Elderly relative that I don’t know keeps asking for contact details and wants to stay in touch what should I do

[ClairDeLooney]

Looking for a bit of advice.

For context, my mum is in her mid 80’s and very poorly with advanced dementia, she can not communicate well and is housebound. She lives with my elderly father and my sister and I live nearby.

My mum had a small family and very few relatives are still alive. My nan (mum’s mum) had a brother, he married and had a daughter (more about her in a minute), from everything I know about them the brother’s wife was not a nice person, very controlling and domineering. My mum’s uncle died in the street at 50 from a heart attack and my nan never got over it, she always said the wife killed him off with the amount of stress she put under. As a result she had little to do with her sister in law and niece but they always sent letters, Christmas and birthday cards to one another.

The daughter, mum’s cousin, never married and lived with her mother until she passed away in her 90’s a few years ago. When she became frail the cousin took over the Christmas and birthday card writing and would always add in a little letter. However, they never met up and haven’t seen each other since the 1970’s. My sister and I do not know this woman, we have never met her and my dad only met her once at his and mum’s wedding some 50+ years ago.

However, since her mother passed away a a couple of years ago the cousin has been sending more letters on their own as well as in mum’s birthday and Christmas cards, I get the impression the poor woman is lonely, having lived with her mother all her life and now she is in her late 70’s probably regrets not having family and a life of her own.

However, she has started phoning mum and dad’s home line and leaving messages asking dad to call her back for a chat. We have also noticed that in all of her letters of late she keeps asking for both mine and my sister’s addresses and details, she also leaves her telephone number at the top of each letter obviously hoping we will call her. I really feel for this poor lady but she is a complete stranger to me, I have enough to worry about caring for my mum and helping my father (who is 85 and showing signs of dementia himself), I have my own personal issues and family to deal with and as caring and empathetic as I am, I’m not sure if I can take on the issue of another elderly relative. She lives about 30 miles away so not far and the last thing I want is to find her on my doorstep one day.

However, I do feel for her and feel that I should write to her explaining just how bad mum is now (although she is aware because last year dad accidentally answered the phone when she called), I would also like to know why she is so dead set on getting our addresses as we really don’t know her at all.

My dad says we should just leave it but she is not giving up and keeps writing letter a lot these days. I’ve attached the latest and I am concerned about her saying she wants to keep in touch with my sister and I “always” - what the heck does that mean!?

I really feel for the poor lady and would be happy to drop her a letter every now and then if that was all it was but I have too much on my own plate to have to deal with issues of someone I don’t know.

What would you do?

Edited by MNHQ to say we've removed the image as the OP was concerned it might be identifying

She is a relative at the end of the day. I can't see any harm in dropping her a line now and again. It's just common humanity.

You just say no. No one, no matter what their persuasive skills, can make you do this.

Frankly, given your circumstances, don’t get into this. You are allowed to ignore.

It’s bringing out your “people pleasing” gene. Lots of us have this gene embedded in us!

There’s plenty of us who have first cousins we have nothing to do with let alone second cousins.

I found myself being dragged into a similar situation which started to suck the life out of me because I have a full life and no extra bandwidth for taking on my long lost estranged relative or making the visits I really didn’t have time for. I took a humanitarian view but the worry wore me out at times.

I became a life line and Chief Support system. It was a sadness but relief when they passed away.

Some have mentioned the possibility of her putting our names down in her will. I very much hope this will not be the case, I no desire to spend a strangers money, I would prefer that she leaves whatever she has to a charity.

I will write to her but I am not yet adding my address, I don't feel comfortable doing so at this point. When she started ringing my dad she would leave endless voicemail messages, it very much stressed him out because it became almost hounding.

No, I will write as others have suggested and just offer some simple words but I will wait to see how it goes. She has my parent's address as she always has so if she does reply she can send it there as I am at my parents house most days. I don't have the mental capacity to take on anyone else's issue right now (physically or otherwise). I am struggling with my own mental and physical health.

I do still need to bear in mind that this lady has never once bothered about my sister and I, she has been fully aware of our existence for over 50 years. None what so ever.

I feel quite sorry for her. I would do as you’ve suggested OP, explain that your parents are very poorly and taking up so much of your time so you will write when you can. I also think she wants your details for her will, perhaps.

then just write as and when you can, not replying to every letter she sends. And send her a card at Christmas. She sounds like she’s craving connection with family as she has none. I’m sure she’d be delighted if she received the odd letter- it would probably make her year.

