“I’ll get my mum in”

[HotandSteamy]

Without sounding like an episode of Motherland.
DH and I work fulltime (professional jobs) and have to manage a tight diary with kids.
The last few weeks were always planned to be busy- GCSEs, work experience and school runs for a primary school child. All planned carefully as we both have to travel but always deconflict diaries. We both arranged to stay local and take leave for the odd day.
Until of course my husband “had” to travel.
and the solution as always was
“I’ll get my mother in…..” Marvellous.

so I like my MIL and it’s very kind for her to come but it makes my life actually harder not easier whilst he is away.
Another bed to change
More consideration about what to cook for dinner when I do get home from work
The house needs to be kept tidier
Polite conversation to make in the evening when I’m tired and monosyllabic
She is here for the whole week…

But the worse thing is the poor poppet (my DH) appeared for 24 hours before flying out again and reverted to being 10 again with his mother in the house. Needed a “lie in” whilst I got up again at 6am, did packed lunches, and took two kids to exams and work experience on 6 hours sleep myself.

so now frazzled and pissed off. The mental load is large.

”I’ll get my mother in” is not the easy way out and why do men revert to being even more useless when their mother is around.

Grrrr and breathe

It doesn’t sound like you’re happy. It also seems like your family set up isn’t fit for purpose. On senior military officer and consultant surgeon salaries, taxis seem possible for ferrying the kids about. Living rurally was a choice, but something has to give. When I lived rurally as a teen, there was no option but to take the school bus for exams. If that meant hanging about before and after exams, so be it. My parents weren’t able to be there to ferry us about so work experience was take a taxi or find someone there to give you a lift.

It isn’t funny that a grown man, responsible for the safety and security of our nation in his job reverts to being a child when his mother is about. That’s worrying.

You need to find a solution and buy in the help you need, or one of you needs to reduce your working hours. You decided to raise a family, but have also decided not to make any sort of change to your careers. That’s unsustainable.

@HotandSteamy what were you expecting to happen, as I assume he didn't have much choice in the travel? What normally happens if one of you gets called in/away unexpectedly?

Missing the point entirely here but you took 2 weeks off work to support your teenage kids, supervise their revision, and keep them off the playstation? Either times have changed, or my parents were very remiss indeed. I was left to it for my exams, and expected to have the housework and cooking done too.

On the question, sounds irritating, yeah. So tell DH you don't need MIL help. Get your nearly adult kids to help. One of them can make up beds, cook dinner, whatever.

Im a bit astounded at suggestions that you could tell MIL she isn't here for a holiday, then leave her to the cooking while you have a glass of wine. So I wouldn't recommend that.

Wow. So nasty.
For clarity- we have a 17 year old son doing work experience (he’s my DH son not mine and his mum died when he was a baby- I am sure someone will find something nasty to say about that too)
I have a second son who is mid GCSEs and will be 16 in August
and an 11 year old daughter

You don’t need your MIL there.

Christ. How do you think single parents with no family get on? They just do it!

You sound insufferable.

Don't be ridiculous. OP's post isn't even about her own mother, it's about her husband inviting OP's MIL to help, when OP doesn't find her helpful at all.

The 16 year old is OP's son, I think. The 17yo is her DH's.

In fairness her OP is very scathing.

She says he husband just "had" to travel when he agreed not to .. yet he does actually have to travel, it's his job and it really can't be helped.

She's sarcastic about MILs help: "marvelous" and says it "makes her life harder".. because she has to change another bed, feed an extra mouth, and keep the house tidier(?!).

Her complaint about DH reverting to a child is absolutely valid, but at the end of the day, OP has an important job, her husband has an important job, the kids have needs at the moment, and they have family who will come in and help them when they need them to .. it pisses me off when people run that down, like it is worthless to be honest.

Even with MIL there OP is still running the kids around, making lunches, cooking dinners and keeping the house tidy.. it sounds to me like OP is a martyr who doesn't want to accept help on principle so is finding lame excuses to be pissed off about it.

She needs the help and should graciously accept it, rather than say it 'makes her life harder'.

The OP posted here to have a rant - but yet again people go off at tangents and get really unpleasant. Most AIBU threads that get lots of replies end up this way. Its a shame

Everytime I go away for the weekend or on holiday with friends, DH whisks DC off to his mothers. He cannot even stay in the house when I’m not around. Which I find odd as when the position is reversed my mother is nowhere to be seen.

