Would you delay a family holiday to provide childcare for siblings?

[TooHotForAnything]

We are going on holiday in early July. Our children break up on a Thursday and we plan to leave for our holiday on the Friday afternoon. It’s in the UK and we’re driving so no flights to catch.

My sister is stuck for childcare on the Friday and Saturday for work and for Saturday evening for a work event and can’t book annual leave. She has asked if we can have her children all day Friday til Sunday morning as the work event will go on late. Usually her children go to her MILs on Fridays and any weekends that she needs, but they can’t have them on those days. Her husband works away for months at a time so isn’t available. We do look after her children sometimes and my sister spends a lot of time here with us with her children.

I have said we can’t have them this time as we are going away on Friday afternoon. It gets more complicated as we are going away to our holiday home, so we could in her eyes, delay leaving until Sunday, which is what she has suggested. We have made plans though, we’ve booked restaurants and days out, and being honest, we can’t wait to get away.

She also suggested that we could take her kids with us and she would come to us on Sunday, stay for a night or two and then take them home as she can book some annual leave then. 🫠 We don’t want that though, we are all looking forward to getting away from everyone and everything. My children are teenagers and my sisters children are 3 and 5 so need lots of looking after.

I don’t feel that this is my problem but she is trying to make me feel guilty.

Would you delay your holiday, take them with you (definitely not even slightly considering that) or just say no like we have?

Well, I gave two other suggestions if that one is unworkable.

Parents across the country will be having to alter their working situations this week due to hot weather, that’s what happens in tricky situations. The sister needs to tell her employers that her childcare has fallen through and take annual leave, parental/carers leave, unpaid leave-whatever is available.

She should be absolutely be cancelling going to a works award ceremony before pressurising her sister to ruin her holiday so she can attend.

I agree that she should not be pressuring her DSis. To ask once is fine, to be told no and keep pushing is not.

Stand firm @TooHotForAnything those weekend plans alone with your husband are important.
Agree that it is unfair for them to decide that him working away for 3 months at a time is ok, when it impacts on others around them.

If you had booked a holiday abroad, would she also expect you to cancel/postpone it to look after her kids? She'd have to make other arrangements then, she just sees you as the easy option. And yes, I agree she's angling for a free short break as well.

It seems most people think it’s ok to say no so I’m not going to change our plans. I still feel bad for her though as 3 months solo parenting whilst working full time must be hard. Thanks everyone, just needed a sense check.

I still feel bad for her though as 3 months solo parenting whilst working full time must be hard.

It is what her and her husband have chosen, no need to feel bad for her.

Her and her DH’s jobs are not compatible. They need to sort that themselves, rather than burdening everyone else. Cannot believe she’s suggested you taking her young DC away with your teenagers.

She only manages to avoid having to make any changes as she relies on everyone else, thats not sustainable.

Best she learns now.

At a push I’d do Friday and head off later, but no to Saturday, she has to find an alternative if her husband is away so much, you can’t guilt family into always stepping in.

I'd say sorry no. Family hoilidays are important.

Of course it must be difficult, but she/they can't expect you to change your plans so you can babysit and she can go to her work Do,

This. The great thing about being a grown up is you get to choose stuff, the less great bit is you have to suck up the consequences.

Unfortunately for your SIL I would also say no on the basis that plans have been made / restaurants booked, teens have plans with friends, why should they miss out?

Sounds like this networking event is one of those that looks good to attend, but in reality is just a work night out.

She will have to call in babysitters or suck it up and not go.

She can't attend if she can't get childcare. Don't let her make this your problem.

They chose the high salary : they need to work out the solutions. Sounds like they rely on family too much as it is. I hope their parents are rewarded for all the childcare they help out with.

I wondered if one of your teenagers staying at their aunt's for a couple of days might have been an option? She could pay them for childcare, they earn some money and come on train on Sunday. However, you say they have plans with friends for the weekend. I don't think she's wrong to ask but you're not wrong to say no.

It isn’t just the work event, it is work on Friday and Saturday as well (because MIL, who usually does Fridays, is not available given she has builders and has just had an op).

I still think DSis is being unreasonable but she’s not solely asking to be able to go on a work do.

She prefers not to leave the children with babysitters and doesn’t go out much socially.

This jumps out at me. You help regularly, as does your brother and your MIL becuase she "prefers" not to leave the children. That's fine, normally. But in this case, it's not convenient. You, your DH and your DC have all made plans for this holiday and it's totally reasonable that you don't change your plan accordingly. She will have to suck it up and pay for childcare.

I'd suggest she speak to the nursey staff and see if one of them would be willing ot step in.

They chose these working patterns and there are huge advantages. She isn’t solo parenting - she has a partner who is contributing hugely by earning good money, the burden of the entire house is not falling solely on her shoulders.

No. It doesn't work for you. Her husband needs to get home for the weekend.

Then she gets 3mths of dh being Around 100% and prob has a great time

im a solo parent - I do it all by myself - that’s life sadly sometimes

your sister needs to build up a network of Nannie’s /babysitter's so that her and child esp gets used to other people

I don't doubt it is hard, but remember, this is a choice they made.

She prefers not to leave children with babysitters?

Why would she, when she can keep pressurising family members into doing it unpaid!

I don’t think you should have to change your plans because presumably she wouldn’t expect you to cancel flights etc if that was the case?
Having said that, it would maybe also depend on whether I was just going away for a week, or whether it was for a month. If it’s the latter, would it be feasible for your DH and kids to go as planned on Friday and then you follow on Sunday? That would be very generous of you though!
I think she’s just got to tell her work that she hasn’t got any childcare 🤷🏻‍♀️

I don’t think you should have to change your plans because presumably she wouldn’t expect you to cancel flights etc if that was the case?

Quite. I've read the OP's update, saying she isn't going to rearrange her plans, which is good, because otherwise - where do you draw the line?

For my sister I would. I would want to help her. The fact that you won’t be out of pocket or have to change condition bookings makes it easier. My dh would prob moan about it though. Has your sister been helpful to you in the past?
the other alternative is your dh goes with your kids, you stay behind and look after the kids in their own home.