Would you delay a family holiday to provide childcare for siblings?

[TooHotForAnything]

We are going on holiday in early July. Our children break up on a Thursday and we plan to leave for our holiday on the Friday afternoon. It’s in the UK and we’re driving so no flights to catch.

My sister is stuck for childcare on the Friday and Saturday for work and for Saturday evening for a work event and can’t book annual leave. She has asked if we can have her children all day Friday til Sunday morning as the work event will go on late. Usually her children go to her MILs on Fridays and any weekends that she needs, but they can’t have them on those days. Her husband works away for months at a time so isn’t available. We do look after her children sometimes and my sister spends a lot of time here with us with her children.

I have said we can’t have them this time as we are going away on Friday afternoon. It gets more complicated as we are going away to our holiday home, so we could in her eyes, delay leaving until Sunday, which is what she has suggested. We have made plans though, we’ve booked restaurants and days out, and being honest, we can’t wait to get away.

She also suggested that we could take her kids with us and she would come to us on Sunday, stay for a night or two and then take them home as she can book some annual leave then. 🫠 We don’t want that though, we are all looking forward to getting away from everyone and everything. My children are teenagers and my sisters children are 3 and 5 so need lots of looking after.

I don’t feel that this is my problem but she is trying to make me feel guilty.

Would you delay your holiday, take them with you (definitely not even slightly considering that) or just say no like we have?

Nope. What a cheek. Even if you have the holiday home, you still have the flights booked independently of that, and it's a lot of stress and planning travelling with children.

Sounds also like she's off on a jolly and wants you to delay for that. No.

No. I would not and it is a cheek to ask.

Your sister should not be imposing on you like this. I was single mum, and my brother was my only family member who lived local, I had to rope him in on the odd extreme emergency but could never imagine asking him to be a regular babysitter as he had his own kids, job etc.

Enjoy your holiday without being tied by your sister's needs and whims.

No way and she is cheeky for asking! Just because it’s a holiday home doesn’t mean you should cancel the bookings or change your plans. If I liked the kids I would consider taking them for a couple of days but I would tell sister in advance how much it will cost to add them to the trip (food, excursions etc.), they are not getting a free holiday 🙈

You don't have to look after your siblings children for whatever reason you fancy. You said sorry no so your sister shouldn't be pushing you further.
You already say you look after them at other points and your sister spends alot of time with you so I wouldn't feel guilty.

Youve kind of proved my point there, so common as to be ubiquitous….

I think the father should be involved in parenting his children. I think asking your sister to postpone her summer holiday to babysit for yours and your husband’s children is absolutely outrageous.

No I'd be telling her to fuck right off i can't believe she wants you to miss part of your holiday and money to look after her kid the absolute cheek of it

Sometimes people work overseas because they get paid more, which helps to support their family at home.

This isn’t the dad ‘not parenting his children’, there’s no further detail from OP but he might just be at work, something the couple have agreed on for financial reasons.

Women do it too, very common in poorer countries to help support their families (and children) at home.

Yes, in these circumstances I would if I did not have a plane/train tickets booked and does not cost anything. This is just two days, in our family it is normal to help each other in these situations.

Well I would do this, assuming it’s not the culmination of years of cheeky requests and you’re having to draw a line.

It sounds like normally she has cover (MIL) but on this occasion MIL’s not available, and it also sounds like an important event.

It’s going to be very difficult (and expensive) to find a babysitter willing to cover those hours with such young children.

Personally I would in these circumstances. That doesn’t mean you have to do though, obviously I don’t know all the ins and outs of your life with teenagers and what pressures you may be under, but for me delaying or changing restaurant bookings wouldn’t be a big deal.

I would say no.

This is fast approaching…when did she ask you?!

I would take the kids with me
You sound close
They are your niece/nephews

Yes it’s two little ones but how cool for them going with big cool teenage cousins - but on condition you get time back for a weekend away without teens when she can do

It’s your holiday home so not like a new place you were planning on exploring - presume you go often otherwise what’s the point in a holiday home.

Have you asked the teens?

No, it would be unfair to your teenagers to delay their holiday so that they can hang out with much younger cousins.

Tell your sister you have things booked for your children that aunt be suitable for hers.

No, you've made plans. She will have to book a babysitter. I might stretch to helping her on the Friday if you don't have something booked Friday night, but not the Saturday.

I would say no. Funny that she can take annual leave to have a couple of free nights away but not to look after her own kids.

This isn’t the dad ‘not parenting his children’, there’s no further detail from OP but he might just be at work, something the couple have agreed on for financial reasons.

You have a very different understanding of parenting to me. For me it involves being present in your children’s lives, day to day care, bringing them to activities, coaching their activities, working with their other parent in the difficult stuff. Earning money is a very small part of parenting and clearly the OP’s sister earns too and has all of the rest of life’s pressure on her.

I think comparing what women do in desperation and poverty (travel abroad to provide some kind of future and route out of poverty for her children) to what happens when western men (and that is almost only men who go abroad without children) is completely disingenuous.

Your sister needs to pay for childcare like the rest of us.

Thanks. The situation is as you describe. Her husband works offshore, 3 months away, 3 months at home. He is a good father and they made the decision for him to continue in his role because it’s well paid and the 3 months off at a time is great. They use a nursery and MIL is happy to help out, as are we, it’s just unfortunate that we all have other things going on this time.

Id just say no sorry your busy.

I respect the family decision for husband to work off shore it benefits the family financially and gives him 3 solid months to be present with his kids at a time. However it is lifestyle choice they have made for themselves and they can’t expect others to drop plans or pick up the slack in order to facilitate it. They need to make sure it is sustainable in a way that doesn’t rely on other people dropping holiday plans which might mean paying for more childcare.

If your sister has helped you in the past, and you generally have an equal relationship, I wouldn't mind helping her out in this instance. But, if the relationship is generally very one-sided, and you're always asked for help but the favours are never returned, I wouldn't change my holiday plans.

It's cheeky of her to expect that other people will drop everything to enable their decision to do something that benefits their family.

She needs to take the hit with work and say she absolutely can't attend - take dependents leave or say hospital stay or something but surely they know her husband works on the rigs so she's alone.

It'll make her seen as less dependable but that's life she has a partner who works that type of job. Work won't collapse if she's not there- there's other employees and it's not even a shift worker type of job, it's just a meal and networking! I think she just wants to go but you can't have it all.

We do help each other usually.

Our children have plans with friends they have there on Saturday and Sunday and they’re really looking forward to them. If we delay, they’ll miss out. If we take my sisters children with us, my kids could go ahead with their plans with friends, but my husband and I will be babysitting and will miss out on our plans which we have booked and some time together alone, which we don’t get often.

So they aren’t on the breadline and should be using paid childcare, not relying on family. What’s MIL doing that can’t be changed?

Poor planning on her part doesn’t constitute an emergency for you. If she is making you feel guilty, tell her to stop.