School refusing 6 year old, what to do?

[Twoweeksinaugust]

6 y/o ds has always been happy enough to go to school, he's never loved it but he goes without complaint.

For the last 3 Mondays he's refused to go, 1st time I handled it terribly and shouted as I needed to get to work and was stressed. Last week I was absolutely calm and let him stay home. Gave him a pep talk last night, he was in floods of tears and has refused to go today.

He just keeps saying he'll miss us too much. School office say nothing unusual happens on a Monday except whole school assembly, he tells me this isn't the problem.

Teacher has been absolutely useless and not returned my call to discuss / make a plan.

I'm at my wits end. He's home now, been told if he stays home he's to play in his room all day as we're WFH, there'll be no playing in the garden, trip to the park etc....I'm hoping he'll get so bored he goes to school.

He eats well, sleeps well, gets loads of exercise and fresh air.

Any advice? Please don't say physically force him, I won't, he's strong and determined and one of us will get injured, plus he's too heavy to carry 2 miles to school!

OP - parents who have never had a school refusing child will never understand why you can’t just make them go. No advice but good luck.

I am glad you got him to school.
I would however say this sort of thing is quite common and while you don't want to 'manhandle' him we do have some parents who will carry their child crying into school. They know they are fine once in (we usually call them to give reassurance) and sometimes that is just the way it is.

Having a chart in school or if possible the bus if he has to get transport could help. We have a few children who come in missing mummy so they have a chart to put a sticker on which they like and helps the transition.

Well done! Indeed, it was clear you had to say and demonstrate you were off to work- many of us saw that.

also, not much had been said, but the child clearly advised you that she would miss you if she went to school. Indeed, most kids would not want to miss out on family being at home without them.

anyway, glad you have got your simple solution. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with this child. Just needs correct approach.

Or is it a he. Sorry not clear. Seem to have seen DS and she. Maybe she referred to teacher. Apologies.

Well done @Twoweeksinaugust - you have done everything right!

If I stayed off school as a child I had to stay in my room/bed. No TV, ganes or anything. I had to be really ill to stay off school.

Any ND?
There is a reason why he wont go and "not refusing".
Pick the day if its only Monday / look at the timetable. Prob a horrible teacher in the mix.
Look at friendship groups.
Food issues.
Lesson issues.
Homework issues.
Assembly is a killer plus singing I'd try for reasonable adjustment to miss it with the teacher if it continues for months especially if its "just Mondays".

There is always a reason and some time its too hard for little children to explain. Those feelings are real. Never "drag" a child in whilst the teacher says they are fine when here 😂 as it will create further trauma later down the line.

Hopefully a nice teacher next year and doesn't end up in full blown EBSA.
Not fine in school is a good face book group.

To the posters digging deep for ‘reasons’ be that ND or a teacher he doesn’t like, assembly whatever. Could it not be at all possible that the explanation is not that deep - it’s Monday, he’s had a nice weekend at home, he see’s parents still at home and wants to stay home too (have you never had the Sunday blues and if someone had given you a consequence free way of staying at home, would you not take it?). I get everyone has their own experience of it, some easy to solve, some not but as a first leap it seems to be like a slippery slope to be going down,

Little so and so still needs to go to school.,, permissive, gentle, whatever’

So … just let them stay home if they want to? Whether you cal this gentle or permissive… I call it lacking!

If he's previously been fine, and there's no identifiable issues, then he goes in. If he stays at home, his day is as boring as you can possibly make it. No toys, tv, nice food. He sits at the table and does workbooks or similar. He follows a school day timetable. 15 minutes outside at 10:30 on his own, then back at the table until lunch. Lunch is boring and non-negotiable. If you'd previously packed him a lunchbox, then he gets that. Then back outside for 30 minutes "play", again on his own. Then back at the table until 3:15. Repeat throughout the day that you're happy to take him in if he's bored...?

Then "after school" is the consequence for missing school. He can go to his room and play, but no electronics or tv. He stays there until dinner time, then the same until bed time.

School is non-negotiable. Mum, you need to be tougher than he is stubborn. If you let a 6yo win on this issue, you're going to have problems later on.

Did any PP refuse school this way? What did your parents do to resolve the issue?

And can you remember why you did it?

I have seen children get wrestled screaming and shouting into school in the morning and honestly, they just get on with the day

If tou are absolutely sure that nothing else has happened then it sounds to me like a child who wants to stay with their parents. Pretty normal and what a pretend tummy ache used to achieve. I think WFH has exacerbated this as when everyone used to leave the house together and the option to be at home didn’t exist, this stuff was less prevalent.

I pretended to be ill and it was for attention. My parents both worked and I didn’t get much of it.

