School refusing 6 year old, what to do?

[Twoweeksinaugust]

6 y/o ds has always been happy enough to go to school, he's never loved it but he goes without complaint.

For the last 3 Mondays he's refused to go, 1st time I handled it terribly and shouted as I needed to get to work and was stressed. Last week I was absolutely calm and let him stay home. Gave him a pep talk last night, he was in floods of tears and has refused to go today.

He just keeps saying he'll miss us too much. School office say nothing unusual happens on a Monday except whole school assembly, he tells me this isn't the problem.

Teacher has been absolutely useless and not returned my call to discuss / make a plan.

I'm at my wits end. He's home now, been told if he stays home he's to play in his room all day as we're WFH, there'll be no playing in the garden, trip to the park etc....I'm hoping he'll get so bored he goes to school.

He eats well, sleeps well, gets loads of exercise and fresh air.

Any advice? Please don't say physically force him, I won't, he's strong and determined and one of us will get injured, plus he's too heavy to carry 2 miles to school!

someone else on here had the same problem of refusing and a teacher gave the child a “job” to do each day he was in (i dont recall if it was all week or he was part time recovering from something) so it made things different and let him do something he liked.

im not sure what it was, being a monitor of pencils or whatever or painting something pethaps, but whatever it was it got him in the door.

have a word with the teacher and ask her advice. she will have seen it all before so will have a idea and might know why he has lost his confidence. maybe he needs extra praise and reassurance to get him over this difficult time.

I’ve gone through this with 3 of mine (all autistic, EBSA).

At this stage if there are no other concerns or underlying issues I would try not giving a pep talk, not being cross, but giving some after school options for him to look forward to - “after school tomorrow do you want to go for an ice cream or go and feed the ducks?” eg, so there’s a positive thing for him to focus on instead of worrying about school.

Dragging or carrying a child in is likely to make things worse.
If he’s worrying about it putting the fear of god in him (you’ll end up in jail - wtf??) will lead to more fear and anxiety around school.
Yes you’re his mother, but you are also his trusted person and there are effective approaches that don’t undermine that relationship, unlike forcing.

Look up EBSA strategies. Look at techniques teaching him to negotiate things outside of school (like the ice cream/duck example) so he feels in control of something external whilst distracting him from the school part.

Realistically a 6 yr male is not stronger than you.

I would wait it out.
Get him calmer explain it IS happening.
I'd unclip the seat belt when i could and hold it so it couldnt be put back in. Then I'd open the door pull / push him out get the door closed and lock the car. Now he is stuck as he cant get in the car.
I'd hold him or keep him on the floor if he tried to bolt.

If i had to sit by that car until 3.15 I would

My child also wouldnt be receiving a single treat or watching a single cartoon or (if you allow it) playing computer games while this bullshit was going on. No matter how painful it was for me.

I dont like "unecesaary work" or "problems" so this is a hill I would die on now to avoid "a long term war" later.
If this carries on its going to be a problem throughout his teens.

I would also start getting everyone up at 6am in anticipation for this nonsense so you an still get to work on time.

I think a small treat after school or job in the classroom is a good idea.

Frog march him into school. He doesn't get to decide.

Can he go with a friend, pick them upon the way or the other parents collects your son, does he have a friend at school,over for tea or breakfast.

We had this. On one occasion I had to phone the school to let them know, and they could hear DC screaming in the background.

We booked an appointment with the head teacher and they put a programme of how to deal with it in place. DC still doesn't love school but now goes in willingly.

Go to the top for help with this. It won't be the first time they've had this issue with a child.

I can see both sides of this. We managed to get our son into school all through primary, using various of the methods people have suggested. Reassurance from school that he was "fine" once there.

He was quite traumatised by the end I think, and it contributed to him missing the whole of Y10 in depression/autistic burnout. He hadn't got an autism diagnosis at 6, he was just super bright and inclined to lay down on the ground when upset.

He is not giving you a very clear reason but he's only 6, he may not understand it himself. If he is genuinely overwhelmed by school then a day to play by himself sounds like bliss and it might not be the negative experience you hope, but also it might reset him. If he just loves it, I think you should be curious about that and consider why that is more fun for him than seeing his friends etc.

I think here there is a middle way. Listen to him, let him tell you how much he hates going to school. Sympathise, acknowledge his feelings but don't feed it. Make a little calendar with him with a countdown to the holidays, to put it in perspective. There are what, 5 Mondays left? Write some treats on the chart - include positives like school trips, weekend things you have planned, and I would add a couple more treats. Not as bribery but things he gets to look forward to anyway. They could be small - buy some sweets or a magazine after school, get an ice-cream from the van. Just little touch points that give him something else to focus on than Monday morning school.

I think it comes down to your judgement call of whether you think he is genuinely really struggling, temporarily tired with end of term or actually fine. What's he like when you pick him up from school these days? Is he basically fine, or angry, or shouty, or silent? If he does after school childcare or clubs could you knock these back for a few weeks? If he is basically fine you can probably afford to use some of that harsher techniques but if not, further distressing a distressed child is not always the way forward. Believe me I've done it. I am not a lily-livered ineffectual parent, I'm a parent who has had to change my parenting techniques when the received wisdom of "it's a non-negotiable"/just make them go made my child ill.

