she doesn't like and aren't related to her.

I tried for years with MIL, people pleasing, acquiescing, staying silent, agreeing, then I got menopausal and stopped...caring.

I don't text, make the effort, try and make her welcome any more. Not out of vitriol. Just because I cba with anyone I dont get good energy and reciprocal respect from.

The dynamic change is huge. She doesn't know how to treat me any more (always one ups, put downs, interrupting, talking over etc.) Because I dont engage.

I largely ignore her. If she interrupts, I turn and speak to someone else or say, oh look at that cute dog or whatever. When people turn i say, anyway, as I was saying, and she's thinking wtf just happened. Shes more wary. I'm like Teflon, smile and nod but dont even fucking try.

The history is long and she had behaved atrociously, but now I think of her and just...don't really give a fuck.

Apparently she said to her sister in law "she didn't even ASK what my plans are!" No. Because I don't give a fuck.

I'm not mean, or rude, or cruel or harsh. I just kind of don't engage. I feel a lot lighter.

Basically I don't care what she thinks. No one will ever be good enough for the golden son, so in a sense it's freeing. I drink more, curse now and then, am mildly inappropriate and enjoy myself more. She's an innate snob who only cares what people think so that's quite fun. But really it is just because im more me, I'm not editing myself. I'm not the nervous, shy kid who she tried to crush 20 years ago. And she dislikes it..

Anyway. Tmi. Just disengage would be my advice :)

Yes OP, this. They are clearly out of order for all the attitudes towards race, ethnicity, etc. But honestly why should your DD go? She hates it, she wants to stay with her dad while you go...so problem solved. Shes no relation to them, and being around a very mardy teenager isnt fun for anyone anyway. Theres no reason tbh for them to have a relationship.

Also why are you visiting? Silence and absence.communicate your message far better. Just extricate yourself, let him visit them alone. I think you'll regret angry messages in the end.

He would have been better not to say anything particularly if he thinks they didn’t mean it. Do you want a relationship with them, ? If yes work through it with them. If no step back stop visiting, calling, accepting them to your home and leave your dp to explain why.

You're in a bad situation which by acting, you will make worse.
Messaging them won't undo what they said, improve anything or fix your problems with your partner.
In your life as a whole, they are peripheral. They live in another country. They are not part of your day to day. Your partner is.
So push them aside for a moment and think about that relationship.
Your partner is a man who will weaponise your feelings for your DD to hurt you in an argument. He said this purely to attack you.
And with that in mind, you need to be sceptical about him as messenger. There's a big difference in "it would probably be better if she didn't come again" and "don't let that child darken our doorstep again".
It's also not unreasonable for parents to be frank with their own child about their opinions, without expecting it to be repeated.
Your partner has form for this. He repeated to you what was said at the first meeting and made that your problem, rather than something he should have addressed with his parents. This is the same.
Bluntly, these people are not your problem. You need never see them again if you choose. If your partner wants you to have a relationship, then he needs to try and negotiate peace between you. If he doesn't, you just do nothing. Don't contact them and carry on with your life.

Perhaps it was your DH that would rather your DD was left at home.
As he knew it would hurt you, why did he say anything?
Did they really say it?
I think you have a DH problem.
But as she doesn't want to go again, now you don't have to explain!

That’s amazing, I tried similar with my mil (not as bad as yours but still some shitty comments/ behaviour) it worked, I felt lighter stopped complaining to dh. Everything was fine but then she changed tactic, started saying to dh that I didnt make enough effort when I visit and that I ignore her ( only when she’s being rude) . Then dh is asking me to make more effort and that’s causing issue between us because I look like I’m being unreasonable.

With your in laws it will land more strongly if your DP says something, not you. I understand why you want to assert yourself but honestly I would leave it to him xx

Just stop visiting them and leave all the interactions and communications up to your DP. Put absolutely no effort into the relationship with your in-laws. If your DP visits his parents, he can go alone.

If he invites them to visit, he can do all the work. Don't lift a finger to help.

I’d just drop the ball over this. There’s no need to engage any further. Let your DP handle it. Don’t visit anymore. Don’t push him to remain in contact anymore. Just stop.

Honestly it sounds like there’s too many cultural differences between you both and this won’t be the only thing that riles you up.

It is a really big deal in a lot of other cultures to already have a child or have been married before, it sounds like they’re trying but they’re never going to be as accepting as you’d like them to be.

We were going back later in the year, and dd had already said she would rather not, so was staying with her dad,

Maybe they would feel ‘upset, hurt, furious’ to be told that she did not want to see THEM after they had hosted her! Does your DP know she doesn’t want to go? Though you see the 3 of you going as ‘family’? And she is rejecting that?

Take a step back.
What they said wasn't actually that bad in the context of the whole situation.
Your inlaws said your dajghter was a bit rude and non communicative. In their eyes, this is a child they welcomed into their house who was not speaking to them when they asked them questions. So yes, maybe they did think that was rude. My teenage son does this to my parents, he is ND and they think he is rude sometimes. Different generations, different parenting styles, different expectations. Layer on their cultural differences and they were probably very confused by her behaviour.
They said try not to bring her next time.. well I think thats obvious, they think she didn't want to be there, didn't want to speak to them and probably think it's best she doesn't bave to come. They didn't say she is not welcome ever, they just said try not to bring her. Which makes sense really seeing as she bas no relation to them, and didn't really show that she was enjoying the trip.
Your DH using it to point score has caused this to blow up. He could have said this in a much nicer way but as he threw it in your face in an argument then you are now angry and hurt.
I don't think contacting them will help at all.

They’re cunts.

I’d be telling them that, and exactly why, and then never see them again.

I’d be tempted to never see your “D” H again quite frankly. The apple didn’t fall far from the tree did it?

Why, after the first instance of them being arseholes, did you end up arse-licking them so intently? Why fawn over people who had been awful to you?
Drop the rope and step back.

Your job as a daughter in law is just to smile and be polite. Your job isn’t to forge or force a relationship or dynamic that just isn’t there. It’s for your DH to create the relationship he wants with his parents. If you don’t want to go again, don’t go.

The only reason you know what they’ve said behind your back is the fact your DH told you! Even my 10 year old knows not to pass on bitchy comments that’ll hurt someone else’s feelings.