“I’ll get my mum in”

[HotandSteamy]

Without sounding like an episode of Motherland.
DH and I work fulltime (professional jobs) and have to manage a tight diary with kids.
The last few weeks were always planned to be busy- GCSEs, work experience and school runs for a primary school child. All planned carefully as we both have to travel but always deconflict diaries. We both arranged to stay local and take leave for the odd day.
Until of course my husband “had” to travel.
and the solution as always was
“I’ll get my mother in…..” Marvellous.

so I like my MIL and it’s very kind for her to come but it makes my life actually harder not easier whilst he is away.
Another bed to change
More consideration about what to cook for dinner when I do get home from work
The house needs to be kept tidier
Polite conversation to make in the evening when I’m tired and monosyllabic
She is here for the whole week…

But the worse thing is the poor poppet (my DH) appeared for 24 hours before flying out again and reverted to being 10 again with his mother in the house. Needed a “lie in” whilst I got up again at 6am, did packed lunches, and took two kids to exams and work experience on 6 hours sleep myself.

so now frazzled and pissed off. The mental load is large.

”I’ll get my mother in” is not the easy way out and why do men revert to being even more useless when their mother is around.

Grrrr and breathe

You are making a mountain out of a molehill, you don’t like your MIL but happy to use her for your childcare.

There seems a lot of judgement here. My husband is a senior army officer and can’t talk about much of what he does. So the “had” to travel means I have no way of knowing the urgency of the need to no longer be on his planned annual leave this week.
we outsource plenty- cleaner, PA, gardener, secretaries I could go on. I have had a fulltime nanny in the past and the kids are now in schools which they can stay for dinner etc when needed or even casually board in an emergency.
However the plan this week was for him to stay at home and help our middle child with his GCSE revision and get him in a calm state to each exam as he is really very nervous. No “paid help” would achieve this. He has assuaged his guilt by getting his mother in (for which I am grateful) but in many ways the evenings are now much more hard work. That was all my rant was about

Surely with a schedule like this, it will actually be helpful to have MIL.

I assume she deals with everything the kids need in the daytime while you are at work? ferrying them around, supporting them, being there.. but you're worried about changing a bed and feeding an extra mouth during that time?

I wouldn't be letting my DH have a lie in just because his mum is there, but I'd thank your lucky stars you've got family who can help with such a demanding situation!

If MIL happy to muck in and help then I could see why DH offered this, but this doesn’t seem to be the situation here. On most threads where one parent is going away leaving the other one at home it is usually expected that the absent parent sorts out the childcare/household issues to ensure the parent at home isn’t having to do everything. In this case DH hasn’t come up with a reasonable solution and in fact has added to the load

But I don’t know how you manage those hours with a partner who also has FT job that also involves travel. Can’t see anyone benefitting with that workload

That's quite a drip feed!

OK so if you have know way of knowing whether he really had to travel, you need to give him the benefit of the doubt, unless you have other evidence that he is deliberately slacking off parenting.

Assuming he really had to travel, the plan for him to help the DC went tits-up through no fault of his own. He did his best by getting MIL in, and it is not his fault if you find her more of a hinderance than a help.

I understand the need to rant and the frustration.
The solution is for you to get better at 'manging' MIL. No need for you to tidy and clean before she comes, that is just your house-proudness making a rod for your own back.
If she is coming to help, give her jobs to do. She can make her own bed up if you tell her where the clean linen is stored. She can tidy, or get food, or whatever else is needed.

Fair enough - I've been around the military enough to understand how all that works. But I totally feel your pain about 'help' from your MIL. The worst thing is the being unable to relax, and having to make pleasant conversation over breakfast when its the last thing you feel like.

Not sure why there are so many judgemental comments here. The OP is clearly grateful and lucky for the help but having a justified moan that her week was hard than it was intended to be.

Well, that's the problem there. You have three children, why are both of you working all the hours and travelling all over the place?

Both of you need to sort your lifestyles out or get a nanny or housekeeper or some other paid help. DH needs to not change things last minute, but if you are both around at home more then it's not so much of an issue.

Oh and we do live very rurally- absolutely no public transport.

A 16 year old should be able to make their own way to their exams/school/WE placement. And make their own lunches. Is there literally no public transport at all?

I'd just tell DH I don't need his Mum staying thank you. If you can't actually use her for household support and she ends up being a burden then there's no point. And him turning into a baby when she's around is nauseating. I'd tell him that too!

Thank you. Yes we have very rewarding jobs and a happy family.
i am very grateful for her help. As you point out it just makes the evenings harder. And I thought the fact a grown man returned for 24 hours and regressed to be a child again because she was around to help was funny.
There are some harsh comments on here- but neither of us can work less hard due to the jobs we are in and do outsource everything we can. My oldest is learning o drive and that will then make things considerably easier.

I was in house and not magic circle, so ‘only’ a little over £100k, bit would have gone higher if I hadn’t developed Parkinson’s and had to go heavily part time (thus losing the house and life I’d fought to maintain, but, honestly, I’d probably have been dead of a heart attack at 60 otherwise, not even joking)

“kids are now in schools which they can stay for dinner etc when needed or even casually board in an emergency.”

Do this

The oldest is doing work experience not GCSEs

Of course! Maybe living rurally given your working hours was not the best choice?

Sounds like kids are at private schools which might mean further away than your average secondary school, hence the reason child needs help getting there rather than public transport or walking