Would you delay a family holiday to provide childcare for siblings?

[TooHotForAnything]

We are going on holiday in early July. Our children break up on a Thursday and we plan to leave for our holiday on the Friday afternoon. It’s in the UK and we’re driving so no flights to catch.

My sister is stuck for childcare on the Friday and Saturday for work and for Saturday evening for a work event and can’t book annual leave. She has asked if we can have her children all day Friday til Sunday morning as the work event will go on late. Usually her children go to her MILs on Fridays and any weekends that she needs, but they can’t have them on those days. Her husband works away for months at a time so isn’t available. We do look after her children sometimes and my sister spends a lot of time here with us with her children.

I have said we can’t have them this time as we are going away on Friday afternoon. It gets more complicated as we are going away to our holiday home, so we could in her eyes, delay leaving until Sunday, which is what she has suggested. We have made plans though, we’ve booked restaurants and days out, and being honest, we can’t wait to get away.

She also suggested that we could take her kids with us and she would come to us on Sunday, stay for a night or two and then take them home as she can book some annual leave then. 🫠 We don’t want that though, we are all looking forward to getting away from everyone and everything. My children are teenagers and my sisters children are 3 and 5 so need lots of looking after.

I don’t feel that this is my problem but she is trying to make me feel guilty.

Would you delay your holiday, take them with you (definitely not even slightly considering that) or just say no like we have?

My sister is older than me and so are her kids. Mine are younger and she would have taken them with her as the older cousins will take care of mine. My sis has 2 girls while I have a girl and a younger boy. She has done this for me in the past for day trips but definitely not something I would suggest. I only agreed as she was sure it wouldn’t be a hassle. I was scared my son would be difficult as at the time he was 3 years old. Only do what works for you!

I think it's very cheeky that she hasn't even tried to minimise the ask. Chances are her nursery has space on Fridays as most aren't full that day. She could clearly miss the evening event too

But she's not even tried, just turned the whole problem onto you. That's what would piss me off and not want to help.

OP has said MIL wants to be at home to recover from the operation and to keep an eye on the builders

I think I'd rather reluctantly take them with me.
Of course they would need to be collected as soon as possible.

And she owes you one!

No! I wouldn’t change my plans to accommodate! And I certainly wouldn’t take the children away with me, how would you all fit into one vehicle for a start……unless you have a 7 seater or the like!
Tell sister to put her hand in her pocket and pay for two days childcare.

Has she tried asking the nursery if any of them will babysit? Some of the staff at our sons nursery are willing to babysit sometimes at weekends/evenings

I would suggest you offer on the Friday but make it clear you have plans on the Saturday so can't have them then or take them with you and she will need to find a childminder or nanny who can do the Saturday. She is just going to have to pay. Atleast she will have someone she can rely on in the future as well then. Try childcare.com for childcare options

You say the kids go to nursery, but the eldest isnt settled with strangers. Would asking one of the nursery staff be possible? The one where ours went when little were always keen for extra babysitting work.

I would.

I might be overly cynical but I expect when you say no, she will do nursery on Friday and manage to get Saturday as leave

It’s very convenient that she can take annual leave next week so they can all join you on your holiday but can’t take time or rearrange any of her work plans for Friday or the weekend!

They have made a decision for her husband to work away for months on end (which I’m sure he is adequately remunerated for). It shouldn’t be down to guilt-tripping the women in their family into falling over backwards to ensure none of HER plans have to change!

It is completely reasonable to say that you cannot help out on this occasion. Her preference not to use childcare does not trump your holiday arrangements.

It's expected that she attend but on this occasion her childcare has fallen through. Tough luck on mgmt. They'll cope.

Paid for childcare is the only option here and frankly she should have back up in place other than her MIL especially if her son is tricky with strangers. It's in her interests to ensure that she regularly goes out / has a third party she can rely on to some extent.

If she is very nervous and MIL is agreeable then the childcare could be supervised by MIL but that's a bit ask post surgery and with tradespeople around the house may be a bit hazardous for a 3yo.

Hi Sis, we can’t have your kids as we’ve got things booked that we can’t change.

Rinse and repeat. Don’t apologise and don’t offer a half way house. This is your holiday and you have planned for this.

Your sister’s situation sounds difficult but with her husband working away, she needs to sort out childcare that can be a backup to family helping out so much.

Sometimes in the summer it is very easy to get extra days for your children at nursery as many families go on holiday. That would be OK for the Friday and a babysitter for the Saturday. I agree about asking the nursery workers.

This. Your teenagers and family time are as important as her work events.

It's actually handy that you have things booked with their friends, as it's a cast iron reason why you can't take the little ones along with you. She as their mum will have to take the hit, as so many of us have had to do on occasion.

I assume the 5 year old is at school and would normally be picked up from there by MIL? As it sounds like OP’s teens are breaking up slightly early. Hopefully there is an after school club with the same Friday space though

@TooHotForAnything Agree with this. This is a choice not a necessity. sounds like they could afford to pay for temporary childcare. 3 and 5 year olds are probably the hardest ages so you're not unreasonable at all not to take them along with you.

I think it's absolutely fine to say no. You do not owe her childcare. But in your shoes I would be following the suggestion of taking her kids with you and letting her bring them back after one night. You don't have to do this obviously. I definitely wouldn't be delaying going for her. Do you ever get help/support from her for anything?

Emergency nanny childcare exists but is painfully expensive. Could you consider subsidising it?

Yes, but other people realise that they have to work locally, for less money, so that they can cover their own childcare.
It's not everyone else's responsibility to prop them up, so that they can earn big bucks.

I would delay.

DSis needs to ask for parental leave or ring in sick.

Is the sister offering to subsidise OP losing part of her holiday or changing to take younger kids? I suspect not.

I’d maybe offer to set off later on the Friday after she’s home from work but the Saturday day and night would be an absolute no.

I too would do it in an emergency . This is not one - she has prior notice about it.

It is irrelevant that you do not need to be anywhere at a set time. It is the principle.

She needs a contingency plan.

You have been very kind to her with your time , but the issue is people like this take it for granted and EXPECT it.

I know people like this - they expect others to adapt their plans for them.
P take !

It's a her problem, not yours.

HTH :)

Well done for saying no op. Your own kids matter too.

Yes parenting solo for 3 months must be awful, but it is a choice they made. No way would I agree to that in my family.