Elderly relative that I don’t know keeps asking for contact details and wants to stay in touch what should I do

[ClairDeLooney]

Looking for a bit of advice.

For context, my mum is in her mid 80’s and very poorly with advanced dementia, she can not communicate well and is housebound. She lives with my elderly father and my sister and I live nearby.

My mum had a small family and very few relatives are still alive. My nan (mum’s mum) had a brother, he married and had a daughter (more about her in a minute), from everything I know about them the brother’s wife was not a nice person, very controlling and domineering. My mum’s uncle died in the street at 50 from a heart attack and my nan never got over it, she always said the wife killed him off with the amount of stress she put under. As a result she had little to do with her sister in law and niece but they always sent letters, Christmas and birthday cards to one another.

The daughter, mum’s cousin, never married and lived with her mother until she passed away in her 90’s a few years ago. When she became frail the cousin took over the Christmas and birthday card writing and would always add in a little letter. However, they never met up and haven’t seen each other since the 1970’s. My sister and I do not know this woman, we have never met her and my dad only met her once at his and mum’s wedding some 50+ years ago.

However, since her mother passed away a a couple of years ago the cousin has been sending more letters on their own as well as in mum’s birthday and Christmas cards, I get the impression the poor woman is lonely, having lived with her mother all her life and now she is in her late 70’s probably regrets not having family and a life of her own.

However, she has started phoning mum and dad’s home line and leaving messages asking dad to call her back for a chat. We have also noticed that in all of her letters of late she keeps asking for both mine and my sister’s addresses and details, she also leaves her telephone number at the top of each letter obviously hoping we will call her. I really feel for this poor lady but she is a complete stranger to me, I have enough to worry about caring for my mum and helping my father (who is 85 and showing signs of dementia himself), I have my own personal issues and family to deal with and as caring and empathetic as I am, I’m not sure if I can take on the issue of another elderly relative. She lives about 30 miles away so not far and the last thing I want is to find her on my doorstep one day.

However, I do feel for her and feel that I should write to her explaining just how bad mum is now (although she is aware because last year dad accidentally answered the phone when she called), I would also like to know why she is so dead set on getting our addresses as we really don’t know her at all.

My dad says we should just leave it but she is not giving up and keeps writing letter a lot these days. I’ve attached the latest and I am concerned about her saying she wants to keep in touch with my sister and I “always” - what the heck does that mean!?

I really feel for the poor lady and would be happy to drop her a letter every now and then if that was all it was but I have too much on my own plate to have to deal with issues of someone I don’t know.

What would you do?

Edited by MNHQ to say we've removed the image as the OP was concerned it might be identifying

It really doesn't have to be a worry. Ss can ask, they would be remiss not to but you can say "no". You don't have to give a reason you just have to be firm. I know, I've done it.

How will it help me exactly?

Wow, so this lady lost her father young, was effectively cast out of the family when her grandmother blamed his death on her surviving parent, devoted her whole life caring for that parent, probably felt an impossible loyalty bind of wanting to be in touch for a link back to her Dad when her Dad's family had completely villified her Mum (and still are now, long after she's died), and is now reaching out for a bit of contact with all she has left of her family and it's too much hassle?

She hasn't asked you for anything except the odd conversation and be able to send a letter.

You really think a woman in her late 70s is going to drive 30 miles and turn up on the doorstep?

I would be inclined to write her a postcard or a short letter in a notelet ( do you remember them) every now and again.
You can explain how you are so busy caring for your Mum but it would be kind to keep in touch.

I’d just ignore and not give it another thought. She may be lonely, but that isn’t your job to fix. Just screen calls and don’t engage by writing back or providing any information. If it becomes truly worrying and harassing and you think she is unwell, I’d report to Adult Social Services so they can hopefully get her on their radar.

I wouldn’t reply. It seems like you’ve got enough in your life for a random stranger to potentially add to it.

Haven't rtft but could it be that her mother was controlling and prevented her from making connections with others during her lifetime. Now she is finally free she is trying to do what she'd have done earlier if she'd been able to.

I understand how hard it is caring for elderly relatives and I think you’re getting a bit ahead of yourself. You don’t have to have any contact with her if you don’t want to, and you shouldn’t feel guilty for that. As someone up above said she’s had many years to form relationships with friends and family. However, it’s highly unlikely she’s sizing you up as her future carer. And if she is a simple no, I’m sorry, I can’t do that will suffice. Social services won’t be depositing her on your doorstep with her suitcase! I think you need to learn to worry less and also people please less. Saying no doesn’t make the world end! I would go with a simple letter saying you have a lot on caring for your parents right now and wish her well then maybe leave it and send a card at Xmas.

I’ve been mortified by a family members behaviour as people have passed away. They are trying to keep random connections with ‘family’ as our circle shrinks. They ask after cousins I have never heard of, went to a funeral of a distant cousin I didn’t know existed and hadn’t event been told had died.

I find it all very worrying. People have enough on their plate. She’s become a ‘professional relative’. I think she’s maybe realised that there will be no massive funeral when she goes as she’s never married and burned all the bridges. It just smacks of inheritance hunting.

My point is OP, you don’t owe anyone anything. I also would not want any
money from someone I didn’t know.

My advice would be no contact at all but I think to save the phone calls to your worried dad, a very short note is the best advice. You have so much on. The best of luck to you.

No, you've read that wrong. My grandmother blamed this woman's mother for her brother's untimely death but (as far as I ever knew) this was never mentioned to anyone's face (my GM wasn't that type of person, she was very quiet and unassuming). As I have said in my replies, my grandmother still kept in contact with her SIL and Niece by letter writing, Christmas, birthday cards and I believe the odd phone call here and there. My own mother kept this up once my GM died, until her dementia became significantly worse a few years ago.

