Elderly relative that I don’t know keeps asking for contact details and wants to stay in touch what should I do

[ClairDeLooney]

Looking for a bit of advice.

For context, my mum is in her mid 80’s and very poorly with advanced dementia, she can not communicate well and is housebound. She lives with my elderly father and my sister and I live nearby.

My mum had a small family and very few relatives are still alive. My nan (mum’s mum) had a brother, he married and had a daughter (more about her in a minute), from everything I know about them the brother’s wife was not a nice person, very controlling and domineering. My mum’s uncle died in the street at 50 from a heart attack and my nan never got over it, she always said the wife killed him off with the amount of stress she put under. As a result she had little to do with her sister in law and niece but they always sent letters, Christmas and birthday cards to one another.

The daughter, mum’s cousin, never married and lived with her mother until she passed away in her 90’s a few years ago. When she became frail the cousin took over the Christmas and birthday card writing and would always add in a little letter. However, they never met up and haven’t seen each other since the 1970’s. My sister and I do not know this woman, we have never met her and my dad only met her once at his and mum’s wedding some 50+ years ago.

However, since her mother passed away a a couple of years ago the cousin has been sending more letters on their own as well as in mum’s birthday and Christmas cards, I get the impression the poor woman is lonely, having lived with her mother all her life and now she is in her late 70’s probably regrets not having family and a life of her own.

However, she has started phoning mum and dad’s home line and leaving messages asking dad to call her back for a chat. We have also noticed that in all of her letters of late she keeps asking for both mine and my sister’s addresses and details, she also leaves her telephone number at the top of each letter obviously hoping we will call her. I really feel for this poor lady but she is a complete stranger to me, I have enough to worry about caring for my mum and helping my father (who is 85 and showing signs of dementia himself), I have my own personal issues and family to deal with and as caring and empathetic as I am, I’m not sure if I can take on the issue of another elderly relative. She lives about 30 miles away so not far and the last thing I want is to find her on my doorstep one day.

However, I do feel for her and feel that I should write to her explaining just how bad mum is now (although she is aware because last year dad accidentally answered the phone when she called), I would also like to know why she is so dead set on getting our addresses as we really don’t know her at all.

My dad says we should just leave it but she is not giving up and keeps writing letter a lot these days. I’ve attached the latest and I am concerned about her saying she wants to keep in touch with my sister and I “always” - what the heck does that mean!?

I really feel for the poor lady and would be happy to drop her a letter every now and then if that was all it was but I have too much on my own plate to have to deal with issues of someone I don’t know.

What would you do?

Edited by MNHQ to say we've removed the image as the OP was concerned it might be identifying

Hopefully this lady is also taking steps to make more local friends - she has so many options available although ‘not doing technology’ makes it more difficult for her to find options. She could also be making an effort to befriend neighbours, meet people through church, being a volunteer in a charity shop or other organisation eg a hospice (which my mum did until she was 84), joining a book club, the WI or U3A, joining exercise classes or walking groups, taking up a hobby like painting, writing, knitting or sewing. There are so many options depending on your interests and general health. And then there are befriending services - I just google befriending services and a county I know and got Age UK plus over 10 other befriending services. She could join several - some as a client and some as a volunteer if she is able to give back.

This lady has so many options that she doesn’t or shouldn’t need to lean on two distant relatives who are already giving so much of themselves to their parents.

Thank you. Just to quickly clarify though it's my father who has only met this woman the once, neither my sister or I have ever met her, I don't think I've even seen a photo of her, not one that I recall anyhow. She must have been out enjoying her own life when our mum had us because as far as I know she never once asked to come and visit us as young children and certainly not as adults.

I too work with the elderly and it breaks my heart to see them so lonely and even the ones with children often don't see them for weeks or months on end but I have no idea what they were like as parents, I only see them as older and more vulnerable members of society. Like you say, you get out what you put it. Relationships are like sowing seeds, you have to put in the effort long haul to reap the benefits.

I don't think I can quite bring myself to not reply to the cousin's last letter, I will post on this one letter that I have written but I can't and won't make a habit of being drawn into helping too much simply because I would like a few slivers of time to myself and currently my late 40's/early 50's have been taken up caring and helping, both professionally and personally. I won't live forever and would quite like to spend some quality time with my own family and friends but according to some on here I should give up everything to help this woman because she may just name me in her will - ffs!

Are these the same posters who will rant about female inequality on other threads and how it's dreadful so many women are expected to do everything for everyone? MN is a funny fickle place at times.

I agree, the older people I help in my home help role are all computer savvy and some of them are members of local meet up groups but others refuse to leave the house which is sad. I do notice the ones who go out and join groups appear younger in body and mind than those who don't. I know it's not easy for everyone, I'm quite the introvert myself and am ND but locking yourself away from society is so detrimental to your overall health.

I do feel for her though, if she has been domineered by her mother all these years it's probably very difficult for her and maybe she sees safety in family but we are very much complete strangers.

I've got plenty of good friendships and relationships. But I also have boundaries, and I don't feel obliged to maintain relationships I didn't ask for.

If someone appeared out of the blue that I'd never met before, wanting things from me, I'd be pretty wary as well.

I wouldn’t write to her

As you say 50 years so he whole of her 20s, 30s, 40s, 50s and 60s, decades and decades not a murmur. Not even that far away.

God just don’t.

She”s after something you can’t provide. Don’t feed this, you will regret it.