Title is misleading and reads as the school is refusing to take him.

He is frigging 6. He goes. Whether you both like it or not. Good God, when did tiny children start to call the shots?

Only correct reply!

You don’t let a 6 year old….or a 16 year old… just not do something they don’t like.
Is this ‘gentle parenting’? God help you!

We had similar with my son after an incident with a shouty supply teacher. In all honestly I think we went with bribery and offered a treat after school on a Wednesday for a couple of weeks. At this age I would do absolutely everything to get him into school as it will be a massive battle as he gets older.

What happens on Tuesday? Does he go happily? If so then you need to work out what is happening on Monday to stress him.

Two of mine have had periods of refusal. Every tactic under the sun. The relentless message was that you go to school. I carried, cajoled, rewarded and facilitated that anyway I could. At six it’s a non negotiable. You work with the teacher and take the child. It is not good for them to be in a bedroom alone all day while you wfh. By all means talk and understand but don’t give in. Obviously if your child is autistic or has other issues it’s more complex but otherwise at your break take them in. You can’t give in - my truancy started in primary and it never stopped because I knew I could stay off. It’s the same for most truants who don’t have additions needs.

Genuine question, have you ever tried to manhandle a 6 year old (or a 16 year old) into clothes, safely in a car, into school?

One of mine started school refusing at 6, we spent 5 years forcing him, but even then from a young age there were times when we literally could not get in. There was a time we managed to get him in the car in his pyjamas and to school, where a teacher met us - she was so upset at his distress and also couldn’t safely handle him in any way to get him in.

So sick of judgement from people who clearly have not experienced this.

You need to speak to the school today OP to get support and a proper plan in place. They should have an Early Help officer who would be a good person to help, if not then ask for head of key stage or one of the safeguarding leads. Don’t let them fob you off, yes they are busy but this needs to be sorted now otherwise it will escalate and it will become more and more difficult to sort out.
I feel for you and for your son, he’s only little still and there might be something at school that has bothered him. Someone from outside the family might be better placed to get to the bottom of it.

Just to add, my son is nearly 6, he has never refused school but we’ve definitely had some tricky Mondays if something the week before has bothered him. I also work in a special school so understand that sometimes there’s no clear reason but it’s usually rooted in anxiety. Hope you get the support you need as a family.

I've dealt with this type of thing a lot as a school manager (yes I know it's easier not being the parent, but I've been there as the parent too). Giving in is not an option as you are making the problem bigger. Anger and frustration doesn't work either as they dig their heels in (metaphorically and otherwise).

You need to make it clear he needs to be at school while also finding out / guessing what the reasons might be. Talk around possible reasons rather than ask - 'I think you might find x hard'. He may not even know why but something you say might ring true for him. Then negotiate possibilities and come up with rewards for compliance. Express confidence in him succeeding as well as making the boundary clear.

Also kids who refuse to move can give in eventually - repetition of 'you need to go to school, what might help you get there' can be effective if you keep your cool and persist. Maybe just accept you'll be starting work later next Monday and let your boss know that you need cover or will make up the time.

You pick him up and carry him. He’s six years old - he doesn’t get to control this.

Ask him what he wants to do when he grows up and then tell him how he can't do it without school.

*And if he tells you he wants a life on benefits God help us all!

PS I've sometimes spoken to kids on the phone when their parent has rung in desperation. I offer things like a preferred member of staff to talk to or to stay in the office for a while (they get fed up with that eventually) or a friend to meet them on arrival etc. Ask school to help.

Does he go happily Tuesday - Friday? If so, I’d assume it’s a case of once he’s there he feels better, which is good. If it was bullying or similar he wouldn’t want to go any day.

If the only reason he can give you is that he will miss you, what about saying you will go to see him at lunchtime on Mondays? He only needs to manage a couple of hours in the morning then he can see you. You could eat lunch together in the car outside. Then he goes back and only needs to manage a couple of hours until you see him at the end of school. This might build up his confidence on Mondays and hopefully after a while he’ll start to prefer lunchtimes with his friends anyway.

You both work from home today

So it could be he sees you staying at home and think he can as well

Have you tried both of you taking him? Get office dressed and both get in the car saying we need to go to work and you need to go to school.

Role play basically.

Or just Dad take him?
Dads are cooler than mums at school drop off!

I have a 12 year old DS who is also a school refuser - you definitely need to be firmer than this. My DS is diagnosed ASD with oppositional defiance added to the mix and I've never not been able to make him go in (yet - but he's going to be bigger than me next year so we'll see).

I've never had to lay hands on him to get him in either. I'm not saying there haven't been days where I've caved and let him stay home but he's gone to school any day I decided he was going.

This will get worse so you need to hold the line as much as possible.

my neighbours son locked himself in the loo so we had to unscrew the door and take him! So prise off his fingers from the car door and off you go. Good luck!

What are you going to do when he doesn't want to go to school on a Tuesday ?