School refusing 6 year old, what to do?

[Twoweeksinaugust]

6 y/o ds has always been happy enough to go to school, he's never loved it but he goes without complaint.

For the last 3 Mondays he's refused to go, 1st time I handled it terribly and shouted as I needed to get to work and was stressed. Last week I was absolutely calm and let him stay home. Gave him a pep talk last night, he was in floods of tears and has refused to go today.

He just keeps saying he'll miss us too much. School office say nothing unusual happens on a Monday except whole school assembly, he tells me this isn't the problem.

Teacher has been absolutely useless and not returned my call to discuss / make a plan.

I'm at my wits end. He's home now, been told if he stays home he's to play in his room all day as we're WFH, there'll be no playing in the garden, trip to the park etc....I'm hoping he'll get so bored he goes to school.

He eats well, sleeps well, gets loads of exercise and fresh air.

Any advice? Please don't say physically force him, I won't, he's strong and determined and one of us will get injured, plus he's too heavy to carry 2 miles to school!

Mondays are a big transition from the weekend.

Does he struggle with any other transitions? What are his weekends like?

He could absolutely just be trying it on, but he might also be struggling in other ways and genuinely need support with transitions or his routine might need changing.

I wouldn't expect even a highly verbal 6 year old to be able to explain to me their triggers and emotions for this behaviour because it's outside of developmental appropriation so he needs the adults around him to start taking notice of things.

Because it's only Mondays I don't necessarily think it's EBSA either, but without the right support it could quite easily spiral into it.

People saying force him etc have clearly never had experience of this. Will school allow him to arrive a little earlier or later on Mondays? Some kids find it overwhelming first thing especially after the weekend.
Walking to school with friends is a good idea. Can anyone call for him on their way?
if he’s otherwise happy I’m sure this will be short lived. He’s only 6 and it’s still difficult for him to express his feelings. Good luck

My youngest tried to refuse to go to school age 5. I regularly had to carry him into his classroom. A year on and he goes in fine because he knows it isn't negotiable. At its worst me and DH took turns to do school dropoff. He has no idea that I work from home on some days, as far as he is concerned we are all out of the house during the school day.

OP even if you are massively late, even if he is not wearing the correct clothes, even if it takes both of you to get him in, he has to end up in school each day. Unless you want to be homeschooling in a year's time.

Appreciate, I'm thinking later in the day, but he's won't be the only one who misses family, wants to be at home. I was an MDS for years, it was a regular thing for children to be upset or come up to me saying they wanted to be at home with 'X', were missing 'X@, feels tired and wants to go home, wants to play with new toy. So most schools must see this on a regular basis, so they're probably not too concerned until there are obvious issues at home or in school.

I agree, you can't do anything that would physically hurt him, but you do need to the boss. He absolutely need to know that no one will either be at home or if they are, they have other things they must do and won't be able to engage with him.

Don’t let him stay at home. My 5 year old often refuses to go to school, also says he will miss us. Then I take him and he’s fine. Ways I’ve made it easier - let him take a teddy in his backpack given him a treat in his pack lunch etc. but do not let them stay home - you are showing him that his drama gets results.

If you let him miss school the tv is not on. Neither are snacks offered. Nothing is happening.

You are on a slippery slope here, letting him stay home.

He goes to school full stop. I say this as a parent of a neurodivergent 17 year old where we have had A LOT of issues with school but we’ve never given into her staying home.

Would she be happier at home , yes of course, but is it the best thing to do for her long term, absolutely not. She is appreciative now that we were doing the right thing for her.

Do yourself a favour and learn to do the hard things now, learn to properly parent. It will help enormously down the line, no matter what challenges come your way.

You let him stay home? Oh dear, now he knows that if he refuses he can stay so ... Monday is a transition day and lots of children find this difficult, even neurotypical ones. If you cant get a 6 year old to school what happens when they're 11...14...etc! Nip this in the bud now!

he's 6, you need to find a balance between screaming and letting him do what he wants.

one of you needs to book next Monday off. you get up early, help him get dressed, get him in the car, take him to school. however long it takes.

are you willing to have him home all week if he wants to?

We had this with DD1. I did just pick her up and carry her firefighter style. I packed her school uniform in her bag if she was in pyjamas.

She was diagnosed as autistic a year later. She found primary school pretty awful, tbh. She is far happier at secondary surprisingly.

He is doing it because you work from home and he knows he can. If you had to take time off work you would have made it very clear that it was impossible for him to stay at home. You have to approach it with the same determination.

