Thoughts on this conversation

[HomeForTheAnimals]

We went to a party for our friends parents at the weekend, had a lovely time, lots of people we knew were there and others who we hadn’t met before.

I got chatting to 3 women and did the usual polite conversation and asking how they knew the hosting couple. The conversation moved on to work and what each of us did. Two worked, one was a SAHM with young children and I told them what my job was before I had children but that I hadn’t gone back to work.

One asked how old my children were, I told them. (20, 17 and 15). She said ‘so you must be going to go back to work soon the after all that time off’ which I found a bit passive aggressive, but just said that I wasn’t going to return to work as I liked being home and didn’t need to go back.

One of the other women changed the subject to talk about a song that was playing but the other woman continued to talk to me. She said ‘so what do you actually do all day?’ I said I take my middle and youngest kids to and from school but other than that, my time is mostly my own.

I said something about the food coming out soon to try to change the subject again, one of the other women said she was hungry so she hoped so, but the woman continued with, ‘what do you do between picking up your children? I said anything I fancy and listed a few things like going running, looking after our animals (we have our own and we foster dogs), cooking, gardening, seeing friends etc.

She asked ‘so do you class yourself as a SAHM then?’ I said I didn’t really think about it, I suppose so, but that my husband jokes I’m just retired. The other 2 women laughed, one said she wished she was retired but had 20 years work left yet.

The other woman continued talking to me saying ‘I don’t really think you can class yourself as a SAHM when your children are teenagers, by that point you just don’t work’. 😬😅

The other 2 looked shocked and I was getting a bit fed up of her questioning and said I wasn’t aware there was a cut off age, but I don’t really feel strongly about how I’m categorised and being classed as not working is fine by me. The other women laughed. The woman still continued saying something about how she feels it’s important to have a more in your life than children, which I did find quite rude. I said that it’s a good job I have lots of other things in my life then, made my excuses and went to find my husband.

One of the other women found me later on with my husband and said that the other woman was a very full on and we had a laugh at the awkwardness of the conversation.

Would you have found the questioning as strange as we did? It didn’t feel like nice chatty conversation like you have at parties. What would you have said? Do people really care if others don’t return to work? Would you actually question someone as much as this? I felt like I needed a lie down afterwards. 😂

my best mate gets this all the time - she now replies with 'my husband makes millions - i dont have to work' - its true 😂. People can be very, very rude and judgey and she got sick to the back teeth of it...

Envy. I get this even now I’m retired at 68 !(I worked bloody hard all my working life). Just say you do voluntary work (I do a little). I find this usually shuts those envious people up !

She was just rude and has zero social skills.

Another issue is that as a society, we deem people who don't draw a salary and have a contract with an employer as 'not working'. OP is working, women have always worked, but because OP doesn't earn money through the usual routes, we say she isn't working. But what she describes certainly sounds like work to me, a lot of people (and animals!) would be lost without her.

FWIW I say this as a woman who works in the conventional sense.

Definitely rude and jealous but I’m never surprised these days by the questions people have the cheek to ask and the intensity of the questioning. I put it down to social media and all the over sharing muddling the boundaries.

The OP does!

It's certainly an interesting one. People that don't know me well assume I don't work because I home educate my children so am out most days with them. I often get weirdly judgemental comments about how they could never choose to do that because they have to work.

Interestingly, the judgement doesn't dissipate when I explain that I do work. If anything, it seems to annoy people more, possibly because it undermines their sense of superiority over me while not detracting from the objectively nice life I have.

I also do personally find it strange when any adults doesn't want to work and engage with life but her manner sounds inappropriate for a party I agree.

I find this attitude so removed from my experience of the world - the idea that the only way to engage with life is through work makes me so sad. I feel less engaged with the world when I'm working than I do when I'm out at museums and exhibitions, on holiday, at festivals or classes, or just spending time with friends.

I can kind of understand those that have a vocational job feeling as though that is a large source of their engagement, but surely most people even in those roles realise that doing accounts or digital marketing isn't the extent of other's engagement with life?

Whoops sorry. Missed that.

Absolutely this .

I'd assume she was both envious and concerned. Envious because full time working mothers are absolutely knackered as they still do the lion's share of childcare and home maintenance. Concerned because if a man leaves the marriage, a woman who hasn't worked is in a precarious position.

