Would you delay a family holiday to provide childcare for siblings?

[TooHotForAnything]

We are going on holiday in early July. Our children break up on a Thursday and we plan to leave for our holiday on the Friday afternoon. It’s in the UK and we’re driving so no flights to catch.

My sister is stuck for childcare on the Friday and Saturday for work and for Saturday evening for a work event and can’t book annual leave. She has asked if we can have her children all day Friday til Sunday morning as the work event will go on late. Usually her children go to her MILs on Fridays and any weekends that she needs, but they can’t have them on those days. Her husband works away for months at a time so isn’t available. We do look after her children sometimes and my sister spends a lot of time here with us with her children.

I have said we can’t have them this time as we are going away on Friday afternoon. It gets more complicated as we are going away to our holiday home, so we could in her eyes, delay leaving until Sunday, which is what she has suggested. We have made plans though, we’ve booked restaurants and days out, and being honest, we can’t wait to get away.

She also suggested that we could take her kids with us and she would come to us on Sunday, stay for a night or two and then take them home as she can book some annual leave then. 🫠 We don’t want that though, we are all looking forward to getting away from everyone and everything. My children are teenagers and my sisters children are 3 and 5 so need lots of looking after.

I don’t feel that this is my problem but she is trying to make me feel guilty.

Would you delay your holiday, take them with you (definitely not even slightly considering that) or just say no like we have?

Mumsnet is really varied place. Just a few days ago there was a thread where posters claimed they would totally do several hour trips to ferry vaguely familiar neighbours around. Now people think you shouldn't inconvenience yourself even a bit for your sister and nieces.

I would give someone a lift like that if i didn’t have any prior plans or childcare issues.

I would not delay my holiday and cancel plans i had already made for my own kids.

Why should you ? It's not your problem ,Tough for sis are all true enough sentiments .However I just don't think id say no if work it out . I suppose id look at it differently if she takes the piss and is entitled or ungrateful over any of the help you give her but other than that it's 2 nights weather you take little ones with you or delay . Obviously you had paid for flights etc it's just a simple id love to help but can't .

I would not. At a push I'd leave Friday eve so I could have them Friday during the day but otherwise no - family holidays are sacred and she is putting you in a very difficult position and making you feel guilty which is awful of her. Surely she would have had better notice to sort something here? Her employer is very unreasonable if that wasn't the case.

Nope sorry my sister would never ask me to do that nor would I ask her. We often help each other out with childcare

To me, the most CF-ery thing is saying she & her kids will join you for part of the holiday. We all know that when there are little ones around their needs dominate the agenda and you are not at that stage of life anymore. Fine if you planned it, not if foisted upon you.

.One of the advantages of owning a holiday home is it gives you the ability to be flexible so if it were me I'd rearrange the restaurants and days out and help her out. I also really enjoy the company of little kids so I'd be happy to bring them with me.

HOWEVER , by the sounds of it, you just don't want to do either of those things so you don't need to make excuses or give explanations. Just say No, we don't want to change our plans. Tell her right away so she's got a few days to make arrangements.

How far away is the holiday home and how long are you going for?

Its fine to say no, but if it was a sensible solution I'd probably send my DH off with the teens, then follow Sunday morning after dropping the kids back off with her, or put them to bed at her house on Saturday night and you'd then be free to leave early doors Sunday if you wanted.

I don't see how you can take them with you, presumably you will have to have two car seats for those ages, so you wouldn't physically have the room, unless you split up and some take trains, two trips, but it's hard to advise without knowing logistics.

If it was my sister I'd do everything I can to help, but then she would for me in the same circumstances, neither of us take the piss, but if I couldn't help she would understand.

She wants to delay or saddle you with two small children on your holiday by 3 days and then invite herself on the next few days!? That is not reasonable behaviour. People go on holiday to get away from normal life, not to have more of the same!

I think I’d compromise and help her out on the Friday and just leave a few hours later. Anything more than that would be a no. Maybe the MIL could just do the Saturday at your sister’s house?

I'd have helped my sister out as she would just as equally have done the same for me. I'd probably have taken them with me and had her collect them, but made it clear I had plans in place so it wouldn't be possible for her to stay on for a few days.

