School refusing 6 year old, what to do?

[Twoweeksinaugust]

6 y/o ds has always been happy enough to go to school, he's never loved it but he goes without complaint.

For the last 3 Mondays he's refused to go, 1st time I handled it terribly and shouted as I needed to get to work and was stressed. Last week I was absolutely calm and let him stay home. Gave him a pep talk last night, he was in floods of tears and has refused to go today.

He just keeps saying he'll miss us too much. School office say nothing unusual happens on a Monday except whole school assembly, he tells me this isn't the problem.

Teacher has been absolutely useless and not returned my call to discuss / make a plan.

I'm at my wits end. He's home now, been told if he stays home he's to play in his room all day as we're WFH, there'll be no playing in the garden, trip to the park etc....I'm hoping he'll get so bored he goes to school.

He eats well, sleeps well, gets loads of exercise and fresh air.

Any advice? Please don't say physically force him, I won't, he's strong and determined and one of us will get injured, plus he's too heavy to carry 2 miles to school!

I had the same thought. Saying you’ll have to stay in your room and play would have been my idea of heaven as a kid! You substitute it with school work obviously. Hand writing practice, maths etc. This is last resort anyway, he should obviously go to school.

This. You’ve given him very mixed messages by letting him stay home then insisting he goes in, and now giving him the choice. You carry him in if needs be.

Why does the teacher need to ‘make a plan’? That’s your job as a parent. They’ve got enough to do.

To echo other posters, make being at home as boring and unpleasant as possible. No playing at all, not even in his room. No TV, no snacks except at the usual school times. Just schoolwork.

OP, is he ok going in on Tuesdays? Sorry, not a silly question just trying to work out if they do something in class on Mondays that he doesn’t like.

You need to find a way to get him in.

I say this with the utmost sympathy as my ds1 has had episodes of similar behaviour but I’ve always managed to get him there and in.

My friend’s dd had a really bad episode of this where she had to physically drag her in. She was 10. I can’t believe that you can’t get a 6 year old to the school building.

My friend persevered with her dd and they are now out the other side. She’s now 11 and goes to school on her own! That wouldn’t have happened if my friend had let her stay at home every time.

Haven’t got time to rtft but he is trying to tell you something. He does not have the words or the emotional maturity to know or describe what is wrong but he communicating in a way that he is able to and you are right to listen to it. Having been through extreme school refusal, mental health breakdowns and associated fallout with both of my children I absolutely will always come back to the mantra that ‘all behaviour is communication’.
School should be stepping up here and providing an opportunity for you and him to discuss and explore why Mondays in particular are an issue because I guarantee that before long it will be more than the one day. Perhaps ask for a referral to the counsellor/ed psych associated with the school (there will be one despite what they tell you).
Education is as much about a child’s personal growth as their academics and learning to trust their instincts is vital, he is telling you something is not right-please listen.

https://amzn.eu/d/08j2Nxgo

OP, I've not rtft but could you try one of these? I had them for DS2 & DS3. They didn't school refuse, but would worry about this & that. They worked well & worth a shout. He can tell you/ other adult what to write or if able just write a word or two & doesn't need to show you.

I can't imagine changing my career because my child didn't want to do something.

That's exactly what my best friend had to do at the same age. It took a few times but it did stop.

I know! wtf!

A friend of mine gave up her career because of this reason. But, she allowed her DD stay off school when she didn’t want to go, the horse bolted and then she couldn’t get her DD back.

It has destroyed my friends mental health and her DD is staring into adulthood with no qualifications.

Which is exactly why parents should not give an inch on this.
If a child is safe in school, they must go in. Some kids love school , some
kids hate it but parents should hold the line on attendance being compulsory

Of course you can. He is a six year old small boy. If you have to manhandle him into the car then so be it.
Every time you let him stay home you are allowing him to take control.

OP, you get him to school the same way you would get him out of your house if there was a fire. You just do. Stay as calm as you can. Just keep saying he has to go to school because it is Monday. Agree with how he feels adding. 'But it's Monday so it's time for school.' Bring uniform separately if required. If you can't get him out of the car when you get there, ring school and ask for their help.

What he has learned here is that if he cries and says he doesn't want to go, he doesn't have to. The logical extension to this is that if his initial cries don't work, he needs to do more of it, so it might not be very pretty but if you stick to your guns, it will be of enormous support to both of you when you want him to do or not do something else in the future. Much easier to grapple with a 6 year old than a 16 year old. Establish who is in charge now while you can still lift him.

This might not be about school. The occasional child is still upset within 5 minutes of the parent leaving after a difficult drop off but mostly they are fine. It is about the parent not being there more than it is about school on many occasions.