But it also sounds like she is a certain personality type - as the other woman said: very full on. Was she a lawyer? My lawyer friends will just latch onto an issue and interrogate without any awareness of how inappropriate it is in social situations. They all have this terrier-like aspect to their personalities.

I’ve never forgotten a man saying to me ‘Oh you’re a lady of leisure then ‘ when I was a SAHM with a BABY!!

@HomeForTheAnimals I would back away from this thread now.

I'm surprised at some of the opinions being expressed and some of the hurtful comments being written.

This forum is supposed to be a supportive place.

You do you. As long as you and your family are happy, nothing else matters.

This is so true. Any SAHM is working hard: cleaning, cooking, taxi-ing, laundering, making sure her children are well-socialised, hygenic, relatively happy and resilient, that they do their homework and get enough exercise. Add voluntary work on top of that and many SAHMs are working very long hours. But no pay. So it doesn't count.

I remember a lovely life insurance man totting up what it would cost DH to replace me if I died while DC were small, when I was a SAHM. He came up with £40k pa for wrap around childcare for 2DC, housekeeper, gardener, part time PA. And that was decades ago. The shock on DH's face!

@HomeForTheAnimals Why should you be called to judgement, especially by a total stranger. If you were doing something utterly immoral then I could understand her challenging you, because that's basically what she was doing. Concern or general interest in your lifestyle my arse. She was boorish, intrusive and flexing her perceived superiority. Well done for fostering dogs by the way OP.

So if you won the lottery you’d continue working even if you didn’t need to? I find people who say they’d carry on working regardless are boring work-obsessives who usually think they’re indispensable and far more important than they are.

Absolutely, I think my paid job is much easier than that of a SAHM.

Ahhh, the good old 'Tears of Endurance' - 2½ hours long, yes? (But seemed much longer!)

I agree, it is sad how many people derive their self-worth from their job titles and the salaries they earn. There was a thread not long ago where the OP was asking if her DC's private school was being unfair. The thread then got into entitlement etc, and the OP launched into a tirade of abuse, accusing people of being jealous of her job and salary. She was clearly very angry and insecure.

One of my mum's favourite flicks. Well before my time but I do remember that scene and Debra Winger dying which was sad.

I think she was probably just in shock on hearing about a lifestyle completely alien to her and a lot of us. Where you can have 3 kids and have never worked since they were born, and your husband only works 3 days a week too, and you are not dependent on his income (not sure if she knew those 2nd two bits). And probably very envious as I think a lot of people would be. And, she forgot her manners trying to wrap her head around it all. She was rude in forgetting her manners and not letting it drop but I doubt she realised and didn't mean to be rude. Perhaps she woke up the next day thinking, 'Oh God, I hounded that poor woman about her life at that party, she must think I'm so rude! I just couldn't understand it.'.

Like a previous poster said early on, I would definitely be thinking all the things she asked but would like to think I'd have the manners not to ask you, a stranger at a fun party.

I think she was rude. You and the other woman were clearly trying to change the subject, you'd have to be tone deaf not to pick up on the 'we want to change the subject' vibe.

She is obvs jealous and making out that you should have a job. If you don't need to then that's great.

She was rude and aggressive. It is literally none of her business what you do, and none of her concern that you don't work.

She just clearly can't understand how other people can live a different life to her, you see it all the time on MN

You are in the lucky position of not working and being able to afford to stay that way.

A friend just retired aged 56, she is very lucky to be able to do so and I keep joking to her that she is now a lady of leisure. She keeps her days busy with volunteering and keeping fit and looking after their animals.

I do think its a bit of a cop out not working when your children are older. But if it suits you then its nobody else's business. But our lives are quite often a point of discussion for others.

I don't know why people are asking why you are calling yourself a SAHM because isn't that exactly what you are? You are a mother and you stay at home and manage home life.

I do the same op, my dc are 18 and 21 and I haven't worked many hours since they were little. I currently work around 8-10 hours per week and I don't feel that I have to justify my life to anyone.

I have no idea why this woman was so interested in your life, I couldn't give a shiny shit what people do with theirs as long as they are happy and not hurting anyone else - I suspect she is simply envious, insecure and wants to put you down.

Let's hope she doesn't hound you at the wedding, if she does find a way to shoot her down asap.