Elderly relative that I don’t know keeps asking for contact details and wants to stay in touch what should I do

[ClairDeLooney]

Looking for a bit of advice.

For context, my mum is in her mid 80’s and very poorly with advanced dementia, she can not communicate well and is housebound. She lives with my elderly father and my sister and I live nearby.

My mum had a small family and very few relatives are still alive. My nan (mum’s mum) had a brother, he married and had a daughter (more about her in a minute), from everything I know about them the brother’s wife was not a nice person, very controlling and domineering. My mum’s uncle died in the street at 50 from a heart attack and my nan never got over it, she always said the wife killed him off with the amount of stress she put under. As a result she had little to do with her sister in law and niece but they always sent letters, Christmas and birthday cards to one another.

The daughter, mum’s cousin, never married and lived with her mother until she passed away in her 90’s a few years ago. When she became frail the cousin took over the Christmas and birthday card writing and would always add in a little letter. However, they never met up and haven’t seen each other since the 1970’s. My sister and I do not know this woman, we have never met her and my dad only met her once at his and mum’s wedding some 50+ years ago.

However, since her mother passed away a a couple of years ago the cousin has been sending more letters on their own as well as in mum’s birthday and Christmas cards, I get the impression the poor woman is lonely, having lived with her mother all her life and now she is in her late 70’s probably regrets not having family and a life of her own.

However, she has started phoning mum and dad’s home line and leaving messages asking dad to call her back for a chat. We have also noticed that in all of her letters of late she keeps asking for both mine and my sister’s addresses and details, she also leaves her telephone number at the top of each letter obviously hoping we will call her. I really feel for this poor lady but she is a complete stranger to me, I have enough to worry about caring for my mum and helping my father (who is 85 and showing signs of dementia himself), I have my own personal issues and family to deal with and as caring and empathetic as I am, I’m not sure if I can take on the issue of another elderly relative. She lives about 30 miles away so not far and the last thing I want is to find her on my doorstep one day.

However, I do feel for her and feel that I should write to her explaining just how bad mum is now (although she is aware because last year dad accidentally answered the phone when she called), I would also like to know why she is so dead set on getting our addresses as we really don’t know her at all.

My dad says we should just leave it but she is not giving up and keeps writing letter a lot these days. I’ve attached the latest and I am concerned about her saying she wants to keep in touch with my sister and I “always” - what the heck does that mean!?

I really feel for the poor lady and would be happy to drop her a letter every now and then if that was all it was but I have too much on my own plate to have to deal with issues of someone I don’t know.

What would you do?

Edited by MNHQ to say we've removed the image as the OP was concerned it might be identifying

Er, what the heck has that got to do with the OP?

It's not remotely the same if your mother rekindled the relationship when you were in your teens is it? the woman the OP is referring to has NEVER tried to rekindle anything until she's 70 years old, the OP is in her 50s and she now suddenly wants support and communication after years of tumbleweed silence.

Also- did your mother's cousins pester her relentlessly when your mother was 85 and had an ill spouse and dementia? did they constantly ring her asking her to get back to them so they could monologue selfishly about themselves? if not, its not remotely comparable

She asked if anyone keeps in touch with their parents cousins. I do.

She said it was likely a small percentage, which it is. Your mother doing it doesnt make it suddenly extremely common

I haven't looked into how many do and don't, she asked how many do and I said I do.

I took that as a somewhat rhetorical question, I doubt OP was intending on conducting a poll.

Please do not belittle me or preach to me about loss. I am in my 6th decade, I have had my fair share of loss. My mum has been suffering from dementia for the last 8 years. I lost my mum several years ago, day by day I lose her again and again. I lost my dear mother in law to cancer a few years ago, my 4 year old niece to a brain tumour and we have just lost my DH’s friend to cancer last week.

If this woman was so interested in us or regaling stories from her past she has had 53 years in which to do so. She could have made connections with my mum whilst she still had full cognition and they could have formed a friendship then but she had chosen not to.

I am not belittling you or preaching to you. I am telling you that core bereavement (parents, child, life partner) is unlike any other kind of bereavement including friends or inlaws - especially if you are left alone in the world as this woman seems to be. It makes you focus on the past, what is lost and the memories and legacy of those who knew your loved one or for her, her parents.

All I am saying to you is that because of the life changing nature of that sort of grief it is FAR more likely that her motives are not malignant or couched in aiming for care support. Of course, she could have formed a friendship in the past but she didn't have any need to because she had her parents, her family. It wouldn't have occurred to her precisely because it is that loss, that grief that drives you towards family contact. Plenty of people are short sighted in that way but it doesn't mean that what I have said is wrong - that she is probably now in her grief and loneliness casting about for a way to ensure her parents memories live on and to find out whether there are other memories and stories about them that others have had passed down to them that she does not know.

