Would you delay a family holiday to provide childcare for siblings?

[TooHotForAnything]

We are going on holiday in early July. Our children break up on a Thursday and we plan to leave for our holiday on the Friday afternoon. It’s in the UK and we’re driving so no flights to catch.

My sister is stuck for childcare on the Friday and Saturday for work and for Saturday evening for a work event and can’t book annual leave. She has asked if we can have her children all day Friday til Sunday morning as the work event will go on late. Usually her children go to her MILs on Fridays and any weekends that she needs, but they can’t have them on those days. Her husband works away for months at a time so isn’t available. We do look after her children sometimes and my sister spends a lot of time here with us with her children.

I have said we can’t have them this time as we are going away on Friday afternoon. It gets more complicated as we are going away to our holiday home, so we could in her eyes, delay leaving until Sunday, which is what she has suggested. We have made plans though, we’ve booked restaurants and days out, and being honest, we can’t wait to get away.

She also suggested that we could take her kids with us and she would come to us on Sunday, stay for a night or two and then take them home as she can book some annual leave then. 🫠 We don’t want that though, we are all looking forward to getting away from everyone and everything. My children are teenagers and my sisters children are 3 and 5 so need lots of looking after.

I don’t feel that this is my problem but she is trying to make me feel guilty.

Would you delay your holiday, take them with you (definitely not even slightly considering that) or just say no like we have?

No I wouldnt but then my sister wouldnt ask or expect me to change anything, such a cheek, you need to put your own kids first

Has she not got a good friend or neighbour that will help out or has she used up all the goodwill? If the children attend the nursery, tell her to ask one of the staff of they will babysit at her home. That way, she knows staff are checked and the children know the staff already.
She will have to throw good money at the situation or else she phones in sick.

I think it's outrageous that she has asked you to postpone your holiday and then follows it up with an incredulous take them with you! As much as you love them as an aunty, it will cease to your family holiday and be about them and their routines, likes and bedtimes ages 3 and 5 are hard work.

Please take your holiday and kick this one back to your sister.

You do help out, but on this occasion you can’t. You have plans. She’s wrong to try and guilt trip you, that’s cheeky. If no one is available she will need to source and pay someone. Don’t feel bad. Given the type of event it is, and she doesn’t really want to go anyway, she could try and get out of it citing childcare issues I guess.

I don't blame your sister for asking for help from her usual supporters.

But given you've explained why it doesn't work for you then at that point she needs to try Plan B or C.
She needs day care Fri & Sat and then overnight care on the Sat (or she'll need to head home earlier than planned and just attend for a couple of hours). Nursery workers & agencies should be her next phone calls.

But then OP's whole family will be losing part of the holiday they've been looking forward to spending together. There's no reason to do that when there's no emergency. Of course OP would do that is DSis was taken seriously ill or something, but she just has a logistical problem she can solve in other ways.

It would depend on how long you were going away for bit of probably take hers with me but not let her stay the extra days.

You would put your sister above your husband and kids?

No, you're going on holiday. She needs to book an agency nanny if there's no other options available.

She chose to be in this situation. I wouldn't procreate with a man that is away for months on end, no matter how much money he brings in.
Send her a link to agency nannies who work weekends. She won't use it though - she wants what she knows, and for free.

If you had flights booked there would be no way of budging times and dates so I think that although she seems stuck taking the children with you is not an option.
It may help her get a plan b for the future if she is stuck again because if it happens once it will likely happen again.

I stand by that you should not give up your holiday, but just be warned, it could create tension. We had a similar situation with SIL Lwhere she wanted us to do school run (at a different school) because she didnt' like her ex picking their DC up for various reasons. We were sympathetic but we had to say no because it was completely ridiculous and she didn't take it well.

None of your updates mean that you should stay. She chooses this lifestyle, you don’t have to support it even if it is hard for her. It sounds like you do plenty to support her, this is your holiday and it’s fine to go - you don’t need to justify it and she’s out of order expecting you to

Unless she's getting an award (?), she doesn't HAVE to be there. I wouldn't delay my holiday to look after a three and five year old, lovely as they might be, they are hard work!

Normally I’m a big believer in helping people out. Not just family, but this would be a hard no from me. Way too much for your family to miss out on. I wouldn’t want my holiday gate crashed either. I would be quite cross at having been asked even if she is in a tight spot.

It all depends, my sister has helped me so much that would would go out my way to help her, she’s my best friend and would do it for me. She shouldn’t expect it or make you feel guilty though

I wouldn’t delay my holiday, no.
I would, however, take them with me if it were my nieces/nephews. But that’s just me, our family, my sisters would do it for me. That doesn’t mean that you would be in any way unreasonable to say no. Everyone is different, every family and situation is different. Also, my nieces and nephew are all close in age to my daughter (they are all 10-13) so they are good company for each other and in many ways it’s easier to have them all to entertain each other! But looking after two very little ones when you have teens is completely different. But maybe the teens would like having the wee ones around? Is there even room in your car?
Anyway, Yanbu to say no.

I think it is fine to say no.

But if you did want to help her out, to me the best compromise would be to take the children along with you and your sister staying a night or two when she comes to collect them - this way at least you don't delay your departure, your teenagers' plans can go ahead and as you say you will be staying in your holiday home a few weeks, looking after little ones just for the first couple of days is not such an inconvenience?

You're entitled to book your family holiday. You should not be expected to look after someone else's children in the circumstances you've outlined. An emergency is a different matter. This is not an emergency and no you should not change your plans. She shouldn't expect her own family and siblings to be back up in the summer when other people make plans and go on holidays. It's not bad timing. It's bad planning. Your sister should always have a back up. Presumably she knew about your holiday and your brother's. Frankly I think you are all wonderful to her. And she is guilt tripping you.

Your holiday is planned. She needs to take unpaid leave from work. Or sort it out in some other way. I wouldn't change my plans.

yes I would delay in this case, big networking events can be very important. But my sister would do the same for me.

Personally, if sure sister is not a CF, it doesn’t sound like she is, I would send your DH and teens on this holiday at the planned time. I would stay behind, look after the 3yo and 5yo and then give them back to her late Saturday evening and then drive up when you want. Personally I’d drive overnight on the Saturday so that the sum total of what you’d missed was just the Saturday, but your DH and dc would miss nothing.

no way would I entertain having toddlers spoil the holiday for the whole family by taking them along. Sisters suggestion of then staying on is also really selfish.

Go on your holiday as planned. She may 'prefer' to only use family as unpaid childcare but that's not fair or practical. They chose for her husband to earn a high salary being away so she needs to spend some of it on proper at-home minders.

You are right to say no, you have plans and your sister needs to respect that. She isn't asking anyone else to change their plans or come home from holiday, she is only trying to guilt trip you.

Ultimately her and her DH chose their lifestyle and working arrangements and if no-one in the family can help them, they need a backup plan.

She will have to tell her employer that she does not have any childcare. They may not like it, but they can't make her attend.

Enjoy your holiday, don't rearrange everything to suit her and don't take her DC with you

Your break is already planned. So it is a firm no. I would not change my plans. UNLESS you are the type of family where she will definitely help you out another time. Or has in the past.

Are you driving, and if so would you even have room for two toddlers with car seats?