Thoughts on this conversation

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We went to a party for our friends parents at the weekend, had a lovely time, lots of people we knew were there and others who we hadn’t met before.

I got chatting to 3 women and did the usual polite conversation and asking how they knew the hosting couple. The conversation moved on to work and what each of us did. Two worked, one was a SAHM with young children and I told them what my job was before I had children but that I hadn’t gone back to work.

One asked how old my children were, I told them. (20, 17 and 15). She said ‘so you must be going to go back to work soon the after all that time off’ which I found a bit passive aggressive, but just said that I wasn’t going to return to work as I liked being home and didn’t need to go back.

One of the other women changed the subject to talk about a song that was playing but the other woman continued to talk to me. She said ‘so what do you actually do all day?’ I said I take my middle and youngest kids to and from school but other than that, my time is mostly my own.

I said something about the food coming out soon to try to change the subject again, one of the other women said she was hungry so she hoped so, but the woman continued with, ‘what do you do between picking up your children? I said anything I fancy and listed a few things like going running, looking after our animals (we have our own and we foster dogs), cooking, gardening, seeing friends etc.

She asked ‘so do you class yourself as a SAHM then?’ I said I didn’t really think about it, I suppose so, but that my husband jokes I’m just retired. The other 2 women laughed, one said she wished she was retired but had 20 years work left yet.

The other woman continued talking to me saying ‘I don’t really think you can class yourself as a SAHM when your children are teenagers, by that point you just don’t work’. 😬😅

The other 2 looked shocked and I was getting a bit fed up of her questioning and said I wasn’t aware there was a cut off age, but I don’t really feel strongly about how I’m categorised and being classed as not working is fine by me. The other women laughed. The woman still continued saying something about how she feels it’s important to have a more in your life than children, which I did find quite rude. I said that it’s a good job I have lots of other things in my life then, made my excuses and went to find my husband.

One of the other women found me later on with my husband and said that the other woman was a very full on and we had a laugh at the awkwardness of the conversation.

Would you have found the questioning as strange as we did? It didn’t feel like nice chatty conversation like you have at parties. What would you have said? Do people really care if others don’t return to work? Would you actually question someone as much as this? I felt like I needed a lie down afterwards. 😂

She was rude but I think some of this may have been caused by the way the conversation started/ the information was presented.

You saying you didn't go back after kids does out you mentally into the SAHM category. I think she was then surprised by their ages and her mouth ran away.

I would agree with her that you aren't a SAHM in the sense it is understood anymore. Perhaps if you'd just said 'I'm lucky enough not to need to work' she'd have got it quicker.

I'm not saying this is your fault, you are not obliged to explain anything. Just trying to offer an explanation to her thought processes.

Is she in the thick of younger children? I suspect there is a degree of jealousy underlying her questioning and it felt rude because it was.

The woman was strangely persistent, beyond the expression of a polite interest, making everyone in the conversation uneasy. It reads more like passive aggression motivated by jealousy.

She definitely has a bee in her bonnet about what other people do with their time. As do a few posters on here.

Yeah too right, why work if you don't have to?!

You are considerably nicer than me. I'd be launching my counteroffensive with 'why does my not being in paid employment offend you so much?' then moving on to 'is there anything in your life apart from work?'. Sometimes, fighting fire with fire can be fun - but I'm a bit of a bastard that way.

Why though when she is financially secure? She doesn't need a job.

Some people just can’t understand the concept of filling your time with….. enjoying yourself. If they’re not working, looking after children, or doing household chores, they genuinely don’t know what to do with themselves. These kind of people say things like they wouldn’t want to retire early because they’d be bored. Personally if they’d rather be at work than pursuing hobbies then they’re ones with problems, not you! Keeping enjoying yourself, whether you call yourself a SAHM, a housewife, retired, unemployed, or whatever else!

I think it’s only natural for her to wonder what you do all day, but not great social etiquette to keep pestering you about it.

I have a male friend who sold his company years ago for millions. He hasn’t worked since, just dabbles on the stock market. I often ask him what he does all day! The answer is mostly, other than go to the gym, not a lot! At some point he’ll start something new I guess.

I have another friend who was a SAHM but kids are now nearly off to uni. Her DH is very wealthy and she doesn’t need to work. I don’t ask her what she does all day because I know she is bored to tears, very lonely and a bit lost.

If you are genuinely happy with how you fill your days you could have just told her all about your dog fostering, how that takes a lot of your time, how you love you garden and that takes up a lot of your time, and just generally shared what your passionate about.

