Elderly relative that I don’t know keeps asking for contact details and wants to stay in touch what should I do

[ClairDeLooney]

Looking for a bit of advice.

For context, my mum is in her mid 80’s and very poorly with advanced dementia, she can not communicate well and is housebound. She lives with my elderly father and my sister and I live nearby.

My mum had a small family and very few relatives are still alive. My nan (mum’s mum) had a brother, he married and had a daughter (more about her in a minute), from everything I know about them the brother’s wife was not a nice person, very controlling and domineering. My mum’s uncle died in the street at 50 from a heart attack and my nan never got over it, she always said the wife killed him off with the amount of stress she put under. As a result she had little to do with her sister in law and niece but they always sent letters, Christmas and birthday cards to one another.

The daughter, mum’s cousin, never married and lived with her mother until she passed away in her 90’s a few years ago. When she became frail the cousin took over the Christmas and birthday card writing and would always add in a little letter. However, they never met up and haven’t seen each other since the 1970’s. My sister and I do not know this woman, we have never met her and my dad only met her once at his and mum’s wedding some 50+ years ago.

However, since her mother passed away a a couple of years ago the cousin has been sending more letters on their own as well as in mum’s birthday and Christmas cards, I get the impression the poor woman is lonely, having lived with her mother all her life and now she is in her late 70’s probably regrets not having family and a life of her own.

However, she has started phoning mum and dad’s home line and leaving messages asking dad to call her back for a chat. We have also noticed that in all of her letters of late she keeps asking for both mine and my sister’s addresses and details, she also leaves her telephone number at the top of each letter obviously hoping we will call her. I really feel for this poor lady but she is a complete stranger to me, I have enough to worry about caring for my mum and helping my father (who is 85 and showing signs of dementia himself), I have my own personal issues and family to deal with and as caring and empathetic as I am, I’m not sure if I can take on the issue of another elderly relative. She lives about 30 miles away so not far and the last thing I want is to find her on my doorstep one day.

However, I do feel for her and feel that I should write to her explaining just how bad mum is now (although she is aware because last year dad accidentally answered the phone when she called), I would also like to know why she is so dead set on getting our addresses as we really don’t know her at all.

My dad says we should just leave it but she is not giving up and keeps writing letter a lot these days. I’ve attached the latest and I am concerned about her saying she wants to keep in touch with my sister and I “always” - what the heck does that mean!?

I really feel for the poor lady and would be happy to drop her a letter every now and then if that was all it was but I have too much on my own plate to have to deal with issues of someone I don’t know.

What would you do?

Edited by MNHQ to say we've removed the image as the OP was concerned it might be identifying

Well, consider yourself blessed that you've not had sufficient experience to read the behavioural signs.

Me too. I’m in my fifties and due to many circumstances I could do nothing about, I have nobody in the world other than my husband. I can understand the need to reach out to someone who is part of your family if that seems at all possible.

However, in this case I can see that OP cannot enter into a new relationship at this stage in the life of everyone involved, the problem is how can she prevent it when the cousin may well be given her address and turn up on her doorstep one day soon, and then what? Exchanging a few letters may not be a problem, but that’s not all it will be.

You just have to set boundaries. Birthday and Xmas cards aren’t difficult and at least she’ll get post on those special occasions. A bit of light. See it as your charitable act if you want.

You do not in any way have to get involved in her care in the future. You just need to say that, and you’ve never even met the woman, and stick to that line.

And if she leaves you anything, you can donate it to a charity of your choosing.

The lady is an only child and sounds like she had a bad or at least entrenched childhood, never getting married having her own family and moving away. Sounds like she had her close family and now theyre gone she's seeking connection with the only family she has left, albeit technical strangers. I know you have a huge amount on your shoulders, but a quick reply can't do much harm? She sounds lonely.

Yep this

Pushy and manipulative? That's a bit of a stretch to come to that conclusion about someone you don't know from Adam.

if I were you I would allow her to have your address and write the odd note to this lonely woman. It’s a sad reflection of our individualistic society that you are perceiving her overtures so negatively

As others have said here, she could be wishing to put you & your sister in her will. Her letters must give some clues as to her life & how she is fairing. She could just want a catch up rather than looking for any assistance.

Snap. My father had a very disjointed relationship with his brothers, and we’d only met our male cousin a few times when we were younger. We found each other years back on Facebook, and when his father died, he messaged me and I arranged to come to the funeral. He was very touched, and we stay in touch sporadically via messenger, and have since met one more time at our mutual uncle’s funeral. The next time we meet shall doubtless be my own father’s funeral, if he has one.

Given her age, I’d suspect she’s wanting to sort out her will. There’s no way you should be expected to take on a carer role, and if that request was made, you can simply refuse.

I think that OP probably is that busy.

OP is a carer for a parent with advanced dementia and also cares for her other parent who is showing cognitive decline. She has a family of her own (with ND children) and she says that she is 'frazzled to bits' from her caring responsibilities and dealing with her own health issues. She is also a home help for elderly and disabled people.

As this relative is leaving long rambling messages on her parents' answering machine, her dad is getting upset and worried. If this relative has OP's phone number, she might do the same to her and OP just doesn't have the band width to deal with a needy relative that she doesn't even know.

What would I do?

I would give her a ring and have a chat and just suss the situation out.

Like others have said, good chance she wants you in the will. For that reason alone I would give her a ring and see what’s what.

Op doesn't want to be in her will - she said a few times.

Also she doesn't have the bandwidth to catch up with someone she has never met in her entire life and her mother only met a few times.

You have more than enough to deal with OP.

Don't feel guilty by the "Be Kind" brigade here.
This lady is a complete stranger and judging by her OTT phone calls to your Dad I would certainly NOT give her your contact details.

