Elderly relative that I don’t know keeps asking for contact details and wants to stay in touch what should I do

[ClairDeLooney]

Looking for a bit of advice.

For context, my mum is in her mid 80’s and very poorly with advanced dementia, she can not communicate well and is housebound. She lives with my elderly father and my sister and I live nearby.

My mum had a small family and very few relatives are still alive. My nan (mum’s mum) had a brother, he married and had a daughter (more about her in a minute), from everything I know about them the brother’s wife was not a nice person, very controlling and domineering. My mum’s uncle died in the street at 50 from a heart attack and my nan never got over it, she always said the wife killed him off with the amount of stress she put under. As a result she had little to do with her sister in law and niece but they always sent letters, Christmas and birthday cards to one another.

The daughter, mum’s cousin, never married and lived with her mother until she passed away in her 90’s a few years ago. When she became frail the cousin took over the Christmas and birthday card writing and would always add in a little letter. However, they never met up and haven’t seen each other since the 1970’s. My sister and I do not know this woman, we have never met her and my dad only met her once at his and mum’s wedding some 50+ years ago.

However, since her mother passed away a a couple of years ago the cousin has been sending more letters on their own as well as in mum’s birthday and Christmas cards, I get the impression the poor woman is lonely, having lived with her mother all her life and now she is in her late 70’s probably regrets not having family and a life of her own.

However, she has started phoning mum and dad’s home line and leaving messages asking dad to call her back for a chat. We have also noticed that in all of her letters of late she keeps asking for both mine and my sister’s addresses and details, she also leaves her telephone number at the top of each letter obviously hoping we will call her. I really feel for this poor lady but she is a complete stranger to me, I have enough to worry about caring for my mum and helping my father (who is 85 and showing signs of dementia himself), I have my own personal issues and family to deal with and as caring and empathetic as I am, I’m not sure if I can take on the issue of another elderly relative. She lives about 30 miles away so not far and the last thing I want is to find her on my doorstep one day.

However, I do feel for her and feel that I should write to her explaining just how bad mum is now (although she is aware because last year dad accidentally answered the phone when she called), I would also like to know why she is so dead set on getting our addresses as we really don’t know her at all.

My dad says we should just leave it but she is not giving up and keeps writing letter a lot these days. I’ve attached the latest and I am concerned about her saying she wants to keep in touch with my sister and I “always” - what the heck does that mean!?

I really feel for the poor lady and would be happy to drop her a letter every now and then if that was all it was but I have too much on my own plate to have to deal with issues of someone I don’t know.

What would you do?

Edited by MNHQ to say we've removed the image as the OP was concerned it might be identifying

But the lady is not the op’s cousin so it’s v different from your experience. You met your cousin who was a peer. This lady is of the older generation and has no connection to her cousins children. And those children are already overburdened with caring for their parents. It’s difficult

🫣

If it was me, like you’ve done I would include an email address in a card that I had written in reply to her letters, but I would also try and give her a ring once a month at a specific day/time (from your mums number that she already has) so that you can check in with her.
If her Mum was a cowbag I should think she found it tricky to form friendships/relationships .
Im in my 40’s so most of my aunts, uncles and parents are in their 70’s-80’s. They all use email to correspond with each other. One of my Aunts games online card games with her family members. There is definitely help for older people struggling to get online.
Loneliness is so prevalent in older people, I work in the community and see it a lot, and it’s so sad to see.

I am starting to wonder this myself. Obviously most people on here are in contact with every single member of their wider family members and have so much time on their hands they can offer up all kinds of support.

If only I had that much free time to spread myself so thinly for everyone.

I'd write to her (do not include your contact details) just explaining your mums health and dads age, that they can't really cope with phone calls but enjoy receiving her christmas cards. If she respects that boundary and backs off a bit, then you know it'll be OK to take that over or join in (if you wish). I strongly suspect she'll ignore your letter, see the response as a way to get in touch even more, and will become quite tricky but then you've got every right to be fairly robust and direct, because you've explained your parents issues and health to her.

If you haven’t posted it I wouldn’t add your email to the card. Last thing you need is her spamming you with emails. You can’t assume she won’t use email.

Thank you. This is my concern.

I have been in situations where people can start to throw in emotional blackmail and try to make you feel bad and I just don’t deal well with that, I’m a pushover so I don’t want to get into a situation where I will feel obliged to help more than I want to, that can so easily happen with me. I don’t want to give any of my details to her but will send the letter explaining the situation and go from there. I will go in very tentatively to start…..for my own sanity.

But that’s a completely different scenario to mine. This lady knows nothing about any of us, or my grandparents and she has obviously never wanted to, until recently for whatever reason.

She may be related somewhere down the line but she is a complete and utter stranger. Being distantly related doesn’t automatically give people a right into someone else’s life. That doesn’t make me harsh or uncaring, that’s the reality of life.

It’ll help you if you and your children are her only living relatives and she leaves you her house in her will, in return of a 5 minute phone call every so often.