There are some children who school refuse because of of autism and/or bullying and those situations have to be handled carefully. It sounds like your son would just prefer to be at home and realises that you will give in to him.

so you got him dressed and into the car?

you stay there and don't give in. or DH if you can't. you call the office and ask the head / senco to come out.

you don't need bribes you need consequences.

walk him to the door, draw a love heart on his hand, leaked notes in his lunch, do all a the nice stuff but also, I've of you needs to parent q

Nonsense ! I know plenty of parents who had to give up work or go PT due to difficulties such as OP and myself experience. Dc don’t care if you work if they are that distressed to refuse school it’s not on their radar that adults have any needs whatsoever . They are in pure survival mode

OP some of these posters haven't experienced this and yet are forthcoming with their ideas about "simply get him in", "he's 6 you just force him" and one wonders if this will lead to a life on benefits! Bonkers.

Fact is, every kid is individual and you'll need to carry on taking to him about what's happening. Bear in mind that he may not be able to articulate it right now.

I absolutely hear you when you ask "how would I force him in?" Some of the pps would think twice if they'd experienced the physicality of fighting a child, the concern about injury and the psychological effect.
Some rubbish it as "gentle parenting" but I think it's better called "not being a bully until a child capitulates" - because that takes a toll.

Do look up EBSA as others have suggested. Consider if there's a possibility of neuro divergence.
Or, it could be a temporary "now" issue which you can address.
He (and you) may need support from the school (not someone meeting you outside to "drag him in").
Some pps are panicking on your behalf and seeing a future of never ending battles...not the case.

Breathe and trust yourself.

Well kicking off worked last week and another winner today. He goes to school, it's not optional as you have led him to understand. He's 6, not 16.

I say to my DS that mummy will go to jail if he doesn’t go to school, I wait it out and he eventually comes downstairs and gets in the car. I seriously do not have the time or patience for dealing with it TBH, I have physically picked him up kicking and screaming before it was awful but he was absolutely fine once the car set off. It’s hard work just don’t give in, kids remember everything that happens that’s out the ordinary and will revert back to it, stick to the same every day, he goes to school!

Oh dear, another result of child-centred parenting and anglophone authority crisis. Talk to his teacher or Senco, they're all standing by the door in the morning/afternoon, so I'm not sure why you can't do this.

6 year olds are unlikely to be reasoning like that. That's adult reasoning.

It made zero difference to my daughter that DH and I are teachers and absolutely had to go to work out of the house with very little flexibility.

A book on Amazon "What to do when you worry too much" might be helpful if you think it's anxiety.

Being punitive and authoritarian really doesn't help with anxiety!

I tell my nearly 5yo that mummy can go to jail if he doesn't go to school 😅 then he won't have a mummy to play with him and make him dinner etc.

My son is currently obsessed with his upcoming birthday so every time he has a meltdown about school I remind him I have to be able to go to work to earn money to buy the 100 presents he has requested 🙃

A while back he was harder to convince to go to school so I printed a monthly calendar and put something fun on the weekend and we put stars on for each day he went to school then if he got all 5 stars we could do whatever was written for the weekend (park, play centre, buy a magazine etc)

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/_chat/5297998-ebsa-support-thread-2?utm_campaign=thread&utm_medium=app_share these posters will hopefully have tips or empathy.

Is it just Mondays? There must be a reason why, if its just mondays

Could you meet him half way? if you go into school this morning, I'll collect you at lunchtime? try and get half a day in. Nothing exciting happens at home in the afternoon because Mummy still has to work

pick up before lunch ( leave lunch bag at home) a couple of weeks
Then pick up after lunch for a couple of weeks

try and eliminate which part of the school day it is, if it is that.

I think physically getting him in could be hard.

i would do no fun at home, No screens and school work in the day.

Does he have a friend who could pick him up? Or get a breakfast thing at a friends. ?

Has he got a friend who could meet him and you could all walk in together? I was wondering if that might help so it’s less daunting.
Because he’s home today it’s good you’re making it as boring as possible. No tv, no gaming, only school stuff and lunch as it would be in school.

You have made this so much harder for yourself by allowing him to stay at home for
no reason other than he has thrown a tantrum. By allowing him to stay at home you are basically confirming that school is something for him to worry about and that it doesn’t matter if he doesn’t go.

He is six, you need to make him go to school. It is the teachers job to deal with him once he is in school, not before so don’t blame her.

Bribe him if you have to, and make his day at home as boring as possible. He should
not be allowed access to usual toys and treats at home while he should be at school, especially screens.

Ds tried to refuse school. I explained he had to go. Got him in the car and drove directly into school car park and they had to coax him out. I felt sick but the reality is they have to go to school. I spoke with school and with DS and tried to get to bottom of it (there was some low level bullying which school managed). But I never let DS think home was an option. He was 9 at the time.