Elderly relative that I don’t know keeps asking for contact details and wants to stay in touch what should I do

[ClairDeLooney]

Looking for a bit of advice.

For context, my mum is in her mid 80’s and very poorly with advanced dementia, she can not communicate well and is housebound. She lives with my elderly father and my sister and I live nearby.

My mum had a small family and very few relatives are still alive. My nan (mum’s mum) had a brother, he married and had a daughter (more about her in a minute), from everything I know about them the brother’s wife was not a nice person, very controlling and domineering. My mum’s uncle died in the street at 50 from a heart attack and my nan never got over it, she always said the wife killed him off with the amount of stress she put under. As a result she had little to do with her sister in law and niece but they always sent letters, Christmas and birthday cards to one another.

The daughter, mum’s cousin, never married and lived with her mother until she passed away in her 90’s a few years ago. When she became frail the cousin took over the Christmas and birthday card writing and would always add in a little letter. However, they never met up and haven’t seen each other since the 1970’s. My sister and I do not know this woman, we have never met her and my dad only met her once at his and mum’s wedding some 50+ years ago.

However, since her mother passed away a a couple of years ago the cousin has been sending more letters on their own as well as in mum’s birthday and Christmas cards, I get the impression the poor woman is lonely, having lived with her mother all her life and now she is in her late 70’s probably regrets not having family and a life of her own.

However, she has started phoning mum and dad’s home line and leaving messages asking dad to call her back for a chat. We have also noticed that in all of her letters of late she keeps asking for both mine and my sister’s addresses and details, she also leaves her telephone number at the top of each letter obviously hoping we will call her. I really feel for this poor lady but she is a complete stranger to me, I have enough to worry about caring for my mum and helping my father (who is 85 and showing signs of dementia himself), I have my own personal issues and family to deal with and as caring and empathetic as I am, I’m not sure if I can take on the issue of another elderly relative. She lives about 30 miles away so not far and the last thing I want is to find her on my doorstep one day.

However, I do feel for her and feel that I should write to her explaining just how bad mum is now (although she is aware because last year dad accidentally answered the phone when she called), I would also like to know why she is so dead set on getting our addresses as we really don’t know her at all.

My dad says we should just leave it but she is not giving up and keeps writing letter a lot these days. I’ve attached the latest and I am concerned about her saying she wants to keep in touch with my sister and I “always” - what the heck does that mean!?

I really feel for the poor lady and would be happy to drop her a letter every now and then if that was all it was but I have too much on my own plate to have to deal with issues of someone I don’t know.

What would you do?

Edited by MNHQ to say we've removed the image as the OP was concerned it might be identifying

Think this is too identifying

If she gets a response she’ll been encouraged.

she’s mostly trying to contact your mum and dad and they have their opinion which I would respect.

How so? I’ve blanked out all names. She’s not online as she has told my father she doesn’t do technology.

I think without a doubt she is lonely. In the end you are going to have to decide whether you feel able to offer her a relationship of any sort and what that looks like, and then accept your own decision knowing that whatever level it is will probably be less than she wants. I’m saying this from the standpoint of someone who has not felt able to stay in touch with some relatives; I feel guilty about it but simply felt I didn’t have the bandwidth, and tbh would probably do the same again.

I do think that picture is very identifying and you should ask for that post to be deleted.

She is your cousin. There is nothing wrong with swapping addresses and phone numbers in case of emergencies. (State it like that.)
She will just write the odd note but you do not need to communicate more than you wish.

Relatives are generally not to fear. They just want to be able to contact family and leave you a momento in their Will.

I feel quite sad that an elderly relative writing you letters is viewed as such a problem . Why are you worried about sharing your address? However if you are clearly not comfortable with it and don’t want contact then do as your dad says and just ignore.

I would suspect she wants to name you in her will so needs the full address?

Anyway, receiving letters shouldn’t be too much of a burden.

See I'm a suspicious cow.. It reads I need your address so you can become my free home help /shopper /carer...

She sounds like a lonely old lady who's trying to find some connection with what little family she has left. It's sad but it is what it is.

You have a lot on your plate caring for elderly parents with dementia. If you don't have the energy (understandable) to write/visit then you don't.

You can just continue to ignore the letters and she has no way of finding out your address so it seems extremely unlikely that she's going to appear on your doorstep. Are the letters causing distress to your dad? I would just bin them.

She probably doesn't want to lose contact with the family completely when your parents depart. And perhaps she wants to put you in her will if she has no closer family. It wouldn't hurt to give her your address, maybe not telephone number if you think she may become a pest.

This hits home as I will be that lonely old person with no family one day. I can fully understand why she is trying to make the connection, but equally can see why you are reluctant to take on another elderly person. I'm not sure what to suggest.