Seriously don’t under estimate this as a possibility.

It’s happed to me. A distant cousin of my late father recently died and left my mother her house and me and my siblings 50k each. We barely knew her. Haven’t seen her in 35 years. My Mum kept in touch with the odd phone call. The money has been life changing. She didn’t have any one else to leave it to.

@lessglittermoremud Loneliness is so prevalent in older people, I work in the community and see it a lot, and it’s so sad to see

I too used to work in the community as a carer, and so many of the elderly were lonely, hardly anyone visiting. I used to feel so bad for them. Until you bump into one of the middle aged children on your visit, and you hear how the elderly person spoke to them. They (the middle aged child) would sometimes leave in tears, any card or food or gift then rejected by the parent. Then tomorrow -‘oh I’m so lonely, no one visits. Well that bitch did yesterday, but no one else visits me’.

For your own sake, I would take the email address out (or make a new separate outlook one just for this, don't give her your main email address). You will keep someone more effectively at a distance by just using your parents address and writing the occasional letter. If she does email a lot, at least with a separate email address you can choose to only check it once a fortnight, silence all notifications and so on.

It wouldn't do any harm to write her a friendly letter, outlining the health of those you have in common and telling her of your responsibilities tio them so she gets the picture. As she looked after her mother she will probably empathise with you.

You don't have to give your phone number. An elderly person is hardly likely to travel thirty miles to end up on your doorstep on the off chance you are in.

You don't know this person, she may not be lonely and needy, could just be friendly by nature and want to keep in contact with family, however distant. You only have to look at sites like Ancestry to see that is very popular (wouldn't appeal to me but it takes all sorts). For all you know she may be really nice and interesting.

She has done you no harm so the odd letter won't hurt. You don't have to take it any further than you want to.

Please do not belittle me or preach to me about loss. I am in my 6th decade, I have had my fair share of loss. My mum has been suffering from dementia for the last 8 years. I lost my mum several years ago, day by day I lose her again and again. I lost my dear mother in law to cancer a few years ago, my 4 year old niece to a brain tumour and we have just lost my DH’s friend to cancer last week.

If this woman was so interested in us or regaling stories from her past she has had 53 years in which to do so. She could have made connections with my mum whilst she still had full cognition and they could have formed a friendship then but she had chosen not to.

Thank you. I really don’t think many people understand dementia at all and certainly what having a parent with dementia looks like. I wouldn’t wish it on my worse enemy.

Im sure that is a fairly common occurrence (my own mother can be a tricky customer!) but I also see widowers/widows, older people who never had children and their friends are all passing away and people whose children live abroad/other parts of the country
We have a community hub fairly close by with a community cafe, thankfully they do knit/natter, friendship groups etc so that we can direct people there.

I’d much prefer email than giving her my address and if I do write to her I can’t have her returning letters to my parents house, my dad has no idea I am planning to write to her, he wants me to ignore all letters and cards as he has done but I can’t do that.

At least with emails I can reply quickly or just delete. I don’t want her knowing where I live, not yet, not until I can see for myself what kind of person she is. She may well be lovely and that will be fine but if she is super needy and looking for someone to lean on then unfortunately that’s not something I can offer her.

I have been reading a bit recently about when people say ‘where is my village’, people are now asking “where are the villagers you helped? Who were you a village to? Who points at you and says ‘she’s my village’?”

So like OP says, where was this woman when OP was a baby, a toddler, a child, a young adult? Where was this woman when OPs mum was a struggling young mum? And so on. If you have not been that person, you cannot demand that other people become that person to you when you finally decide you want to reap the benefits.

I think I would keep in contact but I wouldn’t feel bad about saying ‘cant do that, sorry’ when I felt things were overstepping too much.

So you happily accepted and spent money from a complete stranger. We are all different but that would not sit comfortably with me one little bit.

And I will put this in capitals because I’ve said it time and time again on this thread and no one is taking a blind bit of notice…..

I DO NOT WANT ANY INHERITANCE FROM THIS WOMAN

If she's writing a lot of letters despite receiving no enthusiastic response then I'd be concerned that she might put pressure on you if she knows your address/phone number. She's clearly lonely, but you have to decide whether you're prepared to become her next of kin in the eyes of Social Services if she needs help in the future. That's a decision that only you can make, but it doesn't sound as though you're in the right place to do that right now.

I get you OP, you can’t pour from an empty cup.

I had a similar situation recently, one of DMs friends was very distressed and angry to learn that DPs had gone into a care home- both with different forms of dementia- and expected me to replace DMs regular calls. She was someone I know and she is a nice lady, but after a ramped up year where I lost a lot trying to support my DPs, I find it very hard to find time to do it.

I saw the letter before you took it down OP, I would be reluctant to give my personal details to this lady. She is old, lonely and sad, well yes and that’s a shame, but you cannot solve this and unfortunately I have found if you do a little bit for someone they start expecting more, perhaps something to do with cognitive decline.