I have no idea if she had devoted her whole life to caring for her mother because we know nothing about her (so not sure how you come to that conclusion because you don't know her either), the cousin worked her whole adult life, she wasn't exactly imprisoned by her mother.

Again, I have no idea if she may drive up, taxi up or get the train to my house because I know nothing about her, as I keep saying. You do know that most people in their late 70's are still in good health and able to travel?

And how do I know that a simple letter to her won't turn into more and more requests for help? Sadly, it may not be as simple as a few cheery cards or letters each year. This is and has been throughout this thread, my main concern about initial contact.

I think writing a short note is fine and as a PP said, saying that letters can be sent to your parents' address as you are there most days due to caring from them and that if any contact address changes in future you'll let her know.

BT Call Guardian - stops a lot of unwanted calls and gives you option to decline numbers.

If your a people pleaser and have no realtionship with this woman and have no band with for anything more - it's perfectly acceptable not to repond at all.

A nice letter saying you don't want to be in touch due to your situation is not a bad idea though.

FIL is now reguarly meeting his cousins (includes second cousisn and cousin once removed in same age bracket ) in old age after not seeing each other for decades but there is a shared history from childhood. There'd be no point me doing similar with my cousins because there is literally no shared past - barely met them in my entire life - DH who saw his a bit more equally uninterested in his who made no effort with him or our kids.

This is a stranger asking for your details - a vauge blood tie and some sympathy for life she ended up living shouldn't make you feel obligated to her.

The problem is OP that you have no idea what she wants. She could, as others have said, simply want to add you as a beneficiary in her will, but given how regularly she's calling your parents and how insistent she is being I fear that it's probably more than that and along the lines of:

• she's desperately lonely and looking to family to provide her with company, regular phone calls, human contact in her old age;
• she may have early dementia herself, as several calls a week to people who she doesn't know at all well isn't exactly polite or rational;
• she may have been told that she needs to find a relative to act as NOK or POA for health and financial reasons and she is looking to you/your sister to be those things for her.

Since none of those things are things you want to get involved with or feel you can provide, I think the only course of action is to either ignore or write a polite letter as you describe, without providing any contact details for yourself. Having got your attention once though and elicited a letter from you, she may well up the ante and start calling and writing even more frequently.

And if she asks for more help you can say no. But she hasn't.

If she is your DM's cousin then she is your cousin. First cousin once removed. Within the bounds of consanguinity for most societies i.e. quite a close relative. She's lonely. Maybe she is writing her will and would like to have some relative to put in there so she doesn't appear a sad old lady with no-one when she takes it to a solicitor. Would it hurt very much just to give your address and reply a few times to letters? It might be you one day...

I agree a letter along these lines plus the please don’t keep leaving voicemails & ringing. Don’t feel guilty, the lady is basically a stranger & it’s not up to you to fill any voids she has in her life, regardless of being blood related. She’s had many many years in which to reacquaint with your mum.
My mum chose not to keep in contact with her sister & niece, I let them know when mum passed & said I’d like to see them as hadn’t for 60 years, they didn’t respond to that so I just let that go. They’re strangers to me

she may have early dementia herself, as several calls a week to people who she doesn't know at all well isn't exactly polite or rational;
^ the unwanted phone calls are classic symptoms of dementia.

She is your cousin not some random person from the phone book, Maybe a little compassion wouldn't go amiss. Nobody is that busy they can't manage a 5 minute conversation once in a while.

She is complete stranger.

She hasn't dony anything bad???

No.

But she knew the OP existed, was born, and wasn't a million miles away when a child, but she never showed any interested once. Never visited. Nothing.

I agree with other posters. She's worried there will be no one 'family' to make decisions on her behalf with social services... She's got no one to do any gogs body work.

You are the only family left.

I very much doubt she has or will leave you anything in her will like a previous poster has said.

Kindly, you are too busy. Your time matters and she has never been there for you, or your mum. Not once.

I'd ignore, or write back but say you are too busy. Wish her well, but no.

She's a stranger. You know your postman better, let's be honest.

I might be repeating a reply from someone else but I haven’t read all the replies but I would write a letter to her explaining your position (omitting your address) and wish her well. I suspect she is looking for a carer like others have said and you might get drawn in
without realising.

As far as I’m concerned, there’s nothing alarming about this. It sounds like a lonely elderly woman who has suddenly realized that almost no one from her side of the family is left, and she’s trying not to lose her last connection with her relatives. At the same time, you are under absolutely no obligation to take on another person, especially when you’re caring for your mother and helping your father. I would write her a kind but firm letter: explain that your mom’s condition is very serious, that you have a lot of responsibilities right now, and that you can’t maintain regular communication or meet up. At the same time, you can thank her for her concern and wish her all the best. I wouldn’t provide your addresses, phone numbers, or other personal information if you’re uncomfortable with that. Setting boundaries is normal. Perhaps she’s simply looking for contact with family, and the phrase about “always staying in touch” is more of an emotional desire not to be alone than some hidden agenda. So my advice is respond once, politely and honestly, but don’t feel guilty about not being able to become a close friend to her.

I mean, actually - no? As OP says now she's lonely she's been hounding OPs dad. If she wasa lovely caring family minded person she'd have been aending cards etc all along.

I suspect now she's alone she's feeling her vulnerability but people who have been in her life all along are the ones she should be turning to. But perhaps she's been hassling them too. The repeated phone call business shows an alarming lack of boundaries and consideration, and OP is correct to be wary IMO.

Id send her a letter. You have absolutely no idea the reason shes contacting, and can only speculate. You can always say no to any requests. No one can make you do anything! If she already has your parents address why not use that on your letter. You're there so much it makes sense for your mail to go there...

This is a great idea.