Would you delay a family holiday to provide childcare for siblings?

[TooHotForAnything]

We are going on holiday in early July. Our children break up on a Thursday and we plan to leave for our holiday on the Friday afternoon. It’s in the UK and we’re driving so no flights to catch.

My sister is stuck for childcare on the Friday and Saturday for work and for Saturday evening for a work event and can’t book annual leave. She has asked if we can have her children all day Friday til Sunday morning as the work event will go on late. Usually her children go to her MILs on Fridays and any weekends that she needs, but they can’t have them on those days. Her husband works away for months at a time so isn’t available. We do look after her children sometimes and my sister spends a lot of time here with us with her children.

I have said we can’t have them this time as we are going away on Friday afternoon. It gets more complicated as we are going away to our holiday home, so we could in her eyes, delay leaving until Sunday, which is what she has suggested. We have made plans though, we’ve booked restaurants and days out, and being honest, we can’t wait to get away.

She also suggested that we could take her kids with us and she would come to us on Sunday, stay for a night or two and then take them home as she can book some annual leave then. 🫠 We don’t want that though, we are all looking forward to getting away from everyone and everything. My children are teenagers and my sisters children are 3 and 5 so need lots of looking after.

I don’t feel that this is my problem but she is trying to make me feel guilty.

Would you delay your holiday, take them with you (definitely not even slightly considering that) or just say no like we have?

I don’t think she was cheeky to ask, I do think she was cheeky not to take no for an answer. She will have to miss the work event if she can’t find a friend or other relative.

OP, your responsibility is to your own family. If your DC are teens, there won’t be that many more holiday opportunities with them - and it’s not fair to make your DC miss out on already planned activities. It may be difficult for your sister, but you are not available to babysit at the time she wants. Is it not possible for her to pay a childminder/babysitter? If you were off abroad, she wouldn’t be suffering you cancel your flights. Sorry, but I think your DSis is being unreasonable, trying to guilt you into delaying your holiday.

There are lots of alternative options available but she will have to pay.

This is basically the answer. Her DH works away because it is well paid - the flip side of that is that they can throw some money at this problem. You would normally help - but you’re on holiday (just as her MIL would normally help, but is also busy). She needs to find an alternative.

I think you just need to go with a hard “sorry but we can’t help this time” the more you try to explain why it’s a problem the more she will try and offer solutions to make it sound like you could do it.

I imagine she wouldn't do the same for you, she is asking you to distrupt your children for her children, she doesn't care really, it is up to you but if it was me It would be an immediate no.

An industry award on a Saturday evening ? Not absolutely impossible but highly unlikely.

Hold firm here TooHotForAnything - I've been hanging around these boards too long maybe but I can see you being stuck with your niblings all week if you take them with you

Depends on how long your holiday is.
If a week or so, asking you to skip two days is definitely not fair.

If her husband works away because it means more money, they should be able to use the money to finance a but of childcare when he is away.

Wouldn’t even consider it, and I think she’s quite cheeky for asking (especially the suggestion that you take two young children with you)

Yes agree with this. Also a bit cheeky to suggest you take such small children on a holiday with you.
at that age they need a lot of looking after. Just say no, she can book a babysitter for a one off.

you all have plans and it’s not convenient.

No I wouldn't in those circumstances. Personally I've had to restrict my work opportunities to fit in with when normal childcare is available (i.e. not weekends or evenings), and most parents have to do that. I would see it as her boosting her career and earning power at my expense whilst using me as unpaid childcare.

Someone needs to do these jobs. They can’t all be done by young, single people with no kids. Working offshore is a valid choice when you have children, but you have to have a plan for childcare. My dad worked offshore for a time when he came out of the Army. I’d argue we had more quality time with him during the times he was on leave than we did when he was working a standard job. He was there all day, every day, he did the cooking and the cleaning, took us to clubs etc. It was particularly good in the school holidays because we didn’t have to go to holiday clubs or stay with relatives or any of that stuff when he was home. We had a brilliant relationship with him because we didn’t just see him for an hour before we went to bed at night. My mum worked school hours, but we had grandparents who lived close so we could go there if she needed time away, and had a few older kids who babysat sometimes.

