Thoughts on this conversation

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We went to a party for our friends parents at the weekend, had a lovely time, lots of people we knew were there and others who we hadn’t met before.

I got chatting to 3 women and did the usual polite conversation and asking how they knew the hosting couple. The conversation moved on to work and what each of us did. Two worked, one was a SAHM with young children and I told them what my job was before I had children but that I hadn’t gone back to work.

One asked how old my children were, I told them. (20, 17 and 15). She said ‘so you must be going to go back to work soon the after all that time off’ which I found a bit passive aggressive, but just said that I wasn’t going to return to work as I liked being home and didn’t need to go back.

One of the other women changed the subject to talk about a song that was playing but the other woman continued to talk to me. She said ‘so what do you actually do all day?’ I said I take my middle and youngest kids to and from school but other than that, my time is mostly my own.

I said something about the food coming out soon to try to change the subject again, one of the other women said she was hungry so she hoped so, but the woman continued with, ‘what do you do between picking up your children? I said anything I fancy and listed a few things like going running, looking after our animals (we have our own and we foster dogs), cooking, gardening, seeing friends etc.

She asked ‘so do you class yourself as a SAHM then?’ I said I didn’t really think about it, I suppose so, but that my husband jokes I’m just retired. The other 2 women laughed, one said she wished she was retired but had 20 years work left yet.

The other woman continued talking to me saying ‘I don’t really think you can class yourself as a SAHM when your children are teenagers, by that point you just don’t work’. 😬😅

The other 2 looked shocked and I was getting a bit fed up of her questioning and said I wasn’t aware there was a cut off age, but I don’t really feel strongly about how I’m categorised and being classed as not working is fine by me. The other women laughed. The woman still continued saying something about how she feels it’s important to have a more in your life than children, which I did find quite rude. I said that it’s a good job I have lots of other things in my life then, made my excuses and went to find my husband.

One of the other women found me later on with my husband and said that the other woman was a very full on and we had a laugh at the awkwardness of the conversation.

Would you have found the questioning as strange as we did? It didn’t feel like nice chatty conversation like you have at parties. What would you have said? Do people really care if others don’t return to work? Would you actually question someone as much as this? I felt like I needed a lie down afterwards. 😂

If men really thought being at home with a baby was a life of leisure more of them would be volunteering to do it!

If they are with their babies at weekends, I wonder how many of them think their weekends are leisurely 😂

She was rude but I would've just said I'm unemployed and happy with it.

I think she was rude to keep questioning you but she was probably a bit taken back as it’s quite unusual.

I think the issue is that you implied you were a SAHP, even if you didn’t say the words.

I don’t know why you didn’t just say you’re currently unemployed.

I would definitely say that in the future as it’s factual but also reduces further questioning as everyone knows what unemployed means.

OP has said she is financially independent, not that she needs to explain to us any more than she needed to explain to the nosey woman.
It's not unemployed if you don't claim benefits. You just don't work.

She was trying to force you to say 'I'm a SAHM' and then she could say 'well that's a bit odd considering your children are near enough adults..' but you wouldn't rise to the bait. So she just got blunt and said it anyway in a roundabout way?!

Definitely jealous and rude.

Not at all.... It's none of her fucking business what she does with her days! She hasn't got to "understand" anything!!

Unemployed is not really the correct term for the OP's situation.

I think retired is closer - the OP used to work, now she doesn't and she's not looking for work.

If you won the lottery it would be your own money and your existence wouldn’t depend on relying on another person.
It’s completely different.

I definitely think it’s important to show our kids that they need to have a career and be financially independent.
It’s the biggest lesson I teach my DC.

I think if you have DC who don’t work and don’t recognise the value of being independent then you have not done your job as a parent.

There was a thread only a few weeks ago about a SAHD with primary aged kids and posters were calling him lazy and telling him to get a job because they had a cleaner.

But if you think it's what keeps you interested and interesting (and safe), surely you are deriving your self worth from it?

