School refusing 6 year old, what to do?

[Twoweeksinaugust]

6 y/o ds has always been happy enough to go to school, he's never loved it but he goes without complaint.

For the last 3 Mondays he's refused to go, 1st time I handled it terribly and shouted as I needed to get to work and was stressed. Last week I was absolutely calm and let him stay home. Gave him a pep talk last night, he was in floods of tears and has refused to go today.

He just keeps saying he'll miss us too much. School office say nothing unusual happens on a Monday except whole school assembly, he tells me this isn't the problem.

Teacher has been absolutely useless and not returned my call to discuss / make a plan.

I'm at my wits end. He's home now, been told if he stays home he's to play in his room all day as we're WFH, there'll be no playing in the garden, trip to the park etc....I'm hoping he'll get so bored he goes to school.

He eats well, sleeps well, gets loads of exercise and fresh air.

Any advice? Please don't say physically force him, I won't, he's strong and determined and one of us will get injured, plus he's too heavy to carry 2 miles to school!

DD1 went through a phase a few months ago of being really upset about going to school. There was no reason I could see and we did have a fair few tearful mornings where I just had to hand her over at school gate with her crying. Once she was in she was fine (I know this as apart from teacher telling me, I had to go to school office to fill in a form and walked back past her class about 10 mins later and she was perfectly fine!).

It turned out there was a couple of little things that has been escalating, some minor friendship issues and also she didn’t like the reading group she was in, but it took a long time for her to be able to verbalise that’s what was going on.

Is it Monday in particular? My DD hates assembly, I think it’s the sitting on the floor for long periods that they do and she just finds it really dull.

I will say that I never wavered on her going to school because I think once they know that’s an option, it’s very difficult to come back from that. I stuck to the same sort of script, that I knew she didn’t want to go, that unfortunately she couldn’t stay home as we were working, that if she got to break time and was still very upset to talk to a teacher and they could ring me. She never did as by break time she was obviously fine.

I would definitely want to talk to teacher and if they aren’t responding, then to the head teacher.

Oh one other thing: I do most of the school runs but I got DH to do more of them, the change seemed to help (he’s a lot more gung ho to about just sending her in and off he goes too, which sounds brutal but it did really seem to help).

The issue is him physically restricting you from taking him to school as that seems to be the hurdle for you, he needs to know that it is completely unacceptable to behave like this and there will be consequences. You have established there is no issue at school and it’s after a weekend at home so he just doesn’t want to go. Serious words need to be had about his behaviour and restricting things that he enjoys as a result of his terrible behaviour. What are you going to do when he’s 15 and doesn’t want to go and is happy to physically fight you to prevent you from making him? This can’t be an option for him and he needs to learn very quickly

Something has clearly happened and he's communicating his distress. Concerning that you aren't getting anywhere with a chat with his teacher. Maybe that's an indicator of the problem - an indifferent teacher!
Get hold of Kate Silverstone there's still no such thing as naughty - it'll help you understand what's happening with your son and how to support him.
My children have had times when they've refused to go to school and there's always been a solid reason as to why they feel like that. I've allowed them to be at home, calm down and then had a curious conversation with them as to why they feel like they do. Lots of hugs and reassurance and really listening to them. I knew if I didn't engage with them they would become much more of a school refuser than if I just took that time with them.
Editing to say my children generally go in now ok, even with some ongoing issues. They know I'll have their backs and will support them to feel safe and secure at school.

Everyone saying "oh, it must be something that happens on a Monday" - isn't that something just school and him being 6 and not wanting to go - especially when he knows mummy and daddy are at home?

I used to go to a school that opened on bank holidays and I remember getting SO upset that I had to go to lessons while my parents were at home, lol.

There's always a "[insert word] avoidance" disorder when you need one

I had this with DD2 at 11 and thought it was just a matter of getting over starting at secondary school, fitting in and getting used to it. For her it absolutely was not and knowing what I know now would never have forced her into school as it's entirely counterproductive.

Work with the school and agree a gradual return, it may just get him over the end of term. It might be longer term EBSA and additional needs. I'd suggest joining the group Not Fine in School on Facebook, plenty of good advice on there.

There’s always someone with no experience of this to belittle and dismiss the very real problems facing lots of families.
Walk a mile in their shoes please before talking nonsense.