If you want to rant, write it down and throw it away.
Don’t write it on a forum that’s whole purpose is to give opinions back.

This.
Why do they need to be taxied to GCSE exams, and work experience?

I am currently working with a “Motherland” woman and she is bloody useless, just like all the “Motherland” women I’ve worked with before her. It’s all just martyrdom and fluster.

I would bet everything I own that you are not actually working 80 hours a week. And I highly doubt your output is reflective of your long shifts. And yes, I’m professionally qualified and work long hours too. Most of my colleagues who have children are fantastic and highly capable.

Two of the kids are old enough to be relatively independent. The one doing exams won’t be in every day. When I was doing my GCSEs my parents knew my exam timetable. Just let them get on with it and book them a taxi. Or get them to book their own taxi.

Your husband has work commitments just like you have “80 hour working week” commitments. His aren’t less important than yours.

Most couples wouldn’t dream of getting their in laws in to help like this. Why does he think you need the help?

Why on earth do you work 60-80 hours when you have children? How do you give them the time and care they need?

How amazing (and embarrassing for you) that you posted this without bothering to read all the OP's posts.

She's explained exactly why it is possible for her to work 60 - 80 hours - in fact, it's required, as an emergency consultant surgeon.

I'd have a fair bet that there is little 'martyrdom and fluster' in OP's world / professional life.

It sounds like you need a proper alternative solution. Not the point of the thread and I know that you're just having a moan on here, which is fine, but I feel sorry for MIL. It feels like a big ask to me, can she say 'no', for example? Is the expectation that she will be available, or make herself available because you both have busy lives, careers etc? Can the kids fend for themselves during the day and have someone stay overnight?

It is the nature of AIBU, unfortunately.

Op - I get what you're saying. I think that I would be most annoyed at DH playing Mummy's little boy again 😬

What do you suggest she does? It's the job. Presumably OP wanted to be a doctor, studied hard, trained harder and now works in a job she enjoys and worked hard to get, and her DH does similarly.

OP and her DH are unusual in the type of high-pressure, demanding jobs they both have - I have a sibling who works as consultant doctor too, his wife is also a doctor but a GP working part-time and that's how it works - she is responsible for all 'domestic' matters basically but they also pay for incredible child care (think Mary Poppins) as well as outsourcing every single thing they can. It's hard for OP and her DH when both are working at that level of intensity but absolutely fair play to her, she's amazing.

There are loads of jobs where people work 12 hours a day, 7 days a week. Lots of places run 24 hours a day and have shifts of one group for 12 hours, swapping with another shift, nights and days. My dad worked like this for years. He would have a couple of weeks off at a time and go back again. Commute was usually an hour each way. Sometimes something would go wrong on the job and he’d be at work for 15-16 hours, sometimes for days in a row.

He would be absolutely shattered and had to change to a different kind of work as he got older as he couldn’t do it anymore. I bet there are thousands of people who have this kind of work - he didn’t work alone.

My mum worked full time (term time), no overtime and only 30 mins commute. As kids, we had to do a lot for ourselves. So your “skepticism” is just lack of awareness of how the other half live.

Woofster got that, the comment in parenthesis is apparently snide, noting the close age between her DH's son and OP and DH's first child to make a point - for what reason, I don't know, having nothing at all to do with the OP.

Not sure why some people are being so rude to OP.

If he has to do this trip (and it sounds as if he does) then you have two options- accept help from MIL or throw money at it and arrange taxis to get your children to their various commitments. I'd definitely go for the latter option. It's not ideal but I'd far rather do this than have MIL there adding to the stress.

You both have jobs which take a great deal of time and commitment, so something has to give.

I agree. I think people mean they are out of the house for 12 hours a day, 5 days a week (for a 60-hr week), e.g. leave house at 7am, get back at 7pm, but they are including their commute and breaks in that as "working". So they might work 8.30-1, then take a lunch break plus 1-2 coffee breaks, then work until 5.30 before commuting home. So an 8-hr work day, or what most of us would call a 40 hour week.

The reason Motherland is funny is because it accurately reflects the reality for a lot of working mums. Getting his mum in only works if you want that. Otherwise he needs to find other solutions that actually support you. What he sees as helpful adds to your mental load as you say. The person who doesn't carry that usually doesn't understand the impact of an additional person coming to stay.