Elderly relative that I don’t know keeps asking for contact details and wants to stay in touch what should I do

[ClairDeLooney]

Looking for a bit of advice.

For context, my mum is in her mid 80’s and very poorly with advanced dementia, she can not communicate well and is housebound. She lives with my elderly father and my sister and I live nearby.

My mum had a small family and very few relatives are still alive. My nan (mum’s mum) had a brother, he married and had a daughter (more about her in a minute), from everything I know about them the brother’s wife was not a nice person, very controlling and domineering. My mum’s uncle died in the street at 50 from a heart attack and my nan never got over it, she always said the wife killed him off with the amount of stress she put under. As a result she had little to do with her sister in law and niece but they always sent letters, Christmas and birthday cards to one another.

The daughter, mum’s cousin, never married and lived with her mother until she passed away in her 90’s a few years ago. When she became frail the cousin took over the Christmas and birthday card writing and would always add in a little letter. However, they never met up and haven’t seen each other since the 1970’s. My sister and I do not know this woman, we have never met her and my dad only met her once at his and mum’s wedding some 50+ years ago.

However, since her mother passed away a a couple of years ago the cousin has been sending more letters on their own as well as in mum’s birthday and Christmas cards, I get the impression the poor woman is lonely, having lived with her mother all her life and now she is in her late 70’s probably regrets not having family and a life of her own.

However, she has started phoning mum and dad’s home line and leaving messages asking dad to call her back for a chat. We have also noticed that in all of her letters of late she keeps asking for both mine and my sister’s addresses and details, she also leaves her telephone number at the top of each letter obviously hoping we will call her. I really feel for this poor lady but she is a complete stranger to me, I have enough to worry about caring for my mum and helping my father (who is 85 and showing signs of dementia himself), I have my own personal issues and family to deal with and as caring and empathetic as I am, I’m not sure if I can take on the issue of another elderly relative. She lives about 30 miles away so not far and the last thing I want is to find her on my doorstep one day.

However, I do feel for her and feel that I should write to her explaining just how bad mum is now (although she is aware because last year dad accidentally answered the phone when she called), I would also like to know why she is so dead set on getting our addresses as we really don’t know her at all.

My dad says we should just leave it but she is not giving up and keeps writing letter a lot these days. I’ve attached the latest and I am concerned about her saying she wants to keep in touch with my sister and I “always” - what the heck does that mean!?

I really feel for the poor lady and would be happy to drop her a letter every now and then if that was all it was but I have too much on my own plate to have to deal with issues of someone I don’t know.

What would you do?

Edited by MNHQ to say we've removed the image as the OP was concerned it might be identifying

Honestly OP, you must be exasperated at having to go in depth and explain your relationship with this woman. I really don't know why complete strangers feel the need to point you are related to someone you know you're related too!

I think all the "OH BUT YOU'RE RELATED" brigade have completely bypassed the fact this woman hasn't acted like any family member towards you for decades. It doesn't matter what number of cousin she is, or if she was your mothers cousin etc. You don't owe her anything.

You've been through an incredibly stressful time. Focus what little time and energy you have on those that matter to you and who you CHOOSE to have in your life.

What would it look like to be responsive to her loneliness?

Right now with all of my other responsibilities in my life and my own health issues it would look like a letter or email a few times a year at most, a Christmas card and that's it I'm afraid.

It doesn't matter what life choices she's made or have been made for her, whether she has her own family and friends or none, she is in all sense and purpose a stranger to me, I help enough people in my life and I don't have the mental capacity to take on more problems from other people.

A monthly phone call maybe a small thing in your life right now but it's not in mine and sadly from past experiences an occasional phone call rarely stays at that, as people age their needs become greater and they lean heavily on others, there are organisations out there to help and I would guide her towards that but that is all I am prepared to offer.

You may see that as heartless but you obviously have zero idea what it takes out of someone to help care for, organise and deal with the day to day lives of vulnerable people.

So many on here seem to believe because this woman is related to me in some form or other then as a younger relative I owe her some help and advice when we've not even clapped eyes on one another. If, in the future my children were to move away and my husband and I are no longer together for whatever reason the last thing on my mind would be to try and contact some younger random relative that I've never bothered with.