Honestly OP you’ve missed a memo. You need to do some short course and then set up a business. You could then claim to be a yoga instructor, tutor, diet coach, wellbeing coach, swim teacher etc etc. you don’t really need to do much or actually earn money, but you could vaguely allude to being busy with ‘clients’ etc etc.

She was very rude. I can't abide people who think it's OK to question others like this. (I also can't abide people who think the only way to give life meaning is through work!)

'Unemployed' and 'Retired' are both terms which defer to paid work as being the reference point.

I wonder if it always is though.

I think more people do this than we may think.

If you already had your own money, as OP does, would you still work?

I can afford not to work but work as 1. It gives me a sense of self worth 2. I like to contribute financially and not rely on my husband

I think I’d have wanted to ask you similar questions to see why you’d arrived at your decision - but absolutely agree the woman sounds a bit confrontational!

I don't think it's just about the money. A lot of well off people work even though it isn't a financial necessity.

OP isn’t unemployed though.

In economic terms and for government assistance etc, the definition of unemployed is to be out of work while actively seeking work.
OP is not doing the latter.
She’s not unemployed.

I think someone with older children, and simply not working, is an alien concept to a large proportion of people

I think it depends on who you mix with.

Not working and having teens is the norm with certain groups of people I mix with.

The idea that you would be bored or boring isn’t something I have come across.
But then again there is so much to do around where I live.

OP is financially independent.

I think ‘made different decisions to her’ is a complete misinterpretation though to be fair. The vast majority do not have the choice to simply give up work for forever in the early 30s (estimating here).

This isn’t a case of I’ve chosen one school and she’s chosen another this is a completely lifestyle-altering opportunity the OP was able to take which it’s unlikely the woman would ever be able to.

I do agree she pushed it too far and was rude but let’s not pretend the OP isn’t extremely fortunate to be able to make that choice.

This topic is triggering for people. I'm not working at the moment - I used to run a business but I've put work on hold for now - and I'm getting a lot of questions. What do I do all day? When am I going to work again? etc etc. Even when I've fobbed them off they persist - am I going to go back to my business? Am I looking at permanent jobs? I wouldn't mind, only these people hadn't the tiniest bit of interest in what I was doing when I was working - gun to their heads, they couldn't have even guessed what my work involved. So why are they so interested now?

On one level I think it's about money - they can't imagine a situation where they could ever stop working, so they're trying to figure out how I've done it. I sort of get that, nosy as it is. The other aspect is a sort of puritanical idea that you must be working or you're on a slippery slope to being a lout. They can't imagine someone might occupy their time without paid work and they almost want you to justify yourself - are you being 'productive?'

To begin with, I said I was doing jobs around the house etc, but now when people ask I just say 'I'm being a layabout, essentially doing nothing.' They don't know what to do with that, which amuses me greatly.

Do you really not have the desire to do anything? Charity work, further study, some sort of creative endeavour?

I think the "all that time off" comment seems to have gotten under your skin. Do you know why this might be?

I think it's fair to say that many people view your position as being extremely fortunate, albeit without any visibility whatsoever of what your reasons / situation might be. I think many many people are quite sad, maybe even bitter, about having not much choice about our work set ups because of financial pressures, even though many like me also do wish to progress our careers at the same time - also hard to balance and sit with.

I'd love to be wealthy / secure enough to work PURELY out of choice but as it is I have NO CHOICE - even if I didn't like my work I'd still have to do it anyway otherwise we'd be destitute.

So I guess it is curious and something I'd wonder about if I someone who literally has such a secure set up as you do.

I wouldn't be as rude or as nosey as this woman you came across though, obviously. But I'd definitely want to know the how and why part - just out of curiosity and to provide fodder for my daydreams.

I think what she meant to ask was not "all that time off" but perhaps rather "all that freedom".

I think you handled it well. I can see how it was not light party conversation and she took her questioning too far.

This is exactly the sort of question I mean. How are you justifying your existence?

I agree it could be more positive. People seem to think there's an abundance of job vacancies waiting to be filled but the job market is pretty tough right now. There are no where near enough vacancies for all working adults. OPs probably doing society a favour by leaving a space open for someone who needs and wants to work.