Thoughts on this conversation

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We went to a party for our friends parents at the weekend, had a lovely time, lots of people we knew were there and others who we hadn’t met before.

I got chatting to 3 women and did the usual polite conversation and asking how they knew the hosting couple. The conversation moved on to work and what each of us did. Two worked, one was a SAHM with young children and I told them what my job was before I had children but that I hadn’t gone back to work.

One asked how old my children were, I told them. (20, 17 and 15). She said ‘so you must be going to go back to work soon the after all that time off’ which I found a bit passive aggressive, but just said that I wasn’t going to return to work as I liked being home and didn’t need to go back.

One of the other women changed the subject to talk about a song that was playing but the other woman continued to talk to me. She said ‘so what do you actually do all day?’ I said I take my middle and youngest kids to and from school but other than that, my time is mostly my own.

I said something about the food coming out soon to try to change the subject again, one of the other women said she was hungry so she hoped so, but the woman continued with, ‘what do you do between picking up your children? I said anything I fancy and listed a few things like going running, looking after our animals (we have our own and we foster dogs), cooking, gardening, seeing friends etc.

She asked ‘so do you class yourself as a SAHM then?’ I said I didn’t really think about it, I suppose so, but that my husband jokes I’m just retired. The other 2 women laughed, one said she wished she was retired but had 20 years work left yet.

The other woman continued talking to me saying ‘I don’t really think you can class yourself as a SAHM when your children are teenagers, by that point you just don’t work’. 😬😅

The other 2 looked shocked and I was getting a bit fed up of her questioning and said I wasn’t aware there was a cut off age, but I don’t really feel strongly about how I’m categorised and being classed as not working is fine by me. The other women laughed. The woman still continued saying something about how she feels it’s important to have a more in your life than children, which I did find quite rude. I said that it’s a good job I have lots of other things in my life then, made my excuses and went to find my husband.

One of the other women found me later on with my husband and said that the other woman was a very full on and we had a laugh at the awkwardness of the conversation.

Would you have found the questioning as strange as we did? It didn’t feel like nice chatty conversation like you have at parties. What would you have said? Do people really care if others don’t return to work? Would you actually question someone as much as this? I felt like I needed a lie down afterwards. 😂

You do work, really! Fostering animals and caring for injured animals is work. Just as care work is work. It's not that unusual for women to not be paid for the work they do.

The financial independence issue is entirely seperate, and as you say, the woman didn't sound like she was coming at it from that angle.

I probably wont ever go back to work, there is nothing hard to get your head around.

I would love not to work, so I get that part. But being financially dependent on someone else would give me the fear.

Yes, unfortunately some posters on here seem equally as judgemental as the woman OP met.

Maybe (hopefully!) they’d have been more polite at the party, but it’s horrible to think people are sneering and judging, even if they do so privately.

I mean you aren't, marriage means one pot.

I’m afraid after being peppered with questions like that I probably would’ve made a joke about switching off the bright light and suggested that she would have no issues getting a job as an interrogator when she returns to work. Some people have no idea when to drop something!

That depends a lot of what kind of marriage you have though…

OP is independently wealthy.

How annoying, we as women just can't win. OP it sounds like this woman might be jealous of you, who knows? Sometimes people are unhappy within themselves and will take it out on the nearest person that they can pick at. I've been criticised for working when I have a child, working part time, criticised when I didn't have a child, criticised for having only one child, the list goes on. The common thread was that the people doing the criticising were clearly unhappy with their own lives. All you can do is try to handle it gracefully, which it sounds like you did.

I think she was digging in the hopes she would find out you aren’t actually just rich and privileged enough you haven’t needed to work in many years. I think a lot of people get to the point after working for decades and having decades to go that there can be a lot of envy for those rich enough to have a good life while being unemployed. Even I have my pangs of jealousy and I love work!

You don't need to justify your life to anyone at all. She was rude and probably a little envious.

My sister was in exactly the same position as you, OP - for a long time I felt like your questioner - but I now realise that it came from a place of jealousy. I would’ve loved to have been able to be around for my children more, to feel on top of all life’s shittery, and invest in my physical fitness and mental health. DSis is in a much better place than I am now…

In case it’s crops up in future: “That’s an interesting perspective, thanks for sharing it 🙂”

Some people genuinely don’t have any identity outside of their job.

Of course she was rude.
Absolutely none of her business.

I think you could say " why do you want to know?".
"Don't worry about it". " Don't concern yourself, I am just fine".
"Aren't you very curious/nosey about people".

Just because someone asks a question, doesn't mean you have to answer.

You could also lean the other way and talk about how wonderful life is when you don't need to work.

She's a pain in the ass.

Hmmm I think she's asking what a lot of people would THINK, but wouldn't ask.

I don't know why you don't say "I foster dogs!" It's what you do, and interesting, and enables the small talk to flow. I'd have just said that!

But the OP has stated that she is not financially dependent on anyone else.
Income in terms of paid work is not really necessary if one has enough capital.
Investments also generate funds. Hopefully...

No, I said I was taken aback for a minute and then talked about other things. But I'm in my late 50s and it's unusual to find someone the same age (who is fit and healthy and able to work) who hasn't ever worked. 'What do you do?' isn't the most scintillating of conversation starters I'll admit (ETA it wasn't the conversation starter it was mid conversation) - but it's something that can get touched up in the course of a conversation when chatting with someone.

We moved on to talk about other things.

But I'll stand by the fact that most people in their 50s have had some kind of employment.

I once met a woman at a party who proclaimed proudly that she was
An appendage.
I looked a bit puzzled.
She continued

I am an appendage to great men.
I felt slightly sorry for her esp noting she said men not man
But it never occurred to me to ask what she did all day
Or night

I think it's really weird that you don't work.
and poor example to your children

No legs

Oh hang on, distance maybe?

lol

She’s envious of your situation and is one of those people who has no insight into her feelings so has to take it out on you. Sounds like you handled it with dignity. I’m not sure I would have been quite so restrained.
Keep on enjoying your life and don’t give her another thought.

This.

I think the problem is that a stranger who knows nothing about you has asked you to justify your choices and justify what you spend your time doing, presumably so she can decide if she finds your answers acceptable or not? We wouldn't be ok with someone asking a women with a busy career to justify how she spends her time or openly criticising her lifestyle choices so why is it ok in these circumstances?