Depends on how long you are going for - for 2 weeks plus yes I’d delay or tbh I’d take the kids with me

@TooHotForAnything
Just keep saying no
And be consistent about it
Do you really want to take care of unexpected little ones?
Who may not just your luck, this time "settle in/down"?
Then have your sister impose herself upon you
And for how long would that be??
Nannies are always available

Absolutely not for a work networking event - if it was a genuine emergency I would. She will have to either find alternative childcare or inform her work she is unable to attend.

I'd say yes to the Friday and travel later, with a no to the Saturday, as expectation to attend in her own time is different to mandatory.

No, I wouldn't. You've made plans, booked restaurants etc. I think your sister should feel a bit ashamed for expecting you to do that.

No I wouldn't. How come she can book leave straight after but not over that period?

Absolutely not. Where I do not think it’s unreasonable your sister asking you to help with childcare, I do however, think it’s unreasonable for your sister to ask you to rearrange your holiday plans. As for her work social event being good networking opportunity sadly she hasn’t childcare so she can not attend it really is that simple. You are right this is a ‘her’ problem not a ‘you’ problem. I imagine the fact she felt it ok to ask you to rearrange your holiday plans that you have previously bend over backwards to help her previously…..on this occasion you should stick with a firm no. As for her suggestion taking her kids with you and then she would come Sunday and then stay a couple of days again inappropriate it’s invading your personal family time. It would be a firm no from me

Something similar has happened to me Recently but with a neighbour. Her husband chooses to work away & could definitely get Work in our locale. She chooses to work (they have plenty of money) & struggles to look after 2 kids under 5 on her own.

my DH and I both have are full-time jobs and a child. After the sixth time of looking after her kids in what she called an emergency, but I call poor planning, I just said no.

In my opinion it is parental responsibility to be able to organise your jobs and your child care.

If your sister can’t manage then she shouldn’t have agreed to her husband Working away.

In my case I sent our neighbour the details of a local childminder and said sorry I can’t do any more child minding.

I think you are being lied to with her saying the networking opportunity at industry awards is essential. I’ve been to loads and it’s not, she just wants to have a drink and put a ball gown on .

She’ll have to ring in sick on the day of the event & blame a stomach bug, or just tell them that she has no one to look after her two kids.

If they have an event to go to on the Saturday night and DSis is working Fri and Sat but doesn't often work weekends, it may be that no-one can book leave for the Saturday ahead of the event.

Or that (because MIL was going to cover before plans changed owing to the building and the operation both moving) that there now aren't sufficient other people working on the Friday and Saturday for DSis to book. If it's around the time schools break up, then many of her colleagues may already be booked off.

Sounds like you generally have a good relationship with her so I would consider helping out. If it was easy enough to delay and still have the same length of holiday without taking up more annual leave (e.g. if you were coming back on the Friday but could come back on the Sunday) I would almost certainly delay and do it for her, though if it would be more convenient for me I'd look after them at her house and require her to come back on the Saturday straight after her event so I could go home and be ready earlier and with less hassle on the Sunday. Alternatively, especially since your DC have plans with others for the weekend, I'd take them with me and let her come pick them up on the Sunday but not stay over.

Many of us are single parents who work full time for years, never mind three months. I’ve done it for 16 years! Go in your holiday. She is being very unreasonable. She needs to tell work she can’t do it.

I would say no too. It’s a family holiday and this is not an emergency. She will stay home and look after her children, because that’s what us mums and dads do when childcare fails or kids get sick.

You haven’t said how long you’re away for but have implied it’s a few weeks. So personally I would probably take the two kids with us, look after them
for a couple of days and make firm plans with your sister for how long she’s allowed to stay when she picks them up. Ie. I’d probably say she’s welcome to stay overnight but must take them home on the Monday as you have been looking forward to this holiday and want to make the most of the peace.

In my family when I was a child we often went to stay with friends in the summer and they often had various other people staying over, sometimes with an additional child who was a last minute addition. One year we arranged to take the two children in that family home with us for a week but they had said yes to having someone else’s child for that week. So we said she could come with us and we put her up for the week. She’d never met us before we took her to our house. That kind of thing was just normal in our family.

That said, nothing was ever expected. Things were offered. If someone asked for childcare and I said no I wouldn’t be very impressed with being guilt tripped into it.

This. Her work social event doesn’t trump your holiday .