In fact, regardless of my age I'm struggling with various things in my life now but I'm in contact with organisations that may help me, not cousins once/twice removed that I've never spoken to.

Thank you so much.

Yes, having been on MN for 20 years I'm certain most of these negative responses are from trolls getting their rocks off from upsetting me, I'm annoyed with myself for getting heated over their responses so I'm going to stop replying and hope this post dies down.

I've sent the letter to the cousin now, I've made contact, explained the sad/stressful situation we are in and if she chooses to ignore that and still pester then I will have no choice to ignore. I've offered what I can and if the odd email and greetings card isn't enough then there is little more I can do for her sadly.

I'm off to my parents now, mum has yet another UTI (6th one this year so far) and off I go to pick up another course of antibiotics. If anyone on here cares for someone frail and elderly you'll understand.

Maybe the OP should facilitate an introduction between you and her estranged relative if you’d be happy to provide a befriending service?

I work in Older adult social work and see loneliness in Older adults (on contrary to the views on here this is people aren't lonely because they don't speak to a second cousin. Most of these adults have children themselves) and it is awful and heartbreaking. And I realise that for many having little or no family friends is due to circumstances outwith their control.

That said there seems to be recognition and realisation that you cannot make no effort with family members for 50 years and then suddenly when you need a support network or connection, descend on these unknown relatives and expect them to make your loneliness their problem to solve and expect to be welcomed with open arms. Especially when this family are already going through their own very hard difficulties.

There's also an element of responsibility for most of us (and again as I feel I need to repeat that I know for some people there are things out with our circumstances) of building our own support networks. If you want close family relationships then you need to actually invest in them, they can't just be a one way street where you make no effort but still expect family even if you don't know them or have never met them to somehow step up for you.

People only have so much emotional bandwidth. Woman are not self sacrificing robots who just have to give and give to every single extended member of their family until they are completey burnt out and unwell themselves. Writing a letter, occasional contact takes more than 5 minutes. It takes time and energy and if you're completey depleted after caring for parents with dementia, ND children as well as all the other demands of life like friends, work, health, household etc it can seem like one task too much.

People don't seem to have read all the posts.

OP is caring for one elderly relative with late dementia and one who's showing signs, as well as her own health needs and ND children. Her posts do not suggest any spare bandwidth. She's also stated she's a people pleaser, which means asserting boundaries is harder than average and may not be something she's reliably capable of doing. Yet so many posts minimise this, like it's some easy piece of piss. Not for everyone it isn't! Meanwhile, this relative's ongoing behaviour indicates that she's not likely to respect any once a month phone call rules, even if the OP was capable of offering that level of contact.

This matters not just for OP, but also the vulnerable people she's already caring for. If the struggle to assert boundaries with a new boundary-ignorer is the thing that tips her into carer burnout, a very real problem, the implications for her parents and children could be significant.

Exactly. My own mother is a case in point. She basically ignored us her entire working life and kept saying things would be different when she retired. She wasn’t there for most of our big events, spent no time with us, didn’t like phone calls, and most conversations were about her and her needs. We cried, begged, argued, literally asking her to spend time with us and love us and she wouldn’t.

I told her on countless occasions that she cannot just drop us and pick us back up when she wanted, that she was destroying her relationship with her children. She didn’t listen.

She is now retired. And now she wants a relationship. Absolutely not. I have told her in no uncertain terms that won’t be happening. She wasn’t there for me when I needed her as a child, I won’t be there now. She often laments the fact she has a challenging relationship with all her children and my response is always the same: she made her bed.

I could have missed you saying, but I dont think I have... what is your sister's opinion on this? I'm assuming that she does not want contact and that's another reason you are feeling slightly quilted into obliging in some way. If I'm right, I suggest you follow her lead and protect your own peace. You have enough going on as it is and the harsh reality is that it won't improve for you in the short term. I'm sorry that you're going through this x

I'm also assuming that all these posters lamenting how the OP should be sending letters, making monthly phone calls because this lady is lonely are all regular volunteers with elderly befriending services given the concern they have about this persons lonlieness and how making phone calls is no effort at all?

