Would you delay a family holiday to provide childcare for siblings?

[TooHotForAnything]

We are going on holiday in early July. Our children break up on a Thursday and we plan to leave for our holiday on the Friday afternoon. It’s in the UK and we’re driving so no flights to catch.

My sister is stuck for childcare on the Friday and Saturday for work and for Saturday evening for a work event and can’t book annual leave. She has asked if we can have her children all day Friday til Sunday morning as the work event will go on late. Usually her children go to her MILs on Fridays and any weekends that she needs, but they can’t have them on those days. Her husband works away for months at a time so isn’t available. We do look after her children sometimes and my sister spends a lot of time here with us with her children.

I have said we can’t have them this time as we are going away on Friday afternoon. It gets more complicated as we are going away to our holiday home, so we could in her eyes, delay leaving until Sunday, which is what she has suggested. We have made plans though, we’ve booked restaurants and days out, and being honest, we can’t wait to get away.

She also suggested that we could take her kids with us and she would come to us on Sunday, stay for a night or two and then take them home as she can book some annual leave then. 🫠 We don’t want that though, we are all looking forward to getting away from everyone and everything. My children are teenagers and my sisters children are 3 and 5 so need lots of looking after.

I don’t feel that this is my problem but she is trying to make me feel guilty.

Would you delay your holiday, take them with you (definitely not even slightly considering that) or just say no like we have?

It's not bad timing. It's bad planning. Your sister should always have a back up.

What has changed recently is that MIL’s operation was pulled forward and her building work was pushed backwards. The back ups are usually OP or DBro but both already have plans.

Honestly, most of us do not/did not have a foolproof back up plan for every day we need to work, especially if we have a child who isn’t comfortable with a friend doing a bit of babysitting. DSis should ideally reach out to one of the nursery staff re ad hoc childcare, but it’s no guarantee on any given day that the staff member would be free.

This is not an excuse for DSis pressuring OP, though!

she can book a nanny. They can be really good. I have had to use back up care in the past and it was always excellent. Incl an over night nanny to cover some business trips when ExH was unavailable. Actually not a bad price either.

and almost always skilled at working with kids who are anxious or SEN or whatever.

where is she based? If local to me I would recommend the agency i use.

When you say you can't help she responds by suggesting something which is even more difficult and inconvenient for you!
I think you have to be polite but firm; sorry we won't be doing that, etc.

can you send the family and join them later? then your DC won't miss out. You are going for several weeks you say, a little delay should not ruin the entire holiday.

How long are you going away for? Cutting a one week holiday short would be different to cutting a three week holiday short.

It sounds like you have a good relationship and she’s not generally a user. I think it’s fair not to change your holiday plans. And if your kids have made plans but you can get her kids to your holiday home I’d be keen to offer a middle ground. Maybe take her kids for fri - Sunday and say she can collect them on Sunday and stay for some part of the day but not further. This helps her although perhaps isn’t her ideal so gives her motivation to see if she can find a better offer whilst still offering her a solution if she’s really really stuck without impacting you too much ie you still get away on schedule and kids keep their plans.

No, don’t do it. That’s not a fair ask. Just tell her what you told us. You’ve made plans you can’t wait to go. It really isn’t fair of her to ask.

If the husband is paid well for working offshore, they can use some of his earnings towards a nanny or formal childcare service for the few days in question.

Your personal response to your sister only needs to be "That doesn't work for us, sorry".

I would consider taking the little ones with me if the rest of the family were asked first and whether they would all help. If they weren't keen then I don't think I could do it.
I'd be fending my sister off while discussing with the family how we might be able to help if at all. I wouldn't tell my sister a yes until or unless the rest of my family were in agreement.

I think it's a huge ask from your sister though and you shouldn't feel obliged.

is the evening thing in a hotel? if so could the kids go with her and be looked after by a hotel babysitter?

Nope
if your kids were similar ages to hers and got on and they weren’t any trouble I might have offered to take with me but that doesn’t sound practical

Don’t feel bad, your sister chose a job that means she needs weekend care; she chooses not to use a babysitter.

The brother is on holiday and said no; you are on holiday so say No.

Are both MILs widowed? Why can’t granddad help?

If wrk is happening in the house kids can be upstairs with grandad.

This is not your fault and you don’t need to feel guilty

ps I’d think differently if there was a crisis eg her dh was in hospital or something
but it’s basically poor planning on her part

regarding the industry event presumably it’s been in the diary for a while. If not she should push back to her bosses and say she can’t go

Don't delay.

For friday she should contact usual nursery. Most have lots of space on Fridays due to parents having the day off. With the time of year there will likely also be some off on holiday. Most would let you add the day, she will just have to pay for it.

Saturday she's gonna have to call off work or stump up for a babysitter.

In this case it would be a no and to be honest I would feel a bit weird about her asking for you to push your holidays.

I think the obvious/easiest solution is that she needs to pay for childcare.

It’s really cheeky of her to have asked. I think the only reasonable time to even ask such a thing would be for a major medical issue.

No, dont amend your holiday plans in any way. Up to her to make her own arrangements for her own children!

Personally I’d love to take her kids with me - that would be fun for a couple days.
BUT youd be under no obligation to do so and shouldn’t feel guiltyz

Oh god, don’t take the kids with you. That’s two more beds to make up,then their mother coming, too. Just the thought of wrestling with all the sheets and sorting out the laundry would put me off, never mind having to look after two little kids instead of going out for a lovely, grown up dinner.

I know you have decided to say no..

Can you send your DH and kids to holiday home so your kids don't miss out.. and ask sister if she and her husband can look after your kids so you and your husband can have a weekend away another time?

And.. ask her to pay for any bookings you and DH have made that you will miss out on..

For my sister, I'd agree to take the DC with me, but she wouldn't ask unless she was desperate and she'd do the same for me.

Can MIL have them at sisters house. You are not being unreasonable she will have to sort it out herself

As a compromise I would offer to delay your holiday by one day and have her children on the Friday.

But the Saturday is a complete No No - especially as she wants cover for them in the evening too.

Just say no OP - don’t miss out on something you have planned and are looking forward too. You are allowed to want to enjoy your time , in your own life.

No