I agree that you need to consider your own family and say as a poster above suggested, ‘sorry, but we can’t help this time’.

Also, this will happen again in the future, you need to set a boundary now or you will be her first port of call every time, no matter what your own plans are.

It must be somewhat unusual to have one parent working away for 3 months and the other with weekend hours, though.

Does MIL typically do day to day childcare?

I would possibly help on the Friday if you’re not leaving till Friday afternoon

Equally traffic Friday afternoon is the worst time to go so I would leave Friday morning personally

It’s lovely that you help out normally, but you have plans holiday plans which are very important

It must be hard that has been being away three months at a time, but he’s also earning a very good salary for that

So you’ll have to pay for Childcare she can ask about her local Facebook group or use an any AGENCY and get a temporary NANNY

Do not take them on holiday with you it is totally different ball game having small toddlers and Teenagers

They do use a nursery for most of the week, just MIL every Friday and then MIL or us at weekends when needed, which isn’t often. My brother also is usually around to help but he will also be on holiday from the end of June til mid July. It’s just really bad timing that none of us are around on the dates she needs. She prefers not to leave the children with babysitters and doesn’t go out much socially. Her oldest child has some additional needs and can be very unsettled and anxious with people he doesn’t know well. He’s absolutely fine with us. The childcare she uses and asks for is mainly for work. MIL is having some work carried out on her house, which was meant to be done this week but has been delayed. My sisters MIL is having a minor operation on the Wednesday before so will need some time to recover and understandably doesn’t want to have little kids around for that. As far as I know it was planned for the end of July but she’s taken a cancellation date.

No OP you are looking forward to this break and you have plans. Just because you arent going abroad or because the plans don’t involve going to a wedding or a life event type of thing still doesn’t mean that you aren’t really looking forward to them. Stick to your guns and think of your own DC and indeed yourselves. Your sister is being a CF. Nothing wrong with wanting your own family time. The DC will finish school and ye will be excited getting packed and ready to hit the road the next day. That’s such a lovely feeling .

She wouldn’t lie. If she just wanted to go out she would tell me, but she doesn’t go out much at all. She’s is not the partying type.

eta, it has crossed our minds that she may say she could stay for a whole week and we really don’t want that. She’s lovely, we get on well and we adore her children, but we want a break from everything for a few weeks.

Just say sorry but we have plans and stuff booked in that wouldn’t be suitable for dns

So she cancels her awards event or you cancel part of your holiday? It really is a no brainer. Of course you shouldn't cancel part of your holiday. She is being selfish. She just needs to say she has no childcare.

MIL is having some work carried out on her house, which was meant to be done this week but has been delayed.

Can't she let the work continue and stay with the children at the sister's home?

If you are comfortable saying no, good for you.
If you wanted to show cooperation, could you offer having them on Friday and leaving Friday really late? With teens it doesn't have to be a problem and the road will be better than in tbe middle of the afternoon.
Than MIL would cover just one day with the work on her house.

Your sister has childcare problems, they shouldn’t impact on your holiday!

Frankly her attitude here is poor-she is emotionally blackmailing you when she should be saying she can’t come to the do on Saturday night and should be asking her husband back, paying babysitters or taking leave on the other days.

To ask you to take her kids with you in holiday (thus ruining all of your plans) and then she’ll come up, take a few days annual leave (why can’t she take the Friday off and this whole problem would be solved?!) and come and invade more of your holiday herself, suggests she is a bit of a piss taker!

Why would she think you’d love to spend your family holiday with her and her young kids-sounds like she just wants you to help with looking after them! How relaxing for you…

She can’t ask her DH back @Shinyandnew1 - he’s working away for 3 months, presumably oil rig, armed forces or similar.

I think she just wants to be at home by herself when the work is going on without the kids around because the operation is really minor and shouldn’t really impact her looking after the kids. I think that is fair enough, having tradespeople in can be stressful.

Why can't the inlaws babysit at her house ? Sorry just read there is surgery involved, never mind.