And why on earth is it the responsibility of the OP who has enough on her plate to start researching and recommending befriending services to this lady? I understand this woman is potentially lonely but it is absolutely not the responsibility for the OP to solve.

You obviously derive great pleasure from being intentionally rude and my posts have triggered you in a way that is completely disproportionate to anything I have actually said, as opposed to what you think I have said, so I don’t think there is any point in responding really, suffice to say that in a thread of over three hundred posts the discussion naturally broadens away from the op’s post and I have as much right to discuss my views on here as anyone else thanks very much.

To suggest that saying generally in life it’s occasionally a good idea to forgive or deliberately overlook, or to give someone a second chance and not always just respond to people how they respond to us, is “pious” is your opinion and not fact. It’s how normal people in families rub along most of the time actually.

So can you stop responding in such a deliberately aggressive manner please because it’s really unnecessary and boring for everyone else to have to read the back and forth.

Yes, you just know all the people criticising OP and calling her heartless and selfish arent volunteering shit with their time.

The most comical/hypocritical aspect to me are the people berating the OP for being on MN when she could be on the phone to this tedious, boorish woman who wont take a hint. Yet, they could equally be using the time they're spending scolding online strangers ringing lonely people but they arent! 🤣

I have as much right to discuss my views on here as anyone else thanks very much.

Yes, indeed, until you draw my attention repeatedly to the fact that you intended your (bizarre, untimely, unrelated to anything I was saying or have said on this thread) patronising advice specifically for me.

You are perfectly welcome to stop quoting my posts and further insulting me.

Where have I insulted you? I honestly haven’t. I’ve replied to one of your posts expressing a different opinion. That’s all.

What on earth are you talking about ? You’re being intentionally rude to a poster who hasn’t been the least bit offensive. I don’t want to prolong the derail you’ve started but having read the conversation string you’re quoting from l should point out it that was actually you who responded very curtly to a post by @Bettysgoldentail222 by inappropriately referring her to the see all button when the comment they made wasn’t actually directed at you. This is a public forum, everyone has an opinion and there’s no need to be so rude.

Look, I wrote one post in response to yours where I suggested a different way of looking at things.

I really don’t understand why you have responded in such an over the top way, even if you did find my post patronising, which it wasn’t intended to be, and as I said, it was addressed to you but it was still a general point which you happen not to agree with.

Fine!

Let’s leave it there shall we? It’s boring for everyone else reading a back and forth and the level of energy and hostility you are investing in this is really not worth it.

Oh FFS sake, give it a rest.

This poster has replied to you once in relation to what OP posted. The rest has been a derail initiated by yourself and your overblown rants. This is a public forum - something you clearly don’t get.

Take it for what it is. An older, lonely lady looking for some family connection in her later years. Dont dwell too much on the past. Id just try to facilitate, as much as you can and without making extra work for yourself, some form of contact. Perhaps a card to say thanks for her contact etc...absolute rubbish that social services would expect you to take her on.

OP has sent a card, did you only read the first post? And sadly it’s not absolute rubbish that SS might call and lean on her, as those of us it’s happened to can tell you.

I can't speak for others but I work in adult social work. I have a VERY large caseload and don't have the time nor the resources to be tracking down long lost relatives. The ones we contact are the ones we have the details for and that are known to to the person.

And again I don't know about other local authorities but we certainly don't phone relatives and demand that they have their elderly relative move in with them. Far less a relative they've never actually met.

And you're average 76 year old, probably isn't in need of a social services service either.

I agree to a point, but having been in this position and lived to bitterly regret initiating contact I really would advise caution. And I can tell you from my own experience that while it’s not exactly an ‘expectation’ from social services that relatives routinely provide care for a relative who needs it, that doesn’t stop them from applying intense pressure on whatever family they have in the vicinity to provide that care, before they will act.

I do. My mum lost touch with her cousins as a child a re-kindled a relationship with them when I was in my teens. We still keep in touch and they send birthday and Christmas gifts to my daughter- so she's in touch with her grandmother's cousins- and I send them a video message so she can thank them.