I have been where you have been and cared for a parent with dementia. I know how hard it is, what it takes out of you and the exhaustion and burn-out that is almost inevitable. I tell you now that you may think that when your mother dies that because of her dementia and the anticipatory grief you have suffered and are suffering that her death will feel like a release. It is not like that. It will still be a shock and you will be dealing with the immediate grief and loss of the person she is now as well as the loss of who she was before the disease progressed. On top of that there is the loss of the caring role which has become a life focus. It is a very very difficult thing to process. I am in it now and I wouldn't wish it on anyone but it is not the same as the anticipatory grief you are in now.

Of course, it is up to you whether you have any space or time for this woman especially given your caring demands. What I am saying is that I am urging upon you a more benign perspective towards this woman because you have not yet experienced that sort of loss. When your parents die and you have the time and space to grieve them, you may find that you yourself want to seek out stories from their past from relatives you have little contact with or friends of your parents that you barely know. Not everyone is like this of course, but for many it is a huge source of comfort to hear from those who knew them and keep their memories alive for future generations.

What a load of patronising old crap. OP is already dealing with the loss of her mother, mentally if not physically. She doesn’t need you preaching to her.

When your parents die and you have the time and space to grieve them, you may find that you yourself want to seek out stories from their past from relatives you have little contact with or friends of your parents that you barely know. Not everyone is like this of course, but for many it is a huge source of comfort to hear from those who knew them and keep their memories alive for future generations.

But she hasn't been seeking out or sharing stories from the past, or any sort of mutual interchange, she has been repeatedly phoning OP's 85-year-old father and talking about herself at length to him and harrassing him with messages demanding more contact.

And these people do not know her. OP has never met her, and OP's dad met her at his wedding back in the 1970s.

Utter twaddle.

If you actually read the OP's updates you would clearly see what this woman's motives are and its NOT because she benignly wants to reconnect with family.

If this was actually the case, then she wouldnt be monologuing about only herself in conversations and she wouldnt be hassling an unwell 85 year old man and hounding him relentlessly to ring her back.

Also, as someone who lost their father to dementia, his death was a release so please dont lecture others on how they should experience grief.

What stories are they going to keep alive? The OP has said she didn't know the parents, I'm pretty sure on top of everything else going on she's absolutely no interest or headspace to be sharing stories about people she doesn't know.

I've said it again and I'll say it before. Relationships are a two way street. This woman would have had for a long time realised her parents would be passing away and at some point she would be on her own. Why suddenly is it the OPs problem, on top of everything else she has to deal with, that she is suddenly responsible for this woman's lack of support network and loneliness?

Yes its a shame this woman is on her own, but it's highly unreasonable to expect a family unit, you've made no effort with to and who are going through their own trauma to welcome you with open arms and be responsible for your loneliness.

The OP doesn't need to be guilted into having a "benign perspective" for someone she wouldn't know if she passed them in the street. What comfort is she going to take from a relative who barely knew her parents?

What stories are they going to keep alive? The OP has said she didn't know the parents, I'm pretty sure on top of everything else going on she's absolutely no interest or headspace to be sharing stories about people she doesn't know.

Exactly. OP has 50+ years of memories of her mother of her own. Why does she need someone who barely remembered her mother existed to bulk these out?

You may not be aware of this because it may be simply your own personality trait and you are blind to it but you are still coming across as extremely condescending in your replies.

Plenty of people are short sighted in that way but it doesn't mean that what I have said is wrong - that she is probably now in her grief and loneliness casting about for a way to ensure her parents memories live on and to find out whether there are memories and stories about them that others have had passed down to them that she does not know.

Have you even read any of my replies?

I have stated several times that I know nothing about her direct family members, I never met her mother and her father died many years before I was born. My mother didn't have a relationship with him, his name was barely mentioned when I was growing up and we have no photos of him - what memories and stories exactly am I supposed to pass over to her? I know virtually nothing about this woman and her family, as far as I know she may have lots of second cousins on her mother's side and I am certainly not going to sit and have a cosy chat with this woman about my grandmother when neither she nor her mother could not have cared less about my gm when she was alive, neither of them bothered to come to my Nan's funeral 35 years ago, where was the support my mother needed during that time, as you say, losing a parent can be devastating and my mum never got over losing her own mother, (still talks about her now even though she can barely talk these day), neither the aunt nor the cousin ever passed over their condolences back then, the aunt was only in her 50's and cousin was a much younger woman back then so both more than capable of contact and travel just 30 miles to pay their respects and that may have been an opportunity to have bonded and re-connected, not now.

And on this subject, how dare you preach to me about loss. I am more than aware that I could lose my mum at any time now, she is in very poor health with dementia and cancer. My mother is one of my best friends and has had my back all of my life, even though she can barely communicate and often forgets who I am I know that I will never get over her loss and if you truly have any idea what it takes to care for and slowly watch the demise of one of the most beloved people in your life then you would never have used those words in your reply to me.

Yes, you come across as patronising......very.

I am not belittling you or preaching to you.

Well, you are, actually.