In my child’s case it was a case of inserting two words - pathological and demand. You’re very lucky to be in a position to make the arsey comment you just have.

You put your this is your mother talking voice on and say you are going to school today and no arguments. You are the adult. And you will store up all sorts of grief for yourself if you start giving in to him now, what will it be like when he's 15 and bigger than you?

But what happens on Tuesday does he go willingly then? If so it's something that happens on Monday's that is upsetting him. And you need to find out what that is.

And you don't say he can play in his room all day, he can do school work in his room all day. Give him spellings to learn, sums to do, etc and make sure he does it properly. It's not a play day it's a working day.

Some of these suggestions are horrific , I’m actually hopeful that they are written to wind ppl up !
anxiety dosent just appear, if creeps up and is debilitating . Have you ruled out autism/adhd ?

Well now you’ve let him stay at home you had made it even harder for yourself 🙄

He’s 6 … seriously? You’re suggesting he is stronger than you?

Have you ever tried inserting the word discipline?

So what level of mental health detriment should we be inflicting now for their long term interests? Is it OK to keep forcing them in if they only bruise their face a little bit by banging their forehead against a wall? What about when they find a brick wall and it turns into grazes and bigger bruises, maybe minor concussion? What level of self inflicted scratches are OK? What about when they pull their own nails out, do we still keep sending them in and do we still make them do PE with missing toenails, because it's all their fault they shouldn't have self harmed?

A six year old who is carried bodily into school and left there against their will will one day be a 14 year old and they will no longer be carried in then. Forcing a child risks storing up trauma for a bigger reaction when they are finally old enough not to be carried in. Better to address it now so you have a sustainable system in place for when you lose the ability to physically overpower them.

Even if all you're trying to do is reduce the self injurous behaviour, people label you as a weak and ineffectual parent. Damn right I didn't anticipate having to give up work to keep my child safe. No one does. But it would have been better if I had taken action and listened to my child before they started self harming. That seems such an obvious fact as to be almost pointless to state, but this is exactly what some of these "weak" parents are doing.

Teacher has been absolutely useless and not returned my call to discuss / make a plan.

Your DC has told you that they have no concerns about school itself, as have his sibling and friends yet you have the cheek to say the teacher has been useless.

What do you expect them to do that you as their parent can't?

Well yes. When a lot of people suffer from a similar problem, it’s natural that they’re going to adopt an easy way to refer to that problem so that they can discuss it easily and find suggestions and resources that might help them easily. Calling it Emotionally Based School Avoidance (EBSA for short) is just a shorthand label so people can tackle it. So I’m not sure what point you’re trying to make tbh.

Well er... lucky you?

There is no ‘trauma’. Children in Gaza are traumatised. 6 hours a day doing play based learning and singing songs is not ‘traumatic’.

Oh gosh, you might just have found the cure for autism 🙄

I used to say “you’ve got to give it a try, so let’s try and go together and you can speak to the teacher later on if you’re feeling unhappy and she will be able to help”

just keep repeating it and be positive

It’s not the teacher’s job to have a conversation about this! Just get the little blighter into school.

This sort of thing is rarely helpful. Trauma is relative.

When I was a child I broke both legs after a horrific accident , my mother (emotionally detached) just said to me ‘worse things happen at sea’. I was so upset that my pain and suffering wasn’t recognised.

Where were the PDA kids when I was at school? And I don’t mean ‘small children beaten so they would conform’ I mean the 14/15 year olds who walked into school every day? Nobody was carrying them in kicking and screaming, they just turned up.

I’m sorry but this is getting massively out of hand. And storing up massive problems for society.

Will emotion based work avoidance be next?

There are different types of trauma.
Children are not one homogeneous group, they are individuals. Some skip through school easily, nowadays sadly far more are badly affected by school, to the point where we have an all time high number of those suffering EBSA, and more NEETs than ever, and a government sticking their heads in the sand about it, and people online shouting about discipline and ignoring the growing and obvious problem that school for many children is no longer fit for purpose.

They would have been at home refusing or in the SEN room or a PRU. Some girls I knew were sent to a residential unit short term (they had school refusal and eating disorders) that is why you didn’t notice it didn’t mean those emotional issues didn’t exist previously