Just write a letter explaining both have dementia (advanced & early) and unfortunately you’re very busy with work/family/caring do not add your address.

For goodness sakes, get a couple of your parents photo albums and arrange to meet her in a garden centre. She likely wants to make connections for her will

Why is everyone saying she wants to leave money on her will. It's much more likely she wants someone to care for her now she is getting old. The long voice messages she is leaving for your dad is concerning, if she has your contact details she will start this with you.

You sound very cold. You might like heat if you get to know her.

But was your cousin a carer for a parent with advanced dementia and with another parent who is also showing cognitive decline, who also had a family of their own (with ND children) and was frazzled to bits from their caring responsibilities and dealing with their own health issues? The hard truth is that unlike your cousin who was happy to see you (and baring in mind this woman is NOT my cousin), I don't want to see this woman, I don't have the capacity to start building any kind of solid relationship with her right now.

I am all for helping other people and am happy to write a letter once in a while to this lady but I am very concerned about becoming someone who she may see as a point of contact if she develops health or social issues. And if you have ever cared for an elderly relative you will know this is not an easy task.

Yeah, really cold. I care for my mum who has advanced dementia, I help my elderly father in law throughout the week, do shit loads for my kids and twice a week I am a home help for the disabled and elderly.

What a cold hearted bitch I am.

Thank you - this is what I am planning on doing and see how it goes.

It may be worth talking to your parents telephone company & asking to have the number of this ‘cousin’ blocked. We already block various numbers on our landline as my husband(late 70’s) is very hard of hearing & cannot tell when the caller is just spam & refuses to read the number to see if it’s an ‘expected’ caller 🙄.
In fact if your DF was terribly upset by this caller the police would call anything over 2 calls ‘harassment’.

If she's an old spinster, she maybe just wants keep in touch with the very few blood relatives she has left.

Personally I would give her my address, assuming she is far enough away to never drop by, ask her to stop contacting your parents as Mum isn't well now and send her a xmas card.

You never know, she might be planning on putting you in her will to keep the family money in the bloodline.

There's no need for it to be a worry. I had them call me about an elderly relative of mine once, and they clearly assumed I would take on responsibility. I just said no, it was impossible for me to do that, and goodbye. I may have used the words 'you have got to be joking'. They didn't pester me again.

With your parents, are you getting as much support as possible, ie carers coming in daily etc, or is it all down to you?

By the way, the lady is your 'first cousin once removed' ie your mother's first cousin, but you are one generation down from that. If she'd had any children then those children would be your second cousins.

Just a tip we did with my MIL, remove the voicemail function and get a call guardian.

That is exactly my concern and my problem, I am a people pleaser and every time this woman writes and asks for our details I feel so anxious that I should be in contact with her (as so many are pointing out, she's 'family' and it therefore is my duty to get in contact) but I just can not take on anyone else's issues right now and I can not guarantee a simple letter here and there will stay at that, if it does then fine but I don't want to find myself having to let her down or having to refuse requests of help in the future simple because I am one of her only surviving relatives.

Shes lives a half hour drive away so is quite near and as I have mentioned up thread I absolutely no not want any money from her, I hope that will never happen.

I didn't have to do this. I mean i see the sense of it, but I don't think its a legal requirement.

We do have carers in now but my sister and I take it in turns to go round so my dad has support every day.

I don't really think about cousins tbh as I never grew up with any, both my parents are only children.

No need to worry - if social services contacted you, you just say "I don't know her and can't care for her". No need to explain or justify.

She could be lonely or she could be looking for younger relatives who can help care for her. Or indeed both.

Thank you, I need to get this done as my dad is stressing so much with every voicemail message he receives these days and is constantly convinced he is being scammed.

Don't worry OP there are always sanctimonious people on here (who've probably never put themselves out for anyone in their lives) who like to tell other people how to live their lives. Always women of course. Men don't have to do caring.

I can see both sides. I think a pp has it right in that you reply and explain your mum's dementia etc and repeat that any letters can come care of your parents address. I would also mention that if/when they have to sell the house you'll give them a new address. That should help with any fears she has of family suddenly disappearing. Keep with the birthday/Christmas and drop anything else.

I wonder if she has a form of dementia herself and it's showing as neediness or whether she's just scared of dying alone and nobody noticing for months?

I did wonder if she may have some cognitive impairment, the voicemail messages she left my dad were quite full on and she didn't seem to grasp or fully understand when he was telling her how bad mum is now.

Then again none of us know her, maybe she has always been that way?