Elderly relative that I don’t know keeps asking for contact details and wants to stay in touch what should I do

[ClairDeLooney]

Looking for a bit of advice.

For context, my mum is in her mid 80’s and very poorly with advanced dementia, she can not communicate well and is housebound. She lives with my elderly father and my sister and I live nearby.

My mum had a small family and very few relatives are still alive. My nan (mum’s mum) had a brother, he married and had a daughter (more about her in a minute), from everything I know about them the brother’s wife was not a nice person, very controlling and domineering. My mum’s uncle died in the street at 50 from a heart attack and my nan never got over it, she always said the wife killed him off with the amount of stress she put under. As a result she had little to do with her sister in law and niece but they always sent letters, Christmas and birthday cards to one another.

The daughter, mum’s cousin, never married and lived with her mother until she passed away in her 90’s a few years ago. When she became frail the cousin took over the Christmas and birthday card writing and would always add in a little letter. However, they never met up and haven’t seen each other since the 1970’s. My sister and I do not know this woman, we have never met her and my dad only met her once at his and mum’s wedding some 50+ years ago.

However, since her mother passed away a a couple of years ago the cousin has been sending more letters on their own as well as in mum’s birthday and Christmas cards, I get the impression the poor woman is lonely, having lived with her mother all her life and now she is in her late 70’s probably regrets not having family and a life of her own.

However, she has started phoning mum and dad’s home line and leaving messages asking dad to call her back for a chat. We have also noticed that in all of her letters of late she keeps asking for both mine and my sister’s addresses and details, she also leaves her telephone number at the top of each letter obviously hoping we will call her. I really feel for this poor lady but she is a complete stranger to me, I have enough to worry about caring for my mum and helping my father (who is 85 and showing signs of dementia himself), I have my own personal issues and family to deal with and as caring and empathetic as I am, I’m not sure if I can take on the issue of another elderly relative. She lives about 30 miles away so not far and the last thing I want is to find her on my doorstep one day.

However, I do feel for her and feel that I should write to her explaining just how bad mum is now (although she is aware because last year dad accidentally answered the phone when she called), I would also like to know why she is so dead set on getting our addresses as we really don’t know her at all.

My dad says we should just leave it but she is not giving up and keeps writing letter a lot these days. I’ve attached the latest and I am concerned about her saying she wants to keep in touch with my sister and I “always” - what the heck does that mean!?

I really feel for the poor lady and would be happy to drop her a letter every now and then if that was all it was but I have too much on my own plate to have to deal with issues of someone I don’t know.

What would you do?

Edited by MNHQ to say we've removed the image as the OP was concerned it might be identifying

Thank you for your understanding. People really don’t understand what it takes out of you when caring and helping those with dementia (and they really should count themselves as very fortune to not have a clue).

She doesn't sound weird at all. She's an elderly lady who is lonely and trying to connect with the family she has left. People in positions like this will always come across as full on because they know they have to be tenacious to make contact. She's likely asking for your address because she wants to write to you directly and stay in touch when your parents move on.

I can understand that it feels overwhelming and also know first-hand just how full on being a carer for older parents is. But I also think you can try to have some compassion for her, whether by offering some contact that you can handle or at least by not deeming her to be a weirdo because she's putting herself out there.

Its a real shame that this woman had absolutely no compassion or care for OP's mum and did not keep in touch with her when she started to get ill with dementia isnt it?, nor did she offer OP any support when she needed it either.

What a shame she exhibited zero compassion!

I think your idea of sending her a brief note, acknowledging her and saying you will update her about your mum’s condition from time to time is a good way to continue.
You say she has met your mum (her cousin) in the past so would probably like to know how she is getting on.

Thank you.

My hesitance to make too much contact and give my details away is partly due to her letters and messages. On the voicemails she will ask my dad repeatedly to please contact her, to ring her any time etc even though he has explained that he is completely tied up looking after mum, she is either completely tone deaf or as others have suggested, may have some cognitive decline herself, who knows?

The sentence on the letter which I find a little worrisome said ‘Please send onto me (mine and my sister’s names) full addresses so I can keep in touch “always”. I’m really not sure what on earth she meant be saying always. It could well mean that she would like simple contact regularly or that she ‘always’ wants to be in contact ie: won’t leave me alone.

What a lunatic response. This woman and the OP's mother have not met since the 1970s, the OP and her sister have never met her, and this woman, only a few years younger than the OP's mother, has lived all her life with a reputedly 'difficult' mother, who died only a few years ago in her 90s. For all we know she was caring for her for much of the last decade or two.

She last saw my mum around 50 years ago yet she only lives a half hour drive away. She’s had plenty of time to build a relationship with my mum and get updates on my mums health (mum has had dementia for 8 years).