Mondays are harder due to the weekend, and some children find coming back after sickness/holidays very challenging. You, as the parent, just have to calmly and cheerfully ride it out. Schools have seen it all and once you get him back there, you can work with school to ease his transition from one environment to the other.

What won't work is the odd day off here and there when he fancies it and you don't feel up to fighting it.

Good luck OP. School will support you, not least because raising attendance figures is a big priority these days and odd days off add up, having a huge impact on learning and future opportunities.

This

Once you start letting them stay at home it gets very very very hard to row back.

Our niece is 9 and hasn’t been to school for a year. Her ‘education’ at home consists of basically nothing, maybe looking at some WH Smith type ‘reading and spelling’ and ‘basic maths’ books a few times a week. Other than that she watches YouTube and goes on her phone.

Honestly we are going to have a tidal wave of these uneducated aka ‘home educated’ anxious kids in 10 years, all in need of benefits and high level MH support. I’m dreading it

What plan do you expect the school to come up with, out of interest?

That’s appalling. What do her parents say about it?

He's six. How can any able bodied adult not overpower a six year old? If you let him get away with this crap now, he'll be a nightmare when he actually is too big to force.

I'd ask him to give me one concrete reason that he doesn't go to school. None of this 'missing you' shit. If he isn't ill, isn't being bullied, he goes to damn school.

What he might well be saying is he prefers being at home to being at school. OP doesn’t suggest it’s anything more complicated than that.

Whose parents? My nieces? They’ve joined the ‘their mental health is more important’ camp. Completely swerving the point that her ‘mental health’ for 60+ years as an adult will be very impacted by having no qualifications and no friends. Tbh I think she will just live in her parents spare room for life, on screens.

Both of my kids have had plenty of days when they don’t want to go to school even though they are generally happy there, it’s more common if they’ve had time off for holidays or just had a really good weekend because school is a bit boring in comparison. There are plenty of times when I don’t want to go to work too even though I’d say I enjoy my job in general. I would never let them have a day off as a result, thats just asking for it to turn into a bigger issue. I also have very strict criteria for illness if they haven’t got fever/ diarrhoea or vomiting (or something you have to be off for like chickenpox) then they go to school.

I explore the issue, then say ‘I know you don’t want to go but this is one of those times when mummy has to do what’s best for you even if you don’t want to like brushing teeth/ going to the drs/ putting sunscreen on. It’s really important you go’ Then you get them there however you need to, pick them up and put them in the car, carry them in whatever is needed. I have a friend who carried her boy to school in his PJs more than once!

I have also explained to my kids that I will get fined and might even have to go to prison if I don’t get them to school because that is part of what is expected of parents and that we as parents have a responsibility for our kids to be educated.

Unless you want to homeschool you need to nip this in the bud very early imo. You don’t have to be shouty but you do have to be firm.

In the case of refusing to leave the car you could turn the car off and wait. When he is bored and knows he isn’t going to get his own way he will go in.

I also say when I have to explain why we are so late to his teacher I will be explaining exactly what he is doing.

If you really have no other way you could also ring the school and ask if the headteacher will come out and help you.

That's disappointing that the class teacher hasn't responded but I'd check that you're using the best way to reach them. As you've already tried I would contact the Head, forwarding the original email or screenshot from Arbor or ClassCharts or whatever you use, and say something like:

Dear Ms Head,

As I've not been able to talk with Mr Teacher yet, I was keen to find out if there is a better way of getting in touch. I am struggling with Child's school refusal and would like to discuss some approaches.

Talking with Child and Sibling hasn't revealed any specific concerns about his school experience but in the morning when we're trying to leave for school he will:

• bullet point list here
• about how he behaves
• when he's trying to avoid school

I don't want to physically manhandle him as I know this would escalate things. Please can you email me back so we can arrange a meeting, either in-person or via Teams, or a phone call. I work full time from home but can be reached by email here: (give whatever contact preferences and info you can).

He's always enjoyed school in the past so I'm not sure where this has come from. I'm keen to work with you to best support him in coming to school.

Many thanks,

Your Name

I don't know what the set up is at your school but at ours we have Family Engagement Officers or Family Engagers who really work very hard to support families in your situation. School refusal happens for a range of reasons and at this stage the main thing is that school know you're keen to work with them and you will work together to find the best way ahead for your child.

Young children can suffer from separation anxiety. It's not the "being apart" that makes them anxious, it's the "moment of parting". If you can make as little fuss as possible during the transition from home to school, and make the parting short and sweet, that will help. Sometimes offering a transition object helps - something of yours, or something from home, to hold on to while he's at school. Don't offer choices. School is non-negotiable at this stage. If you can arrange a direct handover to a member of staff, so much the better. Leaving an anxious child standing in the playground isn't fun for either party. Neither is a long, drawn out farewell.