School refusing 6 year old, what to do?

[Twoweeksinaugust]

6 y/o ds has always been happy enough to go to school, he's never loved it but he goes without complaint.

For the last 3 Mondays he's refused to go, 1st time I handled it terribly and shouted as I needed to get to work and was stressed. Last week I was absolutely calm and let him stay home. Gave him a pep talk last night, he was in floods of tears and has refused to go today.

He just keeps saying he'll miss us too much. School office say nothing unusual happens on a Monday except whole school assembly, he tells me this isn't the problem.

Teacher has been absolutely useless and not returned my call to discuss / make a plan.

I'm at my wits end. He's home now, been told if he stays home he's to play in his room all day as we're WFH, there'll be no playing in the garden, trip to the park etc....I'm hoping he'll get so bored he goes to school.

He eats well, sleeps well, gets loads of exercise and fresh air.

Any advice? Please don't say physically force him, I won't, he's strong and determined and one of us will get injured, plus he's too heavy to carry 2 miles to school!

You'd need the school to agree, but for most of reception it was my DS's "job" to give the school rabbit it's breakfast, he'd go straight there, for the first few minutesof the day, then go back into class after everyone else was in and settled. The combination of floppy waiting for his carrot and DS not having to handle the noise and busyness of the clockroom worked well.

It wouldn't nessecerily have to be a rabbit, any some kind of special job would do.

How are your weekends different from school?
With mine, i have to keep weekends and holidays as similar to school days as possible, otherwise all hell will break loose.
I.e. we get up at a similar time, get changed, have breakfast, do structured activities with some breaks for free play.
So spellings at 8am, go to supermarket at 9am, sport at 11am, reading, …..
Otherwise the contrast structure/no structure doesn’t work at all.

How are your weekends different from school?
With mine, i have to keep weekends and holidays as similar to school days as possible, otherwise all hell will break loose.
I.e. we get up at a similar time, get changed, have breakfast, do structured activities with some breaks for free play.
So spellings at 8am, go to supermarket at 9am, sport at 11am, reading, …..
Otherwise the contrast structure/no structure doesn’t work at all.

You can’t physically drag a child into school
kicking a screaming, you risk injuring them or yourself.
Ive seen children undoing seatbelts and trying to exit cars when they’ve been trying to get out, which even with child locks on is really unsafe for the driver.
Is he better with one of you than the other taking him?
My guess it’s because he’s been at home with you over the weekend so Mondays are particularly tricky because he’s out of a routine.
When mine have started to say they don’t want to go to school I’m afraid to say I use bribery….
“If you go to school today, we’ll go to the park straight after” type of thing.
Can you meet up with one of his friends on the way in so he can walk in with them to distract him from feeling anxious.
Ive always said school is not optional and they have to go, sometimes I’ve been a little late dropping them off but they’ve always been in, because I knew if I gave in once they would refuse even more.
Mine are now 6, 11 and 13 and it’s only ever the smallie now that asks if he has to go in, usually towards the end of a term as he’s so tired, but a treat to look forward to at the end of the day helps.
He currently likes to help me cook so he gets to pick what we have for tea and then we cook it together when he gets home.
Hope you find something that works for you .

Phew! I thought I was the only one who saw this.

@Jimmycooper this is rather simple. You both either stop working from home on Mondays or you get dressed and go in car together telling him you are off to work- as this poster has said.

i loved school. Having flat shared, I could imagine not being pleased if flat mates worked from home on Mondays whilst I had to go in. So I can understand the 6yo take on things although he cannot articulate it. Why is this hard for you op to figure out?! Genuine Q.

Where did OP say they both work from home on Mondays?? I’ve re-read all the posts and I can’t see mention of a partner at all?

I think it’s assumed as in the OP she say’s ’we’re WFH’ and not I’m.

There's no way a 6 year old would be refusing school. They'd be told they're going.
Maybe easier strapping into a car seat but you're the adult.

My son used to get upset after every school holidays (he’s 4, preschool)

it can’t be a coincidence it’s every Monday.
have you had a super fun weekend every weekend? He probably doesn’t want to leave you because he’s spent the weekend with you.

also not helping if mum and dad both wfh on a Monday if the child knows that. My son at 4 wouldn’t have been happy at that on his off days so I wouldn’t agree that’s ’adults reasoning’

Your child will do what you let him do.

Nip this in the bud now or he will soon be controlling everything he does and doesn’t do. Sorry to sounds harsh. I’ve seen first hand how this can manifest.

He's home now, been told if he stays home he's to play in his room all day as we're WFH,
So he still has fun at home?? Nope, he practices his writing etc. Jigsaw puzzles for dexterity but it must be educational toys and you must see progress throughout the day. Make it as boring and annoying as possible. No nice lunch or funny chats. But really you should have carried him in. Go early, wait for his hands to get tired and then you can more easily get him out of the car, or his father takes him. If he refuses to get dressed then he goes to school in his bare feet and pj's. He'll only do it the once.