OP, I think I’d buy a pack of 6 notecards, and put her address on each envelope and stamps in the box. Put your parents’ house as return address or leave it blank. After a letter, write a single sentence or two if you’re generous.
“Dear Mary,
so lovely of you to write mum. We’ve read it to her but not sure if she understood.

Best,
OP”

Dear Mary,

Dad got the last 3 phone calls but is getting confused/exhausted these days and might not manage to call back.

Wishing you well,

OP.

Bland but kind. I wouldn’t want the pressure of calls or emails so wouldn’t give the email address. I think it’s just an extra strain and you are burnt out. Choose whatever the least effort option is that won’t cause more guilt.

So this woman possibly providing care for her mother is an acceptable reason for her not getting in touch with OP's mum but OP providing hands-on care for her mother isn't an acceptable reason for OP not wanting to get in touch with this woman? Some real double standards there.

OP I would not write to her, it will only encourage her and it sounds like you don’t have capacity to take her on, she sounds demanding and perhaps a little selfish. You owe her nothing, ignore the ‘be kind’ brigade, put your own mental well being first.

I don't think there's any harm in sharing your address and sending the odd letter. I most definitely wouldn't share your phone number though, which means not calling her, otherwise she'll find out your number. You aren't obliged to keep in contact or to provide any care or support to your Mum's cousin.

Plenty of potential harm, given the way this woman is pestering an old man, even though he is pushing back.

The OP doesn't want or need this contact with a stranger who is late in life fishing for relatives she's had no time for or interest in previously; and doesn't have the bandwidth to deal with the multiple messages per week she can expect if she gives her even the slightest encouragement.

Typo edits

Yes you can always block. I was in no way advocating giving her your address or phone number. I’d have just sent card no details. Hopefully she stops bothering your parents.

Neither thing has anything to do with the other. Someone was just making the frankly mad suggestion that this cousin who hasn't seen the OP's mother since the 70s should have been offering care and support when she got dementia.

It's testament to some of the off the scales loopiness on this thread. This woman has not harassed the OP or her parents. She has not shown up on anyone's doorstep. She has not expressed an expectation of receiving care. She has written a few letters and left some answerphone messages.

This. Maybe send her a christmas card but writing to her will make her feel you want a relationship with her.

I think if you read back your replies to posts, as I just have, you already know what course of action you need to take.

Two things can be simultaneously true. The lady, your mum's cousin, could be lonely and trying to maintain contact with family. And you can have sympathy for that while not being able to maintain contact with her because you know what your own needs are.

That is not cruel or unkind. We all have our own needs and are responsible for attending to those. This doesn't mean, as is very evident in your own life, that we never help others. But we also don't owe contact to someone from a sense of obligation or guilt. It wouldn't make for a satisfying relationship on either side. Your mum's cousin has made contact, maybe she needs connection and company. She's made a step to do that so is capable of making steps in other directions if she needs friendships or interests to occupy her life. She may not do that, but it's for her to examine and act upon her own needs. You can't do that for her.

You don't currently know what your relative wants. You might never know. You do know what you need. Using that as the basis of your decision means you won't go wrong.

@Slebs that is a very wise post.

@ClairDeLooney you are under no obligation at all to write to this stranger and should not take any time away from your parents, your children, your other family and friends and from your own self care in order to do so. It’s incredibly hard emotionally to see a loved one decline with advanced dementia (my own mum had it for 10 plus years and in a care home for the last three) and to be part of your mum’s team of carers is time consuming and stressful. Look after yourself whenever you can.

If you choose to write to this lady offer as little as possible to encourage her to increase contact. No extra addresses or phone numbers and nothing to indicate it is more than a one off note. Then see how she reacts to a brief but kind note from you. If she ramps up the frequency of calls and letters to your dad’s house that is a sign to never give her any contact details of yours. She will not respect your boundaries.

Thank you.

She’s looking for free carers in my opinion!

OP don't feel bad at all, even if you weren't hugely busy you are not obliged to step up and have lots of contact and communication with someone who has essentially just appeared in your life. Relationships can't be forced - it's not fair for people to do this.
I also think many posters are being naive, this long lost relative is already being pretty overbearing without even meeting up with you all, I think it is most likely that this contact is mostly because this relative needs/wants some kind of support, even if they are not fully aware of this themselves.
Also if people do wish to leave money to people in wills, they don't require huge amounts of info to do this - occasionally people are willed money by their nicknames only! - my point being they wouldn't need to call several times a week.
I'd send the odd card and might also try to signpost them to avenues of support like Age Concern as others have said, but I would definitely discourage the phone calls.