She’s is 76, hardly ancient.

OP, I’m finding some of these responses quite bizarre. This is a complete stranger who you’ve never met, your parents barely knew and haven’t had any relationship with, she’s pestering someone who doesn’t want to hear from her with numerous voicemails…she just sounds like a nuisance caller!

My father came from a big family, he kept in contact with his siblings but not the wider family, that just happens sometimes and there was no row…his father had about 10 siblings…meaning he likely has quite a few cousins all within a small area…most of which he’s never met, and a couple of them he’s met by chance when out at work and a customer has had the same surname and they just have a friendly chat and that’s the end of it. If any of these complete strangers started phoning me or writing letters, unless I had something to gain from it, I wouldn’t want to engage. The fact that we are distant relatives, on its own, isn’t a reason to get involved.

If she was raised closely with your mother, I could understand her wanting to reconnect with her…but not this persistent hounding of your father, who doesn’t know her, and as well as yourself and your sibling who don’t know her. If this was about wanting to leave money to family instead of elsewhere….and needing some details, she would have given that information already. She’s already going too far with the voicemails, she will get worse the more you engage with her.

She’s bored and lonely and quite likely harmless, but she’s also had a completely different life to yourself and she’s not your problem to fix, you are very busy with a lot of commitments and you likely have nothing in common. She’s also had 50 years to try to make contact with her cousin and build a relationship, it’s her own fault that she’s waited until she is feeling lonely to bother with that, and her own fault that it’s too late to reconnect with your mum due to her ill-health.

Your focus here should be purely on the impact on the family members you have had a lifelong relationship with. She’s distressing your father, who doesn’t even know her, so blocking her number and taking away any letters before he sees them would put a stop to it. If you write to her…and don’t give her a phone number…what will happen? I think it will just ignite her to leave even more voicemails for your father and she will write to you at that address as well…the more you engage the harder it will be to make her stop. If her number is blocked so she can’t leave voicemails and her letters go unanswered…she may then focus her energy elsewhere, hopefully within her own community etc.

I didn’t see the letter before it was deleted, but would be interested if you are able to describe the general gist of the voicemails? Is she asking for anything (other than your contact details), and is she showing any signs of having a life of her own (such as explaining what she’s been doing this week), and is she acting in any way impatient or aggressive at the lack of engagement?

If contacting her at all, I would suggest just politely requesting that she stops writing and phoning your father, you can tell her he has dementia and receiving this communication is confusing for him and can make him feel distressed when he can’t place who the caller is, and he worries about scam callers. Be polite about it and tell her that it isn’t her fault, it’s his illness making it too difficult for him to communicate, and so he can’t engage with her, and wish her all the best. You don’t need to get into any explanation of why you aren’t giving her your own contact details…you’ve never met her, so don’t owe her any explanation of that.

I think if your mother was more well, you could have had a discussion with her about whether she wanted to get involved with her cousin, but as that’s not an option, there’s no-one in the family who has any tangible connection to her, so I wouldn’t get involved. You’ve said you wouldn’t want her will money, even if she wanted to give it to you (that’s if there is anything), so I don’t see what you gain from trying to build a relationship with her. So far all you’ve seen from her is behaviour that is borderline harassing, so she’s likely to do that to you as well of you get involved, there may also be mental health issues causing her to not understand she is cross boundaries with this behaviour. 30 miles also isn’t that far away, if you start communicating she may then start pushing to meet up.

Generally, if you aren’t excited, curious, or hoping for a windfall in the will…why connect with a stranger? She’s causing you stress and you haven’t even made contact yet!

Also with regards to the will. If she hasn’t made one, your mother may be in line to inherit anyway if she dies intestate and your mother is the closest family member. I wouldn’t ignore that completely, it could pay for care fees your parents are requiring. Just worth being aware, becuase although there’s no real reason to feel entitled to a stranger’s money, if its there and it’s useful, then I’d apply for it. What I wouldn’t do however, is get involved in the hope of being left something (which you sensibly are not). Often when people do that they are left disappointed when they find out it was left to their cleaner/neighbour etc.

Exactly. My poor mum is now in the advanced stages of her Alzheimer’s but up until a few years ago she was able to hold a decent conversation with anyone and loved a chat or a trip out to a cafe etc. Her cousin has been aware of mum’s predicament for all of this time, she could have connected with mum years ago but has chosen not to.

I wouldn't contact her or send her your addresses. From what you have seen of her behaviour with your dad, if you establish contact with her you can expect regular messaging, possibly of a similarly intense frequency.

I’m not and have no desire to do so. I have many elderly people in my life who would be more of a privy to me than this lady sadly, I don’t know her and am not in the position right now to take onboard any issues that she may have. I am happy to write this one letter and if she wants or is able to email me I will work out for myself what kind of person she is. If she is too overbearing I will have to cut contact, my sanity would not cope, not right now anyhow.