Yep, I did. Because I was 6 and wanted to stay at home and not go to school (like most six year olds I suspect). My parents just didn’t pander to it - I was told it’s okay to be upset but that school isn’t optional and that was that, basically. I wouldn’t have dared to kick off anymore or disobey as I knew I’d be in for a massive bollocking 😂

Let’s be real, most six year olds want to stay home and not go to school but they’re six - they don’t get a choice.

OP, handing a small child power over his life that he can’t handle is ultimately hostile to him.

You’re his mother, don’t go there.

Teachers know that kids who get hauled in sobbing recover quickly. Listen to them.

OP, read EBSA. Don’t do it again.

I feigned illness. It worked. I feigned more illness. By high school I just didn’t go more than half the week. I was off so much school never chased it - like that back then. Parents didn’t challenge as it was harder work than just letting me crack on. I got up to all sorts. I had a lot of fun and seem to have weathered the less amusing consequences well. I still went to a Russel group uni but still attended at a minimum. Have been fine as an adult but have a low tolerance for boredom and my job history reflects that. I was very lucky that I was academically very able and always had a great group of friends in and out of school. I was out of step with my peers because of it. Seemed years older because I had already done everything they were doing. Always had older friends and boyfriends - feel lucky to have made it out the other side with humour and sanity intact.

I wanted to give a different perspective, as I can see the majority of posts are advising you to give him to other choice. And although yes, we all do have to do things we don’t want to, I think treating this as disobedience misses the opportunity for you to connect with your child on their level.

You say that there is no other reason other than he misses you and you’ve explored it fully. I think that your son is telling you exactly what the issue might be. As it’s a Monday, he would have spent the weekend with you and you mention that you work from home, so he may also feel as though he is missing out while you are at home.

You might find it helpful to support him to understand his feelings around this and the feelings of separation and what that means for him, particularly on the Sunday evenings. Also in what ways he can think about what things to look forward to after school with you.

It’s difficult to provide a full view from outside, as you will know best what other factors are at play. You might wish to explore how much time he gets with you and how you may increase that in different ways.

This is just another perspective to consider and by no means is anyone else an expert on your child, but you.

I am probably a lone voice in this, but want to offer an alterative option.

I went through this with one of mine when he was 7 years old. The first year of school was fine, but then they mixed up the classes within the year group and I had nearly a whole year of tantrums every day (not just Mondays) and I would be in tears by the time we reached school. He hated school and I felt drained and guilty. The teachers failed to accept and recognise his issues which a few years later were clearly shown to be down to ASD. His ASD has an impact on his social skills and he still doesn't enjoy being around lots of other people, particularly strangers. Maybe if the school had allowed him to stay with his few friends, it would have been easier.

After an unhelpful school report and meeting, I made a decision to home educate and the whole atmosphere in our house improved immediately. No more battles, we worked together at home (I was a single mother, WFH with flexible hours). He did his maths and English with me every day (not following the school curriculum but I planned an appropriate scheme of work) alongside whatever else interested us both (science, geography, art, etc) and he improved beyond all expectations. He gained GCSEs at 16 and happily went off to college to learn his trade. Not being bound by school timetables allowed us both to enjoy our time together and build a life that suited him so much better. He is now a well-adjusted adult, self-employed in a career that suits him as it doesn't often force him into situations that he is uncomfortable with.

I often think that we force children into school too early in this country. I know that many parents need to work, but extending nursery years instead may avoid some of the trauma. Learning through play is so important and IMO the school curriculum is much too confined.

Oh that’s sad that you were trying to communicate to them.

You're supposed to be an adult. So you should be grown enough to not refer to a child that you don't even know this way just because he's struggling with going to school.

And I answered your question.

That is the life of so many children these days. I think we have forgotten children need family not paid help.

Many of the comments here don't have a clue.
My ds is 6 and he is very strong, we suspect he is on the spectrum. If I tried to manhandle him he would bite, kick, hit me..hes hurt me before. Smacking is illegal here so only thing I can do is try to talk him into going, just ordering him to go won't work as he's also very defiant and yelling raises his stress levels so he goes into a complete meltdown.

No way could we get him in the car without hurting him or ourselves.
It's not so easy as to say just make them go to school.. usually there is an underlying issue of some sort, whether that's anxiety, bullying, neurodiversity etc.
Glad you were able to get him in op you have my sympathy, it always helps if they have something to look forward to as a reward after school.

You are the parent! You wanted to parent! So parent your child!!!
I’m so sick of people letting their children get away with this kind of crap!
you tell your child they are going to school, you take them to school and you get them in there by whatever means!
If you don’t sort this now imagine what they will be like when they are older!

FFS it’s not rocket science!

I've read most of the posts and have no experience but do have thoughts....

He went in today because it's Tuesday not Monday.

He knows you're at home 'having fun' on a Monday - a continuation of the weekend.

As others have suggested, dress for a day in the office, remind him you've all got to get a move on as you need to be in before your boss (or whatever!), sweep him up in the chaos 😊. Good luck 💐