I've asked for the letter to be deleted as it may be outing as some have pointed out, although l, like I say she has said she is not online.

Others are saying it's just a simple case of writing her a letter which is fine if that's all it stays at but I can't deal with having to sort out anyone else's life right now. I help care for my mum and my dad is also showing signs of dementia. I have nd children and a busy and stressful life.

This lady is not my cousin as someone has stated, she is my mum's cousin and a woman I have never once met and someone my mum has only seen as few times in her life. She has taken no interest in my sister and I up until this point in her life.

I'm happy to write to her occasionally but I can't be someone that she relies on too much right now. That's my concern. After my dad picked up her phone call last year she started calling several times a week.

The only thing I can do is to send her a letter explaining just how bad mum is now and our concerns for dad and see how it goes.

I feel sorry for her too. I don't think sending her the odd letter would be so onerous so I'd likely give her the address but not a phone number. I think it would be highly unlikely she would turn up on your doorstep surely?

I wouldn't be giving out addresses. A brief letter saying that your parents are unable to correspond and that you wish her well.

Humans tend to take stock when we hurtle through our advanced years. I can't see anything wrong with a few lines and some photos OP. You don't have to give your address out.

Or you can throw the letters in the bin and forget about her.

She has taken no interest in my sister and I up until this point in her life

Harsh but fair. She’s now 76 and has health issues. Generally, the time to be interested in your cousins children starts when they’re born ie not long after the wedding that she was invited to.

Exactly what communication have any of you had in the decades after the wedding? She’s not seen her cousin (your mum) since the 1970s and has never met you but lives 30 miles away.

Given all that, I’d give her my address but honestly wouldn’t entertain any ‘close relationship’ nonsense. It’s nice to cling onto the last relatives of a small family but the prior lack of interest is something to remember.

Shame you can’t go over and help as you’re busy though, and will remain busy.

Actually I understand your concerns, OP. I was a carer to a family member and I have no desire to repeat the experience. Don't be surprised if social services contact you one day, expecting you do care for your mum's cousin. My mum had this: some great aunt of my father's whom they'd never met was needing care and somehow social services tracked down my mum and tried to make her take the great aunt in. As it happened, my mum was already caring for both her parents so was unable to oblige. Be warned.

Point them to age concern and silverline locally.

I think the 'always' is because she's aware when your mum and dad pass away she has no contact details for the next generation of family. Personally I would be happy to put her on my Christmas card list and give her my address, but I would not be feeling obliged to share more than a couple of notes a year with her. She is family, albeit distant now. Your nan didn't like her SIL. You don't know who was to blame there, but whatever occurred then it's not the daughter's fault.

Does she have any other family or is just you four? I feel sad for her, she is a stranger but she hasn’t done anything bad (except maybe the calling several times a week) and I suppose wants to feel some kind of connection as maybe she has more time now than ever before. Personally I would write back, say how your parents are and that they’re not really up phone calls, and say you don’t live close but it would be nice to exchange Christmas cards through your parents. Then I would write to her once a year, which wouldn’t take much time and responsibility.

Just saying when I made a will I had to provide full names, address and post codes etc. Not that you should stay friends for that of course. She is lonely and wants a connection to family, the odd card and letter wouldn't hurt would it?

In your position I would let her have your contact details and write the occasional card or short letter if she writes to you. She may not be seeking people to help care for her but may want to leave something to relatives in her will and she may want your address for that reason. That is what I would guess from the 'always'. If I were a single elderly person with no close family left I might prefer to leave anything I had to more distant relatives than a charity or the state.
PS I await the wrath of MN where no-one should ever anticipate or expect any inheritance ever.

Crikey, I sincerely hope not. It has broken me caring for my mum whom I adore, I can not imagine being expected to care for a relative that I have never laid eyes on. Bloody hell, that's a worry.

I feel so sad for her.
It must be awful having no contact with any living relatives. She must be very lonely and desperate to communicate with someone related to her.
I would write back, give my address but tell her your lives are very full caring for parents so you will write when you can but that’s all you can offer.

Blimey. Some of the replies on here are harsh.

I was that cousin, who had no other relatives and whose parents had fallen out many years ago with their sibling. The generation above me have all gone. Did I get in touch with my cousin (who I'd never met) after my parents died? Yes I did, and he was very pleased to hear from me. We have met several times, and have a friendly but not really close bond. We live many miles apart and occasionally write or send messages on FB. That is pretty much it.

OP - it is not this woman's fault that previous generations didn't get on with one another. She would obviously like to maintain contact with her extended family, and I really can't see any reason why not. From what you have said, there don't seem to be all that many relatives, and she has extended an olive branch.