School refusing 6 year old, what to do?

[Twoweeksinaugust]

6 y/o ds has always been happy enough to go to school, he's never loved it but he goes without complaint.

For the last 3 Mondays he's refused to go, 1st time I handled it terribly and shouted as I needed to get to work and was stressed. Last week I was absolutely calm and let him stay home. Gave him a pep talk last night, he was in floods of tears and has refused to go today.

He just keeps saying he'll miss us too much. School office say nothing unusual happens on a Monday except whole school assembly, he tells me this isn't the problem.

Teacher has been absolutely useless and not returned my call to discuss / make a plan.

I'm at my wits end. He's home now, been told if he stays home he's to play in his room all day as we're WFH, there'll be no playing in the garden, trip to the park etc....I'm hoping he'll get so bored he goes to school.

He eats well, sleeps well, gets loads of exercise and fresh air.

Any advice? Please don't say physically force him, I won't, he's strong and determined and one of us will get injured, plus he's too heavy to carry 2 miles to school!

I’m sorry but he’s six. He goes to school whether he wants to or not.

Yeah agree....
I think letting him stay home because he cried enough was a big mistake.

Now he knows if he puts on enough of a show and he can watch tv on the sofa and eat nice snacks half the day.

I would 100% want to get to the bottom of it (friends, mean kids, feeling hlike he "isnt good at anything" not liking the lunch) but in the meantime school would be a non-negotiable...
You can have a chat when he is calmer, make some compromises etc. But he would be going.

If you are going to insist on letting him stay him stay home imo you should it as dull /boring / unfun as possible.
Eg. No tv, no toys plain lunch no treats or sweets.
Give him educational exercise books to do alongside you as you work (letters numbers fine motor skills) when he is bored "thats a shame he could be in school having fun..mummy has to work now".

Genuinely question, how would I get him to school? He was holding on to the seat belt / car door / would not get out of the car? I'm not able to physically force him, how would I get him there?

I've explored it all, he reports nothing of concern, as confirmed by his sister and some of his friends.

Today will be beyond boring, I genuinely do have to work so I've got no time to entertain anyway.

It's not that I'm "insisting" on keeping him home, it's that I'm physically unable to get him to school. I've even tried bribery but that hasn't worked either.

If you’re giving in to this at 6 I despair for the future.

You have a conversation and make it clear school is-non negotiable…I go to work figuratively kicking and screaming because I’d rather be doing other things but I have to go!

Does he get his own ways on other issues of legality?
Shoplifting (him /you) because he cries a lot for a toy?
All he knows is cry enough dm gives in.

I think a lot of people have been there where their kid goes through a few weeks of school refusal. There will be something underlying, even if it’s just end of school year tiredness. But you need to push through and get him in somehow. I have had to pick up my kids and carry them to school before.

I think letting them miss school will just make your problem harder in the long term. School should help you with ways to get them in. I think you need to muster the strength to get him into the car.

My DS is quite an anxious type and I found a book called “helping your child with fears and worries” really useful. You could get the audiobook and listen to it as soon as you can. It has practical steps for jointly finding solutions to the problem with your child.

This sounds very stressful and I’m sure you’re very conscious of this, but it would be better to get this sorted as soon as possible. Otherwise you’re reinforcing that there is something that is scary about on a Monday and he is right to avoid it.

You are rewarding his tantrum by letting him stay home and play. He's 6 and he is running rings around you. Pick him up and deliver him to his school. Then drive off.

Ds2 was a school refuser from the first year (age 3 in this country, not UK).

Turns out he has ADHD and dyspraxia and school was torture for him.

So I do understand just how hard it is, especially when they are too big to physically pick up.

However, your son sounds likes it more end of year tiredness. He needs to go to school. Treat it as any other disobedience. Don't just make the day boring (it might still be more fun than school!) But take away TV etc. In the evenings.

He's only 6. He doesn't get a choice. Carry him if you have to.

Make sure you have some (quite boring) workbooks and basic reading books (preferably the insanely boring phonics ones). If it's genuinely that he prefers to be at home "with you" you need to make sure he doesn't get to spend time with you just because he's at home - this will feel really unkind/harsh. Set the work, leave him to it. "You need to do schoolwork and you chose not to do it with your friends at school, so you need to do it at home on your own instead."