Just a thought though since you said he wants to be near you. What is homelife like - any tension or bickering going on? Even disagreements about paint colour can sometimes unsettle a little one.

If he is doing this at 6 imagine what he will be doing at 14! When he will actually be too big for you to physically make him go to school.
I don't know any 6 years olds who are stronger than adults unless the adult is disabled.
Get him there. Screaming and kicking if necessary. He will be the one making a prat of himself in front of his classmates and teacher.

When my kids have to stay at home and are reasonably well (2nd day of a tummy bug, trains not running, …), they work from home. Reading, spelling, maths, workbooks, etc.
It helps with the break in routine

Making a 6 year old is much easier to get to school that a 15 year old trust me. As much as you didn’t want this response that’s the only one I can give. You have to physically take him whether he is kicking, screaming, having a meltdown down or just simply sobbing. Letting him stay at home was your first mistake, because you’ve made a rod for your own back. Letting him still play in his room is the second. No toys at all. Give him a book, then another book and another. Maybe take him in at 0930hrs when it’s not the usual time so it’s more of a surprise if he won’t put his uniform on then he goes in his pjs. He will soon learn he goes regardless.

now this isn’t coming from someone who hasn’t been there myself. I have been there I even had the head teacher come to the car to take my child in through the man reception x

It doesn't require much reasoning to think mummy and daddy are at home so I would like to be at home.

It is more about the difference it makes to the parents though. If you have to organise emergency childcare in or take time off work, you won't give in so quickly and the child will pick up on the stress of the situation. It is a more accurate test of how seriously the child feels about not going to school.

I had this with my daughter when she was in Reception. What worked for me was giving her the choice of me taking her to school or her class teacher coming to the house to take her. She obviously chose me and I had no more trouble from then on.

Only you will know what works for your child OP, but school is non negotiable.

Very glad this worked for you. But would option 2 have been an option? At our school they would have marked this as unauthorised absence and referred the parent to safeguarding/SENCO. What would you have done if she had dug her heels in but the school wouldn't have come to get her?
Our secondary has a truancy officer who would come round to round up truants but never heard of this in primary.

Why on earth have you kept him at home ? He has won and the rest of his school days will now be like this. You are his parent so bloody well parent instead of wringing your hands.

What are his consequences for refusing to go? Staying home playing in his room or want sound that bad as an alternative to school tbh.

For me, I'd be sitting calmly in the car outside school until he finally agrees to go in. If he refused to get into the car in the first place, it would be likewise: we are at the door and there is nothing else - no toys, no games, no chat - until he gets into the car.

You also make the consequences clear to him. "If you don't go to school, and you're not ill, I will have to pay a fine. If that happens, then [x treat he cares about] won't happen because I will have used up that money to pay the fine."

This is the point where as a parent you have maximum influence and control. If you don't use it now it's only going to get worse down the track.

That said, it sounds like school are being crap and I'd escalate.

I knew it would work for my daughter though, as she was a shy child and the thought of her class teacher coming and knocking on the door was something she really didn't want to happen. That's why I said to the OP that she will know what works for her child.

Phew. So glad that didn't backfire on you. Even the most docile of children can surprise us when they going full tantrum mode and the parent is left thinking oh shit that didn't work. 😂

I think you need to take a morning off work so there is no time pressure. Drive him to school, park as close as possible and wait for him to eventually get out.

The school should be supporting you more with this. See if one of the teachers/head can come and meet him and walk in with him.

By all means talk to the school, find ways of helping your DS go to school less upset.
But underlying this should be a very firm understanding that school is not optional and should it come to it, you will force him to go.

This is not bullying as another poster said, it’s parenting.

Sometimes making an expectation crystal clear from the beginning, means that you don’t have to as much of the cajoling as there is an existing understanding - I must go to school

It's really common. Our school has a few different techniques they use -- usually a teacher comes out to help, or even comes to your house and walks the child to school for a week, rewards for going etc.

If the teacher isn't much help, see if there is an attendance officer or safeguarding lead who may be more willing to help?

I think a lot of people don’t quite get this unless they’ve been there. My son is similar, particularly Mondays and after holidays.
The difference with us is that school are great - we have various options which we can choose if he’s struggling - an early start plan, a later start plan and a post holiday transition plan and he has a special Monday morning job to do.

My son will also undo his seatbelt and it’s like getting a rabid dog into school when he’s struggling.

We don’t let him stay home though as that will add to the anxiety.

My son’s is particularly bad as he will also vomit from the stress so we’ve got a doctors note to say he can attend even after vomiting.

My son is probably autistic - he loves school but the transition to get there is very very hard for him.

You need school on board - be that parent and bother them until you get a meeting!