I'd say she probably wants to leave you an inheritance since she doesn't have any closer family and would need your contact details for the solicitor. Could be wrong, was my first assumption.

Wouldn't kill you to send a dying relative a birthday card would it? Doesn't have to be hours of chats, just an acknowledgement that she exists and is your family.

This.

I do understand where you're coming from. We have a family friend who, although not a relative, always leaned on us too much having alienated her own family through bad behaviour. I have to set firm boundaries unless I want to be stuck on the phone for literally hours at a time. I do empathise with the loneliness, but there's some support out there to help build that up, maybe she could contact Age UK?

I'm wondering why you bothered with the thread

How ageist 😂

She sounds persistent enough to do exactly this unfortunately.

There are loads of people out there in the world, probably in OPs own street, that are also in sad situations. But it isn't OPs job to help any of them beyond paying her taxes and being thoughtful when she votes. She has enough on her plate helping her own family (and probably not enough as shed like left over for the other people already in her life) for anyone else.

Yeah sorry but the fact she’s suddenly now wanting contact after decades of not wanting it would make me suspicious too. Especially if her mum was a controlling type because often the apple doesn’t fall too far from the tree. (Not always the case I know but often enough to at least make me wary). The repeated and consistent attempts to phone your parents kind of points towards this too from my perspective. Sure she might just be lonely but also she might be looking for someone to look after her either physically or financially now she’s getting on. If she knows you’re looking after your parents she may well be hoping you’ll look after her too. I definitely wouldn’t give her my address, I could imagine her turning up unannounced, possibly claiming to need to somewhere to stay and didn’t know where else to go. Sorry if I’m cynical but I’ve seen this kind of dynamic in play and this insistent need to be be touch all the time is a warning flag for me. Most people would ask but not be pushy and anyone who is pushy usually has an agenda. Anyone who’s not experienced this will probably think I’m overreacting and assume this is a harmless old lady who’s alone and wishes to have some family contact. And yes that may be the case - but I’d proceed with caution personally. When you’ve lived it you tend to spot warning flags fast. Hopefully shes harmless and won’t try to take advantage of you (or your parents). If you write to her don’t over share your parents situation either at this point. What would your nan have advised you do. Was she someone who’s opinion you respected? Keep that in mind too. Set your boundaries now (ones that you’re happy with no matter what other’s opinions are) and stick to them like glue.

Some very naive posters on here thinking she simply wants to add you (almost a stranger!) to her will?? She’ll be reaching an age where she will need help and once you’re more involved it’s even harder to say no. She probably is lonely and that is sad but it’s also not your problem - i’d send a letter now and maybe a Christmas card. But i’d not engage any more than that and definitely wouldn’t share my address/ phone no.

Write the letter. When my parents died I wanted to connect with the wider family (I have no siblings) but have held off a bit. No family is a very weird isolated place to be (and I'm lucky enough to have kids but still feel utterly bereft). Having people around who properly knew your parents is massively important.

From the OP, and subsequent posts by the OP:

However, she has started phoning mum and dad’s home line and leaving messages asking dad to call her back for a chat. We have also noticed that in all of her letters of late she keeps asking for both mine and my sister’s addresses and details, she also leaves her telephone number at the top of each letter obviously hoping we will call her.

My sister and I do not know this woman, we have never met her and my dad only met her once at his and mum’s wedding some 50+ years ago.

My dad says we should just leave it but she is not giving up and keeps writing letter a lot these days.

After my dad picked up her phone call last year she started calling several times a week.

When she started ringing my dad she would leave endless voicemail messages, it very much stressed him out because it became almost hounding.

If that doesn't paint a picture for you then you are lucky.

She's been persistent in asking for an address, probably so that she doesn't lose touch entirely with her remaining relatives once their parents die. She has asked for nothing else whatsoever. Not a phone number, not help of any kind. There's no indication she wants any. Should she ever request any, in the future, the OP is at perfectly liberty to refuse it on perfectly valid grounds.

But the amount of frankly hysterical catastrophising to the point where a significant minority of posters are imagining this woman showing up on the OP's doorstep with her suitcase, or requiring FT care, is completely mad and not very pleasant. I mean 'cut someone blameless off completely in case you one day might need to say no to her for something' says a lot about the Mners who don't answer the door in case they might have some kind of brush with other people.

No-one is obliged to have any contact with anyone if they don't want to, relative or not.

I can tell @ClairDeLooney that you have never experienced a major bereavement otherwise you'd see it though a different viewpoint @ImImmortalNowBabyDoll is right I think.

It is much more likely that this woman who has lost her mother and grieving and has no family of her own is trying to seek a family link in order to keep her parents memory alive for future generations after she has gone and to have a link with her past. When one of your parents dies you will look back on this and see it differently. The family stories and questions you want to ask are gone.

It is fine for you to not want to be involved in that but I would be cautious of assuming self-serving search for care support. People aren't stupid. No one would expect that sort of thing from someone who doesn't know them.

It even may be a good thing for you to talk to her particularly about the account of the brother's death. You know what they say - there are 3 sides to every story - his side, her side and the truth. This happened to a friend of mine - it was family lore that a grandmother had just abandoned her husband and set up a second family. Years later she met the second family and their version was that the husband had worked away and been having numerous affairs and she thought he'd left them.

She will know family stories passed down by your mother's uncle that once she goes will be lost. It maybe now you aren't feeling that sentimentality or link but it will come when you are bereaved. Don't throw that chance away now because you can deal with this woman actually with very little effort. and if she is indeed lonely, that is a very kind thing to do at little cost. You may think that will never be you - but premature deaths, children moving abroad, family estrangements can leave anyone alone at the end of their life and kindness to any human is worth more to them than the cost to the giver.