I have the same with dd (5). Demand avoidant ASD and I don’t know what to do. Physically can’t get her dressed

Surely you get to school a bit earlier and if he’s holding on to the seatbelt you can go into the school and get one of his friends to come get him, a teacher, a cleaner absolutely anybody. If that’s an option and won’t put people out too much

or

you go there early and you wait at the car until he does go in take the morning off work if you have to. You must not let him dictate

or

bribary and star chart

or

good old fashioned parenting. None of this talking about feelings crap. Tell him he has to go to school and that’s final

or

scare the crap out of him- ‘if you don’t go to school I go to jail’

you know him best so pick the approach which would suit him the best. Good luck

And do you realise what happens when he has one mark on him from this ? Parents will be subjected to safeguarding which causes trauma to the whole family. You can’t just restrain and potentially mark a child just to get them dragged into school.

He's 6. Your tone of voice & attitude should be enough without needing to physically pick him up.

you have now let him stay home 2 Mondays in a row because he created, that's really not going to help is it?

what do you expect his teacher to do, she's not at your house before school ??

what happened tue-Fri last week?

This is going to start impacting your DD too. Why should she go if he can stay home & play??

He's 6 and you are supporting the behaviour by letting him stay home.

I also have a periodic school refuser (now 8)- usually the week of the 10th June and about once or twice a year around that. Last week he had to be peeled off my by the school and taken in because he refused to go. 5 mins later......I got a message to say he was all fine and you wouldn't even tell anything was wrong. He did have an underlying reason to not want to be separated from me though. It helped him to talk it through with his teacher and family liaison worker.
I felt awful but school is a non- negotiable. We had a good chat when he came home and he understood why he had to go. I still got the I don't want to go speech this morning though.

It could just be end of year tiredness rather than anything else. I'd reach out to the family support worker at the school rather than teacher. They would have better resources to help you

Literally sit in the car and wait him out, be prepared for the long haul. Give him nothing to do. He will get bored

Talk to the school and have a teacher meet you outside to help get him into school. I know of a mum at ds school who did this and the school were very good at helping mum out. If his class teacher is not responding escalate it and speak to the pastoral support.
Whats his actual issue? Just that he'll miss you? No bullying or any other problems?
At 6 school should not be optional, set some boundaries now or his teen years are going to be a nightmare.
And playing in his room cant be an option surely.

Is he fine on a Tuesday?
If this has just happened it sounds like something is making him anxious and it’s brewing in his little mind all weekend. Maybe the transition from everyone home together all weekend to start of the week is unsettling him.

Can you do something different about the way he gets to school? Pick up a friend or a neighbours child so they’re chatting away in the car? Can you walk or cycle, again take a friend or 2 along for distraction.
Can he get dropped off at a friends and goes to school with them? Is his Dad involved, could he take him to school to see if that makes a difference?
One of my friends had to get her mum to take her DD to preschool every day as the DD just wouldn’t go in for her but would for granny.
If you can speak with the teacher maybe, if you get there early, a staff member could come out with a special task for him to help her with?
Its worth just trying to break this cycle now before the holidays.

This. Take your work with you on a laptop and hotspot it to your phone. Or pretend to. Leave him in the back with nothing to do. He gets out when he's prepared to walk into school. Give him plenty to drink and hope he's not prepared to wet himself and goes into school to get to a loo. Don't drink yourself. Don't give in.

God op don’t do any of this bollocks

We’ve been there with school refusal, it’s infuriating when people tell you to “just get him in!”. When DS1 was 8 I physically couldn’t have forced him into the car even if I tried, let alone got his seat belt on/got him into school. We tried it all - gentle support, strictness, consequences for refusing to go in etc etc.

Ultimately some children find school very difficult at some times - and normal parenting strategies don’t always work.

@Twoweeksinaugust - you’re best off specifically searching for advise on EBSA (emotionally based school avoidance) - there will be lots of advice and strategies to try from people who have been there.

I had this problem with one of mine. After researching why the sudden change I realised that there wasn’t any other reason, apart from she would miss me and didn’t want to go in. It’s the Monday blues we all have returning to work after a lovely weekend with family. So I took her in, no matter what. It did mean we were up to a hour late a few times, so I had to explain to reception the situation. Her friends would ask why she was late, this seemed to embarrass her into stopping. You have to make your child go into school otherwise it’s going to turn into something worse, and she’ll learn she can always do it.

Classy 🤣