You were basically indicating that your household has enough assets for you not to work , ever again , and you added on here that your DH doesn't have to either. That is very different from a couple agreeing to manage on one salary while the children are small, which is what a SAHP often means. I should think that the woman was pushing you to say that you are rich enough not to work. Of course it's not her business, but if she would like more time with her own kids, she might have felt envious and also angry at you not just saying it.

I think in future if anyone asks what you do you should say you foster animals which is clearly one thing that takes up a lot of your time and is probably going to ignite more interesting questions than what you do with your time all day.

We’re obsessed by what people do for a job in the UK. “What do you do?” In the UK means what job do you do. In other countries “what do you do” means what hobbies or sports or interests do you have.

People in the UK just can’t handle someone not having an answer to “what do you do”. It’s cultural and it’s bonkers. I never ask what people do for a job as it isn’t important to me.

No one goes to a party expecting to have to justify their life choices.

Was the guest who was quizzing you the one who was currently a SAHM with young children or one of the two who was currently working?

I wouldn't say I derived myself worth from my very meagre salary, but it makes me interesting and interested. We see so often on here examples when women give up their jobs and their husband has an affair with a younger model and they're left with nothing. I have to start a career at 50.
I love my job -it's really fun

I remember having these sort of conversations when dc were in primary school.

“What do you do all day”

Had to point out that their version of all day was between the hours of 6.30am -6.30pm and had to answer honestly that for the majority of that time I was either looking after dc, delivering them to school or parked up waiting for them to come out of school. Apparently this wasn’t sufficient information

Went through my day and was left with
1.5 hours free to tend to my eBay site and go to the supermarket etc and the rest of the time I just wasted
I definitely saved more than I could earn

I would turn the tables and ask them if it was worth paying out for childcare, travel, clothes, lunches, coffee etc to enable them to work and how much per month they were left with given all the money spent on getting them into work each day instead of them being a SAHM

Think it was always a negative amount. (One had worked it out as £45 per month).

A few talked about putting children in boarding school because of how little they were going to be at home and would be concentrating on their careers and so would earn more.
It seemed to come as a surprise that even with pay rises and promotions, school fees would still eat up the equivalent of their personal income and their joint income would remain relatively static.

And by the time children were standing on their own 2 feet they would be nearing retirement themselves

I know that within a few years most of these women had given up the big job and were feeling more affluent

I bet the SAHM to the younger children was breathing a sigh of relief that you were there because she would have got the 3rd degree instead

Yeah, but come on everyone looks at women who have teenagers and don't work and think they're a bit weird

You might not realise this, but they do

I am happy to have been weird.

Outliers are always interesting.

Yeah. That supermarket trip and yoga class

But the woman didn’t have the sensitivity or social nous to realise (as the other two women did) that her questioning was becoming unwelcome to the OP. She was only concerned with her own opinions and interest in the subject, and either didn’t see or didn’t care about anything beyond that.

I would have been thinking the same as the questioner - but I wouldn't have been rude enough to launch on an interrogation like that. Surely the point is that the questioner was clearly showing disapproval of OP's lifestyle, and making OP uncomfortable, when it was none of her business.

I think someone with older children, and simply not working, is an alien concept to a large proportion of people. However, to keep questioning you, regarding, what is your own business and choice is rude. Perhaps she hasn't ever come across someone in your position before?

Yes, a large portion of couples both HAVE to work, there is no choice in the matter but there are people like yourself, who don't. Clearly your husband earns a decent salary, that means you don't need to work, even part-time.

I'm sure if you were bored out of your brains, and wanted to work, you could do so! You use your time, by fostering animals, which is so worthwhile and you can dedicate more time to it, because you don't work.

No matter what women do: work full-time, work part-time, SAHM then goes back to work or doesn't work at all..someone will always have an opinion on which ever option someone chooses. Ultimately, if your choice of not working suits you, and your family's situation and your husband is onboard, then it's no one else's business.

She was rude but not wrong. You are just unemployed.

That said isn't that a dream, not to work and be paid for? Wish I could potter around all day, we are just jealous really. I'd never make a good housewife though. I like earning my own money too much.

She was very rude as are the pp who think you should explain yourself. Fair enough to ask once but then drop it. I'm retired and can happily spend all day colouring in and watching TV, someone did try judging me for not volunteering or spending every day cleaning something. I don't have to so I don't.

If I'd been able to not work without claiming benefits I absolutely would have.

Well she was rude and intrusive, as most PPS have said. If you don't want or need to do paid work you'd be making yourself miserable and taking a job from someone who DOES want and need it - what's the point in that?

Yes rude, the questions were what was rude.